The Issue I Run From

[SophiaGrace]

I run. I run too much. Fight or flight...i choose flight;

I really dont want to face this problem...

Its something I"m ashamed of. Afraid of...it causes me endless anxiety. And yet...I feel as though no one could possibly understand it. THey'd just give me a "what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you-look..."
I dont like that look. *frowns* So i close my mouth and try to forget about it...and smile a bit.

*sigh*

I have paper anxiety. I HATE PAPERS. I got on academic probation while at a previous university and...its...caused me to be SO phobic of papers. I hate them. And...guess what. This semester...i've already failed a class because I didnt do a paper. It was my downfall. *sad look* Fear of failure actually begets failure. The irony of this is cruel and yet...its so true. My own fear of failure is...well...making me fail. Literally.

Right now I'm supposed to be doing another paper...but ...I procrastinate out of fear. I dont want to look at it. And every time I procrastinate it reinforces the bad habit and deepens the fear. I'm just locked in a vicious cycle.

This summer...i had a 10 page paper to do...and i'd sit there...night after night, sleepless...looking at it...working on it. And...crying. LOL. Man i sound pathetic. But it caused me so much stress because I was trying to be perfectionistic on it. I wanted to give the teacher a perfect paper and...well...the material I picked out was HARD so I had to learn it....while I did the paper. And...idk it just discouraged me SO much because I went over the deadline 3 weeks and the teacher STILL accepted it. Probably out of pity.

I have issues and yet...no one seems to understand how large they seem to me. Ever since I was a little girl i wanted to go to college and...well...now sometimes I just want to get a job as a postal worker and live out my life that way instead of facing this stress...this seemingly insurmountable fear of failure.

and the question keeps ringing in my mind " Am I just lazy? Is this just Laziness....Is this a moral failing?"

I dont want to face my parents with another failure. I cant.

When I get stuck on papers....I feel so hopeless...and sad. I dont want to face papers anymore...or my parents asking me "how could you get another F?" It makes me feel SO ashamed.

All this from the girl who was a member of the National Honor Society in high school. I'm not dumb...just...I dont know.

I need help. Does anyone have suggestions? Can anyone offer me assistance?

 

[frey12]

Cant offer any assistance however from what I can tell you are not lazy. Because if you are lazy you wouldn't of made the attempt in the first place. If anything you take school way to seriously, I mean personally I enjoy learning a majority of the time. Now if you don't enjoy it at all that could really be whats stressing you out. Try to remember that you are learning something new think about it, enjoy it. I don't think it will help with the paper anxiety but it may help with the fear of failure because instead of focusing on if you are going to be successful or not you are focusing on the joy of something new in your life.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Walking on your own eggshells eh ?
Poeple like me ..we'll swing back and forth from over achieving to non achiving.lol

It was a habit I developed growing up in a disfuctional home.
I over achive and go beyound me means...just so my parents will love me or give love.
I under achive...just so my parents will give me love too....f-it any type of attendtion.
The only time I evered got attentions was when I messed up.
Throw a little bit of baptist, brimstone and hell fire in thar...I got the malencoly crap going...
Fear ruled my fucken life. Nope, I'm not dumb either.
Fear of sucess.....
For some stupy reason, I'll sabtage my life and many other projects I get involve in.
Other times I get frozen

Wherever you go there you are. I took home with me everywhere I went....I hope that makes sense.

anyway, Fails Evident Appearing Real. This tool is for when I get the impending doom crap going
in my head. I'm a child of god (a loving god..) F-it..that's my idea of GOD. I'm not less human than saint Francis.
F-it...I'm not less than Jesus either...My god loves me unconditionally too.
I'm lOVE. I was born with it. It is my harritage. When it's my harritage...I need not do anything to earn love.

Practicing to love myself and take care of myself.

Courage is not without fears....Face everything and recover. This tool will get me into actions.
Yeah..sometimes I feel lazy. Other times I feel overwhelm with fears..I get frozen.
This...gets me to step forward, do whatever I need to do inspite of my feelings of fear.

