Yeah, another "Never had a girlfriend" post

[Batman55]

These are good thoughts to ponder for people over 25 in those circumstances, but the OP might be a bit young to be considering that and he shouldn't give up just yet.

I agree.

(And hopefully the OP never reaches the point at which I now find myself.)

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Warning: Nihilistic side ahead.

Why not forget dating altogether? Who needs the pain and the bother and the problems of finding someone, and then meeting his/her family and 10+ of his/her closest friends, exes who may be jealous or aggressive, the problem of financial compatibility, "am i good enough?", insecurity and any number of other things that come with it.

Then of course, if someone (not anyone in particular) happens to have no status with no skills and a poor ability to learn new skills, you might as well be back in kindergarten and the problem of making yourself a more viable product starts to look astronomical.

Dating/relationships are not only one of the least controllable things in the world--how can you control for whether or not someone will accept you, for one thing--but it is also one of the most painful. My impression is that you need to be a 100% fully functioning, well-established human being with full confidence to even have a good reason to date. Be careful what you wish for, folks...

These are good thoughts to ponder for people over 25 in those circumstances, but the OP might be a bit young to be considering that and he shouldn't give up just yet.

Why over 25?

I think I'm going to keep on trying, until I'm 50 and still in this position. Then, and only then, may I resign myself to being alone.

 

[Shiloh253]

There are days I really want to give up on trying to find someone, or even letting people get close to me. I always feel so awkward around anyone that I'm not good friends with, like I can never say the right thing or always make myself look like an idiot in front of everyone.

 

[Grackle]

There are days I really want to give up on trying to find someone, or even letting people get close to me. I always feel so awkward around anyone that I'm not good friends with, like I can never say the right thing or always make myself look like an idiot in front of everyone.

Same thing happens to me. I find myself completely void of anything to say. Lunch time at work is unbearable. I fear if I add to the conversation, I'll just be proving to everyone how boring and stupid I am. Times when I'm invited to meet up with co workers after work, i just can't make myself go. Knowing I'm boring is one thing but to prove it to everyone I work with just won't happen.
I know the only way to feel better is to go out and socialize but another part of me just wants to stay away from people. Fear of what they will think of me is what's the problem, I think.

 

[EveWasFramed]

For Shiloh and Grackle...

You guys should read up on current events, world news and a variety of special interest topics!!!
I'm not a social butterfly, but I can usually add a sentence or two to any given conversation just because Im well-read!
It's the ONE thing you can do that gives you immediate results.

 

[Grackle]

Hmmm, sounds like something I could do. I've always stayed away from politics in fear of being on the wrong side but we do have a community newspaper that is published twice a week. Getting a good sense of whats happening in my town might be a good start.
Thanks for the advice.

 

[jaguarundi]

Same thing happens to me. I find myself completely void of anything to say.

You don't have to be chock full of interesting things to say to say to be part of the group. A little bit of current affairs or community news as Eve and Grackle said, ^ plus a few strategic questions, such as "What do you think about ...[the sinkhole that swallowed a house in Florida][they are demolishing a building to put up a new local shopping mall] etc etc. Or even if you know nothing about a subject you can ask about a person's hobbies, or what they like about the area they live in - - - -

Many people like to give their opinions, and like a good listener to give them to. Learn to be a good listener and you will not be without friends, also you might learn stuff.

I once spent an interminable couple of hours listening to a date drone on and on about his love for fishing. I was almost bored senseless - nodded and listened, asked a few questions about what he liked about fishing - and took some of it in. What do you know, a very senior manager at work turned out to be in love with fish as well - I was able to ask a couple of semi-intelligent questions and make a couple of observations - he thought I was great - no-one else at work was interested.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Warning: Nihilistic side ahead.

Why not forget dating altogether? Who needs the pain and the bother and the problems of finding someone, and then meeting his/her family and 10+ of his/her closest friends, exes who may be jealous or aggressive, the problem of financial compatibility, "am i good enough?", insecurity and any number of other things that come with it.

Then of course, if someone (not anyone in particular) happens to have no status with no skills and a poor ability to learn new skills, you might as well be back in kindergarten and the problem of making yourself a more viable product starts to look astronomical.

Dating/relationships are not only one of the least controllable things in the world--how can you control for whether or not someone will accept you, for one thing--but it is also one of the most painful. My impression is that you need to be a 100% fully functioning, well-established human being with full confidence to even have a good reason to date. Be careful what you wish for, folks...

I won't accept that every man who is in a relationship is so much better than me.

YES. This^. In fact that's exactly my problem - I keep losing the girls I like to really shitty guys. I too won't accept that they are better than me - not even close. It's really frustrating to lose to this type of person.

 

[Batman55]

YES. This^. In fact that's exactly my problem - I keep losing the girls I like to really shitty guys. I too won't accept that they are better than me - not even close. It's really frustrating to lose to this type of person.

