thoughts

[Tuppence]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this or if there's any right place. The more I think about it, the more I worry I'm doing something wrong.

Sometimes I cry for no reason, or not for a reason I understand. I cried earlier, my fiance asked why, I said I was missing the girls, which was true. He hugged me and comforted me, it helped. But I think there's more to it than missing them.

I love my fiance, he loves me. He says he'll look after the girls and me. I feel safer with him. But maybe we're rushing into it. He didn't want to live with me unless we were at least engaged. He's old-fashioned. I love that. I don't know where I'm going with this. He's wonderful. But should I want to be looked after? I never used to want that. I did feel more equal with my ex.

I don't want my ex back, though we get on well. But we broke up because he was seeing someone else. They're still together. I wasn't good enough for him. Why would I be good enough for someone else?

I want to go out places and make friends, but communication scares me. I ignore the phone. Sometimes I answer and pretend it's a wrong number because I don't want to speak to them. I say I'm sorry but I have to go because one of the girls is crying, but that's a lie. I don't answer the door. I shop online when I can, but then I panic over opening the door so it can be delivered. I arrange to do things like classes but I never go.

I hope it's okay to write this.

 

[Rosebolt]

Heey, don't worry about wether this is the right place to write it, it surely is.

Your anxiety sounds alot like how i used to be, and still am in some aspects. It's good that you're trying to take steps to overcome this, but i think the steps might be too big for you. My first step to overcome the anxiety was to walk the dog for at least five minutes, and that was a terrifying experience. Maybe direct interaction is a step too big for now?

Do you know what caused these fears by the way? The source might very well be usefull to eliminate the problem. I think the cause of these fears might also give an answer as to why you'd be crying.

So, again, please don't worry about speaking your mind, it's very good of you to take the step to write this down, you deserve a hug for that. Or chocolate, wathever you like!

Take care!

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey Tuppence *hugs*

Of course it's okay to write all that, I hope you feel slightly better after sharing that.

My dear, it wasn't because you were not good enough for your ex. It was because you two were just incompatible. Who's to say one is good enough for the other or not? When everyone is so different, has different needs and wants, and can give different things to their partners. Sometimes, if you keep thinking that you may not be good enough for your fiance, it might just make you really believe it and you won't see the beauty of your love together.

Hey, I do that too about how communication scares you. It's what I do too.. I don't answer calls because I just for some reason.. can't seem to do it. I have given up trying to figure out why and what's the solution, because as long as I'm happy with it, I'll live.

I hope you'll understand better these emotions you're having with the more people you talk to on this forum. A lot of very insightful advice can be found here from such awesome people.

*hugs*

 

[Edward W]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this or if there's any right place. The more I think about it, the more I worry I'm doing something wrong.

Sometimes I cry for no reason, or not for a reason I understand. I cried earlier

I love my fiance, he loves me. He says he'll look after the girls and me. I feel safer with him. But maybe we're rushing into it.

Hi, this is the right place to post this, that's kind of why this forum is here!

I can relate to your first part, I get all emotional sometimes and feel like that without knowing why.

There's nothing wrong with being with someone who loves you and cares for you. I assume you do love him and care for him, but if you think things are going fast, then just keep things as they are for a while.

You didn't say if you were planning on a wedding or have set a date, maybe you need to just be engaged for a while until you feel 100% ready, marriage is a big commitment that you want to be sure you're ready for.

I can't help with your other anxiety as I've not had that, but I'm sure others here can advise you more.

 

[Regumika]

I wasn't good enough for him. Why would I be good enough for someone else?

it has nothing to do with good enough. let's just take tomboy for example. some guys like tomboys, some guys don't. Being a tomboy does not make you better or worse of a person. a guy who likes dainty girls wouldnt be attracted to tomboys, right? so its not about 'good enough' its about preferences.

But should I want to be looked after? I never used to want that. I did feel more equal with my ex.

again, its preferences. some girls like a strong head of household, and/or be more submissive. other girls like to be independent, sometimes dominant. so it depends on what you want, not what is 'right'. there isn't a 'right' way. there is only 'yours' and 'his' way.

