Who is lonely in the UK?

[Haks86]

Hi guys! New-ish user here.
I'm from London. I have always been a bit of a loner but it was after secondary school that it got to its worse. I get anxious about talking to people I dont know and find it hard to maintain relationships/friendships.
Im hoping to have a small circle of friends one day as well as settling down. I'm getting old...

 

[matt4]

Welcome! Another Londoner here.
What part of LDN you from?

 

[matt4]

Welcome! Another Londoner here.
What part of LDN you from?

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

Me. I'm lonely. And I'm in South Wales (Brecon-ish).

It's pretty remote here, so even getting anything close to friends is near impossible. Plus I tend to go through depressive episodes which end up being quite self-destructive, but I'm waiting to get help on that.

I just figure my interests are too vague for anyone anyway, but I cling on to a slight hope I could find some friends and keep them for more than a month at best (my current online friend record is 6 weeks).

 

[Kris35]

HI SCD - what are your interests? I sometimes dream of buying land in Wales as it's much cheaper, but then I don't like to be too remote. Pit we couldn't create our own little village down there. A village for loners.

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HI SCD - what are your interests? I sometimes dream of buying land in Wales as it's much cheaper, but then I don't like to be too remote. Pit we couldn't create our own little village down there. A village for loners.

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

I like ambient/electronic music, sci-fi film and books. But I'm not keen of SF tv shows though. I find them annoying. I'm much more a movie person. I try to play EVE Online too - but I'm socially awkward a bit so I am playing solo...

I've hobby hopped for years, so I don't really have much more concrete interests than that.

 

[Kris35]

Sounds a bit noisy to me. Have you thought about joining Meet Up to see if there are any groups in your area? I know that being socially awkward makes you want to just hide away - I think you need a group of people who are also socially awkward. I'm not sure just having friends online is the anwser.

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

Sounds a bit noisy to me. Have you thought about joining Meet Up to see if there are any groups in your area? I know that being socially awkward makes you want to just hide away - I think you need a group of people who are also socially awkward. I'm not sure just having friends online is the anwser.

Noisy... hah! I like mostly ambient because it's either there in the background (distracting me from tinnitus) or I listen intently and it keeps me somewhat calm and chilled out.

I'll have a look at the meet up thing. And although I agree about online friendships, but any friendship is good in my opinion at the moment. Some real life good close friends would be a dream come true for me.

 

[Kris35]

Yeah real friendships - kind of like a substitute family - thats a dream for me also. Just had a look at any Meet Up groups in your area and there doesnt seem to be much. Do you live alone? Do you have family nearby at all?

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

I looked at meetup.com and most things are around 25+ miles away... And not even in my sphere of interest much. Heck, even the musicians and bands I like either never really play in the UK or if they do, it's too far away, so I can't even do that.

I live with my wife, and my mum & dad live about 15 minutes drive away. My sister moved way up north so only see her once a year now. The only person I found with similar interests to me was (ironically) my dad. But then how much of that is paternal influence and how much is just common interest I don't know.

Sorry if this all sounds quite negative at the moment, I'm really in a low depression right now...

 

[Kris35]

Dont worry SCD. You be as negative as you like. I suppose you have tried forums in your subject interests? I just read a bit of your post where you say you play EVE online but are socially awkward so play alone. I'm also socially awkward but online I'm not so I can't empathise with you there. You don't seem socially awkward to me on here at all.

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

Writing words is one thing for me, actually talking to people (via teamspeak or on a phone or face to face) is where my major issues lie. So in the case of EVE, for example. , I tried to push myself to do the teamspeak thing, I got as far as 'Hi', and confirming my character name, and that was it. I quit that group a couple of days later and went back to solo.

Even text chat like IRC or Skype has can be awkward for me at times. Not as much as vocal talking, but still problematic sometimes.

My awkwardness stems mainly from either saying an inappropriate thing (usually because I misunderstood or misheard something said) or or just clamming up completely when the subject didn't interest me. I'm not sure if it's a proper social awkward thing, I just lack confidence in conversation, very much so when it's more than one person where I'd rather not be taking part because of said confidence.

