What I'm really for?

[annik]

I'm very isolated in "real" life so one of the only ways I "meet" people or talk to people outside of my family is online. Most of the time I confine that to talking to people on the site or forum I know them from. In PM's and stuff. Occasionally if we are getting on well or have been talking for a while I'll give people an email address. I think I like to keep people at arms length most of the time. As soon as it matters whether they are around or not they could hurt me so I like keeping things pretty casual. (This sounds like a problem too I guess but not the point of this thread).

Recently I left a site I'd been going on for some time and so I went a step further and gave a guy from there my mobile number. He'd already given me his a few times but I'd always been too shy and had just stuck with talking online. We have similar interests and music tastes and I figured it wold be nice to stay in touch. We'd been texting quite a bit and stuff and I noticed I'd get a lot of drunk flirty ones. I wrote them off as silly and harmless but then they got a bit more graphic and sexual. I'm kind of terrible at sticking up for myself in situations like that. Anyway my mum got a cold and I mentioned that I was worried about her because the last couple of times she's had one she's ended up in hospital. I haven't heard from him since. Its really bothered me. I genuinely thought we were at least casual friends and now I'm not sure. I just feel like if I ever did need a chat about anything he wouldn't wanna know but I'm good for a bit of sex talk. I have the same issue with my ex. The only time he becomes super chatty is when we wants to talk filth at me. Just feel a bit like I'm everyone's whore...

I never really get called pretty its always sexy. I honestly don't see it myself but I get called it a lot. The last guy I was with seemed really nice before we met then basically went weird and told me within hours of meeting that he wanted to sleep with me. I just always end up feeling cheap and used not cared about.

I don't know if maybe I'm being naive and maybe all men want to talk dirty online / in texts once in a while but its seems like its all I get...

I just end up thinking, what am I for?

 

[omniac]

I'm very isolated in "real" life so one of the only ways I "meet" people or talk to people outside of my family is online. Most of the time I confine that to talking to people on the site or forum I know them from. In PM's and stuff. Occasionally if we are getting on well or have been talking for a while I'll give people an email address. I think I like to keep people at arms length most of the time. As soon as it matters whether they are around or not they could hurt me so I like keeping things pretty casual. (This sounds like a problem too I guess but not the point of this thread).

Recently I left a site I'd been going on for some time and so I went a step further and gave a guy from there my mobile number. He'd already given me his a few times but I'd always been too shy and had just stuck with talking online. We have similar interests and music tastes and I figured it wold be nice to stay in touch. We'd been texting quite a bit and stuff and I noticed I'd get a lot of drunk flirty ones. I wrote them off as silly and harmless but then they got a bit more graphic and sexual. I'm kind of terrible at sticking up for myself in situations like that. Anyway my mum got a cold and I mentioned that I was worried about her because the last couple of times she's had one she's ended up in hospital. I haven't heard from him since. Its really bothered me. I genuinely thought we were at least casual friends and now I'm not sure. I just feel like if I ever did need a chat about anything he wouldn't wanna know but I'm good for a bit of sex talk. I have the same issue with my ex. The only time he becomes super chatty is when we wants to talk filth at me. Just feel a bit like I'm everyone's whore...

I never really get called pretty its always sexy. I honestly don't see it myself but I get called it a lot. The last guy I was with seemed really nice before we met then basically went weird and told me within hours of meeting that he wanted to sleep with me. I just always end up feeling cheap and used not cared about.

I don't know if maybe I'm being naive and maybe all men want to talk dirty online / in texts once in a while but its seems like its all I get...

I just end up thinking, what am I for?

If you don't decide what you are for someone will always try and decide for you.

 

[annik]

If you don't decide what you are for someone will always try and decide for you.

I'm not quite sure what to say to that. Maybe I worded the last bit wrong. I know what I'm for. I know I go into things wanting friendship and to look after people and care about them. I'm asking why I seem to get nothing but used back?

 

[omniac]

If you don't decide what you are for someone will always try and decide for you.

I'm not quite sure what to say to that. Maybe I worded the last bit wrong. I know what I'm for. I know I go into things wanting friendship and to look after people and care about them. I'm asking why I seem to get nothing but used back?

In that case you need to ask why you are doing it. The thing is when someone com the opposite sex (or same sex with intention) finds someone that shows genuine care and interest in them we are wired for relationships. The idea of a relationship, especially in our society, revolves around sex. You'd have to really dig deep to find a non-sexual relationship with the opposite sex. You could always try gay guys?
So what do you want? Something meaningful? Sure sex is on the table but not with someone you think is a drone. Your peculiar because you can be.

What do you want to be for?