I'll agree to this if these "shitty guys" are womanizing jerks, or clearly arrogant, something of that sort. I suppose I might be "better" than such men in some way, in so far as I find no reason to put on airs and act like I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

Barring that difference, I'm far from anything special, and to say otherwise would be dishonest at worst, and twisted optimism at best.

 

[TheSkaFish]

YES. This^. In fact that's exactly my problem - I keep losing the girls I like to really shitty guys. I too won't accept that they are better than me - not even close. It's really frustrating to lose to this type of person.

I'll agree to this if these "shitty guys" are womanizing jerks, or clearly arrogant, something of that sort. I suppose I might be "better" than such men in some way, in so far as I find no reason to put on airs and act like I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

Barring that difference, I'm far from anything special, and to say otherwise would be dishonest at worst, and twisted optimism at best.

The shitty guys I refer to are wanksters, drug addicts, and criminals. I stand by my assessment of them as shitty, and of myself as a cut above. I'm not perfect but I'm no scumbag. I shouldn't ever lose to guys like that.

 

[jaguarundi]

TheSkaFish Wrote The shitty guys I refer to are wanksters, drug addicts, and criminals. I stand by my assessment of them as shitty, and of myself as a cut above. I'm not perfect but I'm no scumbag. I shouldn't ever lose to guys like that.

If a girl prefers a guy like that, then I would say she most definitely is not the girl for you.

If this is happening a lot, I think fishy-dishy, that rather than wonder what you are doing wrong with them, it might be a good idea to go right back to basics and review why you are attracted to these kind of girls? If they all fall into the same type, that is. Or maybe the type of people you are hanging out with, or where you are hanging out?

A girl who knows or is finding it easy to meet drug dealers and criminals would not seem to be a good bet from the off. (Wankers are ubiquitous so I won't include them)..

Also, you talk about 'losing' to guys like that. I guess (hope?) that is just a figure if speech, but just to remind you, a girl is not a prize to be lost or won like a doe chewing the cud whilst the stags go at it with the antlers. And a girl who likes this stuff is one to be avoided at all costs... she's doing it to make herself feel special.

 

[Batman55]

The shitty guys I refer to are wanksters, drug addicts, and criminals. I stand by my assessment of them as shitty, and of myself as a cut above. I'm not perfect but I'm no scumbag. I shouldn't ever lose to guys like that.

Agreed.

 

[Taijiquan]

Shiloh.

You need to see value in yourself before anyone can ever see value in you. Take time away from looking for a girlfriend and spend time trying to be happy with yourself. This is something it took me many years to figure out and work towards. When you are finally happy with yourself you will be like a lamp in the darkness, people will enjoy being around you and it will allow you to develop healthy and strong relationships.

I have had many girlfriends in the past. In my younger days I was the kind of guy that would kick them out of my bed after putting a notch on my belt. I was a terrible person. One day a good friend of mine, who we had spent intimate time together in the past, told me I needed to stop viewing women as things and realize that women are people, individuals with feelings and preferences.

I know, seems like common sense but I was an angry drunk in my younger days that eventually led me to living on the streets for quite some time. After that I still tried everything to get a girlfriend because it felt like a checkbox. Sure I began treating the young ladies better but it still didn't feel right for me, and then because of that it destroyed the relationships I tried to make.

Years of this led me to realizing I didn't value myself. I didn't even like myself. I was setting myself up for failure and I was my own worse enemy. I withdrew for awhile, afraid to do or say things because it might make me look stupid. I spent time meeting myself and then I started pushing myself into awkward situations to get over my fear of ridicule. I took college courses based around speaking in public, striking up random yet appropriate conversations with people and eventually started teaching biology and anatomy at the high school level.

I then realized we all say stupid things and we say it a lot! The difference is I began to laugh at myself when I do or say something "stupid" and just rolled with the punches. I showed people without even saying anything personal how comfortable I was with myself. You still have a long life with yourself. Girlfriends will come and go.

So to wrap it up because I can ramble on a lot. Women have different preferences but all of them like someone who is happy and comfortable with themselves. Never do the things I did when I was young, angry and really stupid. I do wish you the very best and I have all my faith in you that you can do it.

 

[Shiloh253]

Shiloh.

You need to see value in yourself before anyone can ever see value in you. Take time away from looking for a girlfriend and spend time trying to be happy with yourself. This is something it took me many years to figure out and work towards. When you are finally happy with yourself you will be like a lamp in the darkness, people will enjoy being around you and it will allow you to develop healthy and strong relationships.

I have had many girlfriends in the past. In my younger days I was the kind of guy that would kick them out of my bed after putting a notch on my belt. I was a terrible person. One day a good friend of mine, who we had spent intimate time together in the past, told me I needed to stop viewing women as things and realize that women are people, individuals with feelings and preferences.

