This Loneliness Is Driving Me Crazy

[theshunnedone]

Hi all fellow wearers of the cloak of loneliness,it's nice to be here.For years it never bothered me at all,but now its driving me up the bloody walls,and quite honestly,if i didnt have this computer i would go insane! Im always polite,never rude and yet,no matter where i turn to,be it Twitter,Facebook,YouTube,i never get a reply to my messages,and yet,others do,its almost as though my postings are invisible or something and i just feel like giving up.Sorry,i did get one response on a forum,yes,i got told to F*** OFF! Why does this keep on happening,i just dont understand it?
And in real life,the situation is even worse.If i didnt call,text,email the people i consider to be my friends,i would never hear from them.It would seem nobody has any interest in me whatsoever.On the few occasions i do get a response to a text message,i get told off for being nosey,an ex of mine actually said "why do you want to know all my ins and outs".I thought that was what it was all about,taking an interest in your friends,but it has now reached the point im actually scared to ask anyone anything,do people not like being questioned nowadays as to how they are getting on in life?
And then theres my night class,when it finishes up,everybody talks to one another.....except one person,ME!! Its almost as though i have two heads or something,im the black sheep of the class,so i just get up and leave rather than stare into space hoping somebody might actually have the courtesy to talk to me.Now i wear nice clothes,always smell nice but it would seem this isnt good enough,maybe its my body language as i am very shy and so forth.Im ok on a one to one situation,but do struggle dreadfully in a group of people.Now,if i saw somebody on the other hand who didnt look at ease,edgy,nervous etc,i know i would at least have the manners to talk to them and try to help put them at ease,but thats just me.
And then there is my neighbours,never had a christmas card ever off anybody,i say hello to a couple of them when i pass them and they totally blank me.Its a bit hard to take really,i even used to bring all their bins in after collection,trying to be neighbourly,and where does that get me? I take out my rubbish a couple of hours later,only to find one of them has dumped their rubbish in my bin,despite their own one being empty.I really feel as though im being victimized.Its not as though im a killer,rapist or peadophile,i would do anything to help anybody.
Yes,i have resorted to this sadly,desperation perhaps? Who knows,did a search on Google and this site came out on top and so i live in hope that things might actually turn for the better and that i see some light at the end of the tunnel,usually when i do see this,it is a train rolling towards me!
Anyway,i think i have made my point as best as i possibly can,thanks very much for taking the time and trouble to read,and i look forward to hearing others feedback who can relate to what im saying.

Thank-You.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Welcome to the site.

The problem with people is that you just don't know what kind of mood they are in. It could be the person you ask how their day was, had a really crappy one and asking them just brings it all back up again. They just don't want to talk about it. Knowing this is next to impossible though unless you can tell the person is in a bad mood or whatever. Some want to talk about, some don't. You just can't take it personally when that happens.

 

[Shadow Self]

