Hello.
I'm 22 year old male from Finland.
Since young age I have known there is something wrong about me. I have always been pessimistic to the extreme and hated myself. My friends have disappeared, because i have let them go.
Four years ago I had to be put in psychiatric ward for four months. There I met my first, and hopefully last, girlfriend. Our relationship was stormy.
She was suicidal, and every stupid trick made me more and more timid and shy. I couldn't say or do anything, but sometimes I just snapped when I had had enough and yelled. Se retaliated by making threats of taking her own life or hit me or threatened me with kitchen knives. I endured, though we were close of breaking up many, many times.
Worst thing she ever did was when we were in intimate situation and I got call from my parents that my uncle was dead. Only thing she could do to cheer me up was to cry that now I can't ever again have sex with her. She said she had great empathy, but if the situation even slightly touched her, she thought she had it worse. Once when she started acting violent, I hit her back. It seems females can only enjoy violence when the other half is too scared of consequences to defend himself. I felt bad again.
We finally broke up, but she still insist me to be her friend. Well she is my only social contact, not counting family. I am that beta. When I met her last time few days ago. she couldn't stop babbling about her new fantastic male friend and how he is her soul mate. Then when I tried to look happy she said happiness has never come to me from inside.
I had enough. I finally realized why I'm miserable. I know now what is wrong with me.
I can't feel joy, or happiness or anything remotely similar. It has always been like that.
She said I need a friend. I said fresia it. fresia everything. I finally can be myself. No need to smile ever again, no need to be friendly, no need to get a hobby, play games, write that **** book, listen to music or to do anything else than work. If hate is everything I have ever felt, then I'm going to feel it every day and night, I'm going to feed it to myself.
She wants to be my "friend". It's fine to me, I just do as she says, that's what friendship is, right? Driving her to places when needed, and helping with her hamster. But no way in hell I'm going to be her friend or even decent human being. I hope she gets hooked up fast with "Mr Dreamy", so she doesn't need me anymore. I already have picked up every single object that reminds me of her. Every gift and letter from her or her family, every thing I bought because of her. Everything. I'm going to push them to her apartment just to make her cry. If I can't be happy, at least I can make other people miserable, for me that is the same thing. Maybe then she finally stops calling me.
I highly doubt there is many other people like me, every other seems to want to be happy or goes emo. I can't just feel happiness, that is just a thing I must accept.
Thank you for reading, and sorry about long post.
I'm 22 year old male from Finland.
Since young age I have known there is something wrong about me. I have always been pessimistic to the extreme and hated myself. My friends have disappeared, because i have let them go.
Four years ago I had to be put in psychiatric ward for four months. There I met my first, and hopefully last, girlfriend. Our relationship was stormy.
She was suicidal, and every stupid trick made me more and more timid and shy. I couldn't say or do anything, but sometimes I just snapped when I had had enough and yelled. Se retaliated by making threats of taking her own life or hit me or threatened me with kitchen knives. I endured, though we were close of breaking up many, many times.
Worst thing she ever did was when we were in intimate situation and I got call from my parents that my uncle was dead. Only thing she could do to cheer me up was to cry that now I can't ever again have sex with her. She said she had great empathy, but if the situation even slightly touched her, she thought she had it worse. Once when she started acting violent, I hit her back. It seems females can only enjoy violence when the other half is too scared of consequences to defend himself. I felt bad again.
We finally broke up, but she still insist me to be her friend. Well she is my only social contact, not counting family. I am that beta. When I met her last time few days ago. she couldn't stop babbling about her new fantastic male friend and how he is her soul mate. Then when I tried to look happy she said happiness has never come to me from inside.
I had enough. I finally realized why I'm miserable. I know now what is wrong with me.
I can't feel joy, or happiness or anything remotely similar. It has always been like that.
She said I need a friend. I said fresia it. fresia everything. I finally can be myself. No need to smile ever again, no need to be friendly, no need to get a hobby, play games, write that **** book, listen to music or to do anything else than work. If hate is everything I have ever felt, then I'm going to feel it every day and night, I'm going to feed it to myself.
She wants to be my "friend". It's fine to me, I just do as she says, that's what friendship is, right? Driving her to places when needed, and helping with her hamster. But no way in hell I'm going to be her friend or even decent human being. I hope she gets hooked up fast with "Mr Dreamy", so she doesn't need me anymore. I already have picked up every single object that reminds me of her. Every gift and letter from her or her family, every thing I bought because of her. Everything. I'm going to push them to her apartment just to make her cry. If I can't be happy, at least I can make other people miserable, for me that is the same thing. Maybe then she finally stops calling me.
I highly doubt there is many other people like me, every other seems to want to be happy or goes emo. I can't just feel happiness, that is just a thing I must accept.
Thank you for reading, and sorry about long post.
Welcome!