 

[RJLJD]

I understand your angst in this scenario. It seems guys don't get it that you don't want it to be about sex with them, and I think the problem here really is a problem with modern society.
To most people sex and relationships are too synonymous with each other, which is what omniac is saying. i'll be honest, most guys are that way, but less of them are as open and vocal about it as your experiences seem to have been. that, or perhaps you're just good at reading people.
anyway, guys, and really people in general desire sex, no doubt. i do agree though that there should be more to any relation between a man and a woman than just that, and all the aspects, or at least the more important ones (not just sex) should at least be on an equal playing field.
you're just tired of being objectified, and you have every right to feel that way. i do want to encourage you though that there will be people out there that see you differently.

 

[annik]

Thank you.

I'm finding it hard to really get across what the issue is I guess. I don't mind flirting within a relationship but I feel people don't respect me a lot and I fear most of the time I just let that happen. I tend to think that everyone treats other people well and yet use me. I don't know a lot of it probably is to do with my own self worth and confidence maybe.

 

[tedgresham]

I don't know if maybe I'm being naive and maybe all men want to talk dirty online / in texts once in a while but its seems like its all I get...

I just end up thinking, what am I for?

Just so you know, not all men see women as sex toys in 3D. Some respect women as equals and human beings. You are here to be yourself, a whole and complete person, worthy of respect. I apologize for my gender's obsessions.

 

[omniac]

I don't know if maybe I'm being naive and maybe all men want to talk dirty online / in texts once in a while but its seems like its all I get...

I just end up thinking, what am I for?

Just so you know, not all men see women as sex toys in 3D. Some respect women as equals and human beings. You are here to be yourself, a whole and complete person, worthy of respect. I apologize for my gender's obsessions.

I think she is just interested to learn what it is she does that makes men treat her differently than other women. No need to apologize for all of us. You know women in general are far more...naughty... than many of us they're just easier to forgive because they are hardr to dislike than men are.

 

[tedgresham]

I don't know if maybe I'm being naive and maybe all men want to talk dirty online / in texts once in a while but its seems like its all I get...

I just end up thinking, what am I for?

Just so you know, not all men see women as sex toys in 3D. Some respect women as equals and human beings. You are here to be yourself, a whole and complete person, worthy of respect. I apologize for my gender's obsessions.

I think she is just interested to learn what it is she does that makes men treat her differently than other women. No need to apologize for all of us. You know women in general are far more...naughty... than many of us they're just easier to forgive because they are hardr to dislike than men are.

I'm not all that sure she does anything differently. I've been online since there was an online. I've had many online women friends. From all they've told me the net is crawling with sexual predators. It has gotten worse as the years go by, making it very hard to even approach a woman for friendship. In the real world most men keep their libido somewhat in check but online not so much.

Some women might be naughty but my experience is that it's not so. I think that's an assumption men make to soothe their conscience. Of course I can't speak for them directly, only reflect on the friendships I've had. It'd be good if a woman, maybe Annik can speak to that.

 

[Badjedidude]

I'm asking why I seem to get nothing but used back?

Because the majority of people are self-seeking and selfish, only looking out for their own interests. Sad but true.

A lot of people refute this fact of life, for whatever reasons, and we always neglect to tell our kids to expect it... so entire generations of people grow up assuming that they'll inherently (and with no effort of their own) be important to someone. And when they find that they ARE NOT important or cared for...

...they're unable to handle it. We get suicide. Loneliness. Cynicism.

*shrug*

Sometimes I think that if we told our kids not to expect love in life, we'd be better off.

Don't expect love/care, but for sure fight for it and search for it.

 

[annik]

Yeah I'm not sure I think I do anything differently. As I said before I'm having a bit of trouble really vocalising what the problem is here. I really don't want to bring it to this level but there's the old saying that "ugly girls have to be dirty". I think this is my angle. While I'm not a pretty girl I seem to be constantly told I'm sexy, have a good body. So I'm "nice body, shame about the face". I feel men will use that and me while prettier girls get the relationships. I'm not sure. Heck I'm making no sense.

I just think it's depressing thats all. I should really learn to tell people to back the hell off when they start with this crap at me. As I said maybe you need self respect before people will respect you.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

I don't think anyone should need an angle when it comes to getting in a relationship so throw those thoughts right out your head.

It comes down to what Ted was saying. There are a lot of creeps on and off-line.

Which...not trying to be rude or anything...is turning this into every argument I hear against men from plenty of beautiful women. That just because you only find bad guys doesn't mean there only are bad guys.

It's really hard to filter people online based on their character when you never really meet them. So you either have to continue doing that and try it more carefully or find another way to meet friends... that might be safer?

But to answer your question. You're being "used" because you're allowing these people to do this. At the first sign of anything wrong you should put a foot down and either tell them they screwed up or discontinue contact.

