The answer is always change.

[Darkest Seraphim]

I'm here to do the selfish thing, and talk about myself for a while. Its around this time of the year i get this way. I feel the need to express myself, and i cant come out and tell anyone in words. I have to write it down or type it up and email someone. Its just too hard to say.

I've been struggling with my loneliness for 20 years. Trying to find a solution to my problems. Whenever i come across the solution i can never accept it. so i Keep on looking and searching for what could possibly be wrong with me that i have been afflicted with this horrible loneliness. The answer has always been change. To Change my habits.. to change my behavior .. to change myself for the "better". To be a social proactive confident responsible independant person. To be basically everyhting im not.

I am conflicted with this because. I dont think im such a bad person.. id ont think i have bad qualities. but I feel that those qualities will go away if i change who i am. People have told me that The Me that i am now wil remain if i change my social habits. but I really cannot see how that is true. Simply because ppl thgat do well socially are generally people that i dont see as being very good at all. Most qualities about sociall acceptable ppl I sees being characterisitics of an evil person. There are reasons i dont associate with those people, and they arent always that im super shy, mild mannered, or just not confident enough to approach them.

So, I try talkign to someone new everyday, being more proactive, putting myself out there. What is the point if you are constantly ashamed and wanna hide yourself again? I'm afaid to show myself to people... because i konw when they find out who i really am inside they will reject me. Maybe not outright , but there are many different kinds of rejection. What do Wierdos with actual principals do in a situation like this... All i can do is blame societies neglect of its fellow man, but what use is that either? Its all so confusing. And while im confused my life ticks away.

 

[Guest]

People don't & can't change. By hiding who you are, you end up with aquaintances and nothing more... at first it may be satisfying but then you just end up even more lonely... I know because I do the same thing, and all that's ever left me is a void in life and the thought that i'm wasting my years. The only advice I can give you what you already know: stop pretending... Not easy after years of living a lie. Especially because after all this time of isolation, you don't have much to talk about, not too many experiences that you can share... I'm in the same boat... I can probably give you a detailed description of my life in a sentance or two.

On the other hand, I could be wrong and you're nothing like what i described... either way I hope this place gives you what you need to own up to yourself and do what you need to.

Best of luck

 

[jales]

sometime the answer is stubborness coupled with lots of patience (sometimes)

 

[IgnoredOne]

Change is inevitable. We change every single day, every single moment of our lives. My hope is to try to steer the change in a way that'll bring me closer to my dreams.

Regards,
IO

 

[Kristen]

People don't & can't change.

...stop right there. Ppl can change cause humans are the only "animals"(this is how someone said it, i personally dont think we'ra animals)that adapt to anything. Ppl change cause every major experience does alter persons perception of himself and the world in one way or another even if it takes years. well, I not only changed ...transformed lol )))

 

[blak000]

People don't & can't change.

I think people change... we all change; it's a natural part of growing older and wiser. Our point of view changes, our understanding of life changes, and even the way we handle our lives changes. I can personally say that I've gone through dramatic change over the years. When I was in my teens, I was such an angry and reckless individual that a friend of mine told me he didn't think I'd live to see 21 (he thought I'd be shot). From 21 to 24, I was an arrogant ******* who hated people, and thought everyone who was friendly was really just being fake. I used to fight constantly with my family, and insult my friends regularly. From the age of 24 up to now, I've grown into someone who gives people the benefit of the doubt, and tries to work with those around me.

People can change, but there has to be a desire or will to do so. It's not easy or fast, but I feel it's very possible. Benjamin Franklin was often described as callous and rude during his youth. With effort, though, he grew to become one of the most sociable and diplomatic leaders in American history. If you look, you can find thousands of similar stories.

Darkest Seraphim, I agree with your friends/acquaintances: learning social skills won't compromise your personality in any way. Social skills merely teach you how to present yourself in a good way, and how to be nice and courteous to others. You don't have to change any of your moral values or beliefs in order to use it. The "sociable people" you mention that weren't good... they're not that way because of their social skills; they're simply manipulative and deceitful people. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like that around, but there are also nice people out there who are perfectly honest and straightforward. Social skills, when used correctly, merely enhance your positive qualities. I've been trying to improve my own social skills for these past few months. I've bought a few books on the subject, and nothing I've ever read gave me the impression that I had to pretend to be someone else in order to use them.

