Question for Introverts

[PlayingSolo]

Hi everyone, first-time-post here.

I'm the kind of person that really prefers to be alone a lot of the time. I'm very introverted and if I'm around someone for to long, I start feeling like I just need to get away from the person to get my energy back. This even happens with the few friends that I have, who are very good friends. The only people I've noticed that it doesn't happen around is my immediate family.

With that being said, I'm a twenty year old male, with a part time job in customer service while going to college. I had my first and only girlfriend a couple years ago that lasted for almost a year. While my relationship with her didn't work out, she really helped me find who I am in many different ways. Ever since then, I've really wanted to find that special girl that will make me happy and I can make her happy. I'm pretty shy, especially around girls. I've tried various dating websites, all in vain. However, I'm a little concerned that once I do find someone, the fact that I'm so introverted wouldn't make for a good relationship. These seem to be polar opposites. I always find myself wanting to be with someone doing various activities together, but I fear that I would start to feel the need separate myself from her for a while after a few hours... which is the exact opposite from what I imagine in my head. I'm just curious if anyone else has run into this situation before?

--PlayingSolo

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

I feel like I struggle with this dilemma on a daily basis. In actuality I only think about it when I happen across a female that piques my interest, or when I'm reminded of one. So I probably do think about it far too often.

I can sympathize with your situation. Generally I have two thoughts.

On one hand my introverted and anti-social nature might be what initially attracts a partner to me. So I should wait and see what happens.

The other...

I'll miss my opportunity with someone who might make me truly happy. I then think that I need to devise a solution before this happens and she ends up moving on.


Ultimately I default to the former due to some apathetic and logical prioritization of need versus want.



Best of luck on your end haha.

 

[nerdygirl]

I always thought I'd be a great wife for a guy in the military. He could be gone for months and rest assured that I was taking care of things at home and not cheating on him. I'd have months of solitude and be recharged in time for him to come home. Maybe you should consider hooking up with somebody in the Navy or something.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Happens to me too. Nothing wrong with just being honest and explaining that you need a little bit of time to yourself and your focus of interests; around acqutainances and strangers, I would always have a ready excuse when I needed to leave. Make your time when them good, rather than just long.

 

[LoneKiller]

Have you considered "Speed Dating"?

 

[PlayingSolo]

Sorry for the late reply. You guys have some good advice... I've never heard of speed dating though lol. I've just always kind of felt that two parts of my personality are butting heads. I've never met anyone else like me, as far as introvertedness goes, and never heard of anyone else with this kind of situation, so I thought I'd ask here and see what you guys thought. I had thought of trying to find someone who is in a similar situation I am, so that when we needed our alone time, neither of us would feel bad. But in my experience, it seems its kind of hard to come across someone with that personality :/

 

[Todd]

Yeah, I feel the same when it comes to being around people for too long. I am somewhat outgoing to a degree. But, I do prefer my space and not have to talk to someone even if they are in the room. I just don't have a lot to say at times. People who know me, they know my personality and they are fine with me. I think as life goes on you gravitate towards people who hold similar personalities as yourself, which works for the good in some cases and works for the bad in others cases. If you are searching for a girlfriend the right one will hopefully be along when both of you are ready to cross paths. I know that this is how it is for me personally.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Nope, I'm the opposite. The more I'm around someone the more I tend to open up to them. Actually if I'm around them too long and enjoy their company I don't want to keep them, because once they leave I'll be alone again.

 

[Limlim]

When introverts hook up they tend to have a lot of "alone together" time. Basically they'll be completely silent doing their own thing but often in the same room as their partner.

 

[Tiina63]

Being an introvert too, I find the beginnings of a new relationship very difficult, as most people want to be on the phone to you several times a week and want to spend hours with you when you meet up, and I find this so exhausting. When I am in love with someone, I like to be on the phone to them every day and to spend hours with them, but getting over the hurdle of beginning a relationship is so hard.

 

[cities]

My experience as an introvert is similar to the original poster.

 

[PlayingSolo]

When introverts hook up they tend to have a lot of "alone together" time. Basically they'll be completely silent doing their own thing but often in the same room as their partner.

I never had really thought of this. I think it could work

 

[Cupcake Dog]

I am introverted to the point where I feel like I would be a terrible partner in a relationship. People really drain me sometimes, and if it starts causing problems with the relationship I don't know if I'll be able to use introversion as an excuse.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I am introverted to the point where I feel like I would be a terrible partner in a relationship. People really drain me sometimes, and if it starts causing problems with the relationship I don't know if I'll be able to use introversion as an excuse.

This isn't be the issue with the right partner at all; all people need some alone time sometimes, and with some people, you might not feel such a need to detach. I mean, you probably grew up with your parents - did you feel the need to interact with them every moment? But at the same time, did they drain you just by being in the same house?

 

[Cupcake Dog]

I am introverted to the point where I feel like I would be a terrible partner in a relationship. People really drain me sometimes, and if it starts causing problems with the relationship I don't know if I'll be able to use introversion as an excuse.

This isn't be the issue with the right partner at all; all people need some alone time sometimes, and with some people, you might not feel such a need to detach. I mean, you probably grew up with your parents - did you feel the need to interact with them every moment? But at the same time, did they drain you just by being in the same house?

Sometimes, I don't really get along with my parents, and I'm an only child, so most of my time was spent alone. I see your point though, and I hope that the ideal partner will recognize when I need my alone time.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Sometimes, I don't really get along with my parents, and I'm an only child, so most of my time was spent alone. I see your point though, and I hope that the ideal partner will recognize when I need my alone time.

Ditto on not getting along with my parents; but yes, I'm glad that you see what I mean. It doesn't really need to be just some 'ideal'; you'll find that a lot of people will understand when you need to be alone sometimes. Communication - even communicating when you need to be alone - is valuable.

 

[ohcalidatex]

I had to smile reading your post and many of the answers. You are an introvert alright! Welcome to the club.

I am 51 years old and have gone through 2 marriages so would think I'd have some insight to offer but I'm afraid I don't. The key is finding someone (introvert or extrovert) who accepts you for who you are. Someone who can give you your space or silent times alone together without it bothering them and without them being hurt or offended by it. I have met introverts who have had successful marriages. They key is finding that kind of person.

Sometimes that desire in us to have someone causes us to compromise and try and be more outgoing and talkative then we really want to be. We keep it up for awhile and then we just can't anymore. For me it has been key to be upfront and don't compromise. If your gal wants to talk on the phone regularly put a time limit on it. Tell her you're not a big phone person and half an hour is your limit or just say you've got to go do other things. If she likes you and can accept that about you then she will adjust. If that does not meet her needs then you both found out early on before your emotional investment got too high.

A relationship counselor told me that it's critical to establish boundaries early on in the relationship. You have to set expectations about who you are and how you operate. They will either be ok with and adjust to those boundaries or move on to someone else. Human nature though is to try and please someone when we are attracted which can mean suspending your boundaries while you hope to establish a meaningful relationship with that person. You have to stick to your guns as to who you are.

All relationships need compromise to be successful and I'm not saying you should never compromise but being an introvert is a fundamental part of who you are and what defines you. If you try and be someone you aren't you will be miserable in the long run. It's not easy as us introverts are in the minority so most of the potential dates out there are extroverts. Some understand us but many do not. All I can say, quoting Shakespeare, is "To thine own self be true."

Keep looking for that special someone but never lose sight of who you are. If you pretend to be someone you're not eventually not only will you be miserable but so will she. I've learned that one the hard way.

p.s. I don't like long phone calls no matter how much I love the person.