Hi Theshunnedone,
Problem is, in our vicious day to day lives people succumb to the common mentality. No wonder we call it the 'Concrete Jungle'. People tend to walk over others, you have to understand that. The only way you're gonna get anywhere with your life is if you'll understand the game. Although it's pleasant to be helpful and respectful, most people out there find it interfering. As if 'mind your own business'. Sometimes you just have to keep to your own, and unless situation is critical, keep the help to yourself. For no one will say thank you, so unless you're fine with that - don't do it. I am absolutely not implying that you're suppose to be an *******. There's a set of moral principles we have to follow, like common respect to each other. I just think it would be good remembering to try and maintain your public persona as one which knows what it wants and knows how to get it. And doesn't give a crap about anything else. And one which does not bend ones knee to anyone. I think if you kept to yourself, and didn't seem desperate for human contact (honestly the garbage bin thing from aside seems like a total overkill and would have freaked me out as a neighbour), if you just went by your day with your own business in mind people would start to pay attention. It's at least worth a try? People love control, and when you seem to them like a person who they can abuse (relationship wise, public or private) they take advantage of you. If you allow someone to walk over you - he/she will. But when you seem like a person who's completely all about himself, they start to pay attention. And I'm speaking from my own experience. Only a couple of social occasions actually require you to put in some effort to actually be noticed, it's very rare occasions.
With close friends and family it's obviously a different situation, but even they require personal space. And although it's nice that you pay attention, you have to leave space for them to miss you, to realize how important you are in their lives. And if they don't - screw them then... Don't be afraid to lose people. That's all we are to each other - a passer by. Sometimes we take a few more stops with each other, but that's that. People come and go, don't expect them to stay forever. Let go.
I don't want to seem patronizing or anything, I'm just putting ideas out there and I'm sure you'll yourself pick the right from wrong. But that's my perception of your problem. I hope it can be of any use.
Social life is like those chicks who play hard to get. They abuse the ones who desperately do anything for them and in the mean time run after those who tell them to F*** off.
So be the person who's being ran after, and not a puppy to anyone. Don't be the person who's willing to leave ones path just to help complete outsiders. Life is about you and your family - screw the rest.
Even with family and friends I do not take hints from them and wait until they actually ask for my help face to face, I always give it after they ask, but if you'll offer it yourself before they actually walk over their own proud selves, and ask it of you, they will never appreciate it. Easy come easy go.
As for forums and social pages - trolls and c**t's are all over those, so unless your one - won't be noticed. I never am either.
As for classes - the only people that get noticed are the ones that have something to say, so if you have an idea - throw it out there. And we ALL have ideas and thoughts. Don't be afraid that they might judge you, or misunderstand you, or that you'll be laughed from, ****... even if you are laughed from - laugh along and learn from you're mistakes rather than letting them get you down. Baby steps - you know what I'm saying? Has to start somewhere.
Must keep Your head high and love yourself in order for someone to love you. Same goes for respect - don't respect yourself, no one will.
Best of luck mate, I hope you'll find a way And trust me - to that kind of problem, the answers are out there. Find a thing you can do by your own and put your energy into something productive rather than give it all away to others. Keep it kewl!

 

[CallMeCol]

Of course it has to be said that a sizable proportion of the people who chatter away endlessly in a crowd or on facebook etc. are pretty darn shallow and wouldn't understand a genuine friendly gesture if they recieved one.

Just my opinion, of course.

Col.

 

[Shadow Self]

Of course it has to be said that a sizable proportion of the people who chatter away endlessly in a crowd or on facebook etc. are pretty darn shallow and wouldn't understand a genuine friendly gesture if they recieved one.

Just my opinion, of course.

Col.

True that. Although I keep struggling with the thought of any person being shallow. It's just that it seems to me that every one of us believe a lot of the people to be shallow, although we never really get to know them. Nor would we want to, as every one of those people seem to have appalling virtues, for us at least. And that is what leads me to think I have lack of insight on this matter. I am certain however, that all of us are self-centered. For you can interpret it any way you want, it's always about you. But that's a whole different subject.
A quote to support your thought - 'A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a fool because he has to say something.' -- Plato

 

[SophiaGrace]

In response to shadow self, I think random acts of kindness are good. You don't ask anything in return. Just do the good because its the right thing to do. If you see someone on the street in distress or they dropped their bags, help them. Ask them what is wrong or help them pick up the pieces. They may not take it kindly but that's not your problem. Just walk away if they don't like it.

 

[putter65]

Hi all fellow wearers of the cloak of loneliness,it's nice to be here.For years it never bothered me at all,but now its driving me up the bloody walls,and quite honestly,if i didnt have this computer i would go insane! Im always polite,never rude and yet,no matter where i turn to,be it Twitter,Facebook,YouTube,i never get a reply to my messages,and yet,others do,its almost as though my postings are invisible or something and i just feel like giving up.Sorry,i did get one response on a forum,yes,i got told to F*** OFF! Why does this keep on happening,i just dont understand it?
And in real life,the situation is even worse.If i didnt call,text,email the people i consider to be my friends,i would never hear from them.It would seem nobody has any interest in me whatsoever.On the few occasions i do get a response to a text message,i get told off for being nosey,an ex of mine actually said "why do you want to know all my ins and outs".I thought that was what it was all about,taking an interest in your friends,but it has now reached the point im actually scared to ask anyone anything,do people not like being questioned nowadays as to how they are getting on in life?
And then theres my night class,when it finishes up,everybody talks to one another.....except one person,ME!! Its almost as though i have two heads or something,im the black sheep of the class,so i just get up and leave rather than stare into space hoping somebody might actually have the courtesy to talk to me.Now i wear nice clothes,always smell nice but it would seem this isnt good enough,maybe its my body language as i am very shy and so forth.Im ok on a one to one situation,but do struggle dreadfully in a group of people.Now,if i saw somebody on the other hand who didnt look at ease,edgy,nervous etc,i know i would at least have the manners to talk to them and try to help put them at ease,but thats just me.
And then there is my neighbours,never had a christmas card ever off anybody,i say hello to a couple of them when i pass them and they totally blank me.Its a bit hard to take really,i even used to bring all their bins in after collection,trying to be neighbourly,and where does that get me? I take out my rubbish a couple of hours later,only to find one of them has dumped their rubbish in my bin,despite their own one being empty.I really feel as though im being victimized.Its not as though im a killer,rapist or peadophile,i would do anything to help anybody.
Yes,i have resorted to this sadly,desperation perhaps? Who knows,did a search on Google and this site came out on top and so i live in hope that things might actually turn for the better and that i see some light at the end of the tunnel,usually when i do see this,it is a train rolling towards me!
Anyway,i think i have made my point as best as i possibly can,thanks very much for taking the time and trouble to read,and i look forward to hearing others feedback who can relate to what im saying.

