The
tl;dr version: I'm not sure if I want to see a psychiatrist or not.
I have some circumstances that cause me concern. I currently self-medicate to cope with my problems. I try to do this in a healthy manner. I'm not sure what a psychiatrist would think of that, though. The ones I've tried for the purpose of self-medication are all legal here for medical use (Prozac, cannabis, Xanax, Adderall) but if I admit to this, I risk being asked about other drug use and I'm not sure telling the truth is the wisest option although none are "hard". I worry I'd end up on a blacklist with "Don't give THIS one any 'scripts" in my permanent medical record and I worry it'd affect my ability to get health insurance.
My experiences and "personality quirks" are substantial. For a stranger to fully understand my problem, I would have to explain a lot of odd symptoms to them and depending on the questions and so forth it could take awhile. Like that I rock back and forth all the time. I have always done it, it's not something I can just turn off -- it's very much like breathing in that sense. I feel it's relevant because when I pass by street folks who look crazy, they're rocking back and forth just like I do! It's the only time I ever see anyone else do it. Presumably a psychiatrist might be familiar with it, but then again I'd have thought my local sushi restaurant would at least understand what "tamago" (egg, it's common in sushi restaurants but apparently not that one) means. I can control it to an extent, but it's like breathing -- you can hold your breath but it's not comfortable and the longer you hold it, the harder it gets. If you stop paying attention to it, you start breathing again. I've had a girl literally reach out and "stop" me from swaying from side to side while standing in public, when I had no idea I was even doing it. She was grinning, she didn't mean any offense or anything, but she found it funny that I was doing such a bizarre thing. My SO once walked in on me biting the skin on the back of the wrist on one hand while hitting the top of my head with the other hand. It was so ridiculous looking he laughed and it got my attention -- I never knew I did that, but I catch myself doing it now and then. I may not be rocking back and forth like normal all the time, but it just manifests in other ways if I'm not careful. I don't know of a cure and it's not a serious problem, but I have bouts of lower back pain sometimes and I ruin furniture after an extended time of "heavy use". :facepalm: And that's just one of my quirks
I feel my symptoms are a laundry list of things like that -- abnormal, but not completely debilitating either.
I seem to have mental traits that are on the autism spectrum, but I'm not that bad. I can walk a few blocks down the street and go to the mall and feel kind of uncomfortable but otherwise calm. The thought of taking the bus to a park I haven't been to before, and going alone, is so daunting that I can't bring myself to do it. When I do things like that, I get lost. I'm not really good with directions. And when I get lost, I panic. Literal panic/anxiety. When I see an intersection and I don't really understand how to cross it exactly, I feel a surge of panic. If I don't understand how a machine works (for example, a ticket machine at a train station), I panic. Once I learn the procedure, there's no fear. Once I know the route, there's no fear. Familiarity helps so I take "baby steps". If I didn't have help in life, I don't know if I could cope with it on my own. I'm normal in many ways, like I "get" people and social interactions and so forth. Just not sane enough to really feel comfortable with things.
When normal people suspect they're about to be invited to a social event, they go. When I do, I make myself unavailable. I might genuinely like to go to "my" idea of fun rather than a party, but I obviously need to cope with things like that better. There's no doubt it's holding me back that I can't just go to a simple party and enjoy myself (or at least fake it better).
I don't really need someone who will tell me that I need to get out a bit more, set more concrete goals, and try to make friends and whatnot. I know all of that. The underlying issue isn't delusion about my situation, it's things like a literal fear of crossing streets by myself and an outright refusal to do it if they lack a pedestrian "walk" symbol. It's not just paranoia, I don't really always "get" road rules and I'd rather be conservative than dead or causing accidents.
And the symptoms aren't static, some days are not so bad and others I'm very reluctant to leave my apartment. Some days I'll be awake 16 hours and sleep about 8 and have a normal appetite. Other times I'll be awake for 3 straight days and will have eaten almost nothing. It's a consistent cycle though, I've made sure it's not an effect of any particular drug. I didn't sleep last night, I won't sleep tonight, and I just feel compelled to write and write when I know I need to just stop and do something more productive than this. It's like a mild hypergraphia and I've probably got a touch of bipolar disorder.
Also, I hope my hair isn't too orange-y. I have the odd urge to try new hairstyles again and that's pretty typical. My reluctance to visit a hair salon probably isn't, and the result isn't always quite what I expect when I do it myself