Baby steps...one foot in front of the other.
Maybe write 1 page at a time, ..if not write 1 paragraph at a time....apply it other aspect of your life.
This will make it less overwhelming. You can obtain small goals. Then love yourself or give yourself a pat
on the back for completing 1 page or a paragraph.
This way you don't have to wait for the rest of the freaken world to approve, disaprrove or praise you. This will also improve your self-esteem.

Bacailly alot of reparent myself. Loving myself as if I'm my own child. (inner child).

I also meditate...not to be a fucken saint with a fucken halo on my head. Meditate is a process of emptying out my mind.
All the freaken throughts of fears that gose on in my head.
I just focus on and object and become still. Then I obverse
the thousands of different forms of fears my mind will generate.
Endless parades of it at first.
Eventaully my mind will spin itself out. Eventaully i get into the
moment in the presence...not what's in my head.
I found my little santuary...a park bench under a tree near a pond.
It's surround by beauty. When I'm in the moment..I have nothing
to fear...nothing is wrong. I'm just sitting under a tree. lol

Eventaully I'm able to practice meditation..during my day.
But just knowing that nothing is wrong and feeling fears are just crap
my mind generate is a releave . I'm able to function or do whatever
I need to do a lot better

 

[Silvernight]

You know what? I also had a pathologic fear of writing papers at university. Like you say, often I just couldn't force myself to look at them, and cry my eyes out, so afraid I was that I was not smart enough to write one and that all I was writing was total nonsense. Despite that, however, I still somehow managed to force myself to do it, because, not like you have a choice if you want to graduate, right? Mind you, it always cost me a lot of nerves. But in the end, my papers always were the best or one of the best in my class. This is really because of our perfectionism and lack of confidence, but this fear of ours is completely irrational. Just do it, you won't be worse off than anyone else. Unfortunately, I cannot offer a good advice on how to conquer this fear as I also had continuously struggled with it at university.

 

[Brian]

I have a crippling fear of math. I took Elementary Algebra 2 this quarter and everything was so over my head and I just couldn't understand it fully. Some of the things I was able to do but I definitely spent a few nights crying over my homework, lol. I had to drop the class...aside from being too advanced (I'm not good at math, I'm just good at multiple choice placement tests apparently, LOL) it was just not doable with a full time job.

But I know that feeling of dread like you'll never overcome it. It sucks. I've vowed that next time I'm going to first take a class that's closer to my level, and I'm gonna pass it no matter what. I'll get a tutor probably, maybe that'll help.

Anyway. What subject is your paper for, Sophia? And what are you writing about? Is there a specific task or aspect of the paper you find most daunting (organization, research, getting started...?) I'm no genius, but I am pretty darn good at writing an essay so hopefully I can provide some feedback. If you want you can even PM me what you have so far (if you've started by the time you read this post) and I can give suggestions in that respect, too. Let's see what we can't figure out!

Cheers,
Brian

 

[Unacceptance]

Talk to the professor. My friend does that and it helps when he writes them.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I have a crippling fear of math. I took Elementary Algebra 2 this quarter and everything was so over my head and I just couldn't understand it fully. Some of the things I was able to do but I definitely spent a few nights crying over my homework, lol. I had to drop the class...aside from being too advanced (I'm not good at math, I'm just good at multiple choice placement tests apparently, LOL) it was just not doable with a full time job.

But I know that feeling of dread like you'll never overcome it. It sucks. I've vowed that next time I'm going to first take a class that's closer to my level, and I'm gonna pass it no matter what. I'll get a tutor probably, maybe that'll help.

Anyway. What subject is your paper for, Sophia? And what are you writing about? Is there a specific task or aspect of the paper you find most daunting (organization, research, getting started...?) I'm no genius, but I am pretty darn good at writing an essay so hopefully I can provide some feedback. If you want you can even PM me what you have so far (if you've started by the time you read this post) and I can give suggestions in that respect, too. Let's see what we can't figure out!

Cheers,
Brian

wow brian thank you for all the help.

I think starting it and not feeling hopeless about it and thus quitting is my biggest obstacle. Oh and actually writing the thing is hard...I'm afraid of that part too. even though my writing is good.

I'll PM you what i have so far.