Before you go about trying to get along better with people, though, I think it's important that you learn to love yourself. It's great that you're taking a proactive approach to fixing your life, but please don't think you're a strange guy that nobody will want to be around. If you're a kind and considerate person, then people have every reason to want to be your friend. It might be hard to believe, but people actually like weirdos. Their quirks make them interesting characters to be around. I try to use social skills all the time, but every joke and comment I make is completely me. I've been told by several people that I have a very strange sense of humor, and they've all meant it as a compliment (or at least I hope so ). The fact that they continue to hang out with me and pick up my calls proves that it's true. Don't sell yourself short because you don't fit in with the rest of the crowd. You might actually find that you're exactly what people were looking for.

I highly recommend that you try learning good social skills, though. As special and great as you might be, it's tough to show if you're a bit rough around the edges when talking to people.

 

[Guest]

Adaptation is not a change... maturity with age isn't either... You will always have the same personality, same view of the world and how it works, same beliefs, same dessires. With age comes maturity, you develop/ expand on your personal principles and you live by them. Still the same principles though, you just adjust your actions more toward them.

You adapt because that will ultimately get you to what you need... you prioritize your needs because with age you learn how the world works and the things you need to do to achieve these needs. That doesn't mean you've changed, there were obstacles forced onto you and given the scenario without these "roadblocks" you would do things differently, you would take the route that would satisfy the most of you needs for the least amount of effort.

As for this thread... the answer is NOT change... it's don't waste your time trying to change but work with what you got to get what you need. After all it'n not how hard you work but how smart you work.

 

[Kristen]

Adaptation is not a change... maturity with age isn't either... You will always have the same personality, same view of the world and how it works, same beliefs, same dessires.

disagree 100%


i dont know bout u, but i defenatly dont desire same things i did at 18.

 

[Hijacc]

Adaptation is not a change... maturity with age isn't either... You will always have the same personality, same view of the world and how it works, same beliefs, same dessires.

disagree 100%


i dont know bout u, but i defenatly dont desire same things i did at 18.

Im with you i disagree people can change.

 

[blak000]

Adaptation is not a change... maturity with age isn't either... You will always have the same personality, same view of the world and how it works, same beliefs, same dessires. With age comes maturity, you develop/ expand on your personal principles and you live by them. Still the same principles though, you just adjust your actions more toward them.

I can see where you're coming from, but I can't say that I have the same beliefs now that I had 5-10 years ago. When I was a teen, I used to glorify violence and fighting. To me, the strongest and toughest male was the one worth admiring. Brawn and bravery were the name of the game for me. Nowadays, I admire people with good social skills, humility, and intelligence. In fact, I tend to think less of people now who try to solve all their problems with anger and fists. I can't watch shows like UFC or Pride, because the whole idea makes me a little sick to my stomach (no offense to those who enjoy it, it's just not for me). In essence, I've shifted from respecting brute force to respecting the mind.

And as I stated before: the very way in how I perceive people has changed. I used to be highly cynical of human nature, and believed that people were fake and ultimately living a perceived illusion of happiness. As my understanding of people has increased, however, that viewpoint has changed. Now, I've grown to respect the positive qualities in others, and believe that most people are generally good at heart; some you have to dig a little deeper to find it, though.

I didn't change as a need to adapt; I changed because of a difference in point of view. I changed, because I realized that my way of life at the time was wrong. I changed, because I realized that I was a miserable and angry person. There are things I did when I was younger that I felt completely proud about then. When I think about them now, I feel embarrassment and shame.

 

[Bluey]

Darkest Seraphim, I hear you man. And welcome to the sight.

I think ppl can change and do and in some cases is necessary. Just for some its moor difficult then for others.

