That One Memory

[Sci-Fi]

You know the one, that (probably for most of us) solidified our social anxiety/shyness/relationship anxiety/loneliness/etc. Or maybe it changed you in a positive way. Either way it is one that made you or kept you the way you are for years, affected you in such a way that you still relive it like it was yesterday.

For me it was something that happened back in grade school. I've talked about this story before. We were having one of those forced upon school dances, one that was conducted during school hours so you had no choice. They were supposed to help build social skills and help us grow as young people.

In grade 8 I had this HUGE crush on a girl, Stephanie, she was popular, but she wasn't what you'd consider the "hottest" girl in our grade. She wasn't super skinny but she wasn't overweight either, pleasantly plump. I don't know what it was about her but I just liked her. Not like she ever talked to me or gave me the time of day. I was short, skinny, and horribly nonathletic.

Of course being 13 years old no one was dancing, the awkwardness filled the air. Teachers were trying to force us to mingle, and I was hanging out with my friends. One of the teachers was trying to get us guys to tell him who we wanted to dance with. None of us wanted to admit to it so we sold each other out, nice eh? One friend of mine got lucky and the girl we revealed he liked danced with him and so did a few others. I got sold out and the teacher asked Stephanie. She had this horrified look on her face, like it would kill her reputation if she danced with me. She refused, all in my ear shot and line of sight. The only saving grace was the apologetic look I got from one of her friends, and my friends saying some not so nice things about her.

After that I never asked a girl to dance or asked one out. Thankfully they asked me, but it made me so afraid of ever being humiliated like that again. Being as shy as I was to begin with it further pushed me into my shell forever afraid of coming out of it.

Years later, while shopping in the local Winners with my brother we ran into Stephanie who was working there. She remembered us even though we hadn't seen each other since elementary school. She was kind and chatted with us a bit, and **** she was a knockout! Guess I saw the swan before she blossomed, and some lucky guy married her. I realized it then that I still hold onto that humiliating moment, I don't like going into Winners.

So what's your one memory?

 

[Lost Drifter]

Are we limited to just one? I have a few to share:

• Coming back home after over a decade abroad, the airport is packed with people all waiting for their loved ones to disembark the plane like something out of the movies. The man next to me runs to his wife and kids, the woman in front is approached by a man who holds her tight, friends call and shout to each other and I realise that no one is there for me, not a single person. So much for a welcome home.
  
• A few months later attending my first family Christmas dinner again in over a decade and not a single relative had got me a card, present or even spoke to me other than a faint “hello” when I walked into the room. To rub salt into the wound my mother made no secret of telling my sister’s husband that he was the son she had always wanted and the ******* joked, in front of everyone, that no one needed me. None disagreed.
  
• When volunteering at a retirement home I made friends with an awesome gentleman who like me was completely alone. When he passed away I was the only person who attended his funeral and seeing that, along with the home staff throw out all his things when they cleared his room, really hit me hard. Before he died he told me that I must never end up like him but I fear that I already have.
  
• Had a bike accident that put me in hospital for two weeks and no one came to visit, I even had to call a taxi to take me home and struggled to recover with no one to help out with chores, cooking or helping me change clothes, go to the bathroom etc. it was such a kick in what little confidence I had built up but I guess made me stronger.
  
• I haven’t celebrated my birthday since 1987 (when I was 8) since no one ever turned up for my parties. I’d rather not have another one so as to save myself going through that humiliation again. I never get invited to functions at work and dread festive things like Secret Santa because whoever draws me never gets me anything. This year I’m even going to buy my own gift for myself so I’m not humiliated again.
  
• Finally the huge problems of declaring a next of kin for my work pension. For a long time the human resources department refused to accept "local children’s charity" on my forms and insisted that I had to choose someone even though I had no one but I think they’ve accepted my decision and given up bugging me!
  
  

 

[kamya]

I wouldn't say I have one specific memory. I just kind of "turned off" when I started high school. In middle school I was as social as anyone and then when I started high school I "turned off".

I have one memory where I was visiting my uncle and I was playing with my cousins. One close to my age, and two much younger. Anyways the older cousin left to go do her own thing and later one of the younger cousins says, "she doesn't want to play with us because you're fat." I just kind of brushed it off but I remember thinking, "ouch, wtf?"

