What do I do?

[SuzyQ]

So I am 36 years old, been married for 16 years with two wonderful children, both teens 15 and 16 who mean everything to me. I'm a successful Manager in the Company I work for and I'm in the final stages of completing my MBA.

I know my unhappiness stems from my marriage, my husband and I have simply grown apart. I was thrust into the role of being the breadwinner in the family early on in my marriage. When we got married he had a legitimate job - 5 years in he decided he wanted to try making it on his own - unfortunately 11 years later he is still trying. I have tried to be understanding, supportive and helpful but I believe there comes a time when you have to make a choice between trying to make it on your own and  providing/fulfilling the basic needs of your kids (who didn't ask to be here). It's called sacrifice. He is always working but at the same time he never manages to turn a profit on any of his jobs because he just can't run a job efficiently (he's a builder btw). Honestly, I have tried to help - after-all its what I do (Business Management- MBA in Financial Management!) but he's not receptive to my suggestions (I have trieed every technique - reverse psychology failed too).

I believe my unhappiness stems from my feelings of stress because of the financial burdens and because emotionally there is no support that my husband can provide as I view him as the reason for my unhappiness. I am not a materialistic person but I do place importance on being able to provide my children with a comfortable quality of life - it is what I have studied and worked so hard for and because of what I view as my husbands unwillingness to place family first and share in the responsibility of providing I am left with a daily struggle of making ends meet.

Recently I have been struggling with wanting to file for divorce. I've even broached the subject with our kids who amazingly don't hate me for it! My husband for all his shortcomings is not a bad person - he loves the kids, he just never sets time aside for them. The kids adore him though because he is not the disciplinarian and the rare times they do get with him are usually spent watching movies (while he falls asleep on the couch) or cracking really bad jokes. Meanwhile I get to be the teacher, jailer, doctor, punisher, lecturer etc.

I've spent the last 12 years supporting the family, financially and emotionally - I have given it my all. I think now I've reached my breaking point - I want someone who can be there for me - equal partners, maybe make me feel special ever so often. I don't have that. I know marriage is hard work and I'm willing to put in the time (I feel I have put in the time and effort) but its not a one way street and after all the talks and counselling we've had he keeps reverting to type and I have just come to a point where i just want it over.

I care about him as the father of my kids, but I don't love him as a wife should love her husband. I wish him all the best and I would still help him if he asked but I just want to move on with my life and hopefully find happiness again....at the same time I feel guilty for the hurt I know that such a decision to divorce will inflict on our family.

 I have alot of people who consider me a friend but there's no one I feel really close enough to that I can really talk to. Actually the closest people in the world to me other than my Kids are my mom (who I don't want to burden) and my younger sister (who is not really emotionally mature or able to relate to my struggles).

 I know I have really put myself out there by venting all of this on this forum but I will accept any sort of advice/opinion or comments.

 

[kamya]

So I am 36 years old, been married for 16 years with two wonderful children, both teens 15 and 16 who mean everything to me. I'm a successful Manager in the Company I work for and I'm in the final stages of completing my MBA.

I know my unhappiness stems from my marriage, my husband and I have simply grown apart. I was thrust into the role of being the breadwinner in the family early on in my marriage. When we got married he had a legitimate job - 5 years in he decided he wanted to try making it on his own - unfortunately 11 years later he is still trying. I have tried to be understanding, supportive and helpful but I believe there comes a time when you have to make a choice between trying to make it on your own and  providing/fulfilling the basic needs of your kids (who didn't ask to be here). It's called sacrifice. He is always working but at the same time he never manages to turn a profit on any of his jobs because he just can't run a job efficiently (he's a builder btw). Honestly, I have tried to help - after-all its what I do (Business Management- MBA in Financial Management!) but he's not receptive to my suggestions (I have trieed every technique - reverse psychology failed too).

I believe my unhappiness stems from my feelings of stress because of the financial burdens and because emotionally there is no support that my husband can provide as I view him as the reason for my unhappiness. I am not a materialistic person but I do place importance on being able to provide my children with a comfortable quality of life - it is what I have studied and worked so hard for and because of what I view as my husbands unwillingness to place family first and share in the responsibility of providing I am left with a daily struggle of making ends meet.

