Venting- I keep promising myself

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CenotaphGirl

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Its 4am… perfect time for a vent… no need to comment this is just my inner thoughts… at least they are documented.

I keep promising myself a better tomorrow yet… days are well… no better than the last. My relationship with my nazi hitler “mother” is trash… my dad is dead and alas… life is crap. I wanna bring him back I cant cope… The more I miss him the more I deeply wanna salvage whatevers left of my relationship to that evil bitch… always ends up bad so why dont I just let it go?… why cant I seem to get on with my life motherless? Not having parents, is the only thing I cry about… nothing else. And thats saying a lot considering the shit i’ve been through. No one gets in and under my skin like my mothers… bio and adopted.

So why? I am often hated and I do try to explain its a position im very used to. I try to explain women accused me of flirting with their husbands as a child, my mum left me in rooms with men alone… on purpose. Whatever happend would be my fault, too promiscuous I suppose. Its funny as that trope has never really left me… whatever happens to me is down to my behaviour, aside from the attack no one was that cold to say that… I bet… they thought it though… typical Ceno… flirting with random guys and not giving it up, what did she think would happen? Silly girl. Brain damage a stutter and a wrecked life is what will happen… be nicer next time, not too nice, dont smile, smile… just be normal and stop?? What? Took the men to admit they didnt know me, took the men to say I didnt do anything, the words of my attackers… saved me from further judgement. Imagine a world… thank you?

I am just rambling but im really low right now, could do with a drink or two… could do with a mother… to tell me im okay… to tell me I wasnt birthed just to feel so bloody *********… money lifestyle looks well these things mean a lot to me, but the thing about me that no one ever really notices is… a sense of family means the most to me. I have worked so hard to pull my life together… yet… anything can trigger me straight back to being that child everyone hated. She didnt deserve it… adult me… thats different, I deserve what I get.
 
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