Saying NO to loneliness! My Journal

[Xpendable]

I'll admit there's an element of shallowness in some of his posts, perhaps "all" if you're conservative, perhaps "none" if you're very liberal... but if you're going to try and take the high moral ground here, you need to be able to say with a straight face that your thoughts on relationships are completely pure and altruistic, which I don't think you (or anyone) truly can.

I'm not trying to take any moral ground. The issue is that this thread is called "Saying no to loneliness" No "hook-up diary" or "pick up diary". If that were the case, it would be on point, and I wouldn't have any question to ask. In what all this picking up has helped OP with his loneliness? If I remember correctly he was looking for the ONE, but I don't remember him being all too concerned with finding this relationship through his nights out. I don't know where he's supposed learning is directed. He sees a girl he likes (or group), interacts with her and then reports what happened. Then he repeats this process ad nauseam in a routine which results are not really clear. He can be attracted to whomever he wants, but I think a mayor flaw of thinking is that you can beat loneliness by surrounding yourself with many people as you can, instead of just trying to make a connection with them. Has OP created a significant relationship (romantic or not) out of all of this?

---

Please ignore him and continue doing what you are doing. Is it making you happy? Is your life better now that you are meeting these girls? Of course. Then keep going!

I think that's something he should be able to answer and no one else.

 

[bender22]

Please ignore him and continue doing what you are doing. Is it making you happy? Is your life better now that you are meeting these girls? Of course. Then keep going!

Thanks beyond shy, you're right - it's pointless responding to those type of negative comments. My life is undoubtedly far better than before I started this journal.

I was going to start writing about all the ways in which my life has improved since starting this. But there's really no need for me to justify myself to people like Xpendable. Anyone who has read through the journal properly would be well aware of how my life has improved.

It's unfortunate that some people would rather find fault in someone who is making positive changes in their life instead of trying to make positive changes themselves. Seems like the cynicism is just a way to help justify his own lack of positive action.

 

[Xpendable]

I was going to start writing about all the ways in which my life has improved since starting this. But there's really no need for me to justify myself to people like Xpendable. Anyone who has read through the journal properly would be well aware of how my life has improved.

Not looking justification. I honestly want to learn the difference between positive and negative from your point of view.

It's unfortunate that some people would rather find fault in someone who is making positive changes in their life instead of trying to make positive changes themselves. Seems like the cynicism is just a way to help justify his own lack of positive action.

Actions aren't positive or negative. What works for some it doesn't form others. Again, I sincerely want to know the objective of your determinations. Why do you think this routine has resulted "positive" according to you and what what has changed.

 

[bender22]

Saturday night

I was intending on going out solo on Saturday night but ended up meeting up with some of the other guys. Probably a mistake, I do better solo. First girls I talked to was a group of two. One of them made eye contact with me so I talked to her. She responded well and seemed cool but the friend wanted didn't want to hang around.

KFC girl's friend was out but no KFC girl. Usually KFC girl gets drunk and her friend (I'll call her Kate) stays sober and looks after her. But KFC girl wasn't there so Kate decided to get drunk. She was with her older sister. I talked to them and they invited me to dance with them. Weird dynamic between me and Kate, she was all bright and flirty when I talked to her but when I wasn't talking to her she barely noticed me.

I'm sure she wanted to hook up with a guy during the night and I thought if I hung around them long enough, something would naturally happen. I kept bouncing between them and looking for other girls. In the end I committed far too much time to trying to hook up with Kate and far too little time meeting other girls.

I think Kate's sister was more interested in me but I wasn't so attracted to her. Biggest mistake I made was being too passive with Kate, needed to be a lot more assertive if anything was going to happen. Eventually I gave up on her and went home.

Somewhere during the night I bumped into a girl I'd met ages ago who remembered my name. She gave me a hug and told me it was her birthday. I couldn't remember her name. She said we were facebook friends so I told her to bring up my facebook profile on her phone. She did and I scrolled down to one of my photos and liked it so I could check the notification on my phone to find out her name.

Need to do solo next week.
......................................................................................

I had three dates with three different girls over the weekend.