Darkest Seraphim, I have lived alone now for 13 years and I to am starting to think that my neighbors think am a weirdo. And as its been some time sean's I had a girl here I think they probably think am gay to. I do not go to family do's anymoor as am the only one with out a partner and get fed up off ppl saying things like "OH, you not got a GF yet" Am like dose it ******* well look like I have. Well I don't say that of course but feel like saying it. I always feel sad at this do's so I don't go anymore.

As I just said to someone here in a pm. Every one here and most in my life here at home think am a good guy and a very thoughtful person so why am I alone?

And its not selfish to reach out for help. I hope you get some better advise then I can give you to night.

I well just say tho that there are some kick ass ppl here that do and have given some great advise.

 

[Princess Cleocatra]

For what it's worth, here is my opinion.

People can change, if they so desire to. I know I have, but for the better... It's easily within our scope and realm to change, even evolve some and definitely mature with age, hopefully.. But the problem I have experienced with those around me in my life is that when people change, it isn't necessarily for the better.. But be that as it may, we don't stay the same always, as we grow and mature, we learn, hopefully and we evolve some. I know for a fact the things which are important to me today, things I believe etc., were not the same as when I was 15. All of course, just IMHO..

 

[IgnoredOne]

Adaptation is not a change... maturity with age isn't either... You will always have the same personality, same view of the world and how it works, same beliefs, same dessires.

I really hate to disagree because in some ways I really agree with you and feel like what you said resonates in some ways. But I do feel that adaptation is change(changing how you behave is change by definition!), and certainly at least the view of the world changes, along with beliefs and desires.

Do you have the same view of the world now as you did when you were six? If someone suddenly gave you a million dollars, would it impact your perception of the world? If someone cut off your left arm, would it impact your perception of the world? I can certainly tell you that at least the details of my desires have changed over time - I certainly didn't begin with a love of ballerinas.

Whether personalities change based on environment is a more interesting question. Long lost identical twins brought up in different families have remarkable similarities but are not necessarily identical in many or even a majority of ways. I know a pair of identical twins right now, for example, and they have chosen remarkably different paths without even being separated from each other. I believe that many innate traits are set: such as personal drive, willpower, risktaking and possibly even generalized goals, but I've not seen much evidence that it affects their choices that reach the said general goals. In the pair of twins I mentioned, for example, both while both work hard and value being the center of attention, but one chose to obsess over sports and try to be an athletic star while her twin chose to be a cheerleader/dancer/fashion model and tries to be the social center.

Sure, they might have similar overall goals, but given how much the method to the goal can vary, I could definitely see how storyline good/evil twins could exist.

With age comes maturity, you develop/ expand on your personal principles and you live by them. Still the same principles though, you just adjust your actions more toward them.

You adapt because that will ultimately get you to what you need... you prioritize your needs because with age you learn how the world works and the things you need to do to achieve these needs. That doesn't mean you've changed, there were obstacles forced onto you and given the scenario without these "roadblocks" you would do things differently, you would take the route that would satisfy the most of you needs for the least amount of effort.

I feel that character development is substantial change. But I agree with you that certain fundamental innate traits don't change that dramatically, though.

You might fundamentally want a peaceful happy world, for example, but whether you choose to bring it about by preaching love and happiness or by marching down thousands of stormtroopers whiile Imperial March plays in the background depends heavily on one's influences and upbringing. Its an exaggeration, of course, but people can definitely become very different people based on their choices and exposure.

I'll say those two people who chose different means to overcome the "roadblocks" to their goals are pretty different, even if their ultimate goals might not be that different.

And if they say that what truly defines a person are his actions, then the evidence is the greatest single decider of our actions is the company we share.

As for this thread... the answer is NOT change... it's don't waste your time trying to change but work with what you got to get what you need. After all it'n not how hard you work but how smart you work.

I agree with the last sentence heartily. Though as the Soviets liked to remind us with their 80 mobilized Warsaw Pact divisions against the 30 NATO divisions: "Quantity has a quality of its own."

Likewise, I think that sometimes working hard is working smart too. I don't think we ultimately disagree, but the word that "we don't change" seems a bit harsh given the fact that we clearly seem to be different over time.

