LGH1288
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Cathedral said:
C'mon! No excuse...start one! LG
Socialization: Nothing else matters.
- Thread starter Cathedral
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Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
C'mon! No excuse...start one! LG
Stephanie
Well-known member
Cathedral, I won't pretend to know what it's like to have Asperger's. I don't. But you are using it as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself. That isn't going to help you at all. In fact, it just puts people off who would otherwise like to get to know you.
No one expects you to be perfect, least of all the people here. In the short time I've been browsing this forum, I've already figured that out. It's okay to be honest about the fact that you have Asperger's and let people know that socialization isn't the easiest thing in the world for you and that at times, it's **** hard; but as long as you project discrimination, bitterness and self-pity, people are going to get weary of trying to cope with you. Sure, it's okay to feel bad and need to talk about it now and then, but there needs to be a balance. Balance is key: you can't have good without bad. You can't have happy without sad. You can't have light without dark. You get the idea.
You strike me as an intelligent, well-spoken person. I respect intelligence. I do not respect self-pity. Lose the self-pity and I'm willing to bet a whole lot of money I don't have that you will notice a change for the better. It won't happen overnight - after all, you didn't become this bitter overnight - but I would still put the money I don't have on overall change being for the better. Self-pity is for the weak. Be strong.
No one expects you to be perfect, least of all the people here. In the short time I've been browsing this forum, I've already figured that out. It's okay to be honest about the fact that you have Asperger's and let people know that socialization isn't the easiest thing in the world for you and that at times, it's **** hard; but as long as you project discrimination, bitterness and self-pity, people are going to get weary of trying to cope with you. Sure, it's okay to feel bad and need to talk about it now and then, but there needs to be a balance. Balance is key: you can't have good without bad. You can't have happy without sad. You can't have light without dark. You get the idea.
You strike me as an intelligent, well-spoken person. I respect intelligence. I do not respect self-pity. Lose the self-pity and I'm willing to bet a whole lot of money I don't have that you will notice a change for the better. It won't happen overnight - after all, you didn't become this bitter overnight - but I would still put the money I don't have on overall change being for the better. Self-pity is for the weak. Be strong.
Brian
Well-known member
LGH1288 said:C'mon! No excuse...start one! LG
Hmmm...have you thought of this, Cath? There HAVE to be other people in your same predicament in a bigger city like Jackson.
Our generation is devoid of quality leaders, and I'm sure that extends in to disability communities.
Humans are social creatures, we survived by knowing each other and sticking together and still do today for the most part. Most people don't do well without human contact; if that wasn't true, we wouldn't have this website. I've been in workplaces where you can't talk to other people; I worked for one month in a lumber mill and quit ASAP for another job. Without being able to talk to the people around me, there was no break to the monotony. And actually, time and time again it's shown that people are more productive at work if they are happy. Read about Google's main office complex some time, it's pretty neat.
Don't immediately dismiss intelligence as being completely unimportant in the workplace (you too, Socrates...). Even in my somewhat-backwater EMS outfit, people are held in high regard if they possess solid field skills and above-average clinical knowledge. Those who do not, and who will not admit it, are subsequently held in low regard. Of course, I will be honest, solid communication skills are also necessary, both to facilitate patient care and also to allow for the fact that we live and work with each other for 48 hours at a shot (or if you work in the city, sit in the confines of an ambulance for 12).
There's no dancing around the fact that having difficulties with communication put you at a disadvantage. I think perhaps though that the bitterness does not help. I don't know if my step brother is autistic, but he exhibits some of the symptoms; he does not use body language in a way conducive to communicating, his voice is very monotone in conversation, and he can't seem to pick up on all the little nuances of how people tend to communicate. Regardless, he doesn't let it get him down. He presently is living at home pursuing education to become an electrician and/or a lineman, but prior to that he had held a telemarketing job (this makes him the subject of many jokes) with Sprint until they laid off half their center.
And he's still likeable, which counts for a lot.