On Saturday afternoon I caught up with a girl from tinder. We went to a local pub and sat outside in the beer garden. Great spot for a date, especially on a nice day. Nice girl, very mature for her age (22) and she was easy to talk to. She probably would've kept talking all day and night if I hadn't stopped her. I don't know how some people can just keep talking and talking like that without running out of things to say.

On a side note, it's really starting to bother me when I talk to people who talk endlessly about THEMSELVES. These people could talk for hours non stop about themselves without asking one question about the other person. From meeting a lot of people, I have found that one thing which separates high quality, likeable people from average people is that quality people tend to talk a lot less about themselves and instead they will encourage others to talk about themselves by asking them questions. The high quality person will be genuinely interested in other people, while lower quality people will barely even pay attention when the other person actually gets an opportunity to talk about them self.

On Sunday afternoon, I met up with the girl I've been seeing for a while now (around 3 months but inconsistently because she lives a long way from me). This is another person who only talks about herself. Out of all the times we've hung out she's asked me very little about myself. I'm not sure if she even knows what I do for work lol. Might text her and ask if she knows. I like this girl but at the same time there's too many things that bother me about her. I think I've tolerated these things because she's physically attractive but I can't let them go much longer. She's not the type I've girl I'd want a long term relationship with. Time to move on from her I think.

Sunday night, I met up with the girl from last week who I got food with at the end of the night. Most of my dates I'll usually take the girl to a specific place to get something to eat or drink. This time I just met up with her near the beach and we hung out around that area without going inside anywhere. Was great because it was a warm night and so nice outside. Might do something like that more often on dates.

This girl (I'll call her N) was definitely really nervous at first but she started to relax quickly. I was worried it might have been difficult to carry the conversation with her over a few hours because she's a little shy but that wasn't a problem. We watched the sunset together on the jetty which was cool. Already the vibe between us was SO much different to the other two dates. We were just telling each other stories about each other, getting to know each other but the non verbals, like our eye contact were communicating so much more.

I really wanted to kiss her but there were lots of people around so I said lets go for a walk alongside the beach. We walked further down to a quieter spot and I challenged her to a thumb war. I told her if I won I was going to kiss her. Of course I won, pulled her into me and kissed her. Because of the vibe between us it was so easy to make a move and kiss her. It just made sense and it would have been weird not to kiss her because we both obviously wanted it. We went down onto the sand, made some terrible sand castles then laid on the sand together making out. She told me she was so glad she came back into town last week and bumped into me (she'd taken her friend home before I bumped into while I was walking back to my car).

We walked back to my car and I drove her back to where she was parked. We made out again then sat there together not really saying much but just appreciating each others company before she left.

That was one of the best first dates I've ever had. Don't think I've had such good chemistry with any of the other girls I've met this year, even the one I've been seeing for 3+ months. I'm not sure yet if she's the type of girl I'd want an exclusive relationship with yet (and I'm trying to avoid thinking too much about that at this early stage), I'll wait until I know her better before making that judgement but she's definitely ticking a lot of the right boxes. It was also cool how I felt like I could completely be myself around her and I think she felt the same way. Can't wait to hang out with her more.

 

[bender22]

Spent Thursday night and Saturday night with N (from my last post). I am really into this girl and she's really into me. Thursday night we went out for dessert then went back to my car. We drove to this lookout spot which is the spot people always go to hook up in their cars. I kinda wanted to have sex with her then and we almost did but at the same time I was thinking I really like this girl and I'd rather our first time not be in the back of my car. I said lets get a hotel Saturday night and she was totally up for it.

We booked a hotel and had a great night together on Saturday. We got a bottle of wine and some other drinks and took them back to the hotel room. Sort of regretted drinking as much as I did afterwards. Haven't been drinking for so long and I really have no desire to get drunk any more (not that I was ever a big drinker anyway). But that was the only blemish on the night.

We had sex twice, cuddled and talked about what we'd like to do together in the future. Very relationship-y frame. She said she'd been stalking my facebook page and seen all these photos of me with other girls at nightclubs. She asked me if I was a player, wasn't sure how to respond to that. Then she said she hoped this wouldn't just be a one night stand because she wanted to see me again. I told her I definitely want to see her again.

It was a great feeling going to sleep with this girl next to me. She's the first girl since the one I was seeing last year who I've had a really deep connection with.

