Weak will, getting pushed around

[the-alchemist]

Arghhh, im really frustrated. Recently I've noticed that my will is so ******* weak. And now, there have been some events(that i do not wish to disclose), where my weak will has cost me dearly in terms of both money and social aspects. I don't know, it seems that if one person pushes me enough he/she can get me to do anything they want.

I sorta feel as if my 'no' doesn't mean anything to people. I always have this ******* instinct that I need to please everybody and put other peoples' needs before mine.

I really wanna have a stronger will, I wanna be more firm. I just wish I could stop taking honeysuckle from people. I dunno, I just try to be good-natured to people but I've noticed that this world has way too many ********. I gotta be more firm somehow.

Any suggestions?

 

[Tiina63]

I have the same problem and it has destroyed so much of my life. I think that you have to develop more confidence, more self belief, so that you accept that you have as much right as anybody else to have your voice heard. Also, if possible, stay away from those who would impose their ways onto you.

 

[paulo]

funny thing is,
most people dont really care if you say no.
they just move on try something else, ask someone else or just do it them selfs.
you dont have to become an ass or anything, just say no.
if they keep pushing put on your angry face and say it again
if they still dont get it theyre just rude and prob not verry nice, not really worth worrying about.

just keep in mind why youre saying no.
if youre scared or something else is holding you back you might want to rethink your no.
sacrefising a little to help someone, i think is a good thing sometimes.
but getting used isnt.
just take care of yourself, protect yourself if needed.

and say no to yourself too, no to saying yes all the time.

 

[Callie]

funny thing is,
most people dont really care if you say no.
they just move on try something else, ask someone else or just do it them selfs.
you dont have to become an ass or anything, just say no.
if they keep pushing put on your angry face and say it again
if they still dont get it theyre just rude and prob not verry nice, not really worth worrying about.

just keep in mind why youre saying no.
if youre scared or something else is holding you back you might want to rethink your no.
sacrefising a little to help someone, i think is a good thing sometimes.
but getting used isnt.
just take care of yourself, protect yourself if needed.

and say no to yourself too, no to saying yes all the time.

I agree with paulo on this one.
Also, they probably come to you because they KNOW they can get you to do what they want. Respect yourself to say no, MEAN it and don't let people walk all over you like that. It's not really worth it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I agree with Callie's agree with Paulo.

You can't please everyone, and can't always be there for everyone. Sometimes you have to say no. Those who want to use you as their personal doormat aren't worth your time and energy anyway. Cutting that kind of crap from your life won't make you an ass, it makes an ass of those who use you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Guilt....work on your Feelings of guilt.
Keep a guilt diary for a little while.
Wheather you play them or other people play on your guilt emotions.
I got this suggestion from a book.

You can also try reading up on codependency.
It covers a lot about bending over backward and being a doormate.
Lot and lots of mental and emotional manipulations happens in toxic relationships.
Lots of blameshifting and smoke screens. Lots of personal attacks. Lots of spins.

Its kind of like Stockhalm syndrom. Some people are very manipulative.

In social situations...you're sense of belonging or being a part of will get messed with.
Kind of like a fucken riot will get started just by a few people..then a mob takes over
even if it's unhealthy and all messed up.
Thats why grandmother say..."Are ya gonna jump of the fucken bridge just becuase
everyone else dose too?"

Sometimes it got really harshed. Especailly at first when I started taking
myself out of the victim role. No dosnt mean No to abusive people.
My step father is a crazy alki. He would nit pick me and conner me (isolate)
I started standing up to him and bascailly told him to fresia OFF...BACK THE fresia OFF.
My body was shaking all over....becuase so much guilt came over me for yelling
at my father. Yet, he was my abuser.
HONOR THY FATHER and MOTHER....FATHER KNOWS BEST.
TRUN THE OTHER CHEEK....
Will honeysuckle..verses like that from bible fucks me up. And I was raised Christian.
A couple of rounds of that with him. I would go into a major depression for days
to weeks.

Then later i started noticing a bunch of other ******** that dosnt know
what bonderies are. Started tell those ******** to back the fresia off
and get out of my personal space. Treat me nice or GTFO...
I felt lots of guilt becuase Im not a mean hateful person.