Brian
I came upon your post by chance while searching for the effect of socialization for a paper I am writing. When you talk about socialization here you are referring to human interaction, going out, and having fun with other people. In sociology socialization is defined as the programming of individuals in the norms and regulation of the community and society they live in. The key word here is program. Socialization is not an instinct, that is, it is not biologically determined. We are social beings, that is true but each and every one of us learns how to behave and interact with others; we are not born with set codes. An example of this could be found with the feral children.
Having Asparagus does put you at a disadvantage but when you say that you lack and can never have social skills are you sure you are stating a fact and not a belief?
People telling you to just go out there and interact, meet others and all will be well with you is sometimes very frustrating. They don’t understand how restrictive it is be a prisoner of your own thoughts and disability. I was anti-social and very miserable for more years than I care to remember. But when I realized that it was my own beliefs that kept me where I don’t want to be, things started changing for me. It is not easy and it takes time and patience, but it is doable.
Having Asparagus does put you at a disadvantage but when you say that you lack and can never have social skills are you sure you are stating a fact and not a belief?
People telling you to just go out there and interact, meet others and all will be well with you is sometimes very frustrating. They don’t understand how restrictive it is be a prisoner of your own thoughts and disability. I was anti-social and very miserable for more years than I care to remember. But when I realized that it was my own beliefs that kept me where I don’t want to be, things started changing for me. It is not easy and it takes time and patience, but it is doable.
TheSociallyLonely
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Catherdal,most true all that you said and I agree with all of it.Best thread I ever read.You sir,are very right.
Lonesome Crow
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That's totally retarded....while there's pop culture and people going out and socialzaing...not everybody put socailizing as their top priority. A young person that havn't seen much or experince much
still having that HS mentallity might still think like that....
but honeysuckle dudes....go outside. Take a simple walk around your nieghbourhood. Notice simple honeysuckle like cars parked on the driveway
on most homes everynight. WTF would that tell you???
Most people stay home and arnt out running around wanting to be
kings N queens, bar hoping or burning the town down.
Contray to certain people's beliefs...some people or adults have to go to work. Work makes you fucken tired. When you get home you wanna rest. If you have children you gatta raise them. if you have a woman...you gatta fresia her.lol After a couple rounds with her...you're like..."lights out babe, I going to fucken sleep."lol
I mean honeysuckle dudes...look at your parents ( I guess they're not part of the human race or people.lmao)..do they go out and socialized all the **** time????
still having that HS mentallity might still think like that....
but honeysuckle dudes....go outside. Take a simple walk around your nieghbourhood. Notice simple honeysuckle like cars parked on the driveway
on most homes everynight. WTF would that tell you???
Most people stay home and arnt out running around wanting to be
kings N queens, bar hoping or burning the town down.
Contray to certain people's beliefs...some people or adults have to go to work. Work makes you fucken tired. When you get home you wanna rest. If you have children you gatta raise them. if you have a woman...you gatta fresia her.lol After a couple rounds with her...you're like..."lights out babe, I going to fucken sleep."lol
I mean honeysuckle dudes...look at your parents ( I guess they're not part of the human race or people.lmao)..do they go out and socialized all the **** time????
IgnoredOne
Well-known member
Simple question: do you have a professional diagnosis, and if so, are you getting help?
Hi Cathedral, I'm not sure if you are still coming to the site as this is an old thread, but I hope you are. I have AS and have recently started going to a support group. The suggestion made on here that you start a support group as there isn't one by you is a good idea. I have found that meeting others with Aspergers helps me a lot. We talk about Aspergers and also about a wide range of other subects.
I hear what you're saying and I understand your frustration. I also see nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. If it's o.k. to feel sympathy and righteous anger about someone else's suffering, then it's not wrong in my opinion, to extend the same care to yourself. I think the assumption is that all you're doing is complaining and hating and not trying, which is just that, an assumption. Maybe that's true for some people and maybe it becomes true for others who can't try anymore. Everyone has their breaking point, that doesn't make them weak. Even if it did, some people are weaker than others. So what? We should protect them rather than pass judgement on them imho.
