suffering

[livingdeath]

I am desperately depressed and lonely. I go to bed each night praying I will not wake up. When I do awaken, it's to a living hell, a living nightmare and my daily goal is to survive, somehow, until I can go back to sleep.

This has been my daily life for years. I have seen psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, been medicated and hospitalized. Nothing works, nothing helps. It's because I am in love with a woman who dumped me. That was 3 1/2 years ago. Yet it feels like it just happened this morning. The pain is excruciating and unbearable and I want to die because nothing else relieves the pain. And this doesn't change from moment to moment, from day to day, year after year. I think the only reason I don't kill myself is cowardice.

I am unbearably lonely, but I cannot talk to women because I have no confidence and am highly anxious and know I will be rejected. Also, my depression and anxiety put people off no matter how hard I try to act normal and smile and be pleasant and friendly. But that is all acting and it doesn't fool people for very long. That's why that woman dumped me; she soon saw that I was not what I at first seemed to be, that really, once you get to know me, I am worthless garbage, unlikeable, repulsive. I have always hated myself and I want the pain to stop but I am too cowardly to kill myself.

I am hurting desperately and no one wants to hear it. My therapists, one after another, have gotten sick of hearing it. So I am posting my agony on this internet site because I have nowhere else to turn, and maybe there is someone else out there who knows how this feels, but I doubt it because I don't think anyone is as fckd up and hopeless as I am or hurting so much for so long. Other depressed people I've communicated with up ups and downs. Some days are better than others. But I don't have that. I am hurting to the max all the time and I don't think anyone else is that bad. Help me.

 

[Који Губи]

honeysuckle sucks, but I doubt the fact the if meds, therapy, and hospitalization hasn't helped you, we probably can't either.

 

[Twitchy]

I am hurting desperately and no one wants to hear it. My therapists, one after another, have gotten sick of hearing it. So I am posting my agony on this internet site because I have nowhere else to turn, and maybe there is someone else out there who knows how this feels, but I doubt it because I don't think anyone is as fckd up and hopeless as I am or hurting so much for so long. Other depressed people I've communicated with up ups and downs. Some days are better than others. But I don't have that. I am hurting to the max all the time and I don't think anyone else is that bad. Help me.

Help me. There's two words that too many people ignore.

I doubt I can say much that won't sound like something you've heard before. All I can say is that when things get their worst, it's usually the time to pick yourself up and try to be your best. And yes, that's also usually the hardest time to do it.

Things change, but they won't if your attitude stays the same. You'll have to start looking for things in life that make you feel good about yourself. What can you do? What are your best qualities?

I'm guessing you're not as repulsive or unlikable as you think you are. You're probably just at a shitty stage where everything seems pointless. It isn't.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

dude.. you are not alone.. for starters there are people here on this site that genuinely do give a honeysuckle.

you've probabaly heard this before from the 'professionals' youve seen, but you are not worthless, unlikeable or replulsive.. thats the good ol' negative thoughts taking charge.. you gotta challenge those suckers, slap them around, tell em to bugger off, dont let them take charge, little arrogant ******* negative thoughts thinking they know it all.. take em down bro, bring them to their knees, show em whos boss.. (this is what i liked about cognitive therapy.. 'challenging negative thoughts'.. dont let them run wild)

just from your post i can see you can express yourself eloquently in written form..youre one up right there

the fact that you have survived for over three years in this state tells me that you have incredible strength.. depression and anxiety is a war and you have already survived so many years worth of battles.

the fact that you experience depression and anxiety at all tells me that you have a soul. as i see it psychos that have no heart, no soul, no compassion and sense of humanness dont experience these emotions/states... they may have plenty of friends/girlfriends and robust social lives.. but they are empty and dead and souless.. i would never want to be one of these mutations walking the earth.. i have known some in my life and they are evil.. we are human to feel these dark emotions/states.. you are human.

you are definately not worthless.

homocidal maniacs, abusers, pedophiles, tyrants, narcissists, egomaniacs, manipulators and jerky sons of bitches with no sense of compassion are worthless..

you have a light inside you. you have strength inside you. you have goodness and kindness and love inside you.

keep walking.. small steps.. distract yourself from the negative thinking..

take care bro

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I've been there and done that.

It's not easiest thing in the world to live through. After all, a woman wants you to be her everything.
She wan't you to be her friend, her lover, her soul mate....etc
You open up yourself, you trust and you keep your end of the commitment.
Slowly you build your life around someone and the idea of loving someone forever through thick and
thin. After a decadec of living with someone it's a bit tough to LET GO. After all she wasn't a one night
stand. You love her and cherish her. Then when she rejects you and leave for dead..it's a little bit
mindblowing, gut wreching and heart shattering.