Regards,
IO

 

[Guest]

I can see where you're coming from, but I can't say that I have the same beliefs now that I had 5-10 years ago. When I was a teen, I used to glorify violence and fighting. To me, the strongest and toughest male was the one worth admiring. Brawn and bravery were the name of the game for me. Nowadays, I admire people with good social skills, humility, and intelligence. In fact, I tend to think less of people now who try to solve all their problems with anger and fists. I can't watch shows like UFC or Pride, because the whole idea makes me a little sick to my stomach (no offense to those who enjoy it, it's just not for me). In essence, I've shifted from respecting brute force to respecting the mind.

And as I stated before: the very way in how I perceive people has changed. I used to be highly cynical of human nature, and believed that people were fake and ultimately living a perceived illusion of happiness. As my understanding of people has increased, however, that viewpoint has changed. Now, I've grown to respect the positive qualities in others, and believe that most people are generally good at heart; some you have to dig a little deeper to find it, though.

I didn't change as a need to adapt; I changed because of a difference in point of view. I changed, because I realized that my way of life at the time was wrong. I changed, because I realized that I was a miserable and angry person. There are things I did when I was younger that I felt completely proud about then. When I think about them now, I feel embarrassment and shame.

But there must have been something that triggered your "change" if you want to put it that way... you don't go from one state of mind to another for no reason... you do it because that need wasn't being fulfilled anymore. And that need doesn't change.

Say as an example that need was to have a decent/ good salary, establish a family, whatever... now with age, come new obstacles that you need to adapt to because your needs won't be satisfied so your forced to adapt... But what if the life you were leading was bringing you all that you wanted in the big picture... you wouldn't be "changing" / adapting, but you'd remian doing exactly what you want. Thus your beliefs, you view of the world doesn't change... but your forced to adapt to satisfy yourself.

But the problem I have experienced with those around me in my life is that when people change, it isn't necessarily for the better

But what is this "change" for the worst? These people don't necessairly change but do what makes them enjoy life... do what they always wanted to because before there were either:
1. trying to "change" their personality... be someone who they're not
2. they had someonelse's belifes imposed on them... as the grew they matured = realised their own views of the world


I guess it all depends on someone's perspective of change... to me, what most of you consider change, is simply an adaptation to satisfy as many of their desires as possible.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Say as an example that need was to have a decent/ good salary, establish a family, whatever... now with age, come new obstacles that you need to adapt to because your needs won't be satisfied so your forced to adapt... But what if the life you were leading was bringing you all that you wanted in the big picture... you wouldn't be "changing" / adapting, but you'd remian doing exactly what you want. Thus your beliefs, you view of the world doesn't change... but your forced to adapt to satisfy yourself.

I agree that many fundamental needs are very persistent, but how does that account for people who grow older and change what they fundamentally desire? Most men my age, for example, have little interest in being a father yet, but I'm sure that by the time that I'm in my thirties, I'll be interested in having a child.

I would, essentially, be wanting something different over time.

But yes, many desires are fundamental and possibly universal. Everybody wants to be happy, I'll say, and we'll all try to find ways to get there. The definition of said "happiness" tends to entail some fundamental parameters which I would also say to be universal: a sense of novelty, a sense of control, and a sense of identity. The difference would be the quantities or degree of each of these penultimate drivers in us.

Regards,
IO

 

[Guest]

Do you have the same view of the world now as you did when you were six?

When you're six you don't understand the way the world works... for the most part (not always) it's happy, good... utopia, call it that. But you still have that same desire as now... to be happy... its just expanded on with more of a plan of how to achieve happiness

If someone suddenly gave you a million dollars, would it impact your perception of the world?

Not really, because no one just gives you money out of their own kindness... there's always an intention: wheather it's friendship, to satisfy their guilt of something, possibly someone helped them in life and they want to feel the pleasure of helping another ...

If someone cut off your left arm, would it impact your perception of the world?

LOL... is there any particular reason why you chose the LEFT arm (because I'm left-handed ) ... but no it wouldn't change my perception of the world, because I know that majority of this world is based on an egiositc view, where it's all about greed, power, control, money... To be honest, everyones egoistic (but to different degreees)

I can certainly tell you that at least the details of my desires have changed over time - I certainly didn't begin with a love of ballerinas.

