Saying No to a Social Invite

[Pike Creek]

it is awkward saying 'no' sometimes.
Somebody at work is 50 a week on Saturday and they are having a surprize party
for her. I have donated some money for her presents.
I got asked today if I was going and I said 'no'
They called me a miserable *******.
I said I don't do parties. Thing is a lot of people are going to be there. Bound to be a complete ******* there. Probably two.

Other people's expectations is what makes it hard...why would you be a miserable ******* if you simply don't want to go...people take things so personally but you can't change their viewpoints. The best friend I mentioned above who I ended up having to lie to, it didn't matter what my excuse was, she took it as a personal affront if I didn't attend all of her gatherings.

It's an ingrained view that society in general has about the need to be "social animals". I don't feel that need, so I'm in the minority and therefore misunderstood and disliked for it.

I remember my awful mother saying that anyone who didn't show up at her weekly Sunday dinners would be talked about in a bad way. She said this jokingly, but nothing could have been further from the truth. You don't conform, people don't like it. I've grown to the point where my attitude is like it or lump it.

 

[Case]

it is awkward saying 'no' sometimes.
Somebody at work is 50 a week on Saturday and they are having a surprize party
for her. I have donated some money for her presents.
I got asked today if I was going and I said 'no'
They called me a miserable *******.
I said I don't do parties. Thing is a lot of people are going to be there. Bound to be a complete ******* there. Probably two.

Yeah. I've been there, too. People think that if you don't attend these things that you are disrespectful or rude. I think it's rude for these people to make people like us, who don't want to attend these things, feel guilty about it.

It's an ingrained view that society in general has about the need to be "social animals". I don't feel that need, so I'm in the minority and therefore misunderstood and disliked for it.

I tried to play the office social game by attending all birthday celebrations, but I was always standing around waiting for it to be over. After a while, people realized that I wasn't a big party person, so they left me alone. I was fortunate that no one tried to shame me about it.

I remember my awful mother saying that anyone who didn't show up at her weekly Sunday dinners would be talked about in a bad way. She said this jokingly, but nothing could have been further from the truth. You don't conform, people don't like it. I've grown to the point where my attitude is like it or lump it.

I can understand why your mother might have said this. Imagine putting all of your hopes into this gathering and no one shows up. Might be embarrassing, so to prevent that, she makes a veiled threat masked as a joke to make sure people show up. I think it's based on insecurity.

 

[Pike Creek]

I can understand why your mother might have said this. Imagine putting all of your hopes into this gathering and no one shows up. Might be embarrassing, so to prevent that, she makes a veiled threat masked as a joke to make sure people show up. I think it's based on insecurity.

I know this is off topic, but for my own continued recovery, I have to clarify. She was a horribly abusive woman. She had dozens of people coming to her weekly dinners and because she was a bitter, two-faced control freak, if one person declined, she talked crap about them all night and tried to get the rest of the bunch to hate them along with her. It may be based on insecurity but frankly I'm done trying to understand her...okay, I feel a lot better!

 

[Case]

I can understand why your mother might have said this. Imagine putting all of your hopes into this gathering and no one shows up. Might be embarrassing, so to prevent that, she makes a veiled threat masked as a joke to make sure people show up. I think it's based on insecurity.

I know this is off topic, but for my own continued recovery, I have to clarify. She was a horribly abusive woman. She had dozens of people coming to her weekly dinners and because she was a bitter, two-faced control freak, if one person declined, she talked crap about them all night and tried to get the rest of the bunch to hate them along with her. It may be based on insecurity but frankly I'm done trying to understand her...okay, I feel a lot better!

Oh... umm... Soooo, insecurity is kinda like being horribly abusive, right? Right??? (sigh... punches self HARD in the face - BAD Case. BAD Case. BAD!)

Oh well. Sorry that was a bad experience. But I'm glad you feel better. Sometimes you just have to get away from certain people, which I suppose is part of the reason to not be social sometimes. We need to not interact with the horrible people.

 

[Pike Creek]

Oh... umm... Soooo, insecurity is kinda like being horribly abusive, right? Right??? (sigh... punches self HARD in the face - BAD Case. BAD Case. BAD!)

