why im here

[jchildressmd]

so lately ive fallen into a deep depression, many factors have played a role in this, because i am new, i will give a little insight into my daily life and my past

starting with my past, i am the oldest of 3 kids, my dad left us and disappeared when i was 14, leaving my mom and us kids in poverty. Times got harder, my mom worked as a dispatcher for the PD, and worked 12 hour nights, we barely ever saw her, at that point i took hold of the household. I became a recluse, going to school exhausted, not interacting with anyone, the few boyfriends i did have i was too self-conscious to allow them to stay.

eventually my mom would start to go out with different men on her nights off, i remember waking up at 2,3,4 in the morning and she was still gone, i would lie awake crying, begging god to bring her back safe. I eventually started to dispise my mother, i was always wondering why she would leave, my dad left, why does she have to be gone to?

time eventually went on, and i met a guy that i thought would treat me right, only to find out 3 yrs in the relationship that he had been cheating on me, and every nite i would fall asleep, hed sneek off to go smoke pot and party with his friends. i tried to make it work, i gave my all, but our breakup was messy, full of lonliness and hate.

i had lost all self respect, i was so alone and just wanting someone to hold me, i didnt care who, i started partying hard, having one night stands, becoming involved with men i knew only wanted one thing, it was a fast easy fix for a broken heart. a chance to escape the pain, feel wanted if only for the night. and it was in this time that i met jason.

our relationship blossomed perfectly, we had both come from broken homes and broken relationships, we really got to know eachother before getting physical, we were suddenly intrigued with eachother, always wanting to be around eachother, i thought i had finally met my match, someone that needed to be loved just as much as me, but of course i knew that dark days were ahead. weve been together for a year and a half, i sleep alone, he sneeks off, ive lost any friends ive had and i dedicate everything to him. he has pushed me away so hard that i dont even have enough strength to keep it together. Its become even more apparent how much of an outcast ive become with my 21st birthday around the corner and i have no one to share it with but myself.

ive decided to join this forum because i know other people are feeling what im feeling, and this is my only outlet.

 

[Steel]

Hey, and welcome.

 

[Nyktimos]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems. Love can be such a hard thing to find, and when it turns bad it can knock you back a great deal. There is no easy solution to the problem of being in a relationship which is thoroughly unfulfilling.

 

[Greensoul]

Indeed..love can be a serious b!7CH...welcome to the forums and I'm sure you'll some friends here ><...btw...when is your birthday?

 

[EveWasFramed]

Hi there. I'm sorry that you are distressed. I hope that you will find support here and maybe even others who have gone through the same experiences that you have.
Try not to judge your mother harshly. Try to see things from her point of view. Yes, she should have been focusing on her children, but think of this...she worked 12 hour shifts, she was alone, with the responsibility of three children - physical, emotional and financial responsibility. That's enough stress to break a person, to make them do things that maybe they normally would not have done. As you have sought escape through relationships, does it not seem that perhaps that's what your mother did? Of course I don't know either of you, and I'm not trying to justify anything, as I don't know the particulars of your situation. Sometimes, even though we have been wronged by the people we care about, holding on to the resentment and anger or bitterness, can be self-destructive. You have suffered enough. We all learn from our pasts. What have you learned? What lessons can you apply to your life now, so that you can have a more fulfilling life?
I'm sorry that you are in an unhappy relationship. Sometimes I wonder if that is even worse than simply being alone. I hope that things change for you soon. Try to find a little support and happiness when you can. I'm sure this forum is a good place to start.

Again, welcome.

 

[Minus]

Welcome

 

[Gerardo]

Welcome. I just wanted to say I understand you. In a way, I've lived similar things. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, so I really don't know what it's like to grow up with a father. My mother is schizophrenic (triggered by the divorce trauma), so our upbringing was quite hard, although she loves us a lot (I'm the minor of three children, I have two older sisters). Right now, I'm 27 years old.

If there's one thing you can learn from what has happened to you, is that you have the strength to push forward, and all by yourself. Also, you're still a really young girl, so look for opportunities, since you have plenty of time left. Establish some goals for yourself, and pursue them! I hope you will find happiness along the road.