 

[Kris35]

Oh I get it now and know exactly what you mean. For me it has got to the point where I just don't go out. I cringe at conversations I've had with people - I think because I'm always trying to be bubbly and quick witted but I'm not. A challenge for me would be to have a convo with someone and just be myself - trouble is, I don't know who "myself" actually is. So I get it. It makes for a bloody lonely life. What I would like to do is set myself challenges. For example (I don't have Skype at the moment) me and you could Skype each other (sorry Mrs SCD - just an experiment is all) and test each others ability to chat. For example, if you told me to talk about myself for ten minutes, I would shake and go red. I would stutter my words and probably end up dead from a heart attack. I wonder what makes us like this?

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

Yes! I think you do understand. In your experiment I may first find excuses not to do it (excluding Mrs SCD, who would approve of any effort to better myself anyway). Then, I may try and divert away from myself. Finally, I may start well, but could possibly only get to 5 minutes... Possibly. As for being myself, I know I won't be unless the topic is spot on something I have interest in.

Post conversation analysis is always a horrible thing, from the 'I can't believe I said...' or for me 'I wish I'd said...'.

I wish I knew why. For me, it's mainly a combination of shyness, lack of self-confidence (because of multiple issues) that prevent me from just feeling relaxed to engage in a conversation, let alone stop myself from over-analysing EVERYTHING that is said, how it is said, etc, etc.

 

[Kris35]

Ha! I often think about stuff I said months ago and cringe - also go a bit OCD tapping stuff. Often wish myself dead also. I really envy people that can be so natural when they chat. They can just chat and come up with witty replies. I am a bit dim witted (!!!!!). I also have little interest in people unless I am helping them (makes me feel good) or talking about deep and meaningful stuff or, like you, things I'm interested in. Even then I feel I can't compete in any conversation - like you again cos you can't chat online about that game.

I also cannot talk to long time friends without feeling anxious. That is why I recently set up a group (Meet Up) for people with SA. I thought maybe meeting people with the same issues would make it better. I long to make really good lifelong friends. I am trying to get them to chat in the message board area but most are quiet. I just think to myself that people can bond online before they meet up you know? Then when people do meet, it's a bit easier as connections already made.

I think you said you were waiting to get help? I saw a shrink a few months ago and he was utter rubbish. Hopefully you get a good professional but for me, I have to do it myself. Are there any depression groups in your area? If you started a Meet Up group in your area, maybe you could make some friends that way?

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

You know, there's a lot of similarities in our struggles here - the reflecting on things said (even ages ago), poor thought patterns, the jealousy of seeing people chat and interact so naturally. I can be witty (according to my wife) but I often feel like a fool for doing so. It makes me embarrassed because I just want to talk deep stuff. There's often a sense that my life experiences aren't good enough for people to listen to.

I feel this is a self-esteem issue - something I know I struggle with. It's one of many reasons I am on the waiting list for counselling, but it's not the quickest service in the world round these parts. Plus I'm not 'high risk'. I'm hoping once I see them I can either get psychiatric support (which is supposed to be better, plus a lot of my issues are very deep-rooted), and/or find some support groups. My googling around hasn't really turned up anything local, only the main cities which are around 25-30 miles away.

 

[shaun-b-good]

Hi im shaun, single guy from kendal in north west england
Im rather shy around people which as ive got older has left me rather alone...its not a nice thing to admit and makes me wonder why no one likes me

 

[Kris35]

Ahhhh SCD what are we like. It's so lonely not being able to connect with people. I am fed up today - more than usual. Shaun, you can't please everyone. I often feel the same - I think shyness can come across as aloofness sometimes. That old fear of rejection.

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Crikey, I just had to edit as called you STD by mistake.

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

Hi im shaun, single guy from kendal in north west england
Im rather shy around people which as ive got older has left me rather alone...its not a nice thing to admit and makes me wonder why no one likes me

Hey Shaun. I'm quite shy, have been all my life, I can understand what that's like. It's not nice and makes things hard - but it's not to say you're not likeable.

@Kris35 - STD!!! Lol. That was a bit of a typo! Sorry to hear you're more fed up than usual. Been a tough day for me - I tried a 'meet a friend' online group thing and nobody's responded. Kind of sucks and I'm feeling a bit down about it. Although I tried, which is good.

 

[Kris35]

SCD what what was this meet a friend online group - I might try it myself. I am looking for lifelong platonic friends - not too much to ask is it lol!! All these forums and groups are limited in their numbers I think. I was hoping to meet people from my area here but no luck yet so might get some bloody flyers printed up and post them around asking for friends lolol. FFS!!