Social tips?

[DigitxGeno]

I need help with starting conversations, it is really hard for me to be social with someone. Whenever I hear people talking with each other, they talk about topics that i don't understand.

And then when I am in a conversation I find it really hard to upkeep it. I say things to a point and everything is said and done. Is that correct? As in am I doing the right thing in being social? Or is there really no right or wrong way at being social?

 

[Brian]

I wouldn't say there is a right or a wrong way to be social, but there are patterns that people tend to follow in communication whether they realize it or not.

Part of being able to hold a conversation, talk about things, and catch the interest of people around you is having 'social capital'. Social capital is basically a form of intangible money. Whereas we work a job to earn money (economic capital) to feed and house ourselves, social capital is garnered from experiences, significant events, interests etc. Being able to talk about something interesting you did, or about what happened on the bus the other day, draws attention to you during the course of a conversation. It gives people a way to relate to you, lets them learn about you in an indirect way (humans are weird and we love indirect communication), and makes them think about you...and this is how we insert ourselves and establish a presence. It paints a picture of us.

So my first advice, if you haven't already done so, is to find a way to build some social capital. Volunteer somewhere, or take up a new adventurous hobby...hiking, mountain biking, or heck...an aquarium is cool too. Go meteorite hunting...or, if you live in the right place for it, take up ice fishing. That always gets a good "Are you CRAZY?" reaction out of people. Read interesting books on ideas you haven't explored before. Learn about your ancestral roots; I've found it easy to captivate people by talking about subjects from the Norse sagas and ancient Norse culture; learned a lot about myself in the process. Become a little bit of a scholar and somewhat of a Renaissance Man, who can do and knows about a bit of everything.

Form some opinions on what's going on in the world. Solid, intelligent ones. Possess some information that others might not on what's happening around us. Get people to think.


That aside, conversations tend to follow a pattern. It sounds like you can initiate them well enough; typically we all start by probing each other to see if we want to talk to one another and move from there. Be sure you're asking open-ended questions that require people to say more than 'Yes' or 'No'. And ALWAYS have some signature stories or funny jokes/one liners ready, or an idea you can throw out at an appropriate time.

Also keep this in mind, as I am trying to: The BEST communicators that I have met speak slower than a lot of people do, and what they say is very deliberate. You can tell they know what they are saying, and that they are processing what you say before they respond to it. If you watch a lot of people, they don't function at this level. They are very reactionary and get very defensive if they become uneasy; the good communicator doesn't have to get defensive. These are things I'm trying to emulate myself...having more anxiety than most, I tend to start talking fast in conversations and I get pretty tense.

Hope that helped.

What kind of topics are they talking about that you don't understand?

Brian

 

[Mary Mary]

I need help with starting conversations, it is really hard for me to be social with someone. Whenever I hear people talking with each other, they talk about topics that i don't understand.

And then when I am in a conversation I find it really hard to upkeep it. I say things to a point and everything is said and done. Is that correct? As in am I doing the right thing in being social? Or is there really no right or wrong way at being social?

I used to be painfully shy and very socially awkward; however, I went to a New Year's Eve party where I only knew one person, talked all night, and had a great time. There are three things in my bag of tricks:

1. Ask a lot of questions about the other person. Sit down and write down as many questions as you can think of that you might ask someone you don't know; and commit as many as you can to memory. Some of my canned questions: Are you from [whatever state your in] originally? What type of work do you do? How do you know [a person that you know in common]? How long have you worked here? You get the point.

2. Use cues in their answers or in the environment to make comments and ask more questions. For example, if they say that they're from Florida, you can say how you've been to Orlando and why you were there. You can ask them if they like Florida or where ever you're at better. You can make a comment on what you think of the weather in Florida. Etc. If you see them wearing a sports T-shirt, ask them about that (is that their favorite team, do they play themselves?) If you've played the sport or have a favorite team, talk about that. etc

3. Talk about something that excites you. Just as nervousness is contagious, enthusiasm, confidence, and excitement is, too. Even if the person doesn't have a direct interest in what you're saying, they'll find you're enthusiastic mannerism appealing. It'll make the listener more relaxed and will make them think of things that excite them. At the party that I mentioned above, I told two ladies that I enjoyed backpacking and why I liked it so much. As I talked, one woman's eyes got really big; and she told us how she started hiking with another woman. She said that she wasn't sure how it would go since she and the other woman had so little in common. This tangent made the third woman in our group think of a discussion group where no one had anything in common, which made for very interesting conversations. This lead to yet another conversation, and off we went.

4. Only take this tactic **if you know you have similar views with the other person**--people will sometimes give clues in their conversation; but talk about something emotionally charged like religion, politics, or relationships. That'll really get the other person going; and you won't need to say anything.

5. Remember, you won't be able to have good conversations with everyone. Even the most gregarious person can't relate to everyone.

 

[jimmymckooel]

get people to talk about themselves, people just love talking about themselves, sit back listen and be interested. Nice and easy but requires patience.

 

[DigitxGeno]

Oh man this is a lot to take in. Well the guys at work talk about hunting and the different firearms they use, its hard to relate to them since I don't have an interest in firearms nor hunting. Normally when people talk I stay quiet and listen to everyone else, but when someone speaks to me directly I find them annoying and block out everything they say. I'm trying to change though, ive been at it for years. Okay scratch out trying, I haven't even made an effort yet. I realize its a problem though, whenever I make a friend I never keep in touch with them, so I never know their well being. I had a good friend who kicked the bucket and I didn't even realize until a month later, because I never paid attention to anyone.

 

[Mary Mary]

Oh man this is a lot to take in. Well the guys at work talk about hunting and the different firearms they use, its hard to relate to them since I don't have an interest in firearms nor hunting. Normally when people talk I stay quiet and listen to everyone else, but when someone speaks to me directly I find them annoying and block out everything they say. I'm trying to change though, ive been at it for years. Okay scratch out trying, I haven't even made an effort yet. I realize its a problem though, whenever I make a friend I never keep in touch with them, so I never know their well being. I had a good friend who kicked the bucket and I didn't even realize until a month later, because I never paid attention to anyone.

I tend to be the same way, and that raises a good point. To make true friends, it requires spending consistent time with them. It doesn't have to be all the time, but you do have to see them regularly.

with the guys at work, have you tried talking about something that you're interested in? they might actually have the same interests.