Would you date a man who had a child?
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Sterling
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The Good Citizen said:
I honestly don't care if people don't agree with my thoughts or opinions, but there is no reason to be rude about it. It'd be selfish to force yourself into that sort of relationship just for the fact that you feel as if you'd be shallow if you didn't. It'd be horrible for the kid(s), and stressful for the parent. All in all, if you know you don't want a relationship like that, good. You have an idea of some things that what you want or do not want. Why force yourself into something you don't want? Just so everyone has a chance, even if it wouldn't be a happy one?
Dark_Poet
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I think it all comes down to personal responsibility.
I don't see anything wrong with dating someone with children, but only if you're actually ready and capable of handling such things.
Not everyone is ready to settle down and have a family.
It doesn't make them horrible people, it simply makes them human.
To be honest, if you know you're not ready to take on the responsibility that comes with parenting, I applaud you.
Too many people jump into things without thinking of the responsibilities that it brings about.
I understand the desire to engage in such acts, but responsibility is key.
Personally, I would love to have a kid someday. I'm just not ready in any sense to seriously take on such a thing.
Children are really awesome human beings and make you think differently.
But, like I've said before, it does no one any good if you're not ready.
Unlike a standard relationship, it also affects the child.
Your actions have even more consequences.
I'm very understanding of both parties.
I just think at the end of the day, no matter how we may feel about someone, we should be thinking if we can truly provide the life they need and or deserve. That's all.
I don't see anything wrong with dating someone with children, but only if you're actually ready and capable of handling such things.
Not everyone is ready to settle down and have a family.
It doesn't make them horrible people, it simply makes them human.
To be honest, if you know you're not ready to take on the responsibility that comes with parenting, I applaud you.
Too many people jump into things without thinking of the responsibilities that it brings about.
I understand the desire to engage in such acts, but responsibility is key.
Personally, I would love to have a kid someday. I'm just not ready in any sense to seriously take on such a thing.
Children are really awesome human beings and make you think differently.
But, like I've said before, it does no one any good if you're not ready.
Unlike a standard relationship, it also affects the child.
Your actions have even more consequences.
I'm very understanding of both parties.
I just think at the end of the day, no matter how we may feel about someone, we should be thinking if we can truly provide the life they need and or deserve. That's all.
nerdygirl
Well-known member
The Good Citizen said:
Why would you -1 Sterling's post?
Maybe some of you don't feel this way about your child(ren), but I want so much more for my child than to merely be tolerated . If I'm going to be in a relationship with anybody, he's going to actually like kids. He's going to attend basketball games and help out with homework- not because it would impress me, but because he actually cares about my kid.
There is nothing wrong with not liking kids. Some of us just don't have that maternal/ paternal drive, and I think it's a lot better to just be honest about it. Why pretend everything is okay if it isn't? Who does that benefit? Since when is it a good idea to base your relationship on a lie?
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The Good Citizen
Guest
NG I respect the fact you took the time to explain your position but Sterling I found your comment flippant, abrupt and lacking any effort to explain yourself.
Firstly to make such a broad sweeping statement as "I don't particularly like them" doesn't do yourself any credit. I mean is it ok to say that about any other section of society, try it, pick one "I don't particularly like".... women? men? old people? blacks? jews? muslims, eskimos?. Broad statements like that are often perceived at worst as offensive and at best ignorant and idiotic. What does it say about you to just write off a huge section of society like that?
Secondly its not uncommon for single parents to worry about the fact that their kids are going to be perceived as baggage and make it harder to find someone and make them feel lonely and worried about the future, I know I have done at points. So if you want to comment but can only stretch to two lines to say I don't like kids... I can't be arsed with the hassle of finding a sitter, dump him.. well I found it a thoughtless, rude and ultimately lazy contribution to make.
How about "I don't like obese people, can't be arsed with the health bills, dump her" or "I don't like shy people, can't be arsed with being patient, dump him." I'd put it on par with that as being needless and insensitive.