--

social anxiety? so what? there is nothing to be ashamed of being that way. you are who you are. if you are satisfied with it, then keep being that way. if you dont like how you are, work to change it. personally, i like my solitude. when i go out to the store, i buy my stuff and leave, very little eye contact or communication.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Kind of curious Tuppence, where would you put your confidence level at on a 1-10 scale (1 being the low end)? It sounds like you're trying to discover (or rediscover perhaps?) who you are as it seems like there's been a number of changes the last couple of years (children, a relationship that didn't end so well, a new relationship) that would have most of us feeling uncertainty.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Sometimes you just have to let it out to figure out what is bothering you.

 

[Tuppence]

Thank you to all of you for replying I really appreciate it. I cried again, but only because it's moving to know you understand and want to help.

Rosebolt, I think maybe it developed because of how my childhood was. I was always on the shy side, but that never really bothered me until people started to put me down and/or compare me to my sister, who was always prettier, cleverer, stronger personality. I started to feel I must be a horrible person or they would be nice to me. I would say things and be ridiculed for it. I know I probably give a worse impression when I race off in the middle of a conversation, but it's not really a conscious decision. And thank you, I love hugs and chocolate!

Ladyforsaken, I don't think I am good enough for him really. But we do seem to be compatible. Is it okay that you don't answer the calls? I feel like I've got to sort it out. I know this won't be happening for a couple of years, but what if something happens to one of the girls at school, and they phone me and I can't answer the phone and my fiance isn't here to answer for me? Or what if something happens to him? I
agree with you though. Everyone here is very helpful and insightful, including you.

I hoped it was okay, Edward, but I got a bit overwhelmed with all the different forum titles! I had to make a decision, so panic set in a little bit. I didn't want to get into trouble. I think I'll be less panicky next time because you're all so kind! I do love him. We're making tentative plans for the wedding, but I said I didn't want to rush into it too much, weddings are wonderful but also stressful. And I really want to wait till A can toddle down the aisle as my bridesmad. (I feel really awful saying this, but I didn't really want to get engaged yet, I just wanted to live with him. The engagement was a compromise. But it is a very lovely compromise. My ring is comforting sometimes, like he's still holding my hand even when he's not there. But sometimes I need more comfort. Is that bad?)

Regumila, I agree with you, but I would say I'm the same type as the other girl. We wear the same kind of clothes, we even look quite similar. She's also a bit shy. But I suppose there must be some difference. My fiance says he isn't attracted to her at all, he says she's 'not very elegant'. But neither am I. My mum and my sister think I look trashy. I would like to be able to chat like most people do. But I can't even respond to comments about the weather and I get funny looks when I try to smile.

WildernessWildChild, at the moment, I feel like my confidence is a 4 or a 5. I feel really happy about the nice replies to this thread. But when I'm face to face with someone, I'd say it's a 1 or a 2. That's true, there have been a lot of changes. I suppose I don't really know who I am. There are so many parts of me. I'm a mum, a fiancee and an ex, but I feel like a child as well and I feel like I shouldn't feel that way.

Thank you, Sci-Fi. Having read all the posts and replied to them all, I completely agree

I'm sorry for not replying much on other people's threads. I read them, but then I start doubting my ability to write something helpful.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thank you to all of you for replying I really appreciate it. I cried again, but only because it's moving to know you understand and want to help.

Ladyforsaken, I don't think I am good enough for him really. But we do seem to be compatible. Is it okay that you don't answer the calls? I feel like I've got to sort it out. I know this won't be happening for a couple of years, but what if something happens to one of the girls at school, and they phone me and I can't answer the phone and my fiance isn't here to answer for me? Or what if something happens to him? I agree with you though. Everyone here is very helpful and insightful, including you.

I'm sorry for not replying much on other people's threads. I read them, but then I start doubting my ability to write something helpful.

*hugs* You.

I think it's okay not to answer calls when you really don't feel like to, but if you can, just pick it up and you always have the choice to say no if you don't want to talk or do anything with other people. Perhaps to avoid the worry that the calls are emergencies, pick them up just to hear what's up.. and it's entirely up to you to either go ahead with it or to drop the call and say you're busy or something.

And hey, take your time around the forum.

 

[Brantill]

I think every person have different thinking about different things . If we ask a question from a community the answers of the peoples are not same and different from each other . That a big difference between thoughts and thinking of the peoples .


*spam link removed*

 

[EveWasFramed]

I think every person have different thinking about different things . If we ask a question from a community the answers of the peoples are not same and different from each other . That a big difference between thoughts and thinking of the peoples .

*spam link removed*

Yes....we all think differently - except on how to treat sneaky spammers.

 

[Regumika]

whether i actually helped with what i said specifically or not, i hope it at least triggered a thought or two. likewise to anyone else's responses.

