together out of convenience

[mimi low]

hi guys ...

uhm well i've been in a relationship with this guy for the past 6 years. we've been married for the last 3 of those 6 yrs but it's almost like we've already fallen out of love and all that is left is an empty marriage.

i've been in the uk for the past couple of yrs now, and i'm away from my whole family. my brothers do not speak to me because they did not approve of me getting married so young to a guy they weren't exactly fond of.
with hindsight, i realise their reasons. but i am quite attached to him and we are together out of convenience. he is extremely attached to me too.
i work full time ... i'm actually saving money for my studies. all my colleagues are way older than me and so we haven't really got many things in common. i don't drink, smoke, let alone do drugs. so it's very difficult for me to fit in with most of the people i know. my 'husband' doesn't share any of my interests (though at the beginning of our relationship, he pretended to be totally into the same things as me). we never go out. NEVER.

i've got a week off work right now ... and i spend all my time on my own. i do enjoy my own company, but i think i've reached my limit. i just feel real low now.

i want out of the relationship. but i don't know how to go about it. i'm lonely, but i don't know if i can cope completely on my own, if that makes sense. i've been with him since i was 16. i don't know if i know how to be alone. the thought of it scares me.

any kind of advice would do? or just knowing that someone understands
i'm sorry it got so long.

cheers

mimi low

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, you could sit him down and talk to him. Other than just walking out, there's really no other way. Maybe talk about it over a dinner. I suppose you could scream and shout and throw his things around, but that won't really solve much. I would just talk to him about how I was feeling and what I wanted to do.

 

[dead]

it seems like you should try and talk to him about it.

 

[mimi low]

Well, you could sit him down and talk to him. Other than just walking out, there's really no other way. Maybe talk about it over a dinner. I suppose you could scream and shout and throw his things around, but that won't really solve much. I would just talk to him about how I was feeling and what I wanted to do.

i forgot to mention that this relationship has grown to be quite mentally and emotionally abusive over the years. we have been through all the arguments already, i've sat him down and explained my point of view and feelings but he just doesn't seem to care. he has a very specific idea of how a woman should behave and what role she is meant to carry out as part of the couple. trust me, any woman would go totally mad and punch him at certain of the things he has dared say to me in the past.
i am just in that place where i've accepted that this is the way he is and i am making no attempt to change him. trust me, i have tried.
i do not get along with my in-laws at all, and he is adamant that when we return to our home country (possibly end of this year) we should live with his parents.
and also, his mom and him have tried (and he is still trying) to convince me to have a baby even though he knows i still have plans to complete my studies. and all my hard earned money that i intend to spend on uni fees... well, he has other plans for that money.

 

[Drama]

You should not give up your plans, make it CLEAAR that you are not planning to have a baby yet. You can try to convince him that it's not the time yet by communicating with him I mean talking to him in a specific way, a way which can lead him to undestand your point of view and accept it. I think it's the better way to have an agreement

 

[mimi low]

You should not give up your plans, make it CLEAAR that you are not planning to have a baby yet. You can try to convince him that it's not the time yet by communicating with him I mean talking to him in a specific way, a way which can lead him to undestand your point of view and accept it. I think it's the better way to have an agreement

i've told him a million times already that i don't want a baby NOW
thanks for the advice guys.
really, it's just nice to have people actually understand or at least sympathise with what i'm going through.
even my best friends don't bother taking the time to listen to me ... all they say is things like 'oh suck it in and deal with it, you're married to him now'.
divorce is quite the no-no where i come from.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe have a heart to heart talk with your husband.
Make a recomittment to your love life.
Start dating again...

Sometimes we lose track becuase of work, studies..etc
Keeping a balance of that is a difficult task for all couples.

Having time alone is healthy for a relationship.
Having friends is healthy for a relationship.

