Very turned off by on-line dating and even scared of it.

[TheSkaFish]

Eh, it's more like, I want someone who is different. There's a lot of "sameness" with these people that I find. For example, I browsed again just now. I searched by interest, "Star Wars" and even found a girl who lives a couple towns away who claims it is her favorite movie. But....I keep thinking of that one girl who I used to know who liked all the same stuff I liked. She was also really smart and philosophical and adventurous and creative. Being around her would have pushed me to be more awesome myself, who knows what experiences and stories we could have created. By contrast, this person I found today is just a normal person who happens to have an interest I have, just another face in the crowd. Just someone you'd find in any bar anywhere. It's not the same. Those other girls I met a few years ago would have inspired me to expand and evolve, but with the girls I've found around here, I would contract. I would continue to be lazy, because there would be no need to be more than that. I wouldn't be inspired go where I want to go, do the things I want to do, have the conversations and experiences I want to have with such a person. I want someone extraordinary, but it looks like I had my chance and missed.

 

[painter's radio]

Maybe then it can be reversed and it is you who will push this Star Wars nerd to be the things you wish someone else would push you to be. Then you will be on the same sort of wavelength in terms of how amazingly awesome you both are. Then, from there, you continue to develop new interests together and both of you end up as the people you're dreaming of.

Perhaps that is just a crazy dream though. I think I relate to your situation a lot more than I let on. I look around and everyone has the same haircut, the same fake hair colour, all their pictures are them covered in makeup ready to go out for a "lush nite in town wiv m8's" - they're all very "safe", no real identities of their own just clones. Then there are a lot of the exact opposite - trying so hard to be alternative that these days "alternative" actually means "generic": ooh look at me so alternative with my tattoos and piercings! I am like so totally different! I have nothing against tattoos or piercings, just the culture of it really. You're not different for having them, you're actually in the majority now. Sometimes I think of shaving my beard off because bloody Hipsters have almost ruined the beard (I had a beard before it was cool!) but then I remember I don't care. And it possibly makes my stupid face look less round.

blah blah something about needles in haystacks.

Where do you want to go?
What things do you want to do?

You should include these things on your profile. There are no doubt many people out there with dull profiles, or rather, important information missed out. You know why 90% (obviously made-up number) of profiles start off with "Well, I'm quite bad at filling in these things. I mean, how am I supposed to define myself into a small box?" It's because it can be a bit tricky to say EVERYTHING about you in one box. The profiles are often just small ads for a much deeper person behind it. But of course really boring people will have nothing to put there, and the more interesting people will have more to put there.
I see loads of girls in the UK that fit your description - smart, philosophical, creative etc. Hundreds of them. Well, a bunch of them.

I get it, you want someone awesome to spend quality time with, a PERSON, not a "girlfriend" that you watch TV, go to the bar, and occassionally have sex with.

Hey at the very least you might make a cool friend to watch Sci-Fi films with!

 

[jjessea]

Um, I'd like a chic to watch tv with, go to the bar with, and have sex with. Wouldn't be occasional though if I had anything to say about it.

 

[painter's radio]

mm yeah it wasn't the best of examples for getting my point across but I'm running on minimal sleep. Let's rephrase to "something less mundane"

 

[Triple Bogey]

they would have to pay me to use a online dating site !
Pile of shite, all of them !

 

[LordofLosers]

IMO... online dating is for shallow people only... just my observation here...

 

[ShybutHi]

IMO... online dating is for shallow people only... just my observation here...

Well obviously that isn't entirely true, there are loads of people of all types, looks and personalities on them. I would certainly agree if you said a large majority of people on them are quite shallow with regards to who they will actually message or respond to though.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

IMO... online dating is for shallow people only... just my observation here...

Not necessarily but on-line dating can make you shallow. When you only see a still picture and a written profile you have limited access to feeling the chemistry. I don't feel attracted to 99% of the people on line, so any time I agree to meet one of them, I'm taking a chance just to find out if might feel any chemistry in person. 99% of the time the answer is no.

 

[LonelySutton]

For me the problem is the way online dating is set up. I can't get a sense of someone from a photo and a profile. If they are good looking I might be attracted but wonder why they are on such a site. If they are just regular looking it literally feels like randomly picking someone with almost no real reason.

