sickened by the abuse my current girlfriend has suffered in her past

[jamma]

Hi, My name is James, I am 27 years old. I have had a fair few girlfriends in my life but usually I get hurt as when the honeymoon period wears off they discover my many flaws and personality problems and then just leave. I have suffered depression for many years. I started taking drugs when I was 13, started with weed then moved on to speed, pills, lsd, dmt, mdma and coke. Recently I have found that mixing sleeping pills with alcohol is excellent for numbing my mental anguish. Anyway thats abit about my past but my real problem is this....
I've been seeing this girl for around 10 months now, she is a few months older than I am. We get on really well and I fell in love with her (not the way girls sometimes say 'love' for the hell of it, I mean real love...I'd happily give up my life for her) She has 3 children of the ages 11,9 and 5. One night we were talking and she confessed to me that she had been abused. When she was 15 she dated an older guy who controlled her and used physical violence against her. He wanted a child and forced her to go ahead with his sick plans to trap her. She became pregnant at age 15. He continued to abuse her both physically and mentally until finally she gained the courage to try break it off. He then got into her house one night and raped her. She fell pregnant again from this. She finally got away from him and went through numerous 'relationships' which were just scum using her for sex. Then she fell pregnant again after a one night stand. Some years later our paths were to cross and we had an instant connection, perhaps due to us both having troubled backgrounds. She tells me she has never loved anyone before but with me she thinks she does. So my problem is this.... after I learned of the abuse she suffered I had nightmares, I was phyiscally sick on one occasion from the thought of it. It has totally ruined my appetite. I had an argument with her because I was so upset about what I had heard, I kind of blamed her saying why did you allow this to happen to you, why did you not get the police involved. Now when I see her kids they are like reminders of what has happened to her. I love this girl and I think this time it might be true love but her past is haunting me. I believe that one day I won't be strong enough to battle my depression any more and I will give in to my thoughts of suicide. I think this experience has brought me closer to that. I am having thoughts of killing myself but I know if I do that then I could miss out on a life of love with her. This situation and these feelings i'm having are messed up! I'm so sick in the head right now. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

 

[IgnoredOne]

You need to fix yourself before you can judge anyone else.

 

[jamma]

You need to fix yourself before you can judge anyone else.

I've spent years trying to fix myself. I'm the kit that left the factory with parts missing

 

[Sci-Fi]

Yeah, you have some problems of your own to deal with too. Mixing sleeping pills with alcohol...jeez...

You can't even begin to handle her problems when you obviously have some of your own. Personally I don't know if the two of you in a relationship is a good thing with so many issues you have to work through. Not saying you can't be there for each other as friends, just mixing all this with a relationship seems like such a bad idea. What you are doing to yourself is not healthy at all. Does she know you do this? Do you realize how dangerous that is?

I think you need to find a drug/alcohol forum and abuse forum to take this to.

If you are in this suicidal state over what she told you, you may need to seek professional help to sort this all out.You need some help, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I mean that in a kind way, before you do something to hurt yourself and others around you.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I've spent years trying to fix myself. I'm the kit that left the factory with parts missing

You don't need to do this alone. There are groups that can help; find them and heal yourself first.

 

[Lonely in BC]

You're getting some great advice here jamma, going into a relationship that has you questioning the lady about the trauma of her past won't bode well for your future together. You mentioned three children as well- are you sure you're in the right frame of mind to deal with that kind of responsibility?

Deal with your issues first, then you'll be strong enough to give her the support she needs.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Uh why did you blame her for the abuse she suffered? She trusted you, opened up to you, and you THREW it back in her face.

You're such a good boyfriend.

 

[Anten]

The fact that you threw her past in her face means you need to deal with yours. If you truly love this girl you will help her work through the crap she went through after she opened up to you.

 

[septicemia]

Uh why did you blame her for the abuse she suffered? She trusted you, opened up to you, and you THREW it back in her face.

You're such a good boyfriend.

My thoughts exactly! I think you should probably leave this poor woman alone, shes been through enough in her life, she doesnt need yet ANOTHER man in her life treating her like crap.

This is the problem with being a woman with issues and trying to share and find comfort in a man. They cant handle it, and always end up using it against you. I dont know if its an ego thing, or if once men learn that a woman has low self esteem and has previously allowed men to treat her badly, they just cant help but to get in on treating her like crap too?

 

[SingleNow4ever]

I can understand how you feel. I was in a very toxic relationship that ended a little over 4 months ago. (By the way I am not calling your current relationship toxic at all, even with your explanation of whats going on I do not think it is my right to judge you at all.) My ex. didn't have nearly the past that you or gf had but she did have some problems and it make me feel very sad and sick as well.

When you truly care about someone special I've found that its very natural to empathize and feel there pain and hardships as well. I admit I got on my ex's case about her past and about decisions she made in our relationship because of her past. I didn't do it to be mean or cruel but because I wanted to protect her from making the same mistakes over and over again.

I ended up acting like a parent when I should of just calmed down and acted like the caring bf that she needed in the first place. Yes you may need some work on yourself but perhaps teaching yourself to be okay with your current relationship can help you too. Caring and thinking of other's and not yourself is a great first step to conquering depression.