Love - i dont think there is a right way to do it as long as there is a common ground connection. meaning, that both parties agree that the said thing/concept/action is/are the connection(s).

Lets take for example "two high up business people". they see eye-to-eye that spending half a day of quality time together once a week is what would determine their love/connection with each other. All other times include traveling, busy business meetings, errands, etc. of course, they sleep in the same bed as many nights together as possible, but that is their love, and it is totally possible for this to work. Likelyhood? don't know, it is all determined on what they want.

if you want a life with then man of your dreams to be by your side holding your hand throughout the day, then find a guy that can do that. dont forget real life responsibilities though. so that may not be possible to due the fact that we do live in the world. but you cant fault the man for that, however, if it is possible and he chooses not to, then of course move on and find a guy that meets your needs. wrong to be needy? no. some guys like needy girls. the girls make the guys feel.. useful.

i saw an older movie for the first time a few weeks ago. there was a quote that i really liked, but im going to paraphrase it because i am bad at quoting: When I'm with you, I want to be a better man. He (specifically at this time, or a guy in the future should he not be the one) should be the person you are to live for, that you want to be a better person for. Not because he wants you to be a better person, but because you want him to have the best of you.

--

concerning your 'same type as me'. it is probably bias on your part, and true also with many people. That [they] see the others as 'same' when the person chooses others instead of [them]. to [you] it seems the same, because [you] are in a bias state and have to wonder 'why' would the person choose others over [me]. lets take a little test =) how many different types of men are there? high school, are guys all the same? 4-5 types? what makes them different? how many different types of women are there? less than men? in truth, everyone is different. two may act and look the same, but once you get to know them, they are not. mental capacity. behavior. habits. preferences. opinions. beliefs. moral values. and many more reasons than just looks and surface traits (shy). pride can be mislabeled for something else. anger issues can be mislabeled for something else. clumsy can be mislabeled for something else.

--

and about your.. "shyness", lets not compare and just focus on yourself. you seem to be fine here typing away =) so why is it okay here? what about start Instant Messaging with a few people here? perhaps start voice chat, then video chat? slowly build up to a point that you can apply it into daily life. then when issues of phone calls comes or someone is at your door, you will be ready because you 'do it all the time' !!

 

[Tuppence]

Thank you, Ladyforsaken. I always feel like I'm doing something terrible by not talking to someone. Maybe I'm not. It's not as though they're personal calls from people asking for help. I very rarely get personal calls. They're usually from people who want my money.

Of course you helped, Regumika. I think you're right about love. Every individual is different, so every relationship will be different. It's difficult not to feel it's okay for other people and not okay for me, but that doesn't mean I'm right. I think maybe I do make my fiance feel useful. He says he likes looking after me and feeling like he really matters, but he also says I look after him. He says he got ill a lot more when he was on his own. I think he has more balanced meals now.

I love that quote. I do want to be a better person for him and the girls. He says I'm a good mum, but even if that's true, it doesn't count because I have to be a good mum tomorrow and the next day and every day.

I don't know how to do voice chat and video chat, I think I need extra software. But it would be nice to IM when I've been here for a bit longer. Though it's taken me about half an hour to write this post, so I'm not sure I'm managing that well! But it's not bad considering I've only been here three days.

 

[Regumika]

being a good mom is not easy. keep it up. im still waiting patiently for my time to be a parent =)

there are several popular voice/video software. Skype, yahoo! messenger, and google has its built in one (sorta, you need to install a plug-in). Though skype is probably your best bet. but, until that time.

just always remember the reason you live, and reasons to try. for him. for your girls. try, and keep trying. rejoice in successes.

 

[Tuppence]

I'm sure your chance to be a parent will come, Regumika. It's very, very hard. Heartbreaking at times. Infuriating at others. But so, so, so worth it. So much happiness and pride and just...wonder. It's hard to believe they're part of me.

I've heard of skype, that does seem to be the one most people use and it seems to be connected to hotmail, which I have.

The girls came home today. So glad they're home. It's silly, but I keep looking at them. Not because I'm worried especially, though in a way I'm always worried. I just want to see them. Are all parents as soppy as me?

 

[ladyforsaken]

The girls came home today. So glad they're home. It's silly, but I keep looking at them. Not because I'm worried especially, though in a way I'm always worried. I just want to see them. Are all parents as soppy as me?

I know I would be.