Well, crud.

[Phedoiken]

For starters, I just want to make it clear, this isn't a pity party. I'm not after sympathy here, I know it'll get better in time, hell maybe even tommorow, I just need a clear head, and a forum to vent and some time.

I found out today that my brother is getting engaged. This in itself is not a problem, but the timing couldn't be worse for me. I had just started to turn my life around, I was leaving the house more, starting to work out, getting ready for the BARB. But when I look at the grand scheme of things, his life compared to mine (I know I shouldn't do that) I can't help but feel depressed. He's only two years older than me, and he's almost done university, he's got some good job prospects for when he's done school, and now this, one of the ultimate tests of responsibility (save having a child), I'm sitting here, unemployed with only a high school, and it pisses me off. I'm not mad at him but myself, I sort of feel like a failure, but at the same time I'm hoping that this will give me the determination I need to better myself. It can go one of two ways from here, and I hope its the more positive way.

If you read this and have made it this far, I'm impressed by your determination. I need some cheese now.

 

[Sci-Fi]

That's good you are finding inspiration in your brother, just don't let it turn into a competition.

 

[Stephanie]

Phedoiken, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was, for lack of a better term, the black sheep of my family. For the longest time, my family all had these great jobs, making at least $50k+ per year and I was working dead end jobs barely able to make ends meet. I could not get it together. I struggled trying to better myself, compared myself to them wondering why the hell I couldn't be like they were. I admired their comfortable homes, their families (if they were married/had kids) and wondered what the hell I was doing wrong. Over and over, they reassured me; 'We don't expect you to be like us. It just takes time. You will have what you want someday.'

For a long time, I felt they were just making excuses for me so they wouldn't have to call me a loser. It never occurred to me that they never thought that because that's how I thought about myself. Slowly, over time, things fell into place. I had stumbled across an ad in a newspaper for a job with an insurance company. They were holding a seminar and invited me for an interview afterward. I told my husband, "I need a new dress. I want to do this." We immediately went shopping for suitable clothes. I got my hair done. My husband even drove me to the interview because, as he later told me, 'I was so impressed by how determined you were that I wanted to support you in any way I could.' He waited for me in the parking lot for almost 2 hours while I attended the seminar and interview and I walked out of it with a job offer. Following that, I took the online course to get my state license to be an insurance agent and I was off and running. I got my insurance producer's license; the great job with the insurance company and a new sense of self-respect in the bargain that I could do something like that. In the end, the insurance job didn't work out as it wasn't my true calling, but soon after I quit the insurance job, an old acquaintance I had once worked with called me up and said, "Hey, I work for a company that's short of medical transcriptionists and I remembered how good you were at it. Are you still interested in it and do you want a job? If so, we're desperate for help. I'm sure my boss would take a chance on you.'

The rest, as they say is history. I have the life I always thought I wanted. But I found that once I had achieved the life I thought I was supposed to want, it wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. Sure, I have a great job and I am proud of the work I do, but my life is pretty boring. It needs more excitement. I'm figuring out that what I thought I wanted was really someone else's vision of what we're all supposed to want - not what deep down we might actually need.

The moral of the story: don't compare yourself to anyone else. No one ever tells us that we don't have to live our lives according to what everyone else does. Maybe you're not meant to be married with 2.3 kids, a house with a picket fence and a nice car. Maybe those things won't make you happy. Maybe they will. Only you can figure that out. But don't feel like a loser because you don't have what your family members/friends have. Looking back, I realize my life was better when I didn't have the mortgage and the car payment and the responsibilities of those things weighing me down. But I didn't know that before. I know it now. You're not less than someone else because your life doesn't match theirs. March to your own drummer. You'll be happier for it.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Phedoiken -- I understand how you feel but something's missing (unless I missed it): Where is your happiness for your brother? I'd think that you'd at least mention that sentiment amongst your other comments. So, I ask you to reconsider if maybe you're not so much "depressed" as you are "resentful". IMO when we mask our feelings of resentment it's easy to turn them inwards against ourselves. So, rather than admit that you have a guilty resentment toward your brother it's possible your psyche's defense mechanism is operating in a negative way against yourself? Just some quick food for thought. LG

 

[Phedoiken]

Sci: I have no desire to turn it into a competition, our career plans are vastly different, and can by no means be compared, I'm trying to find inspiration from it, I just feel a little down today

Steph: That does make me feel a little better, thanks

LGH: Re-reading it, I realised I left it out, when I first found out, I was thrilled. I love my brother, and I'm glad to see him succeed and find a woman to make him happy in life. it was just one of those things, that made me step back and say honeysuckle, you better get on getting your life together.

I went for a walk, had a couple smokes, and phoned my mum, and I feel a little better now. The goal for me now, is to take this as incentive, I don't want to be like him, I don't want to be 'better' than him, I just want to pull myself together, and it was just starting to happen, I think I'll be alright, but like I said, I just needed to vent a little. I find it's better to let it out, than keep it in.

 

[VanillaCreme]

That's good you are finding inspiration in your brother, just don't let it turn into a competition.

My thoughts exactly. Also, don't be hard on yourself. My brother is married too, but I'm certainly in no rush to get a husband. You two are different people, so don't compare every aspect.