"I honestly don't care if people don't agree with my thoughts or opinions"
I think its more the case that you don't care how your thoughts or opinions are taken.
So it got the response I felt the post deserved... a rather dismissive -1.
I always try to think there are no bad posters on here just bad posts, its not personal, that was just one that annoyed me.
Firstly to make such a broad sweeping statement as "I don't particularly like them" doesn't do yourself any credit. I mean is it ok to say that about any other section of society, try it, pick one "I don't particularly like".... women? men? old people? blacks? jews? muslims, eskimos?. Broad statements like that are often perceived at worst as offensive and at best ignorant and idiotic. What does it say about you to just write off a huge section of society like that?
Secondly its not uncommon for single parents to worry about the fact that their kids are going to be perceived as baggage and make it harder to find someone and make them feel lonely and worried about the future, I know I have done at points. So if you want to comment but can only stretch to two lines to say I don't like kids... I can't be arsed with the hassle of finding a sitter, dump him.. well I found it a thoughtless, rude and ultimately lazy contribution to make.
How about "I don't like obese people, can't be arsed with the health bills, dump her" or "I don't like shy people, can't be arsed with being patient, dump him." I'd put it on par with that as being needless and insensitive.
"I honestly don't care if people don't agree with my thoughts or opinions"
I think its more the case that you don't care how your thoughts or opinions are taken.
So it got the response I felt the post deserved... a rather dismissive -1.
I always try to think there are no bad posters on here just bad posts, its not personal, that was just one that annoyed me.
nerdygirl
Well-known member
You cannot categorize children with race, gender, or culture. Having a child is not like being obese. At best, we might compare it to having a pet- except nobody would get sanctimonious if you said, "I don't like pets."
As long as you're talking about a pet, you're not a bad person if you don't want to deal with medical bills, cleaning poop, hair/ slobber on your clothing, the smell/appearance when somebody steps into your home, regardless of how often you clean. It's okay if you don't want to deal with finding a day care or sitter while you're away. Nobody thinks less of you for not wanting to totally rearrange your schedule for illness, classes, or anxiety.
The moment you say you don't want to become/ date a parent and do all of this (and more), you become the bad guy.
As long as you're talking about a pet, you're not a bad person if you don't want to deal with medical bills, cleaning poop, hair/ slobber on your clothing, the smell/appearance when somebody steps into your home, regardless of how often you clean. It's okay if you don't want to deal with finding a day care or sitter while you're away. Nobody thinks less of you for not wanting to totally rearrange your schedule for illness, classes, or anxiety.
The moment you say you don't want to become/ date a parent and do all of this (and more), you become the bad guy.
T
The Good Citizen
Guest
nerdygirl said:
So what category DO they fit into that allows you to discriminate that you don't particularly like them. Age group? Ok "I don't like pensioners they are old and miserable and etc etc".. Age concern wouldn't tolerate that.
I'm not being sanctimonious, I think it interesting that a sweeping statement that you don't like children is accepted. Can you think of another section of society, where its permissible to make that statement? Why is a child allowed to be dismissed as being unlikeable before you've met them? Whether its PC though is not really the issue, it was just a lazy statement, inkeeping with the whole post, as was the view that they are nothing but hassle and the rather cold summary statement that she should just dump him. There are single parents on here and if you want to give your reasons as to why they are not worth dating I think you have to choose your words a little more carefully.
You can't compare a child to a pet, my 14 year old son would be a bit pissed if that was the status he was given! He is a very intelligent, sensitive and caring individual who currently has to deal with bullying on a daily basis, another strange quirk of being a child, the only section of society where it seems acceptable to spend your days in head locks and having your lunch box kicked across the classroom, but he's just a kid and boys will be boys and all that bullshit which means his bully has been at it for 2 years without much more than a regular telling off. I do find it annoying to just write all kids off to be honest I dont think I'm being sanctimonious at all. By all means have your reservations and as you say be aware of what you are getting yourself into but if you meet Mr or Mrs right and you decide to pass because you can't be bothered with having to arrange child care you're missing out, you can strike up a bond with someone's child and have another fulfilling relationship into the bargain, it doesn't have to be about confrontation and agro!