Oh well. Sorry that was a bad experience. But I'm glad you feel better. Sometimes you just have to get away from certain people, which I suppose is part of the reason to not be social sometimes. We need to not interact with the horrible people.

Not at all, NOT bad Case! If I don't share all info, how would you know right? But yes, in a situation like that, saying no to a social invite is definitely to save one's mental health from taking another beating!

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yeah I've done this in the past, especially since I have a lot of lonely depressing days. It's harder for me to face people whenever I'm having a hard time with my life, so I'll say No and I also feel like I'm bothering other people with my problems so I'll end up saying No to their invites. This does make a lot of sense. Is this the only reason why you didn't want to go or is there more to it than just that? Let me know if you need to talk. =)

 

[Case]

Update:

The same family from my OP is having another gathering today to celebrate a birthday, and I got another invite. (This is a family that gathers frequently, and it's quite foreign to me since I grew up in isolation from my extended family. So, this regular meeting is rather strange to me to wrap my head around.)

Anyway, this time, I accepted, but as the hour draws near, I'm getting anxious. It's normal for me to get nervous before an event because I over-think all of the possibilities of appearing less-than-exemplary to these people. Then, I arrive, and I usually feel at home, and everything is fine. But, for the life of me, I cannot shake the nervousness.

In my earlier days, while battling social anxiety, this nervousness would have been magnified by a factor of 10, and I would have made any excuse I could imagine to cancel just to stop the nervousness. Now, I accept the invite only because I know that the people in this family are kind and generous. But I still get nervous, and I hate that. I hate it because it tempts me all the way up to when I ring their doorbell. Plus, I have to bring a present, and there's anxiety about that. (Will she like it? Will others appreciate my effort? Etc.)

I'm not going to cancel today, but my brain will try to find ways to make me feel horrible about it until the moment I arrive. Yay. My sabotaging brain. lol

 

[Pike Creek]

Gotta love your sabotaging brain, lol...just like mine...Same here. Actually my bf's best friend is supposed to spend the weekend here, arriving tomorrow, to help him with work stuff, and I've been so **** anxious the last few days I can barely eat. I know the guy, he's nice, the two of them will likely be buried in his office working, so wtf am I so scared about. The friend called and said he might not be able to make it because he rides a motorcycle and it's supposed to rain heavily on Saturday when he's scheduled to drive back to the city. The relief I feel currently is bursting through me.

I hope your evening turns out well. I don't know if you drink, but a large glass of wine usually got me out the door when I couldn't say no to social invites back in the day.

 

[Case]

I hope your evening turns out well. I don't know if you drink, but a large glass of wine usually got me out the door when I couldn't say no to social invites back in the day.

Yep. You pretty much know how I feel, then. And, not to sound like a teetotaler, because I actually do drink alcohol, but I have a rule about not drinking if I'm anxious, angry, or upset. I have alcoholism in my family, so I want to be very careful not to tempt any triggers. However, I have heard that a nip of the drink douses the nerves a bit, and some therapists have even recommended that to me.

Funny thing just happened, though. I drove to my friend's house where the gathering will be, and no one was there! I texted my friend because she had not actually told me where this was being held, and she just texted me frantically asking me if I could come one hour later, which is 45 minutes from now. I chose to restart my car and drive home. (We live 6 minutes away from each other.)

So, right now, I'm juggling anxiety AND frustration. LOL - My friend is super apologetic, especially when she found out I was outside her house when no one was home. She's admittedly a poor planner, as I am, so this is not a great surprise, but I'm letting it slide. (big breath, aaaaand exhale. lol)

 

[Pike Creek]

Murphy's Law at work!!! If it were me, really I'd be freaking out! Yeah, seriously breathe...you committed to going, and I'm sure all will be well once you get there!

 

[blackdot]

Nothing wrong with declining a social invite if it's something you don't like doing.
I've been invited to wedding party later this month. Was invited to a type of bachelor party earlier this month. Declined both as that kind of stuff is way too depressing.

 

[Case]

Murphy's Law at work!!! If it were me, really I'd be freaking out! Yeah, seriously breathe...you committed to going, and I'm sure all will be well once you get there!

And all was well. Great people, down to Earth, and one even took me aside to make sure I was okay. (She could tell something was bothering me since I went a tad "off-the-grid" for a while.) They are my anchor, I suppose, which was why not going the last time probably bothered me so much.