That depends... did you hate ballerinas because someone instilled thier perspective of ballerinals on you?

I agree that many fundamental needs are very persistent, but how does that account for people who grow older and change what they fundamentally desire? Most men my age, for example, have little interest in being a father yet, but I'm sure that by the time that I'm in my thirties, I'll be interested in having a child.

I would, essentially, be wanting something different over time.

But yes, many desires are fundamental and possibly universal. Everybody wants to be happy, I'll say, and we'll all try to find ways to get there. The definition of said "happiness" tends to entail some fundamental parameters which I would also say to be universal: a sense of novelty, a sense of control, and a sense of identity. The difference would be the quantities or degree of each of these penultimate drivers in us.

Regards,
IO

You're right I being in 20's myself, I have no interest of being a father... What i meant is that being in the 20's or even teens, you don't want to be alone (and not necessairlly commitmentwise... but you do want a girl in your liife)... I do wan't to settle down in the future but for now there are certain things that I can't do because it won't allow you to be happy... nothing really comes to mind now but say I can't do something that will get me arrested ...etc (you get my point)

 

[IgnoredOne]

I chuckle. It looks like we don't disagree on anything except definitions, then, and I do agree that the vast majority of the denizens of the world are motivated by some sort of self-gain. And I don't hate ballerinas, but I never cared much for them until I met a very special Australian stage ballerina who biased me toward them

Regards,
IO

 

[Colette]

Change is inevitable. We change every single day, every single moment of our lives. My hope is to try to steer the change in a way that'll bring me closer to my dreams.

Regards,
IO

I agree with IO. We change and grow with every experience.

 

[lonelyloser]

People do change over time. But it's usually because something forces you to change.

 

[blak000]

But there must have been something that triggered your "change" if you want to put it that way... you don't go from one state of mind to another for no reason... you do it because that need wasn't being fulfilled anymore. And that need doesn't change.

Say as an example that need was to have a decent/ good salary, establish a family, whatever... now with age, come new obstacles that you need to adapt to because your needs won't be satisfied so your forced to adapt... But what if the life you were leading was bringing you all that you wanted in the big picture... you wouldn't be "changing" / adapting, but you'd remian doing exactly what you want. Thus your beliefs, you view of the world doesn't change... but your forced to adapt to satisfy yourself.

I think you've made some very valid arguments. My desire for more was what led to my change, but do your statements really support the idea that people don't change (your original claim)? I think you've made a very reasonable analysis of why people change, but change is ultimately the end product. It doesn't matter why I changed... it just matters that I did.

Also, I don't really consider changing to get the things we want in life really "adapting." Adaptation, in my opinion, is when we're placed in unwelcoming circumstances, and must alter ourselves in order to survive. That's how it applies in the Darwinian sense, and that's how I apply it to life in general. If you're a single white supremacist who found a job in a black neighborhood populated by Crips and Bloods, failure to adapt (by not publicly expressing your racial views) would be tantamount to suicide. There's an immediate and evident pressure to change, due to the possibility of facing serious negative consequences.

Nothing in my life is significantly different now from what it was during my highschool/college years. I'm still studying for school and I'm still being supported by my parents. I had a pretty laid-back life, a close group of friends, and a chance at an easy job (I managed to get a few job offers after college). There was never any question of whether I would be able to survive, but I sacrificed many of the things I used to enjoy in order to get a better job and try to fulfill my potential. Others might have a difference of opinion, but I just don't really consider what I did "adapting."

Also, as I stated before... my beliefs and value system did change. If it was a matter of simple adaptation, then I would still enjoy watching fights or participating in them. There are legal methods of indulging those impulses. Truth is, I just abhor violence now. If someone pushes me, I'll engage in it (e.g., in self-defense)... but it's really something I'd rather avoid. My perception on things and my stance on certain issues have changed over time. I wasn't forced to change these views. Changing them would have had no impact on my life whatsoever; I merely gained a different understanding of them over time. Does that still qualify as adaption?