For me the better way to go would be some sort of a message board thing without photos. Typically I get to know the person and almost anything they look like is fine by me if I like them already. But dating sites are the other way around. You see the photo first and then you are expected to get to know them.

Why isn't there even one dating site like this? It is crazy how they are all the same.

 

[jjessea]

For me the better way to go would be some sort of a message board thing without photos. Typically I get to know the person and almost anything they look like is fine by me if I like them already. But dating sites are the other way around. You see the photo first and then you are expected to get to know them.

Why isn't there even one dating site like this? It is crazy how they are all the same.

That sounds like a good idea to me, I was actually thinking the same thing earlier today; about creating a dating forum. Create your profile, upload a pic, select your location, and start in on the topics. Whatever suits your interests, anything appropriate goes, and let the getting to know someone start from there.

 

[VeganAtheist]

Eh, it's more like, I want someone who is different. There's a lot of "sameness" with these people that I find. For example, I browsed again just now. I searched by interest, "Star Wars" and even found a girl who lives a couple towns away who claims it is her favorite movie. But....I keep thinking of that one girl who I used to know who liked all the same stuff I liked. She was also really smart and philosophical and adventurous and creative. Being around her would have pushed me to be more awesome myself, who knows what experiences and stories we could have created. By contrast, this person I found today is just a normal person who happens to have an interest I have, just another face in the crowd. Just someone you'd find in any bar anywhere. It's not the same. Those other girls I met a few years ago would have inspired me to expand and evolve, but with the girls I've found around here, I would contract. I would continue to be lazy, because there would be no need to be more than that. I wouldn't be inspired go where I want to go, do the things I want to do, have the conversations and experiences I want to have with such a person. I want someone extraordinary, but it looks like I had my chance and missed.

How do you know that this person is just normal? Did you try to contact her? Have you gone out on a date with her? Or are you just making an assumption?
If you are basing it on her profile, what if she was just really honeysuckle at making profiles?
How do you know if people are all the same if you never give them a chance?

I don't mean to be rude but I notice this a lot with a lot of your comments. You talk about a certain type of person you are looking for and how few there are. It seems to me that you dismiss a lot of people from the start, leaving yourself with few options but to be alone. Could you be sabotaging yourself?
The thing is... humans aren't unique. We are all pretty much the same. There are likely many, many women out there that would satisfy your tastes. To quote from a movie I don't particularly like, "Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
No one is special. We are all pretty much the same.

Lastly, if you want to really test OkCupid, fill out your profile and answer 100 or so questions. Look for your highest matches. Doing this random search for keywords isn't going to get you any useful results.

 

[TheSkaFish]

How do you know that this person is just normal? Did you try to contact her? Have you gone out on a date with her? Or are you just making an assumption?
If you are basing it on her profile, what if she was just really honeysuckle at making profiles?
How do you know if people are all the same if you never give them a chance?

I don't mean to be rude but I notice this a lot with a lot of your comments. You talk about a certain type of person you are looking for and how few there are. It seems to me that you dismiss a lot of people from the start, leaving yourself with few options but to be alone. Could you be sabotaging yourself?
The thing is... humans aren't unique. We are all pretty much the same. There are likely many, many women out there that would satisfy your tastes. To quote from a movie I don't particularly like, "Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
No one is special. We are all pretty much the same.

Lastly, if you want to really test OkCupid, fill out your profile and answer 100 or so questions. Look for your highest matches. Doing this random search for keywords isn't going to get you any useful results.

It's okay, I don't think you are being rude. Actually, her profile was very well filled out. I have not talked to her nor have I gone on a date with her. But I could tell that I would only think of her as just normal by the way she presented herself. Her interests, the way she wrote about herself. I could get a sense of her character. And it was, like I said - a normal person, who happened to have an interest in common with me.

I just really know what I want in someone, after years of not knowing or even thinking such a girl existed. And they really are that rare. Uniqueness is a trait I'm looking for - not to be confused with a "rebel", I think that's kind of dumb. But uniqueness. Someone who doesn't fit a "type", someone who isn't just one thing like most people are but has interests all over the place. Someone who pushes me to bring out my best and enjoy life as much as possible, someone who lives on a higher level and makes me climb up with them.

