The End

[cumulus.james]

I think it is quite hard to find anyone who truly understands. But that is understandable. We don't want to believe such situations arrise where all hope is gone. That is dangerous, we survive precisely because of hope. But such a situation has come about for me where there is no hope, and there can't be. Try as hard as I might to delude myself, it is over.

I must die soon at my own hand. If there was a way out of it trust me I would have found it.

So what I am looking for is people who will help me to my death. But when I ask for that I am moderated. I have to die. I don't want to die alone.

 

[dd11]

You can live and enjoy life. Dont throw in the towel.

 

[TheRealCallie]

There is always hope. It may seem out of reach, but all you need to do is take one small step toward something positive and you'll be on your way.

 

[VanillaCreme]

We don't support, promote, or encourage suicide on this forum. If you're looking for advice, there are plenty of people here who would talk with you and listen to you, offer some help to you. But we do not condone any encouragement in ending lives. If your plan is to see that, you've picked the wrong forum to get it from. There's plenty of people to talk about how you feel. It's up to you to seek out that help.

 

[TheSkaFish]

James,

I remember you saying on here once that you had gotten through a lot of risky behavior earlier in life and you were surprised that you didn't get sick and die. I am not pretending to tell you how you should feel or what your feelings are, or to understand how you are feeling that is making you so depressed. But I can tell you that your survival meant something - please don't throw it away. You were very lucky to have made it through that, don't waste your opportunity that many don't get. There must be something, some way for you to continue.

I haven't gone through nearly the amount of abuse you went through or anything like that, but I had a really bad car accident once (that was due to my own foolishness) and smashed into a tree. Somehow, I managed to come out without a scratch, but if I had hit the tree merely a foot away, I would have probably been killed.

From time to time I feel hopeless about my life, but I think back to that sometimes, among other things, and I tell myself, I didn't survive that just to give up. I'm not going to waste that chance, and the other chances I've gotten, the encouragement I've received. I won't throw it away - there's something I can do yet.

Hang in there, James.

 

[cumulus.james]

We don't support, promote, or encourage suicide on this forum. If you're looking for advice, there are plenty of people here who would talk with you and listen to you, offer some help to you. But we do not condone any encouragement in ending lives. If your plan is to see that, you've picked the wrong forum to get it from. There's plenty of people to talk about how you feel. It's up to you to seek out that help.

I am not looking for anyone to condone or encourage suicide, which is usually not the answer to anything and usually should be discouraged and all efforts should be made to prevent it. But in some situations nothing is to be done and it becomes the only possible action. That's where I am. and I just want to ease my passage somehow is all.

---

James,

I remember you saying on here once that you had gotten through a lot of risky behavior earlier in life and you were surprised that you didn't get sick and die. I am not pretending to tell you how you should feel or what your feelings are, or to understand how you are feeling that is making you so depressed. But I can tell you that your survival meant something - please don't throw it away. You were very lucky to have made it through that, don't waste your opportunity that many don't get. There must be something, some way for you to continue.

I haven't gone through nearly the amount of abuse you went through or anything like that, but I had a really bad car accident once (that was due to my own foolishness) and smashed into a tree. Somehow, I managed to come out without a scratch, but if I had hit the tree merely a foot away, I would have probably been killed.

From time to time I feel hopeless about my life, but I think back to that sometimes, among other things, and I tell myself, I didn't survive that just to give up. I'm not going to waste that chance, and the other chances I've gotten, the encouragement I've received. I won't throw it away - there's something I can do yet.

Hang in there, James.

I was a rent boy from the age of 14. I had no idea how it was destroying my life but that's what it did. But I'm left with no one to blame. I did those things. I ruined my childhood. I ruined my life. I only wish I could have known what I was doing to myself. But I didn't and now it's too late.

 

[LonesomeDay]

Please don't do it! You must seek help imo. Perhaps call the Samaritans?

 

[cumulus.james]

Did you ever talk to the Samaritans? They work off script and its like talking to a robot.

The user Constant Stranger has been sending me PM's telling me to kill myself by the way if mods are watching.

 

[LonesomeDay]

Did you ever talk to the Samaritans? They work off script and its like talking to a robot.

The user Constant Stranger has been sending me PM's telling me to kill myself by the way if mods are watching.

Yes, I talked to them in the '80s and met up with one for tea and talk in their offices near Liberty in Regent Street, London.

The Samaritans I talked to didn't seem like they were reading from a script, and I'm very thankful for the time freely given to me. They were a lifeline to me when I had nobody else to talk to about my feelings.

I can't talk here about why I needed someone to talk to, but it was serious. Perhaps today's Samaritans are different, more scripted - I don't know. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, I can only support you in your will to live (if that makes sense): somehow to help you reconnect with the part of you that wants to stay alive, and that's hopeful of a better life, even though you feel it isn't possible just now.

 

[BeyondShy]

The user Constant Stranger has been sending me PM's telling me to kill myself by the way if mods are watching.

You're kidding?? That's terrible.

You don't have to listen to that advice at all. Any way you look at it it is not advice. It's someone goading you into doing something drastic at a time when you are down.

You know this is terrible advice because you brought it out into the open. If you actually listened to him for five minutes then there's be something to be concerned about.

Let me give you an example. What if I say 'James, empty out your entire savings account and send it to me.' You'd point me to the nearest bridge and tell me where to jump off.

And that is exactly what you should say to the guy who wants you to do this when the mods are watching.


EDIT: Sorry, misspelled word.