 

[annik]

Yeah I totally should but like I said it comes from people I think of as friends sometimes and so I want to think about feelings. Plus with the guy mentioned in the original post it stated of as drunken harmless flirting which is a level I'm ok with. I mean if I just got a message say on here full of filth from someone I'd never spoken to I'd have no issue telling them where to go.

When I said an angle I just meant trying to find what the real point of this post it.

Hmm I'm not against men, I know there are loads of nice ones. I merely think that at some point all will want to be sexy with a girl (ok unless there are gay). I have trouble with love and sex being the same thing or two sides to a story. I think this comes from the fact that I was with my ex for 3 years and we never made love. He was a virgin when we met and so I didn't rush him and was understanding but he just never tried or even wanted to. All he wanted from me was oral and to dress up and talk filth and all I wanted was for him to put his arms around me make make love to me. It caused one hell of a lot of bitterness and I think screwed me up quite a bit. So as soon as someone acts over sexual to me there's a switch in my head that tells me they mustn't care and only want me to be dirty.

Hmm and thats way more than I was going to share but...

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

Hmm and thats way more than I was going to share but...

Right before you said that I thought to myself, "Hmm... she sure is sharing a lot..."

I have trouble with love and sex being the same thing or two sides to a story.

You'll have to find a guy who doesn't have trouble understanding that. You're almost asking someone to think objectively about a subjective matter on a pretty high brow ideal. You need someone who can further departmentalize their emotions and thoughts concerning intimacy.

Good luck, haha.

 

[annik]

Good luck, haha.

Exactly.

Honestly I think I just need someone who has a very high level of sensitivity and tenderness. I need to be looked after in a lot of ways way more than maybe the average girl. The thing is I thought I'd found that with my last brief relationship. He seemed like just the right type of guy for me and someone who could really help me for the two months or so we were talking. Then as soon as we met it was totally different and wrong and made me feel awful.

I'm hoping one day someone will care enough to treat me with kid gloves for a while so I can sort stuff out...

Pigs might fly...eh?...

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

Pigs might fly...eh?...

At the current rate of genetic research and development you're in good hands. Probably just a decade or two and not only can you have a flying pig but they'll build you a man too. Haha!

 

[IgnoredOne]

I think that thinking yourself as not pretty is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[omniac]

Good luck, haha.

Exactly.

Honestly I think I just need someone who has a very high level of sensitivity and tenderness. I need to be looked after in a lot of ways way more than maybe the average girl. The thing is I thought I'd found that with my last brief relationship. He seemed like just the right type of guy for me and someone who could really help me for the two months or so we were talking. Then as soon as we met it was totally different and wrong and made me feel awful.

I'm hoping one day someone will care enough to treat me with kid gloves for a while so I can sort stuff out...

Pigs might fly...eh?...

So, what you w

 

[omniac]

Good luck, haha.

Exactly.

Honestly I think I just need someone who has a very high level of sensitivity and tenderness. I need to be looked after in a lot of ways way more than maybe the average girl. The thing is I thought I'd found that with my last brief relationship. He seemed like just the right type of guy for me and someone who could really help me for the two months or so we were talking. Then as soon as we met it was totally different and wrong and made me feel awful.

I'm hoping one day someone will care enough to treat me with kid gloves for a while so I can sort stuff out...

Pigs might fly...eh?...

Interesting posts. You want to be loved but you think you are ugly and that causes social awkwardness when they meet you, but because you have a nice body you feel some overlook you looks and prefer to focus on your body and subsequently sex. However this appears to only result in you being used for your body an does not fulfill long-term goals which "pretty women" have because you feel people want both for a long-term relationship.

Now we know what you want to be for.

You do not need someone complex, stay away from those people. The internet might be a great place for you to find one, but I would caution you against "normal" meeting/dating sites they will have the guys you are trying to avoid. You need to find your own insightful socially awkward guy, someone you can teach and learn from. someone you can grow with in developing your personalities all the while developing your relationship. In the end you'll be so intertwined you'll have exactly what you want. My point, shoot for someone you may not be drawn to initially as your tendency will be to find someone that complements what you perceive as your failings, this is what you have been doing all along and it won't work because finding someone to fix you is attempting to use someone and you. Know exactly how that turns out. Find an equal, someone you can grow with.

 

[RJLJD]

Do you come off as a pushover to guys you are getting to know? Because if so then that would be all the reason more they'd try to get fresh with you. You never give them the indication that its not ok, even from the early onset. Even just having a discussion with the guy about such things could be helpful, and if not then you both know where you stand.
I do agree you should try a new method of trying to find someone though. Whatever you are doing now doesn't seem to provide the results you want. Time for a change. I know that's easier said than done though.