Look I like a good discussion, it doesn't really matter to me in the grand scheme of things what Sterling or anyone else thinks. If anything I think its a shame if anyone can't see how a child can enrich your life and only see the burden of responsibility that comes with it. If, on a board where so many people are lonely, people can be overlooked because they have a child its closing off potential avenues to finding happiness with the right person. I guess if someone can't be arsed to lift a finger with respects to my kids, what hope would I have to be able to count on them in other aspects of my life, what if I fell ill for example and had to rely on them, so I do see kids as being useful in separating the wheat from the chaff when it comes to meeting a supportive partner.
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Romantic_Flower
Guest
Well, I'm a man. But I would date, even merry, a woman who had a child. I dont care about this. Love has no boundaries.
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Sterling
Guest
So, lets explain why I don't like children nor want them since that's what you want.
I don't want to be responsible for another human being for the next 18 years or even longer depending on other circumstances. There are things I want to do in my life and with my life, which excludes children. Might make me seem cold hearted for saying this, but I really just find them time consuming, money consuming, messy, loud, etc. If other people want kids, that's awesome. I hope everyone can get what they want out of life, but I don't want that.
All in all, who cares if I don't like children? Really, what is the big deal? It's not like I'm trying to get men to give up their children, leading people (who want kids) into relationships then telling them, or mis-treating them. I don't like them, so I'd prefer someone who doesn't have them or wants them. I say this up front. Big whoop.
Also, if ruling out kids means I'll have a harder time finding someone to 'be happy with'....then so be it, he's not the right man for me anyways.
I don't want to be responsible for another human being for the next 18 years or even longer depending on other circumstances. There are things I want to do in my life and with my life, which excludes children. Might make me seem cold hearted for saying this, but I really just find them time consuming, money consuming, messy, loud, etc. If other people want kids, that's awesome. I hope everyone can get what they want out of life, but I don't want that.
All in all, who cares if I don't like children? Really, what is the big deal? It's not like I'm trying to get men to give up their children, leading people (who want kids) into relationships then telling them, or mis-treating them. I don't like them, so I'd prefer someone who doesn't have them or wants them. I say this up front. Big whoop.
Also, if ruling out kids means I'll have a harder time finding someone to 'be happy with'....then so be it, he's not the right man for me anyways.
T
The Good Citizen
Guest
Ok. I love my kids you love your make up... each to their own I guess.
Peter Lorre
Well-known member
Well, the point isn't that you don't want children, but that you dislike all children. How can you make such a generalisation, when they're all completely different? Also, not wanting them is not a reason to dislike them
I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that I think it's difficult for TGC to read that certain people out there label all children as 'obnoxious', because his child's being bullied. This would mean that his child's as bad as his own bullies. That and the fact that he's a single parent, and nobody wants to be deemed 'undateable' or see their children as 'baggage'.
OT: I think it's a case of giving and taking. The parent needs to realise that his new partner and his child should be on the same level, and not proudly run around stating 'my child is always number one'. The new partner should realise that he/she has become a parent, and needs to take some responsability. It's not 'his mistake' but 'your child'. You can't really date a parent casually. This can obviously only work if the parent and child are willing to let you in.
I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that I think it's difficult for TGC to read that certain people out there label all children as 'obnoxious', because his child's being bullied. This would mean that his child's as bad as his own bullies. That and the fact that he's a single parent, and nobody wants to be deemed 'undateable' or see their children as 'baggage'.