 

[Luisa]

I'm sorry to heard of the struggles you've had. Welcome to the forum, i'm Lou, feel free to pm anytime

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Welcome,

Happy Birth Day

I'm sorry you're going through hard times again.
Please love yourself and foremost through it all.

There's abandentment involved. You almost describe me when I was
younger. All of the partying and chasing after women just to take away the pains.
Then I got married..which turned into a total wreck
after the honey moon was over. My ex-wf became distance...she
had many issues of her own. i felt lost , lonely and adandent again.

I went into reocvery at a very young age (22) becuase at the point
in my life...nothing i did seem to take away the pains.
No amount of partying, drinking, sex, drugs, shopping, work or money took away my pains.

Being in a relationship with another person with many, many issues made it all more the difficult.
Yes...it was as if we're repeating the dyfuctioning behaviors again on to another generation.
Losing my duaghter ripped me apart...
Today i can look at it differently...maybe it was for the better that we got a deviorce....for the sake of Jordan.
I don't talk to my ex-wf much...but the last time I spoken to her...She was in some type of recovery program.

I bascaily had to reparent myself...Got into therapy.
I knew i couldn't do it on my own anymore. I also
met many wonderful people in the process that were
willing to help. I had to do a lot of reading and writing about
the past or my childhood.

Even to this day memories of my childhood effects me when
I'm under stress or when life on life's terms dose life on life's terms.
The old feelings of abandenment gets retrigger and enterwine with the current life life situations.
This makes it seem very overwhelming. It's why I had to go back and write or open up old wounds
of my past....not to live in it but to reprocess it, refile my memory banks or see it in a different light or perspective.
I blamed myself for a lot of things in my childhood that was not my fualt..( a habit developed during childhood).
By doing this...I can better seperate the old abandent feelings from the new abandonment feelings.
This way ...I won't over react as much or get consumed by my emotions.
If I take an inventory of my current situation....there's like a pattern in my life.
Though it might be difficult...becuase i still want to belive everything is my fualt today....IT IS NOT.
It's a habit, thinking pattern and living pattern I have to break.
I can take an honest inventory of myself today...95% of my actions are not my fualt.
My defects come from putting myself in the same situation again and again. I HAVE TO GET HONEST WITH MYSELF.
Whether consiously or subconsiously I have a radar out for women that's unavaliable to me...EMOTIONALLY.
Getting into unhealthy relationship is the same as a one night stand. It's just a slow dragged out version of me trying
to fill voids or cover up my pains. I'll bend over backwards just to not feel that abandenment feeling again..
DON'T LEAVE ME EVEN IF YOU TREAT ME LIKE honeysuckle. I'LL RUN BACK TO YOU BECAUSE I CAN'T BARE ABANDONMENT
EVEN IF YOU TREAT ME LIKE honeysuckle. I CAN'T BARE LIVING ALONE...YOU CAN USE ME AND ABUSE ME JUST DON'T
LEAVE ME OR ABANDON ME.

I surround myself with poeple that's willing to help me.
I kept reaching out for help....Asking for help is one of the hardest
thing for me to do becuase as a child I alway had to keep it together
or not fall apart. I develope many survival habits as a child..but
in my adulthood it wasn't the most healhty.

I also know there's deep inner strength with inside of me.
Even when I'm down on my knees and crying my heart out.
Sometime the best thing I can do is just sit still and cry
and process my feelings and emotions.

I also keep a journal. i write about anything and everything.
All of my thoughts and emotions. Whatever happens in my
life or throughout my days...This too is also healing for me.


At the forefront of everything...I had to learn to love myself and repect myself.
The more I learn to do this...the I better I feel or more well I get.
And of course...I'll have to keep myself in check...
I'M STILL ATTRACTED TO PHYCO BITCHES. I can see it stamped on thier forehead..

stella for mod..
stella for mod....
stella for mod......lol

 

[fadingaway22]

Hello. You are not alone for I feel your pain as well. I know what it is like to lose someone you really care about. But with determination, things will turn around for you.

 

[Punisher]

Hi jchildressmd