Recently I have been struggling with wanting to file for divorce. I've even broached the subject with our kids who amazingly don't hate me for it! My husband for all his shortcomings is not a bad person - he loves the kids, he just never sets time aside for them. The kids adore him though because he is not the disciplinarian and the rare times they do get with him are usually spent watching movies (while he falls asleep on the couch) or cracking really bad jokes. Meanwhile I get to be the teacher, jailer, doctor, punisher, lecturer etc.

I've spent the last 12 years supporting the family, financially and emotionally - I have given it my all. I think now I've reached my breaking point - I want someone who can be there for me - equal partners, maybe make me feel special ever so often. I don't have that. I know marriage is hard work and I'm willing to put in the time (I feel I have put in the time and effort) but its not a one way street and after all the talks and counselling we've had he keeps reverting to type and I have just come to a point where i just want it over.

I care about him as the father of my kids, but I don't love him as a wife should love her husband. I wish him all the best and I would still help him if he asked but I just want to move on with my life and hopefully find happiness again....at the same time I feel guilty for the hurt I know that such a decision to divorce will inflict on our family.

 I have alot of people who consider me a friend but there's no one I feel really close enough to that I can really talk to. Actually the closest people in the world to me other than my Kids are my mom (who I don't want to burden) and my younger sister (who is not really emotionally mature or able to relate to my struggles).

 I know I have really put myself out there by venting all of this on this forum but I will accept any sort of advice/opinion or comments.

How confident are you that you are going to find this "equal" partner? If that partner never shows up do you still think you would be happier staying single than staying in your marriage? What is a comfortable standard of living to you? How much custody of the kids are you wanting and how much do you think you'll actually get? There are a lot of things that I'm wondering about in this scenario. I could be wrong but i feel you assume a lot of things will be a given or improved by this decision. What if you don't get your way? Its worked for over a decade now so what's changed? Why now? My gut reaction is that you are being very selfish here but I understand your reasons. You are putting all of your unhappiness on your husband. Contempt is the number one predictor of a failed marriage. There are millions of great marriages where one partner out earns the other. Why is your situation different?

I'm sure others will be more help. I'm not too experienced with marriage. Welcome to the forum btw.

 

[SuzyQ]

Hello there, thanks for the welcome and the response. with regards to your questions, I am aware that I may not find "equal" but I am ok with that too and if I were to end my marriage I definitely wont be jumping into anything for a while.

Custody of the kids - I am willing to work with my husband on that as well I would never deprive them or him that relationship. In fact at this stage I think it may even work out better for the kids - I think he would be forced into making a conscious effort to actually spend some time with them.

As for me earning more than him - believe me I wish it were that simple - he barely makes enough to maintain himself and in fact is more often in debt than able to assist in the upkeep of our household - that means no money for bills, groceries, kids, education, healthcare etc. I handle it all and I am not exaggerating.

At this point what I am wanting is mostly peace of mind. I don't expect my burdens to disappear but at least mentally I'll be more accepting of the fact that I will be solely responsible and I won't be in a constant state of disappointment that my husband is not helping with the responsibilities.

The brain is a wondrous thing!

 

[constant stranger]

It sounds like you've explored your family's circumstances pretty fully and you've already decided what the next big step is....beginning the divorce process. Thirty six years old is still a good age, how much more time do you care to invest with your current husband?

 

[kamya]

Alright well if this is the case then it doesn't seem as selfish as before. I really have no experience with marriage but whatever happens I hope it works out for everyone involved.

 

[dokidoki]

For one you can start by answering my question! Haha!

Unfortunately I lack wisdom and experience so experience is a no-no. I want to emphasise that it's entirely fine to vent out on here, we all have our problems here! I'll be glad to provide any sort of distraction to give your mind some rest!

 

[SuzyQ]

It sounds like you've explored your family's circumstances pretty fully and you've already decided  what the next big step is....beginning the divorce process.   Thirty six years old is still a good age, how much more time do you care to invest with your current husband?

Excellent question....I know what I want to do. Now if  I could just pluck up the courage to follow through with it....

 

[Meaw]

My advice here is: Sometimes a crippling loneliness is better than a crippling relationship. It does not sound too bright, I know.
Best of luck, I think you'll make it through fine

 

[MisterLonely]

Sadly I would say that your relationship has reached a point of no return, it sounds like the problem isn't that you are the rock this family is build upon, financialy, emotionally and otherwise, the problem is that you do not feel love for your husband anymore, and this i eould guess has been the case for sometime now. I have heared of relationships that lasted long passed the partners losing their love for eachother, I have an aunt and uncle I've heard describe their own relationship like that, they are outgoing and do lots of things together, their relationship has changed into one where they are best of friends.