OT: I think it's a case of giving and taking. The parent needs to realise that his new partner and his child should be on the same level, and not proudly run around stating 'my child is always number one'. The new partner should realise that he/she has become a parent, and needs to take some responsability. It's not 'his mistake' but 'your child'. You can't really date a parent casually. This can obviously only work if the parent and child are willing to let you in.
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Sterling
Guest
I never said it was a reason, I was stating that I do not want them.
L
Lonely in BC
Guest
Sterling said:
Personally, I think kids are great, I'd rather deal with them than most "adults". The Kid is the most important person in my life, I often suspect that I would be directionless without her.
Having said that though,I admire Sterling for knowing what is important in her life- if it means not being responsible for or having kids, kudos for recognizing that it is something that she doesn't want to take on board. For those that would question that decision- I say way more than "-1" as you are lamely trying to assert your beliefs or point of view on someone who has clearly expressed that is something best not taken on board in their life. There are far too many negligent mothers (and fathers in all fairness) who claim to love their children but don't really seem too engaged with them- "having a life" seems to be more of a priority than raising their kids.
Sterling, despite my thinking it's a lame way to get approval or bonus points on a forum I give you a "+1" for being honest regarding what you feel you can take on.
All those who disagree with me, feel free to join the line-up, I'm not interested in popular consensus. TGC- you are way out of line with your opinion, you should be showing some respect for someone who recognizes something in themselves that tells them they are not a candidate for a particular task. I can't help but say this - I hate stupid people!
BTW, I would willingly date a woman that had kids.
T
The Good Citizen
Guest
I can't respect a view that brands all children as being unlikeable, theres nothing 'worthy' in deciding all kids are obnoxious and messy or loud because that is plainly not true.
The post I had most issue with was the initial one which I quoted when responding with '-1'. I then stated that there are no bad posters, only bad posts so my point was that she wasn't, to quote you "someone who has clearly expressed" her point of view at all but made a dismissive 2 line comment on an emotive subject that, yes as a one time single parent I felt was flippant and dismissive.
Without wanting to repeat myself, I thought that was clearly my objection and the reason for an equally dismissive "-1" in response.
We can all label each other stupid if you think that helps BC, I think 'hates' taking it a bit far personally and probably a bit childish... which is ironic really.
The post I had most issue with was the initial one which I quoted when responding with '-1'. I then stated that there are no bad posters, only bad posts so my point was that she wasn't, to quote you "someone who has clearly expressed" her point of view at all but made a dismissive 2 line comment on an emotive subject that, yes as a one time single parent I felt was flippant and dismissive.
Without wanting to repeat myself, I thought that was clearly my objection and the reason for an equally dismissive "-1" in response.
We can all label each other stupid if you think that helps BC, I think 'hates' taking it a bit far personally and probably a bit childish... which is ironic really.
nerdygirl
Well-known member
Wait, having a child cannot be compared to having a pet, but it can be compared to being obese? Meeting adjourned. This is so far into the, "I'm just being emotional" zone that there's simply no point.
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Sterling
Guest
The Good Citizen said:
And I can't respect anyone's views when they can't even accept that other people have different ones.
If some girl originally said she didn't want to go out with anybody who was happily overweight, but changed her mind because she wasn't meeting skinny guys she liked...but then she was miserable because he refused to go dancing or to eat anything healthy with her, and she didn't know if she should stay with him...and you said, "I hate when fat people refuse to try to be healthier. Dump him". I cannot imagine that being so bad.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
Limlim said:
It's not butter. It was NEVER butter!!! :club:
SofiasMami
Well-known member
Hi there
I've dated men with kids and don't mind it. Since I have one, I get all the issues that come with with kids & dating. The woman described in the OP though should not date men with kids.
Teresa
I've dated men with kids and don't mind it. Since I have one, I get all the issues that come with with kids & dating. The woman described in the OP though should not date men with kids.
Teresa
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SophiaGrace
Guest
The Good Citizen said:
Wow.