I do have a collection many specific memories of social encounters that were just awkward that I look back on and think, "fresia that was weird."

 

[Ak5]

Nope, no such memories at all.

 

[Tiina63]

[*]Had a bike accident that put me in hospital for two weeks and no one came to visit, I even had to call a taxi to take me home and struggled to recover with no one to help out with chores, cooking or helping me change clothes, go to the bathroom etc. it was such a kick in what little confidence I had built up but I guess made me stronger.

I can identify with this for two reasons. 1) When my mum died in hospital in 2,000, I had to call a taxi to take me home, as there was noone I could call to come for me. 2) I had a mastectomy years ago, but can't have reconstructive surgery, as I have noone to help me out afterwards. Re. the second, if I am ever in a relationship, I will book myself in for the surgery.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Oh wow, Lost Drifter, that one about the guy in the retirement home After reading all that I read your username different now, it's just not a "username" it's who you are, how you feel, your identity. Seriously, some of what you shared made my eyes well up.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I can identify with this for two reasons. 1) When my mum died in hospital in 2,000, I had to call a taxi to take me home, as there was noone I could call to come for me. 2) I had a mastectomy years ago, but can't have reconstructive surgery, as I have noone to help me out afterwards. Re. the second, if I am ever in a relationship, I will book myself in for the surgery.

I can sympathise, having no one to depend upon can be such a crushing blow to the heart and most hospitals won’t offer advanced treatment to anyone who is alone due to there being no one to help with the aftercare. Its like another form of punishment for being lonely.

Oh wow, Lost Drifter, that one about the guy in the retirement home After reading all that I read your username different now, it's just not a "username" it's who you are, how you feel, your identity. Seriously, some of what you shared made my eyes well up.

Apologies for brining the tone down my friend, as much as I could fill up a book that wasn’t my intention but you’re right about my username being my identity, I’m so lost that I don’t know who I am or where I’m supposed to be anymore. I feel more like a ghost drifting around than a living person with roots and foundations.

 

[Sci-Fi]

No need to apologize, when I started this thread I knew there would be some sad stories. They have shaped us into who were are. There are going to be others who have had similar experiences and will see they are not alone out there. Others have gone through the same thing. I'd like to smack your mother though and punch your brother in law.

I really hope you do find someone to help root you and starting building your own foundations.

 

[Fitz]

I have a similar memory with that retirement home story, Lost Drifter. I worked in England for a while, doing manual labour. I became friendly enough with the forklift driver on site. He was Irish like myself, and a really good guy. He's an old guy, late 60's. He was really nice to me, I went for a few pints with him every so often. I was really lonely the time I was over there, I lived with these guys, didn't like 'em at all. Real mental cases when they had drink in them. Heavy gamblers, typical Irish alco's. I was scared shitless of them.

Anyway, This old fella, Noel, he was terribly lonely, I could tell. He lived alone, worked on building sites all his life. Left Ireland when he was around my age, 20, never came back. Always used to ask me "Met a girl yet?", the answer always being the same, he'd say "ah you gotta get a girlfriend, you'll go mad otherwise." Genuinely one of the nicest people I've ever met. He said one time, he wished someone had brought him back to Ireland before it was too late. He looked really sad when he said it, it broke my heart. He has a son, but he didn't talk about him at all, guess they never talked. He was the only person on that site I cared about. Always giving me the thumbs up in the forklift as he drove around. Always put a smile on my face whenever he did that, no matter how shitty I felt. When I left, I didn't say what I wanted to say to him, thank him or something, anything, show gratitude for being so good to me. I really regret it.

 

[Kat]

When I was approximately 11 or 12 years old, my father turned me against my mother and I remember the first time he did it. Both of my parents were and are emotionally unstable and I have memories of screaming matches, objects being thrown and literally praying to god please will my parents leave each other. Anyway my dad turned me into his confidant and shared details with me about his failing marriage, insults and negative comments about my mother etc which were none of my business. Some research I have done indicates this was equivalent to some kind of emotional incest. I willingly accepted the role. The first incident occured when my father took my brother and I to the circus and my mother refused to go. I don't remember the exact details of what my father told me while I was supposed to be enoying the circus. Instead he gave me his anger and ranted to me the entire time. The circus ended, we went home and I immediately made an angry comment to my mother. That set her off. I hid in my room but something happened, my dad's face was bleeding and I watched him get into a policecar and the car drove away. From this moment forward, my chilhood was never the same.

