Outward Indifference

[Lena]

I don't think I'm the only one who does this to sheild my loneliness, but does anybody else here pretend not to care in front of others? Like, I want to talk to other people, I want to date and all of that stuff, but I don't reach out to be people out of fear that they will ignore me like they usually do or that they won't like me and all this other stuff.

So I say I'm antisocial to make myself feel better about my social anxieties because I know that even if I were to reach out they would probably ignore me anyways......This makes me depressed among other things..I wish I didn't have to do that and could be okay.

:club:

 

[Callie]

I think a lot of people do that. I know I do. I don't allow others to see how I'm really feeling. No emotion, no pain, no weakness. In a way, I think it adds an appearance of confidence, unless of course you're taking it to the extreme of appearing arrogant.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I don't because I can't. People can always tell by my facial expressions, no matter how hard I try I can't always hide what I'm feeling. If I'm nervous, sad, whatever I know people can tell because I've heard comments behind my back.

 

[Peaches]

never being able to hide one's feelings, that is so sweet

 

[ShybutHi]

I am pro at hiding my emotion when in social situations because my friends have always been the types that keep emotion to themselves. They are very rational and logical types of people who never ever talk about anything emotion related. Nearly all of them including myself are all logical computer boffins and musicians.

One of the main reasons why I had this mask, and still do to a point, is not to shield myself though... It is because I always thought that my friends would not want to be around someone who was negative and unhappy, someone who shows emotion.
Ofcourse most people do not want to be around someone like that right? I get on with my friends well and have a laugh with them so I do actually like to be with them and being with them does sometimes cheers me up inside.



It is a funny situation when it comes to music aswell as I am a musician. My friends are incredibly logical about music and some would maybe even ridicule them and say they are too mathmatical about it. To a sense I would even kind of agree with that but because of this logical upbringing it does mean they are very good at logically structured music and music theory.

To give you an example, just like some classically trained musicians, they can not improvise, especially something like moody blues, to save their life... They can not play their instruments with an emotional dynamic.

I am different when it comes to this because I really enjoy playing all sorts of styles with different emotional values and enjoy improvising or writing in different styles adding different emotional texture to the mix. I do know theory well too though and I am actually naturally very logical so I can play strict logical music very well and I can explain WHY something would give a specific emotional texture through music theory, name the notes in any key etc etc.
It is like having "outward indifference" in the context of what I am doing musically infront of people. I will never ever let myself go emotionally infront of multiple people socially or musically.


Now what I am getting at here is that, because I am so introverted and I wear this emotion mask I tend to nearly always step back and just play what I know theoretically when with my friends...
It is funny because at home I will put on a track and lose myself in it. I have written some incredibly emotional music in the past and I believe that is actually the main point in music... creating melody and harmony to give specific emotional value.


I just thought I would write this because this is abit of a dilemma for me in some ways... Working and having an interest in something I can only show my true colours on when I am by myself. Being this very shy, introverted person holds me back so much when it comes to my profession.

 

[Lena]

I like the way you broke that down and came to a point at the end. I see what you're saying. There was a time I used to get mad at people for sheilding their TRUE feelings/emotions like that because I've always been the type to show my emotions and rant whenever I wanted to. I used to go with the flow and just let things be. I don't know when it happened, but I now have social anxiety really bad, so I stopped being myself in that area and can now finally understand others somewhat who don't like to show their true emotions.

I kind of feild though that it is a copout and such a shame that people have to go on living a phony lifestyle just because of what their peers or society might say or think of them. This is my problem with society today. I feel like people wouldn't be AS shy or have that many anxieties if society wasn't as pressuring and as adamant about people " not showing feelings " as they are now. ...Sometimes though also, even when I try to hide it, people will know...but most of the time, I just try and isolate myself before that happens...

I hide myself away but I don't like to do it. I feel like I HAVE to do it. I was never this person before and it really bites for me. It's sad that after years of emotion I have to bottle them all up now because I'm scared of what other people will think of me or what they say. I feel so lonely and that has already been hard for me...it just got worse..

Now, I also work on music too, but I'm not a musician and all of my music is emotional... I mean the beat...self expression is the one thing I can actually let myself go in...and most of my beats I keep to myself.. I just do it because I need some type of release.

Do you have your music posted on here?

 

[ShybutHi]

That is interesting that you say you used to be someone who would not mind showing emotion and now you have social anxiety and shy away from it because I am the opposite in that respect... I have always been very shy, reserved and I used to (still do but to a much much lesser extent) have social anxiety. I would not go to many places at all that would require me to be social and I used to also get panic attacks sometimes if I did.

I am now trying to be more confident, let things flow as you said you used to and actually show my emotion and opinions a bit more because I am sick of having this mask, mainly due to depression as a teen and also the fear of rejection train of thought because I may be judged negatively for my opinion. I now play music onstage in a band and that has helped me tremendously... I pretty much forced myself to do it somehow.

The problem for me is that being someone in the background who is shy and pretty much mute in group situations is totally engrained in my personality, I have been like it forever, so it is incredibly hard to change in that respect.


No I do not have my own music on here or anywhere else except my computer and mind.

 

[toomanypuppies]

I seem to do this too effectively. People think I'm aloof and they stop trying, when really, I just don't want to scare them off with my natural intensity. lol