I think there are plenty of girls that I could be okay with, sure. But I want to be more than just okay with someone. I want to be with someone that I feel is nothing short of exceptional.

 

[hye345]

How do you know that this person is just normal? Did you try to contact her? Have you gone out on a date with her? Or are you just making an assumption?
If you are basing it on her profile, what if she was just really honeysuckle at making profiles?
How do you know if people are all the same if you never give them a chance?

I don't mean to be rude but I notice this a lot with a lot of your comments. You talk about a certain type of person you are looking for and how few there are. It seems to me that you dismiss a lot of people from the start, leaving yourself with few options but to be alone. Could you be sabotaging yourself?
The thing is... humans aren't unique. We are all pretty much the same. There are likely many, many women out there that would satisfy your tastes. To quote from a movie I don't particularly like, "Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
No one is special. We are all pretty much the same.

Lastly, if you want to really test OkCupid, fill out your profile and answer 100 or so questions. Look for your highest matches. Doing this random search for keywords isn't going to get you any useful results.

It's okay, I don't think you are being rude. Actually, her profile was very well filled out. I have not talked to her nor have I gone on a date with her. But I could tell that I would only think of her as just normal by the way she presented herself. Her interests, the way she wrote about herself. I could get a sense of her character. And it was, like I said - a normal person, who happened to have an interest in common with me.

I just really know what I want in someone, after years of not knowing or even thinking such a girl existed. And they really are that rare. Uniqueness is a trait I'm looking for - not to be confused with a "rebel", I think that's kind of dumb. But uniqueness. Someone who doesn't fit a "type", someone who isn't just one thing like most people are but has interests all over the place. Someone who pushes me to bring out my best and enjoy life as much as possible, someone who lives on a higher level and makes me climb up with them.

I think there are plenty of girls that I could be okay with, sure. But I want to be more than just okay with someone. I want to be with someone that I feel is nothing short of exceptional.

Well, there's nothing wrong with aiming high. However, since you demand so much from someone you could see yourself dating (let alone a long-term mate), let me ask you this: what exactly would you bring to the table? What is it about you that would attract such a 'unique' person?

If you haven't already, give this article a good honest read:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

You seem to have composed an image of your 'dream' girl in your head. However, it seems to me that you view most people you meet as one-dimensional stereotypical cartoon characters. This alone tells me that you don't exactly have a lot of long-term experience with people, since the majority of people are summed up by more than a single trait or characteristic. Unless you are willing to give more people a chance beyond first impressions, you will stay jaded and inexperienced. Then, if by some miracle you actually meet a girl who you think is up to your standards, how do you think you'll come across? Will it be as the confident and realistic individual with real-world dating experience under his belt, and thus can anticipate common obstacles and has realistic standards? Or will it be as someone who is going through uncharted waters, and thus begins to doubt himself with every step? Think about which image of you your dream girl would want to see.

 

[jjessea]

If you haven't already, give this article a good honest read:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

Thx for the link

 

[NeverSunset]

I'm on OK Cupid. I don't like it. I want to get off that site. I'll either do it myself or wait for the one who is going to take me off that site by removing me from the singles "market" whichever comes first. I get too many stupid messages from very young men who want to hook up with an older woman. And I'm not flattered. I'm turned off by the fact that it takes so much courage to give total strangers on the internet a chance, and that feeling of "Are you serious? I'm supposed to give out my phone number and accept dates blindly with complete strangers without any trust?" In fact, I feel like a scared rabbit.

While I am aware that there are so many men on OK Cupid for one reason and one reason only, to get laid without a relationship I am also on there for one reason and one reason only but a different one. I'm there in case of the rare possibility that I might be one of the occasional on-line success stories, one of the small percentage of users (I don't know what that is) who actually met someone special on-line. Like my former co-worker, now face book friend who met her husband on OK Cupid and is happily married. But if it is unlikely to happen then I would like to delete my account. I am just afraid that if I do it I'll shrink my dating options to almost zero because it is really hard for me to meet people, as much as I try to put myself out there into the world.