 

[mintymint]

emotional incest

I've done a bit of reading on this topic. It's unfortunate when it happens.

 

[kamya]

You guys have some very sad moments.

 

[Dark One]

alls whole life brokne forever. done an gone. all too late. too hurt. lives never be right so time to give up.

 

[Azwer]

For me, it was around 5 years ago when I lost my girlfriend and my friends in a day. It was the first time I tried alcohol, and most of my classmates, my best friend and my girlfriend were having a party because we were all about to go to different schools. I saw my girlfriend making out with my best friend, and then a few hours later I got beaten up by some guy that was a few years younger than me. Ever since then others considered it bad for their reputation to hang out with me, since I was physically weak.

 

[Jilted John]

It was 23 years ago.To cut a long story short,my wife had just left me (and the kids),after 20 years of marriage.She was staying with a friend,and I arranged to meet her to see if we could patch things up,because I was still very much in love with her (we met when I was 16).
It was then that she told me that she had been having an affair with a work colleague,which was a total shock to me because I would have trusted her with my life.I had known the guy for some years,and he was 12 years younger than my wife who was 40 but very attractive,so I put it down as a "fling" with a young guy,and I would have forgiven her.When I asked her how long it had been going on for,she hit me with the bomb shell,three and a half years!I felt something deep inside break,and knew it was over for good.
It was the classic case of being the last one to know,and I felt ridiculed,embarrassed,angry,and heartbroken all at the same time.Okay,it was a long time ago,but those feelings still lie deep inside me to the point that I never remarried.
So yes,I would say that experience was pretty life changing.

 

[Nolife Princess]

I am sorry that you had to go through so many hurtful things in your life.
*Here is a hug for you*

Are we limited to just one? I have a few to share:

• Coming back home after over a decade abroad, the airport is packed with people all waiting for their loved ones to disembark the plane like something out of the movies. The man next to me runs to his wife and kids, the woman in front is approached by a man who holds her tight, friends call and shout to each other and I realise that no one is there for me, not a single person. So much for a welcome home.
  
• A few months later attending my first family Christmas dinner again in over a decade and not a single relative had got me a card, present or even spoke to me other than a faint “hello” when I walked into the room. To rub salt into the wound my mother made no secret of telling my sister’s husband that he was the son she had always wanted and the ******* joked, in front of everyone, that no one needed me. None disagreed.
  
• When volunteering at a retirement home I made friends with an awesome gentleman who like me was completely alone. When he passed away I was the only person who attended his funeral and seeing that, along with the home staff throw out all his things when they cleared his room, really hit me hard. Before he died he told me that I must never end up like him but I fear that I already have.
  
• Had a bike accident that put me in hospital for two weeks and no one came to visit, I even had to call a taxi to take me home and struggled to recover with no one to help out with chores, cooking or helping me change clothes, go to the bathroom etc. it was such a kick in what little confidence I had built up but I guess made me stronger.
  
• I haven’t celebrated my birthday since 1987 (when I was 8) since no one ever turned up for my parties. I’d rather not have another one so as to save myself going through that humiliation again. I never get invited to functions at work and dread festive things like Secret Santa because whoever draws me never gets me anything. This year I’m even going to buy my own gift for myself so I’m not humiliated again.
  
• Finally the huge problems of declaring a next of kin for my work pension. For a long time the human resources department refused to accept "local children’s charity" on my forms and insisted that I had to choose someone even though I had no one but I think they’ve accepted my decision and given up bugging me!
  
  

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hey Drifter, I'm so sorry to hear about that stuff, the one with your family treating you like that in particular was really sad.

You seem like a really pleasant person. I hope you realise that it's their problem for not having the same level of human decency that you do, not yours.

I've had a few memories that have cemented my status as low self-esteem and generally miserable! Most date from secondary school, which was one of the crappest phases of my life.

There was a lot of bullying from guys, but it was the bullying from girls that really sticks with me. It always seemed so underhand and nasty, because as a guy you can't really bully girls back. I could hit male aggressors, but not the girls, so I just had to take it all the time.