I know, seems like common sense but I was an angry drunk in my younger days that eventually led me to living on the streets for quite some time. After that I still tried everything to get a girlfriend because it felt like a checkbox. Sure I began treating the young ladies better but it still didn't feel right for me, and then because of that it destroyed the relationships I tried to make.

Years of this led me to realizing I didn't value myself. I didn't even like myself. I was setting myself up for failure and I was my own worse enemy. I withdrew for awhile, afraid to do or say things because it might make me look stupid. I spent time meeting myself and then I started pushing myself into awkward situations to get over my fear of ridicule. I took college courses based around speaking in public, striking up random yet appropriate conversations with people and eventually started teaching biology and anatomy at the high school level.

I then realized we all say stupid things and we say it a lot! The difference is I began to laugh at myself when I do or say something "stupid" and just rolled with the punches. I showed people without even saying anything personal how comfortable I was with myself. You still have a long life with yourself. Girlfriends will come and go.

So to wrap it up because I can ramble on a lot. Women have different preferences but all of them like someone who is happy and comfortable with themselves. Never do the things I did when I was young, angry and really stupid. I do wish you the very best and I have all my faith in you that you can do it.

Thank you, for the kind words and advice. I have a lot of trouble being content with myself, let alone actually happy, with how little confidence I have. Every time I try to work up the courage to do something, especially trying to talk to girls or start up conversation, it seems I'm automatically reminded of how weird I believe myself to be, and how no rational person would actually want to be around me. I'm trying to work through that, but it always creeps back in.

 

[Groucho]

it seems I'm automatically reminded of how weird I believe myself to be, and how no rational person would actually want to be around me.

Curious that you say this because I have a similar stance. Except my weirdness level is probably far weirder than yours (not intended as a brag, just... my life is weird).

When you say weird? What sort of weird? I imagine you're like me in that you don't want to properly describe in-case people on the forums get... 'offended' or whatever it is people do when they don't like a particular set of weirdness (repulsed? Avoidant?), so I don't mind if you're vague or ambiguous but I want to see if we have any common ground in terms of weirdness.

 

[Shiloh253]

it seems I'm automatically reminded of how weird I believe myself to be, and how no rational person would actually want to be around me.

Curious that you say this because I have a similar stance. Except my weirdness level is probably far weirder than yours (not intended as a brag, just... my life is weird).

When you say weird? What sort of weird? I imagine you're like me in that you don't want to properly describe in-case people on the forums get... 'offended' or whatever it is people do when they don't like a particular set of weirdness (repulsed? Avoidant?), so I don't mind if you're vague or ambiguous but I want to see if we have any common ground in terms of weirdness.

Well, it seems that I rarely have much in common with people. I can generally keep up a conversation about most things, but I'm into very...niche hobbies and topics. For example, I'm pretty sure a girl wouldn't want to talk about the ballistic capabilities of various rifle calibers, and at the same time I'd be utterly lost if she brought up who won at the Oscars or what such-and-such a band was doing. Most of my leisure activities are solo affairs too. Hunting? I'm the only one in that blind/on the trail, with good reason. I'm not into any sports, save for mountain biking on occasion when it's not -20f outside. (effing wyoming)

It also doesn't help things that I'm a campus security intern at our school, which automatically puts a target on my back. We're the guys that always bust up rowdy parties and stop kids from doing stupid crap, which in turn makes them hate us. That really doesn't bother me, since I'm not a party type or like doing the stuff they're into. But being as we have a relatively small population at our college, it's not hard to find out who's hanging out with who, and most girls probably don't want to be with "that security guy who got us in trouble."

 

[SighX99]

I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 25.... so lame I am.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 25.... so lame I am.

I don't see how that's lame... or if it was at any other age either.

 

[Truthfully]

I'm in my 30's and never had a girlfriend. It doesn't get easier when you get older.

You are so young, though. Just don't worry about it, and move forward from here.

That's what I'm worried about. I have ZERO experience with relationships of any kind, which means that I'm at more and more of a disadvantage as time goes on.

I'm 22 and I've never had a relationship either. I've never really considered one, so it was never a problem to me. I don't think lack of experience will affect your chances of finding someone though. If a person likes you they'll accept you for who you are: with experience or not. Some people do care about experience (sexually) but why settle for a person like that when you could find someone who likes you beyond that and will help you through it?

I've always felt that searching for a person wasn't as real. It's usually the loneliness talking when you try looking for it, because then you're more open to accept anyone who will take you in: you become blind by the who that person can become than who that person really is.

You're still young though. If you go about not thinking about it, it won't bother you. Usually love knocks on your doorstep when you're not searching for it.

 

[Shiloh253]

Soooo, let's say that I ran into a girl that lives in our dorm who I kinda-sorta know (That term being relative, since I don't know her name) but I see her usually once or twice a day. She's cute but seems kind of shy and I always see her with one friend allll the time, and it's pretty obvious that they're really close friends. How would I go about trying to talk to her without coming across as creepy or seeming oddly desperate?