Why don't women ever approach men?

[Mike413]

This is something that I've always wondered about but it has never really been explained to me in any way that really makes sense.

First let me say that people in general don't usually approach me if they don't already know me. Then again, how does someone get to know someone in the first place. Despite the fact that I almost always feel like I'm always making the first move it is much more likely to me(based mostly on experience and others experience)that if someone were going to approach me it would be a man and not a woman. I don't mean in a social setting either necessarily nor do I mean in a flirty romantic way necessarily either. I just mean in general. I don't even think I've ever had a woman ask me the time or for directions or pretty much anything let alone talk to me first at a bar.

So what gives? Is it a shyness thing? A safety thing? A social conditioning thing? An evolutionary thing? Would it matter if I was Brad Pitt or some other celebrity? I know there are some situations like the rock star or celebrity thing where women might approach a man but is that it? I thought we were all equal human beings but maybe I'm wrong. And no, this isn't even so much a complaint as it is an observation. My curious mind is curious about social things and this is near the top of the list for me.

I'm just curious about this. I would like to hear opinions from both men and women.

Also, I know I'll get the response from some women on here that will go like "well I do approach men" or something. OK. Then why do I never meet women like you?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Some do. Works both ways. It's not a one-way street.

 

[Mike413]

Ok. So either that some is a very, very small percentage or I need to get out more.

You are right about it not being a one way street but in my experience(and I would guess the experience of many guys)it's almost always(at least 99 percent of the time)the man approaching the woman and not the other way around.

When a woman does talk to me first it's usually because she wants something. For example, I'm pretty tall so occasionally an old lady will ask me to reach something on the top shelf in the supermarket for her. But I really shouldn't count that.

Also, for all the time I have spent on online dating sites only once or twice has a woman ever approached me on there in a genuine way and I wasn't interested in either one.

 

[Moe'sTavern]

Ok. So either that some is a very, very small percentage or I need to get out more.

You are right about it not being a one way street but in my experience(and I would guess the experience of many guys)it's almost always(at least 99 percent of the time)the man approaching the woman and not the other way around.

When a woman does talk to me first it's usually because she wants something. For example, I'm pretty tall so occasionally an old lady will ask me to reach something on the top shelf in the supermarket for her. But I really shouldn't count that.

Also, for all the time I have spent on online dating sites only once or twice has a woman ever approached me on there in a genuine way and I wasn't interested in either one.

Do you have problems approaching women?

 

[Mike413]

Whether I do or not isn't really the issue here. I'm just wondering why women never approach me or any man even though they often say they do. I was just curious if there is some sort of biological or sociological or psychological reason why women never(or at least rarely) talk to men even in a social way.


However, that said I think that about 95 percent of men(if not more)have problems approaching women. How many guys do you know can walk straight up to a woman they don't know from adam and engage in a conversation with them that results in her giving them their number after a few minutes? Imagine how much easier your life would be if women approached you even once for every ten times you approached them. Yes I'm living in a fantasy world but again that's not the point I just would like to know if there is any logical rational reasons for this or if it's just me. I seriously doubt it's just me although I do admit I need to get out more.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It kind of is the issue, because when you start thinking that NO woman EVER approaches a man just because YOU haven't been approached... Makes it kind of a root to the problem tree.

 

[Mike413]

Well I haven't met many men even super handsome or good looking men who have women just approach them cold. It might happen rarely or occasionally but I think it's pretty rare for a woman to approach the average man(and yes he can be good looking).

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's not as rare as you think. And why are you watching men all the time? You know for certain that they're never approached by women at any point in time?

 

[Mike413]

Ok, I'm still not getting any real answers here.

So have you ever approached any men VC? Maybe you are just going by your own personal experience. Ask your girlfriends how many of them regularly approach men.


I never said I am always watching men. I said I am going by what men say. Think of it this way. The average attractive woman in her busy day is probably approached ten times if not more by a man. The average man is probably approached 0-1 times a day by a woman(any woman; she doesn't even need to be attractive).

Do I have facts to back that up? No, I don't. That's my opinion based on what seems right to me.

I used to go in online chat rooms back in the day when that was cool to do. I had maybe two to three women say hi in about a span of two to three hours at the most. Once I went in using a female name and had about ten guys try to talk to me in about five minutes at the least. I think that says a lot right there.