So you have a hard time beliving in morals or values of everything. You think to yourself, its all one big fucken lie.
For a while you can't saperate her from the rest of world..All the ugliness and lies of it all.
You get up turn on the news. You go outside and see the ruthlessness in people.
You alway thought that was why your love for her and her love for you was something specail.
The love that is a santuary from the madness of world...That's why you hold on it.
Then you find yourself being just another statistic. People saying "life is un-fair" cuts like knives even more.
So you think to yourself....what's the fucken piont to it all ?

So you think to yourself...I can get over her. It's not as if I 've never been stood up,
gone through a relationship break up or a diviorce before. So why is she so differnt, so speacail.
Why do you love someone so..so..so much ?
Why can't you even stop loving her inspite of everything?
Life is not without pains but SUFFERNING IS OPTIONAL...So you ask yourself...why are you sufferning?
Sufferning is reliving the same pains over and fucken over again.
You know it to a certain degree. So you ask yourself....Why in the fresia can't i get the ***** out of my mind?

Then something simply hitted you like the first couple of months, right after the break up...
Your head turns everything fucken time you see a semilar car that she drove.
Holy fresia...do you know how many fucken blondes drive a silver car ????

So you kind of get it in a wierd sence...you only notice what you want to notice or see what you want to see.
Just like when you think about getting a new Mustang...you'll notice hundreds of mustangs on the road.

Bascailly...you'll only notice hurt, hate, pain and heartache if that's all you think about.


So you get honest with yourself...it hurts becuase you felt something inside of you was dying.
LOVE.....was dying.

Then you hear people saying " Stop playin the fucken victim"...Eerrrr it hurts like fresia.
But you also know deep inside of you...there's a grain of truth to what people say even if you
don't like to hear it sometimes...
In some cases it's like a fucken pound of truth..lol
The truth will set you free.....

Then you ask yourself.. Err..if I allowed myself to fucken suffered...surely I can allow myself to be happy ?

As you get clearer...you start loving yourself, again.
You start cherishing yourself.
LOVE never dies.
As long as you live LOVE never dies.

Learning to Love yourself again is like breaking a very bad habit.
LOVING YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST again is not easy. You feel guilty and ashame becuase you
simply had gotten into a habit of loving her first instead of you.
(which is what all women wants from a guy, A godess of love...)

So you actaully allow yourself to go out and purchase a new pair of expensive shoe for yourself.
You find yourself debating with yourself for a couple of days whether to return the shoes becuase
doing something first for yourself felt very, very guilty.

But you keep the new shoes...It's symbalic as will.
Doing something for yourself first and walking in a new pair of shoes.(Changes...making changes)
You deserve better...you deserve a new pair of shoes. You deserve a better life.
You walk a different life in a new pair of shoes.

Heck...you'll even feel guilty for stairing at other women's tits and ass for a while...
It's just fucken odd...that a guy would have to force himself to look at tits and ass..lmao
So you catch yourself..feeling guilty about simple things as such.
You relize that you weren't too well or in the right state of mind.
You stopped beating up on yourself....You stair at more tits and ass to get well.

You just start reaching out to other people again..
TRUST...learning how to trust again.

You open yourself up again. ( when you open up to her..it was difficult then)
Yes...there's other women that will love you.

You actaully allow yourself to fall madly in love with another woman again..
You actaully hear other women tell'in you to fall in with them....

Alot of it for me...was TRUST.

It's different for everyone.

Not a single person will have all answers for you...

I read what Nastay( Ocean ) wrote a not so long ago. It help me healed a little bit more.
Maybe I saw the answers in it becuase I wanted to see the answers or move forward.
She wrote that she relized oneday after a while....her ex didn't have any more specail qualities as other guys.

Well...that made sence to me...I was thinking Ok...my ex's titays and ass wern't that specail...
So i went out for the day to look at differnt titays and ass..

Then you touch other titays and ass...
Yeah...Nastay was right...lol


Maybe you will find answers as you move forward through it all.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

So I had a fucken doozer. After my ex-and I broke up for the 20th freaken time.
Then Jenni died. My other GF.

It's been over a year since Jenni died.
Nothing I can say or do to bring her back.
No rights, no wrongs...it's just messed up all the way around.
I grieved over her. I love her very much...

But this is what i've noticing...I've become so accustom to crying over her
and not moving on with myself. It's like a very un healthy habit or a rut I got
myself into....