I could see this moving towards a relationship and I think I'm quite open to that. Just recently I wrote a post about how a relationship could be what I need right now. I'll still need to learn more about N before deciding whether she is someone I am prepared to commit to in an exclusive relationship.

There are some concerns I have. A lack of confidence and direction in her life are my main concerns. But these are both things that could be developed and overcome. She's only young too (20) so she still has plenty of time to develop these things. Right now she's a bit like a blank canvas.

I can see she's a really sweet, beautiful girl on the inside and I think she has the potential to become an amazing, strong person with the right guidance and someone to push her. Like I've said before, I want amazing people in my life. I'm not sure if N is that person just yet but I would love to see her grow in confidence, develop her personality and become an incredible person.

I'm wondering, do I take a chance on N in the hope that she will grow into that person or keep searching for a girl who is already there? I know how difficult is is to find attractive girls who you have great chemistry with and I have that with N. She's good looking, she's positive, she doesn't take herself too seriously, I think she has generally good values, she seems to have been raised well and has a good relationship with her parents. So she already has a lot of the things that I look for in a girl.

If she's prepared to work on herself, she could be the complete package. I know I've grown in confidence so much and become a lot more mature, well rounded person since I was 20 because I've worked on myself. And I know this isn't something I can force upon her, she needs to want it herself.

This is a great video I just watched and really resonates with me where I'm at right now. It's a long video and a lot of it is a bit crass but he makes a few great points especially about relationships. I'll summarize a few of the key take aways. If you're going to watch that video, skip to 15:30. [video=youtube]

-When most guys want to get into a relationship it's coming from a place of laziness. They will find the first attractive girl who shows any interest in them and get into a relationship with her even when they know there are probably better girls out there. They realise this is the easier option when the alternative is committing a lot of time to self improvement, going out to meet a lot of women and getting rejected a lot in the process.
-The purpose of meeting a lot of women is to learn how to attract the quality ones so you can have a freedom of choice with women instead of just settling for the first one who shows interest in you. If you do get into a relationship and the girl ends up leaving you, you want to have the confidence you can find another quality girl to replace her.
-A healthy relationship should be a growth experience for both parties, but most couples stagnate once they get in a relationship and get caught in a downward spiral.
-In a relationship it's important to be attracted to the girls personality AND be physically attracted to her. If you're not physically attracted to her, it's unfair on the girl because she deserves to be with a guy who is.

 

[bender22]

Thursday night

Caught up with N again. Really enjoying getting to know this girl more and spending time with her.

Friday night

It does feel a bit different going out to meet girls when you already have strong feelings for another girl. But I still want to keep sharpening my skills. I don't want to become complacent just because I've got one girl who likes me.

There were a few groups of girls I talked to before going inside but when we got in the club I was finding it difficult to approach at first. Think that was partly because I had N on my mind.

There was one really attractive girl next to me when I was lining up at the bar to a get a water. I asked her what she was going to wear for Halloween. She responded very positively with a big smile on her face. When she got served her drinks she didn't just rush off back to her friends she hung around and kept talking for a bit until her friends came over. She said they were going to dance and said it was nice to meet me and gave me a hug. I was crazy for not trying to take this one any further. She was obviously interested in me and would have liked to get to know me more and I just let her go. I saw her a few more times during the night and could've re-approached but didn't.

Shane and I went outside for a while and talked to a few girls out on the street. Had some pretty good interactions out there, we work well together. There was one girl we stopped and talked to. Had a really fun conversation with her, if I hadn't been with Shane I probably would have asked for her number.

When Shane and I were going back inside I saw one girl lining up who really appealed to me. She was good looking but probably not the hottest girl in the club by most guys standards. But I wanted to talk to her more than any other girl in the club. I was looking for her inside the club and saw her with a few of her friends. I was making my way over to approach them then the girl I wanted took of to the bathroom. I thought I would still approach the friends and hope the other girl would come back and I would talk to her then. Executed the plan nicely. I got talking to the friends for a few minutes then I see someone appear next to us and it's the girl I wanted. Talked to her a bit before she got distracted by her friends and I lost her.