Does anyone have any knowledge about the likelihood of meeting someone special on OK Cupid based on others experiences or if you know people who were successful or had nothing but bad luck or just nothing at all? Is it even worth it for me to stay on there?

I'm there and the possibility off that is very low. I mean, you have to be very lucky to find someone who really want to find love or whatever you call it. I myself am there, but I don't message or "dirty" talk to any girl out there, and I know they're not interested in me, and I believe the possibility to find someone special is close to none. So I'm just there to well... having fun. By having fun I mean, I like to see new people even if they won't message me. I find it...interesting.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Well, there's nothing wrong with aiming high. However, since you demand so much from someone you could see yourself dating (let alone a long-term mate), let me ask you this: what exactly would you bring to the table? What is it about you that would attract such a 'unique' person?

Well, you got me - I'm not that great. I'm not that interesting. At least not right now anyway. That's probably part of my problem. I want more than I deserve.

If you haven't already, give this article a good honest read:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

You seem to have composed an image of your 'dream' girl in your head. However, it seems to me that you view most people you meet as one-dimensional stereotypical cartoon characters. This alone tells me that you don't exactly have a lot of long-term experience with people, since the majority of people are summed up by more than a single trait or characteristic. Unless you are willing to give more people a chance beyond first impressions, you will stay jaded and inexperienced. Then, if by some miracle you actually meet a girl who you think is up to your standards, how do you think you'll come across? Will it be as the confident and realistic individual with real-world dating experience under his belt, and thus can anticipate common obstacles and has realistic standards? Or will it be as someone who is going through uncharted waters, and thus begins to doubt himself with every step? Think about which image of you your dream girl would want to see.

Actually I have read that article before, in relation to another subject but it still holds true. That's the trouble - I don't have a whole lot to give. I have a lot of long-term experience with family and I have had the same circle of friends for years. But zero relationship experience.

I can certainly see how lack of experience is a problem if/when I do get an audience with the ones I actually want to date. But I don't really have the motivation to go out with people that I know I would drop as soon as I can get the ones I really want. It's like, I know I'm only there putting in time. Idk. It's not the best situation.

 

[blackdot]

I think many of those sites are crocks of honeysuckle. OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish... I'll never understand why people actually use them.

They use them as a way to try meeting people.

I used them up until I was too old to date and then stopped. Met a lot of people, but pretty much all of them had no interest in dating anyone.

 

[TheSkaFish]

That Cracked article pretty much hit the nail on the head. I read it a long time ago but read it again.

"How many of you are walking around right now saying, "She/he would love me if she/he only knew what an interesting person I am!" Really? How do all of your interesting thoughts and ideas manifest themselves in the world? What do they cause you to do? If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw? Remember, they can't read your mind -- they can only observe. Would they want to be a part of that life?"

This is exactly what's wrong with me - I have a lot of ideas but something has made me scared of action. As a result, I'm a guy whose main activity has been internet surfing. My ideas have manifested very little. Though I can talk to them, if my dream girls had a camera and followed me around, they would be very unimpressed and bored. Yea, this is definitely the problem. I can't really blame them for not being here.

I still hate the image douchebags they wind up with and think I could be better than them someday but man....I'm really in the hole here. I just hope I can still turn it around.

 

[jjessea]

"If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw?"

Horrified and disgusted would likely be the reaction. Before I started posting here a couple weeks ago I was up to some weird honeysuckle when I wasn't working. Then of course work is often nothing but weird honeysuckle.

Posting here is helping me avoid my vices...

 

[Batman55]

I have read that Cracked.com article before, and I think it exaggerates/distorts the truth of things in the other direction: "You're just crap and you'll never get anywhere, until you do something amazing and your confidence is sky high and everyone knows it." That's not going to fit, or work, for the majority of people. Articles like that in my opinion can even be harmful for those still struggling with confidence/self-esteem.

The flip side of it is "You're fine as you are, you don't need to try much, what you're looking for will probably just fall into your lap, etc". Not helpful thinking either, but I think it's healthier than just going to the other extreme and beating yourself up for not being able to accomplish "great things," etc.