Thank-You.

I can relate to what you have said. I used to be like you. People either ignored me or laughed at me.

I never did know why. I was shy and I couldn't really talk to people. Maybe it was the vibe I gave off to people ? Maybe I looked unapproachable ? Maybe some people did try to talk to me and because of my shyness, I didn't talk back ? And after that they never bothered.

Everywhere I went in those days people hated me. It was like 'hate at first sight' - and I always tried to me polite and friendly.

What changed was I learned how to talk to people. I started working in a shop and I was forced to talk to people. I hated it at first because of my natural shyness but I soon got used to it.

Now I am probably more approachable, random people do say 'hi' to me. At work it is impossible for me to be quiet because people come to me to chat. I know it's daft but I have developed a personality. I have opinions etc.

I am not sure what I went thru can help you. If people ignore you when you say 'hello' to them - never do it again. It's not your fault ! It's them. Just forget about them. Don't be too hard on yourself at the nightclass. Maybe some of the others knew each other before joining the class. They are bound to talk to each other.

Oh and if it's you all the time sending emails and texts first then stop and let people contact you. And if they don't - you know they don't care about you. Move on and forget about them.

 

[Shadow Self]

In response to shadow self, I think random acts of kindness are good. You don't ask anything in return. Just do the good because its the right thing to do. If you see someone on the street in distress or they dropped their bags, help them. Ask them what is wrong or help them pick up the pieces. They may not take it kindly but that's not your problem. Just walk away if they don't like it.

Yes, and as I said:
'I am absolutely not implying that you're suppose to be an *******. There's a set of moral principles we have to follow, like common respect to each other.'
It's all common sense and it's already installed in our daily lives, like being a gent and respecting others and what not. However what I meant was being overly helpful, it can often irritate others or give them a chance to abuse your generosity. And as I said, if you do something on your own just to help someone, because you need it, want to or whatever - don't expect a thank you. I'm not implying that you're not suppose to do it at all.

 

[theshunnedone]

Im sorry, i dont mean to sound offensive or anything,but wasnt it me that made this post? It would seem others are more interested in replying to SophiaGrace,shadow self,CallMeCol So i shall turn elsewhere for some help and guidance,so sorry to have bothered you,goodbye!

 

[Grey]

I feel sorry that you feel that way, i know how it feels but not as bad as you. I always used to get ignored in class because i was shy and wasn't the best at socialising. If you ever need to talk then i'm here.

 

[perfanoff]

Who can count here? I counted 4 on 3 before his post. I get exactly what you're trying to do - get attention by begging for it and you succeeded in it.

Now to the matter of hand. I have a family member that does the exact same thing. Getting into deep conversations or gestures (SUCH AS doing somebody else's trashbin) seems manipulative and indicates codependency (google that, actually every single person should probably, too). There's no shortcuts to relationships. You make smalltalk, you joke, one drop at a time, and it may happen or it may not. Don't treat everyone by doing them favors (and obviously implicitly expecting something in return) because they may not be willing to give that implied thing to you. Again, with putting their stuff in your trashbin, the message is pretty clear: it's a subtle way of saying that whatever credit you may think you've gotten by helping them out, they reject it. Learn the rules, play the game.

---

PS you have two real options: learn to socialize better or become a loner. Or most likely, a little bit of both.