Missed a lot of good opportunities to talk to girls. When I first got there almost every girl I walked by was giving me eyes. Even one of the really hot bartenders who barely seems to notice me when I usually go there was looking me in the eyes and smiling when I went over to get a water.

If I were to get into an exclusive relationship at some point, I would honestly miss going out and meeting girls a lot. Even though there are some nights where I get frustrated and feel like honeysuckle afterwards it can be SO much fun. Even nights where not much happens can still be extremely fun. I've been out almost every week for almost 2 years now and it's become a big part of my life. I have some incredible memories from my nights out. If I stopped going out it would leave a huge void in my life.

Going out for Halloween tonight!

 

[Batman55]

Oppressive, loud, heavy atmospheres... people wearing their evening best on the street, going into or out of bars/clubs, shouting and making strange gestures... drunk folks on a mean streak talking loudly in your direction, making you think you're their next target... How do you operate in this kind of atmosphere? Why would you even want to? I can't see the appeal, honestly. This is the last kind of setting I'd ever want to be in.

More to the point, we're generally shy and introverted here, many of us can barely socialize in groups of people we already *know*, without feeling inferior. Now, group socializing with strangers, that's just not going to bear fruit... it would only make me feel worse, as I know from experience, and I have to accept that. Basically, most of your progress has occurred in heavy group settings in loud bars/clubs... seems to be the only way forward, really, based on what I see here. It's hard for me to believe that there are any good alternatives, despite your claim that there are.

 

[bender22]

Saturday

Halloween night. N said she was going to be out in town too and we made vague plans to catch up later in the night. Talked to a few girls and a few guys at the club we went to before I started getting texts from N saying she wanted to get away from the friends she was with and wanted me to come to meet her. I didn't really want to leave the club I was at yet but I said I'd go to meet her at 12. I couldn't focus on my night because I kept getting texts from her.

It was about 11pm and she texts me saying she could meet up but she would have to go back to her other friends afterwards. I went to meet up with her and tried to convince her to come with me. She barely knew these friends and they sounded like complete losers. And one of the friends was some sleazy guy who by the sound of it wanted to hook up with N. She said she had to go with them because she had already told them she would. I was pretty annoyed she chose to go with a group of people she barely knew over me.

Definitely having some second thoughts about N today after that. Not only did she choose those other people over me but there were a few other things she said that made me wonder if she is really the type of girl I want. Think I need to really slow things down with her and give myself plenty of time to judge her character. The first few weeks or months when you're first getting to know someone you really like is a lot of fun but I think it's also a dangerous period. It's so easy to get caught up in the strong emotions and overlook some of the other person's shortcomings.

What N did last night is unacceptable in my opinion. I guess I'm willing to give her another chance because I do like her a lot and it's the first time she's slipped up but if something like that happens again, I probably won't be as forgiving. Need to have boundaries.

After that ordeal with N I had a new motivation to go and find new girls. So I went back to the same club as before which was really busy by this point. Talked to some guy in the line there. Talked to one girl for about five minutes. She must have been a bit older than I first thought....turned out she had two kids, one of whom was 8 years old.

I was walking around and a girl started talking to me. She was a bit overweight and drunk but her friend was more attractive and not so drunk so I talked to her. I went with them to the bar to get a drink and met a few of their other friends too. After about 15 minutes with them I told the more attractive one that I had to find my friends but I wanted to see her later and got her to put her number in my phone. If I'd felt like staying out another hour or two I probably could've followed up on this one and made something happen but I didn't feel like staying out too late.

Had some other interactions that didn't really go anywhere. Probably would have been a much better night if N hadn't been out.

---

Oppressive, loud, heavy atmospheres... people wearing their evening best on the street, going into or out of bars/clubs, shouting and making strange gestures... drunk folks on a mean streak talking loudly in your direction, making you think you're their next target... How do you operate in this kind of atmosphere? Why would you even want to? I can't see the appeal, honestly. This is the last kind of setting I'd ever want to be in.

More to the point, we're generally shy and introverted here, many of us can barely socialize in groups of people we already *know*, without feeling inferior. Now, group socializing with strangers, that's just not going to bear fruit... it would only make me feel worse, as I know from experience, and I have to accept that.