However some people are just not build that way, they need love and true companionship, you have been taking care of everyone in the family for so long on your own that it has become normal for all involved, your husband is trying to help provide but isn't actually doing so, after 11 years i'm sure he has been made aware of that on numerous occasions, he has placed his own needs before those of the family for years, but you have also been enabeling him to do so, you are after all the breadwinner.

There are two roads ahead of you, and as is clear by the answer you provided to constant stranger... only one is an option anymore.

Has your husband any idea your feeling this way at all? If there is to be a seperation it might be able to be one on "friendly" terms since nothing hostile has happened between you, no violence and no cheating (not that you've told about atleast).

My advise, find that courage and choose for yourself for the first time in over a decade, if you have any feelings of love left for your husband, any whishes of fixing this and staying together, then be sure he knows exactly how you feel, I do mean exactly... no sugarcoating, no sparing feelings or avoiding issues.

Best of luck wichever road you end up walking!

 

[Celt]

Hi Suzy welcome here please stick around, I think its worth it.

I'm surprised you made it this far. Children plus 1 non profit making business in the household! How have you been managing  your time at home when you're so busy working.

I sympathise with your husband as i am also in the business of construction and the past 10 years have been a dreadful time (guessing you're in the uk). I know how easy it is to get you're fingers burned balancing giving competetive prices vs profit.

This may be of no help but when I'm not sure on something I give it a review say in 6 months for example, and make a decision based on my observations for that period and what I see coming up. Work wise I find this helps me. After 11 years its time for a serious appraisal.

I hope he sees what the consequences of burrying ones head in the sand are.

 

[SuzyQ]

Hi Suzy welcome here please stick around, I think its worth it.

I'm surprised you made it this far. Children plus 1 non profit making business in the household! How have you been managing  your time at home when you're so busy working.

I sympathise with your husband as i am also in the business of construction and the past 10 years have been a dreadful time (guessing you're in the uk). I know how easy it is to get you're fingers burned balancing giving competetive prices vs profit.

This may be of no help but when I'm not sure on something I give it a review say in 6 months for example, and make a decision based on my observations for that period and what I see coming up. Work wise I find this helps me. After 11 years its time for a serious appraisal.

I hope he sees what the consequences of burrying ones head in the sand are.

Thank you Celt for your thoughtful words. I am actually not from the UK, I'm a Caribbean girl, born and raised.
Business is Business anywhere in the world though and you're right trying to offer competitive prices and still make a profit is quite challenging. 
I have tried over the years to be supportive and understanding and lend my expertise (I am an Accountant/Finance Manager) after all it's what I do but I have come to recognize that no matter how much we may want someone to succeed, lending a helping hand is a 2 way street - there is the offer of help and the acceptance of help.

I have made allowances for all manner of shortcomings - growing up without a father figure, growing up in a financially strapped household, lack of formalized education, male ego, complacent attitude etc.  I guess I share some part of the blame for the last 11 years - I know who I am and my aspirations and it has never been one where I just "get by".

I have always been a leader not a follower, an over achiever some might say, and I have been pretty much on track so far in my processional career and in helping to mold my kids into young leaders of tomorrow and these are traits I refuse to compromise on so I will never be satisfied by mediocrity, most importantly I want to set a good example for my kids and for that reason maybe I should have acted a long time ago instead of letting it get to this point.

 

[Celt]

Those words sound very determined. Whatever you choose I'm sure there will be no stopping you.

 

[Gaylebco]

SuzyQ,

In reading your words, I see so much of myself. Strong, determined, willing to do what it takes for your family and children. I also got to the point when me, financially, physically and emotionally taking care of everyone took its toll on me. It so hard to divorce....so ..so hard. I spend many a day crying alone in the garage so the kids didn't hear. Then one day, I realized, this is my life...forever in this misery. I could not...would not let this be me. I found an attorney and filed. Then I had to tell him and it was hard, he got angry. I said there was one choice...stay in the house alone or leave it so the kids and I could stay. He said he'd leave. That was 18 years ago. Oh my how my life has changed. I am remarried, have a wonderful job and an amazing family. I look back and think..where would I be if I never left.....alone, depressed, poor...living that nightmare for 18 more years...NO thank you...I better than that and deserve better.
You make your own choice but don't look back any further than the day you make that choice. Don't let your future be how your past has been. Do something don't just let his happen to you. I wish you much luck on this difficult time and message me anytime if you need to talk.

