What are you thinking right now?

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I used to look forward to Christmas and then feel very down in January once it was over.
That feeling has gone. I had no real interest in Christmas and I don't feel down now.
 
If I only could focus on advancing my career, at least that would be a useful outlet, but he left me hurting financially that I can only hope to work just enough to keep treading water. It's going to be a long slow swim to shore.

Of course he's ignoring my texts asking when he's going to pay me the next installment. My guess: Half-past Never.

So filled with rage and disappointment today, I'm ******* choking on it.

YOU CAN NOT RELY ON ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. EVER.
 
I think I'll call and reschedule my appt again. School will likely be at least delayed and I'm not taking the kids out in that kind of cold if it is.
 
I would like to pm you and get to know you because i think you are great but i do not want to come on to strong and turn you off.
 
Edited.

I have since eaten and am full and feeling a little better. I am not quite as explosively angry as i was this morning, but still going through a hard time and unsure of how i'm going to get out. I would have liked to have had a little more understanding and support at home but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I have a couple more jobs to apply for, but it's just really frustrating. It's going to be hard to get a job anyway. My car would cost more to get running than it is worth, I basically can't use it anymore. So that limits me to where I can work, either in town or along the train. And now I have this food bullshit to deal with. I need one of these problems to go away so I can solve the other two. I don't know what I'm going to do if the temp agencies don't come through for me, and soon. I can't live like this for much longer. I have had hunger pains all day and I've barely been in control of my mood. I guess if worse comes to absolute worse, there is a friend I can live with. But he lives far away and there are zero decent-paying jobs in that town. My only prayer would be if I could land a job at the university, and hopefully get a discount on courses. I really don't think anything is going to get better for me until I get a master's. And that's only possible if I am working for a school.

I'm at complete rock bottom here. I don't see how it's going to get better.
 
As expected, today is truly hideously horrible. But is it so thanks to the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy because the day got off to such a bad start thanks to a crushing mixture of a misunderstanding and a preemptive quashing of the heart, or just was it destined to be bad all the way around?

And as expected, seeing her happy face, placated by lies, I want to shake some sense into her. I cannot even eat lunch with them today. They're already all concerned and making with "Oh no what's wrong today?!" But there's no way I can possibly explain. Not without coming totally apart at the seams. I am barely keeping it together as it is today.

I want the day to be over.
 
Sometimes I'm horribly superficial. But being aware of it and keeping it to myself doesn't make it any better, does it?
 

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