Different strokes for different folks I guess. I can understand why some people don't enjoy the bar/night club scene and there are times where I don't like it either. But it has grown on me a lot. I try to usually go to bars and nightclubs that attract nicer people and avoid any clubs that attract a lot of obnoxious, rude people, druggies or violent people.

Bars and nightclubs can definitely feel very intimidating, especially for someone who is naturally more introverted. But when you're going out almost every week, you start to feel a lot more comfortable quickly.

Basically, most of your progress has occurred in heavy group settings in loud bars/clubs... seems to be the only way forward, really, based on what I see here. It's hard for me to believe that there are any good alternatives, despite your claim that there are.

Have you tried meeting women during the day yet? If not, you're just speculating aren't you? I've gone out and actually tried meeting girls almost everywhere you can find them and still believe there are perfectly good alternatives to bars and night clubs.

 

[bender22]

Sorted things out with N. She realised she had made a mistake last weekend and apologised for it. In a strange way I think it's almost a good thing to have something like that happen if you can move past it. It gives you as the man an opportunity to put your foot down and demonstrate to the girl that you're not going to accept any bullshit from her. If you can do that without being too reactive or getting too emotional about it, it seems to be very attractive to the girl.

Some guys (like me a few years ago) would just say 'oh it's okay, don't worry about it' and I think most girls would see that guy as a coward who's too afraid to stand up for himself and lose respect for him. I was able to handle the situation in a way that didn't make me look like a coward or a complete ******* and I think our relationship will be better off for it.

We've been spending more and more time together. I stayed at her place the last two nights. She's definitely hooked. I know she would like this to become an exclusive relationship between us, it's just a question of whether I'm ready for that at this point in my life.

Still have some doubts over whether I would want an exclusive relationship or not.

On one side I have great chemistry with N, she's a great girl and I'm really enjoying spending time with her. I know how difficult it is to meet quality girls who you click with. In the past few years I've met hundreds of girls and there's probably only a handful who I've really clicked with on a deeper level and would consider for a relationship. Now I've found one and if I let her go who knows how long it would be before I found another one.

But on the other side, going out to meet girls has been an incredible self development tool for me. Without that in my life I wonder if I would stagnate.

 

[bender22]

Looks like almost a certainty that N and I will be in a relationship very soon. She wants it and I am pretty sure it's what I want too. And guys, I'm honestly really excited about this.

Last night I brought her with me to a early Christmas function and it was great to have someone with me instead of going to functions like that alone which I've done for most of my life.

Think I've come to grips with walking away from single life now. I've had a blast going out and meeting different girls every weekend but I am comfortable with giving that up for a girl like N. I'm grateful for having had all the experiences as a single guy that I've shared in this journal.

I'm also grateful that I wont be going into a relationship from a place of scarcity like so many guys do. N isn't just the first girl to show any interest in me. She's one of many girls I've met in the past few years who liked me but for me there is something special about her that sets her apart from those other girls.

I've been thinking about what direction this journal will go in now if I'm going to be in a relationship. If I'm not going out talking to girls every week anymore what will I write about? I don't want to abandon this journal because it's helped me so much to have somewhere to express my thoughts, it's an amazing record of my journey and the progress I've made. And I'm sure some of you guys who read this have got some value out of it all.

So I went back to the beginning of this journal where I wrote that I wanted to improve my dating life AND social life. It was my intention from the start of this journal to improve both of these areas in my life. And I have, but somehow this journal became almost exclusively focused on improving my dating life by talking to lots of girls.

You've all seen the progress I've made in my dating life. But I've talked a lot less about how my social life has changed. I do have a lot more friends now than I did when I first began this journal and I find it much easier to meet new people now thanks to the extra confidence I've gained.

It was during this journal that I met Shane, who has become one of the best friends I've ever had. He's someone I can talk to about almost anything. In the past I've never had any really close friends who I felt totally comfortable opening up to and letting them know what's going on in my life. Some of these other guys I've been going out with have become great friends too.

But I'd still like to further develop that area of my life. I still don't have a huge social circle besides those guys I go out at night with and a few friends from uni who I still catch up with. I'll still get shy in some groups of people and sometimes have trouble holding conversations.