 

[Gerard75]

So I am 36 years old, been married for 16 years with two wonderful children, both teens 15 and 16 who mean everything to me. I'm a successful Manager in the Company I work for and I'm in the final stages of completing my MBA.

I know my unhappiness stems from my marriage, my husband and I have simply grown apart. I was thrust into the role of being the breadwinner in the family early on in my marriage. When we got married he had a legitimate job - 5 years in he decided he wanted to try making it on his own - unfortunately 11 years later he is still trying. I have tried to be understanding, supportive and helpful but I believe there comes a time when you have to make a choice between trying to make it on your own and  providing/fulfilling the basic needs of your kids (who didn't ask to be here). It's called sacrifice. He is always working but at the same time he never manages to turn a profit on any of his jobs because he just can't run a job efficiently (he's a builder btw). Honestly, I have tried to help - after-all its what I do (Business Management- MBA in Financial Management!) but he's not receptive to my suggestions (I have trieed every technique - reverse psychology failed too).

I believe my unhappiness stems from my feelings of stress because of the financial burdens and because emotionally there is no support that my husband can provide as I view him as the reason for my unhappiness. I am not a materialistic person but I do place importance on being able to provide my children with a comfortable quality of life - it is what I have studied and worked so hard for and because of what I view as my husbands unwillingness to place family first and share in the responsibility of providing I am left with a daily struggle of making ends meet.

Recently I have been struggling with wanting to file for divorce. I've even broached the subject with our kids who amazingly don't hate me for it! My husband for all his shortcomings is not a bad person - he loves the kids, he just never sets time aside for them. The kids adore him though because he is not the disciplinarian and the rare times they do get with him are usually spent watching movies (while he falls asleep on the couch) or cracking really bad jokes. Meanwhile I get to be the teacher, jailer, doctor, punisher, lecturer etc.

I've spent the last 12 years supporting the family, financially and emotionally - I have given it my all. I think now I've reached my breaking point - I want someone who can be there for me - equal partners, maybe make me feel special ever so often. I don't have that. I know marriage is hard work and I'm willing to put in the time (I feel I have put in the time and effort) but its not a one way street and after all the talks and counselling we've had he keeps reverting to type and I have just come to a point where i just want it over.

I care about him as the father of my kids, but I don't love him as a wife should love her husband. I wish him all the best and I would still help him if he asked but I just want to move on with my life and hopefully find happiness again....at the same time I feel guilty for the hurt I know that such a decision to divorce will inflict on our family.

 I have alot of people who consider me a friend but there's no one I feel really close enough to that I can really talk to. Actually the closest people in the world to me other than my Kids are my mom (who I don't want to burden) and my younger sister (who is not really emotionally mature or able to relate to my struggles).

 I know I have really put myself out there by venting all of this on this forum but I will accept any sort of advice/opinion or comments.

Welcome SuzyQ (I use to love those cakes)... I'm new here too.

I have to say I recognize this too fully.  I was in the some thing similar with my ex wife... but of cause our ending turned out quite different.  There maybe something you might have to consider first before making this step, I know it brings a sign reading this... but first I remember what I felt was feeling unappreciated of the extreme hard work and money I put in to my previous marriage and I was ready for a change.  As you said to get the courage to follow through... it will not end well.  In my case I struck up an affair and desired and pushed the ending of my previous marriage but I didn't realize my ex's standing in life at the time of the ending of our relationship.  She had no money and little experience to support herself... let alone the kids.  It took her close to 8!years before she finally made it in life to feel comfortable but still I make more then her and still try my best to provide even though she is getting better.  But it was a huge struggle and she cried begging for us not to end... she had finally admitted that she was selfish in just not doing enough for the family and understood how hard I had worked to keep the family above financial ground... but I told her it was too late.  

If you don't already know think where he will have to start his new life if this change happens... the kids new start ... because your new start maybe alittle easier.  I don't know what your circumstances will be if you were force to assist him to move out and find a place or if you left... but hope you think it fully... it will be more harder for him then for you... and the kids... please let us know your decision... I hope all goes well...