To the disadvantage of some of us, people primarily use visual cues, then tone, timing, context and finally content to judge their environment. I know a guy who was in a car accident and can't communicate. People assume there's something wrong with his intellect but there isn't. They give him a chance though because he's obviously physically handicapped and we've been taught that it's wrong to discriminate against the physically handicapped. I'm socially awkward and people always read my body language and facial expressions incorrectly but I have no physical handicap so people just keep walking. Me and that guy went to the same church and started at the same time and who do you think was more popular? No one talked to me ever and people swarmed around him. Someone may ask why I didn't talk to them. I can't. That is my disability but it's invisible and misunderstood. I have a.d.d. but people assume I'm just lazy, rude and careless. When I was a child, I couldn't advocate for my self. Instead of getting the help I needed, I was either ignored, scolded or beaten. I know everyone can improve on their situation and what they have to work with but I'm never going to be as charming as Bill Clinton or as organized as Martha Stewart or even average. I don't have the time, the resources or the capability. Anything is not possible. Time space and matter have to be reckoned.
There are obvious set backs to having less than perfect social skills. My boyfriend, who has good business communication skills and decent social skills in general was plotted against and fired from his job because this woman who was an expert social manipulator decided he was in her way. He is an excellent employee in every way, but as an introvert, that got him nowhere in the end. This particular place was structured so that there was a stronger emphasis on culture than on anything else and introverts are discriminated against in many cultures.
There is still discrimination in this world. For being socially inept, for being old, for having learning disabilities, disease, for being ugly etc... and socialization is more than just a pleasant side effect of sharing space, it's politics and changing our social environment is a political process. The only thing that has served to rectify what is essentially human nature, is awareness, education, and social reform. So expressing how you feel about this to others, is a good first step. As far as managing bitterness, the only thing that works for me sometimes, is to remind myself that they can't help that their not perfect either. So I try to extend the same courtesy to them that I wish they would show me. And don't give up if you're not understood the first time. It takes a lot to change a paradigm.
To the disadvantage of some of us, people primarily use visual cues, then tone, timing, context and finally content to judge their environment. I know a guy who was in a car accident and can't communicate. People assume there's something wrong with his intellect but there isn't. They give him a chance though because he's obviously physically handicapped and we've been taught that it's wrong to discriminate against the physically handicapped. I'm socially awkward and people always read my body language and facial expressions incorrectly but I have no physical handicap so people just keep walking. Me and that guy went to the same church and started at the same time and who do you think was more popular? No one talked to me ever and people swarmed around him. Someone may ask why I didn't talk to them. I can't. That is my disability but it's invisible and misunderstood. I have a.d.d. but people assume I'm just lazy, rude and careless. When I was a child, I couldn't advocate for my self. Instead of getting the help I needed, I was either ignored, scolded or beaten. I know everyone can improve on their situation and what they have to work with but I'm never going to be as charming as Bill Clinton or as organized as Martha Stewart or even average. I don't have the time, the resources or the capability. Anything is not possible. Time space and matter have to be reckoned.
There are obvious set backs to having less than perfect social skills. My boyfriend, who has good business communication skills and decent social skills in general was plotted against and fired from his job because this woman who was an expert social manipulator decided he was in her way. He is an excellent employee in every way, but as an introvert, that got him nowhere in the end. This particular place was structured so that there was a stronger emphasis on culture than on anything else and introverts are discriminated against in many cultures.
There is still discrimination in this world. For being socially inept, for being old, for having learning disabilities, disease, for being ugly etc... and socialization is more than just a pleasant side effect of sharing space, it's politics and changing our social environment is a political process. The only thing that has served to rectify what is essentially human nature, is awareness, education, and social reform. So expressing how you feel about this to others, is a good first step. As far as managing bitterness, the only thing that works for me sometimes, is to remind myself that they can't help that their not perfect either. So I try to extend the same courtesy to them that I wish they would show me. And don't give up if you're not understood the first time. It takes a lot to change a paradigm.
