Bebeskii
Well-known member
Oh my god. I have not been lonely for 3 months and I almost forgot what loneliness really feels like. But today it is back again, striking right through my heart. I used to tell myself that I've overcome loneliness already but I realise I was wrong. You know that pain, emotional pain, right beneath your chest. It is bleeding and I think it my eyes are close to make tears, making a flood of blood and tears. At this moments those are filling my emotional emptiness. At least not completely empty huh.
Finally I've graduated my high school which brought me tough times and
devastating loneliness. Finally no need to visit that gloomy place again which is something really important for me. It is summer time here. Bright sun, blue sky, clouds, warm breeze and birds' singing. Everything is here outside. Youths going all the way, going together and having fun. Laughing together and making memories. I'm here all alone at my home. I know it would make me more lonely if I go outside and visit places alone. You know everything is much less timid when you're around with your friends, everything is funnier when you're with your friends. I have literally none. There are 3 people who call me their friends. I give everything to them. Probably too polite and generous to them. My female close friend has been very antagonistic to me. Cursing and blaming me all the time. She pushed me to my limit and I broke up with her. My male friend was very close to when we used to discuss IELTS. He got distant as days went by and he has a girlfriend and many other friends. No need of me now. Another male friend who is very self-absorbed and shy person yet he finds outstandingly clever ways to put me down. He would say nothing much then at the last moment he changes his mind. He would not say any direct answer to my offers but makes unimaginative excuses. If he was like accept, refuse, accept, refuse... I would not have cared. He is always like refuse,refuse, refuse and go on.
I'm going to countryside with my classmates who are in a same speaking club as mine. There is an orphanage and we will help those kids. I asked that my male friend if he could go with me but he has just said he is not able to (as always). Actually people who would show up there tomorrow are all strangers to me except some American students. You know Mongolians are generally self-conscious and self-absorbed people. I have to tell you that those American university students were 'awesome'. Just the way they're behaving and acting naturally helps me a lot. They call me Brandon and they hugged me. They want to be in a contact of me. They made me become christian and I appreciate that
. It is wonderful to know that The God is always by your side and always willing to listen to you. Since I started to keep faith in him, there has been great inner changes inside of me. I used to get angry easily but now I'm not. I was not able to keep bad thoughts from me well but I can feel a barrier that deflects them. He even showed himself in my dream which was like a miracle. I still could not believe that. I attended a Church. At least that would greatly help me to socialise people. I'm in a speaking club. As you can see I made some steps by taking a risk. The thing is I wish I had a friend who can go with me to places I go. I'm go to places all alone and I feel lonely. I'm going to that tomorrow's evening alone. I'm hoping I would get enough chance to talk to those nice American people. I will approach to people and make the first step. Now you know well what situation I am in. I wonder why people are not able to realise I can be their loyal lifetime lasting friend.
By the way, I'm preparing for SAT, aspiring to get 2250. I thank god that I have some good self-discipline. I may go to top university if I get good scores and luck. Someday I will have grown very strong personally and socially that my acquaintances would not recognize me. Still I'm lonely and I cried several minutes ago. ( Men never cry- Mongolians phrase- I feel ashamed that I cried )
Finally I've graduated my high school which brought me tough times and
devastating loneliness. Finally no need to visit that gloomy place again which is something really important for me. It is summer time here. Bright sun, blue sky, clouds, warm breeze and birds' singing. Everything is here outside. Youths going all the way, going together and having fun. Laughing together and making memories. I'm here all alone at my home. I know it would make me more lonely if I go outside and visit places alone. You know everything is much less timid when you're around with your friends, everything is funnier when you're with your friends. I have literally none. There are 3 people who call me their friends. I give everything to them. Probably too polite and generous to them. My female close friend has been very antagonistic to me. Cursing and blaming me all the time. She pushed me to my limit and I broke up with her. My male friend was very close to when we used to discuss IELTS. He got distant as days went by and he has a girlfriend and many other friends. No need of me now. Another male friend who is very self-absorbed and shy person yet he finds outstandingly clever ways to put me down. He would say nothing much then at the last moment he changes his mind. He would not say any direct answer to my offers but makes unimaginative excuses. If he was like accept, refuse, accept, refuse... I would not have cared. He is always like refuse,refuse, refuse and go on.
I'm going to countryside with my classmates who are in a same speaking club as mine. There is an orphanage and we will help those kids. I asked that my male friend if he could go with me but he has just said he is not able to (as always). Actually people who would show up there tomorrow are all strangers to me except some American students. You know Mongolians are generally self-conscious and self-absorbed people. I have to tell you that those American university students were 'awesome'. Just the way they're behaving and acting naturally helps me a lot. They call me Brandon and they hugged me. They want to be in a contact of me. They made me become christian and I appreciate that
. It is wonderful to know that The God is always by your side and always willing to listen to you. Since I started to keep faith in him, there has been great inner changes inside of me. I used to get angry easily but now I'm not. I was not able to keep bad thoughts from me well but I can feel a barrier that deflects them. He even showed himself in my dream which was like a miracle. I still could not believe that. I attended a Church. At least that would greatly help me to socialise people. I'm in a speaking club. As you can see I made some steps by taking a risk. The thing is I wish I had a friend who can go with me to places I go. I'm go to places all alone and I feel lonely. I'm going to that tomorrow's evening alone. I'm hoping I would get enough chance to talk to those nice American people. I will approach to people and make the first step. Now you know well what situation I am in. I wonder why people are not able to realise I can be their loyal lifetime lasting friend. By the way, I'm preparing for SAT, aspiring to get 2250. I thank god that I have some good self-discipline. I may go to top university if I get good scores and luck. Someday I will have grown very strong personally and socially that my acquaintances would not recognize me. Still I'm lonely and I cried several minutes ago. ( Men never cry- Mongolians phrase- I feel ashamed that I cried )