I'm treating myself (at this moment in life) as breaking a habit. A sort of addiction.
I already played it over and over in my head already....all the guilt, shame.
what if this..or what if that. She's not fucken coming back. she's dead.
It's too cut and dry sometimes. It rips every piece of me apart and it hurts like son of a *****.

I have to move on whether I like it or not. Whether I think life is fair or not.
If not...then i might as will just jump into her grave with her.

Which something I'm not capiable of doing today. There's still life infront of me.

 

[heretostay]

therapists have never helped me either. I dont rely on them much. i dont think they really know anything.

if you are so depressed what do you do for work? what do you do all day?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

My depression is in my head.

Rather then tried to get rid of it or numb it out through meds...I accepted it.
For some odd reason after I dived into the core of my depression..my mind got sick and tired of it.
Kind of like an old worn out comfort blanket that I out grew or a vedio game that dosn't have a good
replay value...


Just knowing that depression is mostly in my head. I pretty much won half of the battle.
No matter how much it seems real or feels real to me. That's not reality.
The rest is just observing myself going into old habits or thinking patterns to set myself up
for depression.

My thoughts drives my emotions.
It's not that complicate...It's as simple as when I see a funni vedio..I'll laugh.
Or when I see a horror flick...I'll get scared.
My brain or mind is also like a movie projector.
So when I suffer..I'm bascailly playing images of pains or sad movies over and over again.
Bascailly what's in my head are delusions...nothing is real in my head.
In other words my depression is an illusion I created. It's not real.

Bascailly that way I precieve it today....there's a depression DVD in my mind memories.
I simply chose not to install the depression flick into my brain (projector) thinking process.
It's on the shelf for today...I accepted my depression and stopped fighting it.

Meditations helps or sitting still help. To be in the moment not in my head.
I can simply sit in a garden and obsevre the beuatiful flowers or smell the rose...experince
beauty of life in the moment and not what's in my head. I simply call this "chilling out"
In other words...I've LET GO and practice letting go.
For a while I might go through withdraws of being depressed. For me it's simply breaking a bad habit.

Gradually I practice being in a peaceful/meditated state or being in the moment by taking a simple
walk (actions). Gradually I build on that...Being in a peacful state and taking positive actions or
actions that will make my living condition better.

Some people term this state of being as being spiritaul.
Other people term it as being a state of higher consiousness.
Or some people would say...control your mind or it'll control you.
Some poeple call it de programing or uncondtioning...

As a child or babies being borned into this world..Our mind were pured..It knew no hate, right, wrong or bad.
A baby never questioned itself for being a baby. A baby never got depressed for shiting in it's diapers.
That's why children are pure and innocent. They don't over think honeysuckle all the time.

 

[livingdeath]

therapists have never helped me either. I dont rely on them much. i dont think they really know anything.

if you are so depressed what do you do for work? what do you do all day?

I agree about therapists not knowing much. As far as work, I am on Disability for mental illness. What do I do all day? Read, play my guitar, waste time on the internet. It all feels like I am just killing time waiting to die. Thank you for asking.

 

[lonelier-than-thou]

I am too tired to read everything but if I would live near you Id help you, but I probably don't.

 

[heretostay]

I agree about therapists not knowing much. As far as work, I am on Disability for mental illness. What do I do all day? Read, play my guitar, waste time on the internet. It all feels like I am just killing time waiting to die. Thank you for asking.

im completely with you on the waiting to die. that is exactly how i feel. everything i do feels stupid, pointless, trivial, and extremely not worth it. Everything I do is mind numbingly mundane!!! I would always hear- find something you love to do! gag me. there's nothing i love to do. Freud once said that depressed people understand the world better then anyone, he just didnt understand why it would make one depressed.

but i had an epiphany a few years ago. although its true that everything i do is pointless, and life feels arbitrarily mundane, there is one point to what i do, and that is trying not to be miserable while im here. im choosing to be here. no one is making me stay and i can go whenever i want. but i choose to stay, i choose to stay in the mundane, the miserable, the monotony of it all. and the point is, if im not going to die, then how do i want to live?

 

[Haven]

You should find a way to make yourself feel. Feel things other then depression. I won't pretend to understand what causes you to feel the way you do because only you know exacly how unhappy you are and people around you can only imagen. I distract myself from depression I dont have many friends in reality but me talking and spending with people I feel confort around helps distracts me. It might do the same for you.

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs living death*

i'm so sorry to hear that you feel so bad

life sucks and it's nothing personal

we all feel the same heartache
I wish i knew how to solve your problems but if it's any consolation

you're not alone in being alone