One of my goals for 2015 which probably isn't going to happen was to host a party or get together with at least 20 people. That's something I really want to do in 2016 and to do that I will need to be meeting new people and building connections.

I want to be the guy who is always invited to social events and is always bringing new people into his life and helping to connect other people. I still want to bring amazing people into my life. They say you become the average of the five people you spend the most time around. Well if that's true, I want those five people to be incredible people who enrich my life.

So that's probably going to be the major focus of this journal from this point - building my social circle and making quality people a part of my life. During the week I will have to meditate on how I'm going to do this and create some sort of plan like i did for my dating life.

 

[Xpendable]

Nice to see you found an outcome from this. It feels like a new chapter.

 

[Batman55]

I guess I'd just want to see more tips for the shy and antisocial.. How does a guy who is shy and, due to a lifetime of lack of connection.. has become a bit misanthropic.. make any improvement in terms of meeting women? Now THAT I would pay for.

 

[BeyondShy]

I guess I'd just want to see more tips for the shy and antisocial.. How does a guy who is shy and, due to a lifetime of lack of connection.. has become a bit misanthropic.. make any improvement in terms of meeting women? Now THAT I would pay for.

So would I. I have my credit card right next to me.

 

[bender22]

Okay here are the most practical tips I can think of for shy, introverted guys based on my experience. Free of charge

Bender's top tips for introverted guys

Start small
Rather than throwing yourself straight into the deep end, start with baby steps. This takes the pressure off and helps to start building momentum.

I think it was before I even started this journal, I did a mini challenge where I just had to ask one or two people for the time when I went out during the day. Once I was comfortable with that, I challenged myself to ask 5 for the time in 20 minutes. I did a few increasingly difficult challenges like that.

Another one I did was to speak to 100 people in one week. That seemed like a lot back then.

You want to be getting slightly outside of your comfort zone but nothing too challenging. Rig the game so you can win. And make sure you celebrate those wins. If your first baby step is to go out and ask two people for the time and you do it, be happy about that!

Other baby steps you could take are:

-Complimenting strangers. Next time you see a girl at the shop wearing a shirt you like walk up to her and say something like 'hey excuse me, I just wanted to say I really like that shirt...have a great day' You will brighten her day and make yourself feel better too.
-Ask people questions. 'hey, I was just wondering where you got that food from? It smells great' 'excuse me, do you know how to get to XY from here? I'm so lost!' 'where did you get that camera from? I've been looking for a new camera.' Doesn't matter if you only talk to them for a few seconds. The point is to just get more comfortable approaching strangers.
-If you want something really simple just go to a busy shopping mall, try to make eye contact with people and smile.

Find other guys to go out with
There is no way I would have made the progress I have made if I didn't have a group of other guys to go out and meet girls with.

I was lucky when I first started out one of my friends was at a similar stage to me. He was frustrated by his lack of success with girls and he was eager to go out and learn to talk to girls. So when I first started going out I had him to go out with. But not everyone has that luxury. A few weeks into this journal he met a girl while he was out one night and got into a relationship with her shortly after.

I didn't really have any other single friends to go out and talk to girls with so I was on my own. I did try going out alone at night a few times but that was pretty daunting back then, I needed more confidence to do that.

Luckily almost every major city in the world now has some kind of pick up lair. A pick up lair is just a group of guys who want to go out and try to meet girls. From my experience, most guys in the pick up community are shy, introverted generally nice guys. Some are a bit strange, a lot have very poor social skills but most of them want to improve.

I found a forum for my city's local pick up lair and messaged a few guys on there who sounded similar to me. Once I met these guys, they introduced me to other guys who introduced me to other guys..... Pretty soon I had a good group of wingmen I could call on to go out with me almost any weekend. Having these guys to push me, discuss nights out with and keep me accountable made a huge difference.

If you're hesitant to meet up with some unknown guys from the internet then there's a lot of dating companies that host seminars in major cities all over the world. Attend one of those seminars and find some wingmen there.

These pick up lairs and seminars attract guys ranging anywhere from 18 - 40+. Not hard to find them with a quick google search.

Get a job that connects with people
If you want to gain confidence talking to people, you will need to talk to a lot of people. One way to do this is to find a job where you come in contact with a lot of people. This may not be practical for everyone but if you're in a position in your life to work in a job like that, I would strongly encourage you to.