I did this for years in a relatiosnhip and it was one of the happiest and healthy moments in my life.
It takes work and a committment and the willingness from both party.
It also took time for my GF to adjust.....becuase life's challenges were separating us.
I simply put my foot down and said we're dating every thurday night..a gift night, a romantic night...come hell or high water.lol
The kid, work, fellowship, cleaning house, shoping blahh...blahh. Simply had to put on hold on thurday night...
No phone calls, no friends...just her and I getting our frreak us on or just taking simple strolls in the park together.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, you could sit him down and talk to him. Other than just walking out, there's really no other way. Maybe talk about it over a dinner. I suppose you could scream and shout and throw his things around, but that won't really solve much. I would just talk to him about how I was feeling and what I wanted to do.

i forgot to mention that this relationship has grown to be quite mentally and emotionally abusive over the years. we have been through all the arguments already, i've sat him down and explained my point of view and feelings but he just doesn't seem to care. he has a very specific idea of how a woman should behave and what role she is meant to carry out as part of the couple. trust me, any woman would go totally mad and punch him at certain of the things he has dared say to me in the past.
i am just in that place where i've accepted that this is the way he is and i am making no attempt to change him. trust me, i have tried.
i do not get along with my in-laws at all, and he is adamant that when we return to our home country (possibly end of this year) we should live with his parents.
and also, his mom and him have tried (and he is still trying) to convince me to have a baby even though he knows i still have plans to complete my studies. and all my hard earned money that i intend to spend on uni fees... well, he has other plans for that money.

Well, then all I can suggest is for you is to leave. Seems like he wants what he wants, and he doesn't care anything about what you want at all. Selfish people need to stay by themselves. Although he might see it as you being selfish for not wanting a baby right now, he doesn't realize that if you have a child when you don't want to have one, you as a mother have a lower chance of connection with that baby. A mother-child bond is like no other.

Personally, I'd leave. I wouldn't live with someone I didn't get along with either. Spend the money on your schooling fees. Once it's done, it's done, and if he throws a fit, then oh well. If finishing school is important to you, then it should be important to you too.

 

[mimi low]

@ lonesome CROW: thank you for the reply. well, there was a period when things were going really bad and we just timed out and tried to reconnect. and you know, for a while it worked. things were great, he was so sweet to me etc etc... but then he went back to being his usual self. he only changed for a heartbeat because i'd said that if he carried on like this, i would leave him. but he obviously didn't take THAT seriously :|
i've been through all the motions. and i really think (unless he becomes the guy i supposedly fell in love with) that i can't take it anymore.

@ VanillaCreme: thanks for replying too. it means a lot. well, one of the other reasons why i don't wanna have a baby now is because HE's not ready for it either! i think he's just tryna tie me down! at least that's what my dad thinks.
see, he's in his last year of uni, and hasn't even got a stable job and back home, we haven't even got our own place. how can i go back home with a baby, no job, and no place of our own?
at least i'm thinking with my head while he is only tryna act out his hidden agenda :S

sigh. i've always been a loner. i guess i'll just have to kick myself and learn how to take care of myself without a relationship.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, maybe he wants some stability in his life. Having a child is something no one can ever take from you. However, having a baby when you're not ready, in any sense, will not solve that. It will just be something else that needs to be cared for. There's a lot that comes with having a baby. It's not as simple as people think. And it's expensive, and it takes more than just money and objects to raise a child. It takes emotional and mental commitment, and a lot of effort. And if you feel like he's not ready, on top of you not wanting one know, should tell him something.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I cannot relate to this because I do not have a wife. However, at one point there was a connection. Why not try and figure out what that was. In a manner of speaking restart your relationship. You are different people now. Maybe you have more in common with him then you think.

Then again if you already feel this way, well it may be best to just leave him.

 

[Badjedidude]

In my honest opinion...it sounds like he duped you, mimi low. I'm going to go ahead and assume that he's a bit older than you...am I right? It often turns out that way.

I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like he tricked you and now he's got you right where he wants you. He might even be trying to fool himself into thinking that he loves you....but chances are that he's only ever been using you. *shrug* That's just my honest opinion...and I could be wrong.

Since you say that you've already tried to talk to him about it, I'd advise that you should start trying to find a way out. Make your plans, save some money, and find a way to get away from him...because if this relationship is bringing you down, then you can't let yourself go down with it. *HUG* I hope everything works out.