Secondary school ones (ages 13-17):

- I was once just minding my own business when I was about 15 when a group of girls I vaguely knew decided to come over to me. I just said "Hi", when one decided to start telling me how much she wanted to sleep with me.

I said "I'm sorry, what?" and they all started laughing outrageously at me. Not with me, most definitely at me. Then they left me alone.

- I went to use an outside toilet once, and spotted a guy and a bunch of girls outside. Anyway, I went in and the guy ran in behind me and locked the door. He then proceeded to stand there and shout out loudly as if we were having sex or something. This went on for about thirty seconds, with the girls outside laughing their heads off.

I just felt so shocked and upset that I was humiliated like that, I couldn't even find anger at the time because I was so surprised. So I just waited until he was done making the dumb noises and the girls unlocked the door. Came pretty close to crying after that.

- All the usual name calling and so on made me feel distant from others, definitely. In particular, I remember one girl loudly asking another in front of me "Would you go out with TSM?" "Ha! No!" followed by "Would you have sex with him?" and "EwwwwwwWWW! NOOO!"

- This girl once started groping at me, just in a really sort of nasty way designed to humiliate me though. I had no idea how to stop her without hitting her, which I considered immoral. So I just sort of stood there getting really upset in my head. Eventually a nice girl came over and told her to stop it, which I'm still grateful for to this day.

So that was the sort of bullying I had that really ruined my confidence, especially at getting close to girls. I feel like every time I talk to a girl, even if I really know her, that she's just going to laugh at me or say something really horrible.

When I was older, I then messed up really badly twice with girls I liked. The first time was with a really amazing girl, the likes of which I will be lucky to meet again. My drunk "friend" screwed up my chances of asking her out by just being really obnoxious at the time (and even taking a swing at me!)

Then this other time this pretty girl I liked asked if I'd like to dance. My confidence was very low at the time and I just kind of panicked and said "Oh...err...I'm not really sure what to do." Then I just stood there and felt more embarrassed than I ever had, until she eventually walked off

 

[kamya]

Those are some bad experiences TSM. Though, it seems like you didn't have much confidence to begin with. You can't just let those things happen to you and not do anything about it ><. Your standard response is to just sit there and endure it until it goes away. It will just keep getting worse mhmm. Those are some pretty bad memories though.

I'm thinking that might be why my memories aren't as bad as some others ><. I don't let things like that happen to me, and I havn't had much loss yet because I'm still young. I was never really abused by family either. Maybe I'm just lucky.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Those are some bad experiences TSM. Though, it seems like you didn't have much confidence to begin with. You can't just let those things happen to you and not do anything about it ><. Your standard response is to just sit there and endure it until it goes away. It will just keep getting worse mhmm. Those are some pretty bad memories though.

I'm thinking that might be why my memories aren't as bad as some others ><. I don't let things like that happen to me, and I havn't had much loss yet because I'm still young. I was never really abused by family either. Maybe I'm just lucky.

Oh, I did plenty about other types of harassment I encountered, especially when it got to the point that reporting it just made it worse. The idiots I told in "authority" about it just told the ones picking on me what I'd said!

In the end I got into a lot of physical confrontations, which fortunately I never lost.

And I think now that I'm older and I realise how wrong it was for people to treat me like that, I'd be a lot more proactive about stopping it earlier. If any guy tried to pull the "toilet joke" on me again, he'd be picking up his teeth!

Even now though, I'm not sure how I'd handle a girl picking on me. There's just not much you can do. Insult them back I suppose? Fortunately, people seem to have grown up since then and so I'm not exposed to that sort of stuff.

It wasn't isolated though. It was kind of like everyone was out to make my life hellish with a few exceptions. I don't even know why to this day - I was just a generally nice person. It's very hard to combat something that you don't understand or see meaning to, especially when social rules dictate that it is wrong to do so.

I'm just grateful that my family have always loved me, because without them I don't think I would have got through stuff like that. The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to wonder if that period of my life really did ruin part of me

Ah well, that's enough sob story time from me!

 

[WishingWell]

Good Thread Sci-Fi! I have so many memories--bad and good that are flooding my mind right now. I have to stop thinking about this, and when something just comes to me out of the blue, I will post it.