Male and female psychology is different. Why can't you just admit that women(probably including yourself) don't typically approach men instead of trying to side step the issue by saying I'm exaggerrating and saying it happens more than I think. Even if it does happen more than I think it still doesn't happen that much.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Ok, I'm still not getting any real answers here.

So have you ever approached any men VC? Maybe you are just going by your own personal experience. Ask your girlfriends how many of them regularly approach men.

Actually, I did. I put my stamp on my dude, and we've been together since. And actually, yes, my friend does - or did, I should say - approach guys. She approached the guy she's with now. Told him how she felt, and they've been together since.

I'm pretty sure a few other of my female friends have done the same. Trust me, it's not a rarity at all.

And sorry, I quoted you before you added to that post.

 

[kamya]

It's not the norm but it happens. I've had it happen a few times.

Maybe they don't want too seem too easy.

 

[Mike413]

It's definitely not the norm and that's my main point. But it's still totally lopsided if you ask me.

And what does it mean to put the stamp on your dude. Did you make him get a tattoo of your name on him or something?

I'm not complaining here. To be honest I probably wouldn't want the woman who did approach me although at least she would have high self esteem and wouldn't be afraid of being rejected.

 

[theraab]

I think it's just kind of a traditional thing - men tend to make the first move because that's what is expected. That doesn't mean that women never make the first move - I've had several women approach me (which makes me think good looks has nothing to do with it).

Look at it this way, why should the woman have to be the one to do the hard work of approaching a guy?

 

[Mike413]

Ok so if a woman doesn't approach a man because she doesn't want to seem too easy then does that mean if I approach her, I'm easy?

---

Look at it this way, why should the woman have to be the one to do the hard work of approaching a guy?



I could ask the same thing but in the opposite way. Why should the man have to be the one to do the hard work of approaching a woman?

I think it should be more about personalities and less about gender or tradition. Or how about this. It should be more about who sees the other person first. Maybe if women flirted harder that would be something but a smile doesn't mean much to me. Old ladies smile at me. Business women, waitresses and lots of other women in customer service and out in public smile. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. As for the wink that's old fashioned and dated and nobody really does that anymore.

Wow, it really seems like everyone is ganging up on me here. All I did was ask a question.

 

[VanillaCreme]

We're not ganging up. But you have to realize at some point, that when you generalize that women never approach guys, it's just not true.

 

[Mike413]

I don't think I ever said never. I said rarely. In my case it seems like never but in reality it's just extremely rare.

Ok. I did say "why don't women ever approach men?"

I don't think I ever had a woman say "hey I think your cute. Do you have a girlfriend?" or any other obvious statement that indicated she was interested in me in a romantic way. I've had them hint at it but never actually approach me first in a romantic way. I know other guys who say women have never approached them either. Once or twice may as well be never imo unless it actually leads somewhere. But even in those one or two times it's not obvious they were really interested in me romantically. Maybe they just wanted to be friends. BUt my whole point is women rarely if ever approach men even as friends let alone romantically. This has been my experience.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Because it is generally not socially acceptable.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Don't feel bad. I've never been approached by a woman. It happens.

 

[Mike413]

Ding ding. We have a winner.

That would be my guess as well. It's nice to hear it from someone else though. Bonus points go to you since you seem to be a bit of a prog fan.

---

Don't feel bad. I've never been approached by a woman. It happens.

See I knew it wasn't just me. I knew there had to be other guys out there who have had similar experiences.

I could say well women don't have the balls to approach men. While that is anatomically true it also might sound sexist which would not be my intent. It would also not be totally true since some women apparently do have the guts(let's put it that way)to approach men.

My guess would be that the women who do approach men have this little fantasy of what the ideal perfect man should be and are approaching him based on his appearance(what else would she go by if she didn't know him). These guys who get approached by women are probably wearing super stylish clothes and look like George Clooney's ass double. At least if I approach her I get to see if she is indeed a warm, fun, friendly woman. If not then I move on. It's not like I have to stand there talking to someone who isn't very nice or genuine.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't think it's that women are being callous and mean, at least not intentionally. But I try to see it from their view as well.

If they approach, and the guy doesn't like them, they get called easy. If they don't approach, and the guy does like them, they get called "hard to get." It's basically a lose-lose situation for them.

Women are going off decades, if not centuries, of trying to dismiss stereotypes. Some do approach, but most don't, because it's easier for them to sit around waiting for a man to do it. And if the guy is shy, they either don't get it, or they think if he really likes them he won't be shy (which is a bunch of bull, but that's for another post.)