If you want to chat about it or anything, feel free to PM me or whatever. Good luck.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I agree with Badjedidude, just bide your time, and get out. Play it safe, it is better to be safe over sorry.

 

[arkitek4]

Relationships are all meant to be tiring, it gets more problematic when you get hitched and with kids. Do you think it will change if say you change partners? no it won't, it will be just another problem. You are not alone here Sis, I know I too have problems of my own with a woman who is likened to a pail of water, no matter how much water you fill it always seems to be half full.

The beauty of of life is not so much as the good parts but also the bad parts, nothing is perfect, and nothing is final.

 

[mimi low]

@ VanillaCreme: you are right about the implications of having a baby, but unfortunately, he just doesn't seem to see it in that way. i think to him, it's just another way of tying me down.

@ AFrozenSoul: i see what you mean about the connection thing ... but i did have to become extremely passive and submissive in that time to be able to relate to him in the way he wants. so really, it was just me trying to be something i'm not. and he seemed quite happy when i was that person :S

@ Badjedidude: yes, he's 4 years older than me. and somehow, he thinks that that makes him the mature one. thank you so much for your honest opinion.

arkitek4: thank you. i draw strength from knowing that i am not the only person going through this kind of situation.

i have mulled it over for a very long time now, and with the help of insight from you guys... i feel that i know what option i'm picking. like afrozensoul and badjedidude suggested ... i'm just gonna hang in there, bide my time and then get out.

thank you so much guys for taking the time to read me and give me your precious input. even if my problem is not instantly going to be solved, i at least feel much clearer in my head. :'

*hugs to all*

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@ AFrozenSoul: i see what you mean about the connection thing ... but i did have to become extremely passive and submissive in that time to be able to relate to him in the way he wants. so really, it was just me trying to be something i'm not. and he seemed quite happy when i was that person :S

i have mulled it over for a very long time now, and with the help of insight from you guys... i feel that i know what option i'm picking. like afrozensoul and badjedidude suggested ... i'm just gonna hang in there, bide my time and then get out.

thank you so much guys for taking the time to read me and give me your precious input. even if my problem is not instantly going to be solved, i at least feel much clearer in my head. :'

*hugs to all*

I am glad I could help clear out your head.

I will say that the people we are with change us. Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. I lost someone because I did not think about my feelings or hers. I was simply happy with what we had, and now she is gone. So always take two steps back when you are with someone, that is what I learned. Step back and see what you have.

Anyway good luck with getting out of this relationship. I am not sure what UK law dictates, but make sure you put your savings into a separate account that is yours and yours alone. That way your future ex cannot take half the money.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, why didn't he just pick someone who was submissive.... Instead of picking someone who wasn't and trying to make them that way... Doesn't make sense. I wouldn't pick a guy and try to make him a certain way he wasn't. It's too much effort to try and change someone else.

 

[coricopat]

i forgot to mention that this relationship has grown to be quite mentally and emotionally abusive over the years......he has a very specific idea of how a woman should behave and what role she is meant to carry out as part of the couple..

get the fresia out now. don't waste time worrying about his feelings, just get out.

going it on your own is absolutely terrifying at first, but once you know you CAN make it on your own, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

 

[Mike Moose]

I knew someone who was with a guy purely because she didn't want to go back to a empty home..shame she didn't decide to go solo for awhile we got along OK..She let me know that she was interested but I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up a couple..bad ju-ju if you know what I mean.
I suppose some people are like monkeys.They won't let go of one branch 'till they've got hold of another..

 

[cpd0713]

whatever you decide is your business, but....my suggestion....do not, under any circumstances, bring a child into this mixed up relationship. it will not be fair to a helpless child to deal with the unhappiness and concerns of you two. so sorry for what you are going through. after three children, i made the sad decision to leave my husband and their father. parents go on...children are effected for the rest of their lives. please appreciate my experience in this. if i had a crystal ball when i started having children and knew i was probably not going to end up with their father, i would never have had children. and believe me, my children are the world to me.