Then I started to not give beggers, bums on the street money.
****...some of those people got really mean and some started
to play on my guilt feelings. Telling i dont care...god this..god that...ect
I was like ..BACK THE fresia OFF and fresia YOU!!!!!
Mostly alcoholics....

I dont have to do that so much anymore.
In personal relationships...It's work in progress.
Sarah dosnt play with my emotions much.
Im very selective whom I let into my life at the moment.

One of my exgf use to tell me she wants this..she wants that
while I was fucken her..lmao
Id say..."anything you want Honey" while Im having an orgaism.lmao
It was a joke...becuase we all know. Women use sex as a weapon, control and manipulations.
Sometimes withholding love or love stravations to control and manipulate.
Straight up out of the AA big book. Lots of alcoholic becomes manipiltive, control freaks and abusive
selffish self centered self absorbing people.

Slowly over a perior of time my mind and body process those guilty feelings.
I also use the sedona methode to help me LET GO of guilt feelings...
Becuase i was bascially reactiing to my guilty feelings...
Guilt is a trainned emotional response.
Guilt is also a master tool of a manipulator.

I also read a book call
Who's pushing your buttons...

 

[AdamGoldman]

@Alchemist,
I suggest using the "so what" system - coined and
phrased by yours truly - to dig a lil' deeper.

There's a reason you feel this URGE to PLEASE.

Ask yourself what will happen if you won't
agree to a request.

Whatever answer you tell yourself, ask
again, "so what?"

keep doing that until you get to the CORE reason.

This lil' drill requires lowering ego defenses
tho it ******* rocks when it works!

 

[floffyschneeman]

people, even the ones you think who wouldn't likely to take advantage of your weakness, or the ones whom you think who understand your feelings better will always take advantage when at the right instance that they'd need to. I agree with what others have said. I guess what I can add is that... think of yourself as someone else as well. as a friend perhaps. Like how you think of others. Cos when you say yes to someone even when you don't want to, even when you know that person is taking advantage of you, you are putting yourself down, in a situation that you don't want to be in. You neglect yourself just like you have neglected a friend. I hope this thought can help as well.

 

[AdamGoldman]

@fluffy,
I like that spin of perspective. Very cool idea man.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

I second reading more on codependency. It manifests itself in so many ways, and feeling "weak-willed" is one of them (powerless over allowing others to control you). Anything by Melody Beattie is great. Another suggestion that has worked for me is to uncover my thought patterns. I found that I have a "victim mentality". For this I was recommended "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Dr. W.W. Dyer, which is fantastic! It's all about how effective assertion, and how to stop being a victim. Some chapter titles, to give you an idea of the contents:"Operating from Strength", "Never Place Loyalty to Institutions and Things Above Loyalty to Yourself", "Teaching Others How You Want to be Treated", and "Being Creatively Alive in Every Situation." Those suggestions have given me hope, and I definitely notice a difference in how I feel.

 

[roguewave]

If you have people pleaser written all over you, then you're going to be a magnet to ********. People who are more introverted, quiet, unsure of themselves and quirky are more likely to be viewed as prey. These characteristics describe me and you should see how many manipulative ******** I attract. You've got to learn to identify them and to play their game. You should see how, after one flocks to me and I tell them "no" and refuse to let them practice their manipulating ways on me, they get "zomg face!!!!11!!!" Like, "how DARE you stand up for yourself and don't bend to my will." You'll know you bagged a manipulative one because they will leave you promptly, once they realize you have nothing to offer them.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

You should see how, after one flocks to me and I tell them "no" and refuse to let them practice their manipulating ways on me, they get "zomg face!!!!11!!!" Like, "how DARE you stand up for yourself and don't bend to my will." You'll know you bagged a manipulative one because they will leave you promptly, once they realize you have nothing to offer them.

Yes! And it took me a while to really get comfortable with standing up for myself. I felt like *I* was the one being rude for stating my boundaries, meanwhile they were the ones who were overstepping them, and I was taking responsibility for their rudeness. Over time, I'm learning to continue to figure out what these boundaries are. Practicing standing up for myself have led more enmeshed and insecure "friends" to leave, but I'm glad I don't have those emotional leeches in my life anymore, it was too exhausting. I felt so hollow and invisible.

As in everything, these things take time, and with practice, you will develop confidence in yourself.