When I was in uni, I worked at bars for a while. Every night I would talk to a lot of different people, it was a good opportunity to talk to girls too. Now I do some work in sales. Every week I meet at least 50 new people and probably speak to over 100 people every week thanks to my work.

Go places where it's easy to meet people
Bars and night clubs definitely aren't the easiest places to meet people. You're contending with loud music, alcohol, other guys and a lot of girls will have their defenses up.

One place I've met a lot of people is a free running club held weekly in my city. A friend of mine has just started going to salsa dancing classes and met a lot of people there. You could also try gym classes, art classes, toastmasters, social sports etc... People expect you to talk to them at these places. And you don't have all the distractions of a nightclub.

As a natural introvert myself, I know I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself 'I can't wait to go to an art class today and talk to a bunch of random people!' If you're reading this, you're probably the same as me. But if you want to overcome your shyness and improve your dating life, you have to force yourself to do these little things and do them consistently. And honestly, it's not as bad as you think it's going to be.

Eventbrite.com and meetup.com are both good for finding events to attend and groups of people to meet up with.

Take care of your appearance
If you're hideously ugly you're at a disadvantage but it's not the end of the world. I think everyone has seen an ugly guy together with an attractive girl and wondered how that happened. Looks aren't everything.

That being said I'd definitely encourage everyone to take a little pride in their appearance. Not so much for the girls, but for yourself. If you look good, you will feel better about yourself and have more confidence.

With some work, I think almost any guy can make himself above average looking. I'm not the best looking guy but I've made myself reasonably attractive by exercising, eating well and dressing well (and I don't spend much money on any fancy clothes). These things, especially exercise and nutrition can make a giant difference to your appearance.

Go to a gym and learn how to squat and deadlift properly. If you have bad posture, try an exercise called the farmers walk. 1-3 full body workouts per week is all you need. Get your diet right - so important. Not just for your appearance but for your energy, mood and health in general.

Eliminate sugary and processed foods as much as you can. Get plenty of vegetables, especially green ones in your diet. You also need protein - chicken, some red meat, greek yogurt and cottage cheese are some of my favourite sources. Healthy fats are important too - sardines and fish oil are good for omega 3, avocado, olives, nuts and coconut oil are also good for fats.

Go to bed a little bit better every night
If you don't like yourself and you're not satisfied with your life, it's going to be very difficult for a girl to like you.

I'm always reading books, learning from youtube videos, eating healthy foods, exercising, trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. These things make me feel good about myself because I know they are slowly making me a better person. If you're doing these things consistently, you are already ahead of 95% of other guys.

Analyze your interactions
If you start going out and talking to women, take the time to go back and analyze your interactions. This helps build so much more awareness. I'd strongly suggest keeping a journal like this, even if you keep it private. Ask yourself what you did well, what you could do better next time and what you learned.

Try to focus on the positives. Celebrate small successes. I think you need a little bit of irrational positivity to succeed at this. But don't be delusional.

TAKE ACTION!!!
None of the above tips will improve your dating life or social life if you don't take action. If I hadn't started taking action, I would still be in the same position I was a few years ago - frustrated and lonely. Take smart, consistent action and it is basically guaranteed that you will be in a better position a year from now. The longer you wait, the harder you're making it on yourself. Start now.

 

[Batman55]

Thanks to bender for taking the time to write that. It's a lot to take in, so I will try to provide a comment on it at a later time. There are a few points I would challenge, if he doesn't mind.. not sure he'll appreciate it, though, given this is his advice free of charge!

 

[bender22]

Batman, I would be shocked if their weren't a few points you wanted to challenge!

These tips are based on what has worked for me and what I have also seen work for other guys. They may not work for everyone but you're not going to find a magic pill that works for everyone anywhere.

 

[Xpendable]

My only question is: Are women taking the same actions?

 

[ardour]

Seems like good advice bender, hard to argue with any of it. It's tempting to repeat Xpendable's sentiments here, but let's not.

