Thoughts, in a mess

[tusk]

Settling down here, is it possible? I’m just letting the days pass, not really feeling like this is it. What’s my life supposed to be? My goals, to start my own company and later, take on teaching at the university. Is that to be my future, here in this city? In this apartment? I love this city, it’s probably the most beautiful city in the world. But what it has in beauty, it lacks in people. I just feel like the people here are cold and distant, myself included. Why is it so hard to meet people, interesting people, and show them who I really am? And who am I? It feels like there are layers in me that never get shown, that I’m unable to show. That the world wouldn’t even try to understand, and certainly not appreciate. I’ve been lulled by the beauty and the possibilities; I’m trapped. Am I supposed to create a life here in this city, to find a girl, marry her, and have children? Maybe buy a house and all that? I don't want that chase to go on anymore. Afraid of ending up old and alone and missing all those things, I can't really let it go.
It feels like I should be writing stories, or drawing paintings. But what about? I used to like making up stories and drawing intricate puzzles. It’s lost, my imagination dried out. Instead, I sit here with the machine that has managed to keep me captivated for such a long time, the one that made it so easy for me to have a career. It’s been too easy. Everything has been a straight line, I didn’t have to do anything. Just play around with the machine: here’s your future. And your past. Why waste your knowledge?
I should explore the depth inside of me, hoping to find some gleaming nuggets and not too many balls of lead, and hopefully, and most scariest, not just nothing. Preferably, something that would lead me on my way. What way? The way to happiness, I guess. To feeling content, somewhere to fit in. Feeling appreciated and understood. A way out of loneliness.

Sorry for the LC-esque ramblings, even though he's a pretty smart guy he tends to write wall of texts. And so did I.

 

[Grey]

Only time will tell for you but if i had any doubts i'd do what my heart wanted. I have thought the same thing quite a lot in the last few years, tried doing what i wanted and failed but really wasn't my fault. Don't know if i'll ever get to do it, i just seem to get more problems that put it further away. Do what you want if its possible for you to do it.

 

[tusk]

Thanks, it must be nice to know what you want. I don't really know – fearing I don't have a heart. I'm not used to "doing what I want", I've mostly been on autopilot. But I do like teaching, it's just, I can't do it right now. I'm thinking about joining a political party, doing work there. At least I'd meet like-minded people, but I also fear the effect politics can have on one's life. Maybe it's ok if I force myself to have an open mind. At least it would be expression of myself in some way, if I can muster up the courage.

 

[Parabolani]

Everyday the same... parade of blank faces.... the constant drip drip from the cavern roof... the cold indifference of the ancient rock.

 

[Grey]

Thanks, it must be nice to know what you want. I don't really know – fearing I don't have a heart. I'm not used to "doing what I want", I've mostly been on autopilot. But I do like teaching, it's just, I can't do it right now. I'm thinking about joining a political party, doing work there. At least I'd meet like-minded people, but I also fear the effect politics can have on one's life. Maybe it's ok if I force myself to have an open mind. At least it would be expression of myself in some way, if I can muster up the courage.

It took me a while before i knew what i wanted so maybe its just taking you a while too.

 

[Montreal Skye]

All of these questions you’re asking yourself…I went through that too recently, about a year and a half ago. I had no clue who I’d become. Before I went on disability, I was an “insert job title here”. I was defined by my job. When that went away, and after a long period of recovery, I was forced to ask “who am I?” and “how do I want to live my life?”, “how do I see myself as the happiest I can be?”. I felt really alone, like nobody would ever accept me. But I realized it was because I wasn’t accepting the life I was living. I thought that I knew what I wanted in life…a career, husband, condo in the city, lots of toys and money. But that wasn’t it, because I had all of that (minus the hubbie) and I wasn’t happy before. It was shallow. The "friends" I had were all after materialistic things, and I never felt sincere friendships there at all.

I’m 44 years old now, and it took me that long to figure things out. I always felt like I should be doing 'this', I should be doing 'that' because that’s how society evolves, I should be a part of society. But that particular society of which I was a part, was very lonely.

I started to read some books on Newton, Dee and Comenius because I was curious about alchemy after reading The Lost Symbol. I learned about alchemy, but what was the most important was that I got insight. Comenius said one should “take up human wisdom to its highest points” - he meant wisdom in science, philosophy, religion, politics, cognition, art and discovery. When I read that and thought about it, it drilled in the fact that we only live once and we need to really experience life to its fullest, in every aspect. It made me think of the time that had passed and all the things I had let myself miss out on.

Long story short, after a lot of thinking and journaling, I FINALLY realized what l want. I want love in my life, friendships and affection, I want to work in a field I enjoy and make a difference. I want to leave this world without regret at all. And I needed to let go of the past in order to live in the present and work towards the future I wanted and deserved. Then came the "how the heck do I get it??"...well, more thought and planning and budgeting went into that and I'm on my way. I just decided to go for it. Scary though, but I keep reminding myself, you only live once.

I really believe that when we start asking ourselves all of these questions, it's because we are on the verge of a big change. I also think we have to make our own destiny, by that I mean, we need to place ourselves in situations where we will find what we want. My new philosophy is that everything WILL always work out for me if I'm willing to be the best person I can be. I don’t ever want to live with regret anymore so I’m taking action now, no matter how scary it is.

I guess your post got me rambling a little bit...sorry about that

You are already starting to think about things, you like teaching and politics interests you. You may not be able to do things immediately, but you can work towards those things that interest you. Having an open mind is really important, it's a hard transition once you've been on autopilot so long, but you can certainly do it. Just take one small step at first. You need to make slow changes to get your confidence going, you can definitely find that courage!

 

[In a lonely place]

Hi, a lot of good advice has already been given here. It's hard to follow advice though when pressures of day to day life intrude and you have to face reality.
But your post struck a chord with me, because I used to feel much of what you have posted.
Follow your heart. We are not machines. It sounds obvious but science is proving that the heart has a major effect on how we feel and behave day to day. We have to listen to our heart aswell as our brain.

 

[Gutted]

LOL LC does indeed write lots.

I think that you have your whole life to discover everything you have written down. You need not rush things you've not done. You want them to be right and for that to happen, you must bide your time. It might feel like some things take forever but that's what makes them worth it in the end. The effort of waiting and planning. Try to be happy in the mean time