 

[cumulus.james]

I bought it up because several people complained of hostility on this forum last year. It can't be tolerated. We most of us end up here as a last resort and because, as the title of the forum suggests, we are lonely. If this forum cannot offer support, empathy and understanding then it should be shut down. So I would ask all users and the mods to remember how we all got here. Most everyone here got here because they felt alone and struggled to find understanding. So in 2016 all on ALL would do well to remember that.

I remind you how this forum started: a young guy posted on a tech forum or something "I'm lonely will anyone talk to me?". A lonely guy reaching out, that was the spirit in which this forum was born, it is the spirit in which I have been here. A lonely guy reaching out.

 

[dd11]

And we are here trying to support you James. Please receive that.

 

[cumulus.james]

And we are here trying to support you James. Please receive that.

I appreciate it. But I have been on here since 2008, and I do feel the forum lost its in recent times, especially this year. People were mean to each other in a way they never were when I first joined. My fete is sealed. But you guys need to stop taking the forum for granted, to be there for each other. To try to understand why a person has written what they have before responding.

Something that should also be remembered is that many (I would think most) who come on here have some degree of mental health issues, from mild depression to full blown bipolar. That affects how people see the world and how they react to thing's.

The writer Anis Nin pointed out "We do not see people as they are, we see them as we are". On this forum we need to resist that. People respond to others as though they are responding to themselves. I am of course guilty of this, and perhaps if I had learned that years ago I would not have become what I am.

 

[SofiasMami]

The Samaritans’ 24-hour UK helpline can be contacted on 116 123.

Even if you've contacted them before, call them again, you will certainly get a different person on the other end of the line the next time you call.

---

And we are here trying to support you James. Please receive that.

I appreciate it. But I have been on here since 2008, and I do feel the forum lost its in recent times, especially this year. People were mean to each other in a way they never were when I first joined. My fete is sealed. But you guys need to stop taking the forum for granted, to be there for each other. To try to understand why a person has written what they have before responding.

Something that should also be remembered is that many (I would think most) who come on here have some degree of mental health issues, from mild depression to full blown bipolar. That affects how people see the world and how they react to thing's.

The writer Anis Nin pointed out "We do not see people as they are, we see them as we are". On this forum we need to resist that. People respond to others as though they are responding to themselves. I am of course guilty of this, and perhaps if I had learned that years ago I would not have become what I am.

Those are wise words. I agree 100% with what you've said here.

May I ask a question? I've noticed that you're on the forum, then off (or not posting on) the forum for extended periods. What happening while you're not posting? I'm just curious. Are you in a better place and maybe things are going at least ok for a bit?
I'm only asking because I've gotten a lot out of the forum when I've been down and sad but when I'm feeling good I try to get on and extend a hand to others who are down and sad. It's the least I can do and I think the forum needs members who are willing to at least make a sincere attempt to be kind and compassionate. How about you? I know you're in a dark place at the moment but please also consider coming round when you're feeling ok and contributing some wisdom and support, cumulus.james-style to the forum.

-Teresa

 

[ladyforsaken]

James, if you have issues with another member why didn't you PM the mods? I'm sure the mods would help you out. It would have helped lighten some stress or anxiety that you might have been feeling.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through and I do acknowledge that you've been trying to reach out for help on here. I also see a lot of people trying to support you and talk to you through your issues but you have to also be receptive to their help and try to see if their suggestions could help you. I don't know exactly what has been said but I know that over the past year people have been trying to help. I just hope that some of their advice and talks helped you some at least.

Please don't give up yet. We are all somewhat in this same boat of life where we have a lot of issues and we try to find ways to work around them or get rid of them. We all have our struggles and I think if you have a hard time struggling alone, then being here and seeing that there are others out there who are also struggling might just help. We shouldn't declare our lives over until we have exhausted all means and ways to feel better. At least that's what I think but you might oppose that opinion. All I'm saying is, don't give up just yet. We're all here and we're all still trying too.

 

[dd11]

James, human beings are a messy lot. We tend to dissapoint one another. It isnt intentional. We are all a mixed bag of good qualities and personal failings. Just like it takes a stem of thorns and a bed of excrement to grow a beautiful rose, our lives have our share of all those things.
Maybe people here or in life have disappointed. But there are good people here and in the world. There are people you havent yet met.

 

[cumulus.james]

James, human beings are a messy lot. We tend to dissapoint one another. It isnt intentional. We are all a mixed bag of good qualities and personal failings. Just like it takes a stem of thorns and a bed of excrement to grow a beautiful rose, our lives have our share of all those things.
Maybe people here or in life have disappointed. But there are good people here and in the world. There are people you havent yet met.

It's over for me unfortunately. I am empty.

 

[zero]

I can hear you, cumulus.james.

Even in emptiness there is strength and life.

 

[LonesomeDay]

It's over for me unfortunately. I am empty.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I can see that you are suffering. I would still urge you to talk to someone about your feelings. Someone who will not judge you for the mistakes you believe you have made in the past. Someone you can trust who will be there for you in your journey to a better life.

 

[constant stranger]

Did you ever talk to the Samaritans? They work off script and its like talking to a robot.

The user Constant Stranger has been sending me PM's telling me to kill myself by the way if mods are watching.

Cumulus is basically telling the truth here. I said goodbye to him in a truly spiteful and nasty way. I spit poison at him.

It's too late to take back but I am full of remorse.

Actually, I'm surprised I haven't been banned. I think it's best that I just go inactive in ALL until further notice, insofar as my misdeeds have broken trust with the entire community and CJ in particular.