 

[Jacob1]

Have you ever found yourself feeling really lonely and isolated, and when someone invites you to do something fun, you make up an excuse not to do it?

That happened to me last week. I was feeling lonely, and on a spur-of-the-moment occasion, I got a text requesting me to have dinner with people who are about the only family I have without being biological. But I said I was busy. I said I had a project deadline due. My friend texted back and said, "Come take a break and have dinner with us." And I insisted that my project needed to be completed that evening, so she relented.

Later, I felt so bad about turning her down that I actually finished the project I mentioned to her, which was not actually due that evening. All out of guilt, and also so I could later say that I really did use that time to finish that project.

Why do I push people away when I'm feeling sad and lonely? Shouldn't I jump at the chance to be around people I like in those moments when I despise my isolation? Why would I want to retreat from people I genuinely care about? Maybe it's more than just loneliness. Maybe I'm falling into a depression and I'm only seeing the beginning of it right now.

Requesting you to go to dinner,or we're they asking you as friend. You need to enjoy life. Before you go to the next stage of existence. You see my friend this life is not giving its chosen by you. You had the opportunity,to move on but you didn't. You chose to stay in this form of reality but why you must probably like most people you loved life. Now enjoy it you ...chose it !!!

 

[Case]

Requesting you to go to dinner,or we're they asking you as friend.

Both. It was a family dinner (not my own family) and I was being invited as a friend. Was that not clear in my message?

You need to enjoy life.

Not exactly the best piece of advice I've received lately. It's like saying, "You must learn to love spinach," when it makes me gag. It doesn't tell me HOW to love spinach.

Before you go to the next stage of existence. You see my friend this life is not giving its chosen by you. You had the opportunity,to move on but you didn't. You chose to stay in this form of reality but why you must probably like most people you loved life. Now enjoy it you ...chose it !!!

Next stage of existence? lol - My next stage of existence is being burned in a furnace and my ashes returned to the soil of this planet. I fail to see how anything you wrote is anything that I can't read off of any inspirational poster. But I appreciate the effort.

 

[Jacob1]

Requesting you to go to dinner,or we're they asking you as friend.

Both. It was a family dinner (not my own family) and I was being invited as a friend. Was that not clear in my message?

You need to enjoy life.

Not exactly the best piece of advice I've received lately. It's like saying, "You must learn to love spinach," when it makes me gag. It doesn't tell me HOW to love spinach.

Before you go to the next stage of existence. You see my friend this life is not giving its chosen by you. You had the opportunity,to move on but you didn't. You chose to stay in this form of reality but why you must probably like most people you loved life. Now enjoy it you ...chose it !!!

Next stage of existence? lol - My next stage of existence is being burned in a furnace and my ashes returned to the soil of this planet. I fail to see how anything you wrote is anything that I can't read off of any inspirational poster. But I appreciate the effort.

You need to open your 3rd eye and just relax man. Look it up how to do it I swear your life will be change if you do, give it a try .

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I'm not joking

 

[Case]

You need to open your 3rd eye and just relax man. Look it up how to do it I swear your life will be change if you do, give it a try .

---

I'm not joking

---

I know you're not joking. I know you're trolling, though.

 

[Jacob1]

You need to open your 3rd eye and just relax man. Look it up how to do it I swear your life will be change if you do, give it a try .

---

I'm not joking

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I know you're not joking. I know you're trolling, though.

---

You see me Trollin is hilarious song you just reminded me of it. But real talk that 3rd ,is real you can astral project if you get good!

 

[Case]

You see me Trollin is hilarious song you just reminded me of it. But real talk that 3rd ,is real you can astral project if you get good!

*ignored*

 

[Jacob1]

You see me Trollin is hilarious song you just reminded me of it. But real talk that 3rd ,is real you can astral project if you get good!

*ignored*

Yayo I don't want that yayo but I got a thousand pounds of loud on the way though

 

[Case]

Nothing wrong with declining a social invite if it's something you don't like doing.

Well, I realized it's all just avoidance, and one thing I know is that avoidance is only good if you are avoiding danger.

Anyway, I was just invited somewhere for next week, and I decided to accept it even though it means that I'll have a bit more attention paid to me than I would normally like. Small price to pay to be with friends.