I'm stuck at the stage where female acquaintances go off me all of a sudden. We might get along for a while, spanning 2-3 conversations usually, then the next time we speak the attitude is totally different. This isn't with everyone but it's fairly frequent. I've analyzed it to death; it could be anything from my ugly default frown expression, monotone voice, body language, something someone else has said in the interim, or simply not being witty or interesting enough and coming across a bit simple.

It's not like I can just ask each person 'why'. (Be great to be able to though... maybe I could hand them a 'Why you didn't like me' form to fill out; in payment I'd promise never to speak to them again )

 

[Triple Bogey]

Seems like good advice bender, hard to argue with any of it. It's tempting to repeat Xpendable's sentiments here, but let's not.

I'm stuck at the stage where female acquaintances go off me all of a sudden. We might get along for a while, spanning 2-3 conversations usually, then the next time we speak the attitude is totally different. This isn't with everyone but it's fairly frequent. I've analyzed it to death; it could be anything from my ugly default frown expression, monotone voice, body language, something someone else has said in the interim, or simply not being witty or interesting enough and coming across a bit simple.

It's not like I can just ask each person 'why'. (Be great to be able to though... maybe I could hand them a 'Why you didn't like me' form to fill out; in payment I'd promise never to speak to them again )

I think you are wasting your time trying to figure it out. Even having women as friends can be tricky. My experience of women is they are very much up and down, good and bad moods, talkative or moody. This young lass a few weeks ago at work was all over me, I wrote about on here. Not like anything is going to happen but we did seem to be becoming very friendly. (She put her arm around me a couple of times)

Anyway since then she has got quieter with me. Talking less, smiling less. Very noticeable. Today she came into work, looked at me like she didn't know me and even though I said 'hi' she didn't reply, just walked past me. Now I didn't think it was anything to do with me. My bet is she was in a bad mood because of some reason. Argument at home is my bet. Her boyfriend giving her honeysuckle or something. I've worked with women for 25 years and had dozens of similar situations. It's how women are, all over you one minute, cold the next.

 

[bender22]

Saturday night

Went out Saturday night, first night out with the boys for a while. Although I wanted to talk to a few girls I had no intentions of hooking up or getting numbers or anything. Even if I'm not actively trying to meet other girls now, I still want to keep my social skills sharp and I think going out is one of the best ways to do so.

When I got there my buddy was already talking to a group of three girls. I talked to them for a while. Felt very at ease while I was talking to them and free from outcome.

It was difficult to do any of my own approaches. Partly because it had been a while since I'd gone out and partly because I had N on my mind and it felt weird approaching other girls. I initiated one conversation with a couple of girls who were behind us when we were lining up to go upstairs but besides that I just joined in on the approaches my buddy did.

When we were upstairs, we walked past two girls one of them gave me the 'come and approach me look' and then gave my buddy the same look. At first we kept walking but then he said we should go back and talk to them. We went back and he talked to one of them and I talked to the other. They were instantly both very receptive to us. I was talking to mine for just a few minutes and she went in to kiss me. At first I turned my cheek but then she went for it again. I went with it but pulled away fairly quickly. A few months ago I would've thought this was cool but now it just gave me a very empty feeling. I'm not in a relationship yet and N and I haven't agreed to be exclusive with each other so I guess I don't need to feel too guilty but I know she would be upset if she knew I kissed another girl.

I think the fact that I felt bad about kissing another girl is a good indication that I do like N a lot. If I didn't really care about her, I wouldn't have even thought much of it.

It was good to be out and meeting people again but I think I'll need to start finding other ways to meet new people besides bars and nightclubs.

I'm stuck at the stage where female acquaintances go off me all of a sudden. We might get along for a while, spanning 2-3 conversations usually, then the next time we speak the attitude is totally different. This isn't with everyone but it's fairly frequent. I've analyzed it to death; it could be anything from my ugly default frown expression, monotone voice, body language, something someone else has said in the interim, or simply not being witty or interesting enough and coming across a bit simple.

It's not like I can just ask each person 'why'. (Be great to be able to though... maybe I could hand them a 'Why you didn't like me' form to fill out; in payment I'd promise never to speak to them again )

Your situation isn't uncommon. I've experienced the same thing many times in the past few years. I think it has a lot less to do with you than you imagine. Females are just very hot and cold.