Your first step by far needs to be to learn patience and responsibility. She's with you because your a great guy and have no qualities of her past abusive relationships. Prove to her that when the going gets tough and your angered or frustrated by her past that you can handle it. It may take days, weeks, or even months. But very soon once you've conquered this problem use it motivation to conquer your other problems and addictions.

I believe in you. Please also believe in yourself.
Good luck!

 

[nerdygirl]

You are (reasonably) focused on what you get out of this relationship. Please take a little time and think about what she gets out of this relationship. Think about what your role would be for these children if you stayed around.

If somebody just saw my kid as a reminder of my horrific past, I wouldn't want him in our lives. She's an awesome person who is not responsible for her father's acts.

If somebody asked me why I "allowed" somebody to assault me, I would kick his ass. I cannot imagine staying with somebody who would blame me for what somebody else did to me, and I think the fact that she did shows that she still has a lot of issues to work through.

You're already aware that you're not emotionally capable of dealing with this relationship. It's hurting you and your reaction to it is causing you to hurt her. I strongly advise leaving before either of you becomes more emotionally invested. I also think you need to get some therapy to deal with your personal issues.

 

[septicemia]

nerdygirl WELL SAID!!!

She's with you because your a great guy and have no qualities of her past abusive relationships.

Thats a pretty big **** assumption to make. He is throwing the abuse shes been a victim of in her face, basically putting the blame on her. I would say he is closer to the type of men she is used to having in her life, then to the opposite end of the spectrum. Abused women go for men who will continue the abuse. They dont just all of a sudden break the cycle. OP I am not saying you are abusing her, but I think you REALLY need to work on yourself, keep your self in check, because you are right on the edge.

 

[sunbeam]

sorry James, this relantionship will not work, she needs your help and support instead you give her a disgusted look, please just leave her alone, it'd be better for both of you

 

[Sci-Fi]

This is a dead topic seeing as the OP hasn't been back in a week to reply. Must have scared him off or hopefully he's seeking help through better channels.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

OP: Did you kick those drug habits? You say it's "the past", but potentially being a dopehead isn't going to make you much better in the long run than the guys who deliberately abused her.

Just a point others have made that I wanted to clarify. I don't think you can heal someone effectively when you are damaged yourself.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Interesting subject. And it hits right at home.
The process of recovery hasnt been easy.
Getting clean and sober isnt the easist thing in the world.
Its not impossible and can be done.
Ive been in recovery for too long.
I know better then to give advice
I have own experience, strength and hope...but thats all it is...my ESH.

She cant FIX me nor can I FIX her.

Im greatful for our love.
I cherish every moment we are together.
i savor the good times we share.

AS LONG AS THE TIES THAT HOLDS US TOGETHER ARE
STTONGER THEN THAT WOULD TEAR US APART ALL WILL
BE WELL.

I LOVE RENAE WITH ALL MY HEART.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Sounds like to me if you already love her, then you've accepted her as she is. You can't blame her for what she's gone through. We all come with baggage - some lighter than others. But baggage nonetheless. You can't judge her for her history and love her at the same time. If she hasn't stopped caring for you because of any history you have, then doing it to her would be unfair. Love is patient and kind, and by the sound of it, it seems this woman needs love.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I dont blame her.
But theres truamma, self inflicted wounds and many other behaviors that she dose to cope with pains thats not healty and would make most people
Run for the hills. I wish not to go into great details.
All i can say is...it might make certain people faint.
I wrote " LOVE" on her arms prior to the last incident...which was really really bad.

Im greatful shes still alive.
I charish every moment we have.
I will never regret loving her and letting her know i love her.
Shes the love of my life and the mother my child.

We love each other very much. We have a history.
Im part of her pains.
Im doing everything in reverse or the opposite of
What Alanon, my sponsor, counselors suggest i do.

Its my choice to be with her. I love her very much.

---

Sometimes it wears on me. Im barely recovering or
Getting some rest from the last incident...because
If your around it...it will effect you or truammatize
You.

Im loving like shes dying.

 

[VanillaCreme]

My post wasn't towards you, Rocket. It was to the OP, but considering it seems like they haven't been around, I guess it doesn't matter.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ive walked away from 2 relationships or 3 women this year. So its not as if i cant get other women or
Dont know how to get over people or im desperate
Nor hard up.

I love Renae and ive always had and always will.

---

I love Renae becuase i love Renae.
Not because shes a hot blonde with big boobs.
Renae just so happens to be a blonde with big boobs.

I can do without the truamma and dramma in
Our lives...the baggages. But it is what it is.
I can either deal with it or go be with other women.
Yes, i can do better. I deserve better and all that stuff

I Choose to be with Renae.
Wheather the OP GETS IT OR NOT.

ITS MY CHOICE. IM FREE TO CHOOSE AND LIVE
AS I WISH.
ITS MY CHOICE. ITS MY DECISION.
ITS NOT RENAE FAULT.
ITS MY CHOICE.