Locke
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2013
- Messages
- 2,353
- Reaction score
- 2
An acquaintance recently told me that the girl at the shop down the street keeps asking about me. I found it kind of hard to believe - I hardly ever leave my house, and when I do I make it a point to avoid people.
But the other day I had to leave. Curiosity, or maybe a need for human contact...something made me go in to that shop. The girl was there, and within minutes she made it obvious that she was interested in me. I didn't know how to react, I don't know how to act around any people, so I left after a few minutes.
A couple days later I had to go to the bank. The place was packed, and with all of those people around, I felt an anxiety attack building up. I stood in the shortest line. The bank teller was pretty, with long red hair and green eyes. I had talked to her before, but not much. That day, as usual I was too preoccupied with trying to get out of there to pay much attention to what she looked like or what she said. I left the bank and looked through the paperwork she gave me. Her personal number with the words "call me" were written on a note. Trying to remember what she had said, I realise that she was trying to flirt with me.
What I don't understand is why? A few years back, before my life turned to honeysuckle, I wouldn't have been surprised. I was never a lady's man or whatever, but I usually had a girlfriend. But the person I was is gone. I'm not even a shadow of the man I once was. People who knew me before wouldn't even recognise me now.
So why is it that two beautiful women see something in me that I don't see in myself? I'm not charming, talkative or confident. Are they just desperate? Maybe they're both attracted to crazy people? Part of me hopes that its a sign that I"m getting better, but I honestly don't know.
I am tired of being alone. A lot of that is because I hate myself so much. But I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to see someone laugh at a lame joke I tell, or get a call from someone who justs wants to know how my day was. The problem is that I'm still crazy. I still have panic attacks, endless nightmares, and I still hate myself. Would it be fair to a girl if I got involved with her while I still have so much baggage? I don't think it would be. Or maybe I'm just afraid.
Sorry for the extra long post, I needed to talk about this.
But the other day I had to leave. Curiosity, or maybe a need for human contact...something made me go in to that shop. The girl was there, and within minutes she made it obvious that she was interested in me. I didn't know how to react, I don't know how to act around any people, so I left after a few minutes.
A couple days later I had to go to the bank. The place was packed, and with all of those people around, I felt an anxiety attack building up. I stood in the shortest line. The bank teller was pretty, with long red hair and green eyes. I had talked to her before, but not much. That day, as usual I was too preoccupied with trying to get out of there to pay much attention to what she looked like or what she said. I left the bank and looked through the paperwork she gave me. Her personal number with the words "call me" were written on a note. Trying to remember what she had said, I realise that she was trying to flirt with me.
What I don't understand is why? A few years back, before my life turned to honeysuckle, I wouldn't have been surprised. I was never a lady's man or whatever, but I usually had a girlfriend. But the person I was is gone. I'm not even a shadow of the man I once was. People who knew me before wouldn't even recognise me now.
So why is it that two beautiful women see something in me that I don't see in myself? I'm not charming, talkative or confident. Are they just desperate? Maybe they're both attracted to crazy people? Part of me hopes that its a sign that I"m getting better, but I honestly don't know.
I am tired of being alone. A lot of that is because I hate myself so much. But I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to see someone laugh at a lame joke I tell, or get a call from someone who justs wants to know how my day was. The problem is that I'm still crazy. I still have panic attacks, endless nightmares, and I still hate myself. Would it be fair to a girl if I got involved with her while I still have so much baggage? I don't think it would be. Or maybe I'm just afraid.
Sorry for the extra long post, I needed to talk about this.