LonelyGuy1
Member
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2014
- Messages
- 19
- Reaction score
- 0
Yes, I'm still single, and yes, it still sucks. I feel like I'm working myself ragged just to get the consolation prize while I'm surrounded by people who do nothing yet still get to savor the jackpot.
For those of you who've read my other posts, you'll recall that I'm currently seeking a woman with whom to share my life. It's been a hellish experience, to say the least.
But I have to say that the toughest part of all of this is not the seemingly endless rejection I've had to endure over and over again.
The toughest part has been dealing with the comments directed at me in regards to my search for love. Many people know that I have made finding someone a priority in my life right now, and that seems to bother them.
I've been called desperate, overly fixated, and obsessed. I've been told that I should focus on the good things in my life. I've been called selfish and unappreciative for not focusing enough on the good things in my life. I've been told that I should not care so much about finding someone. I've been told that I should focus on myself first. I've been told that I should not look for someone to complete me or make me happy. I've been told to relax.
I find all of the above comments offensive for various reasons. But I think the overall impression that I'm getting on how single people are expected to behave really offends me the most.
Above all, it seems, we single people are not allowed to complain about being single, at least in front of coupled people. We are also not allowed to make it appear as though we are putting in actual effort to find someone. It should not be clear to anyone else how hard we may be working to find someone. It should be a private, almost shameful practice apparently, the whole 'looking for someone' thing.
There is another dimension to this issue of outside comments.
Over the past year, when I have been asked point-blank why I no longer wish to be single (yes, people have asked me this) and I have tried to explain why I really want to find a special woman with whom to share my life (I want to be in love, I want to experience physical intimacy, etc.) many people have taken my rational desires and somehow twisted them into evidence of something lacking in me that I need to address BEFORE I can be with someone.
'You need to work on yourself first.' 'Don't look for someone else to make you happy.' There seems to be NO answer I can provide as to why I want to find someone that is acceptable. Maybe I just want the chance to experience a normal adult romantic life. Maybe I'm tired of not knowing what romantic love feels like. Maybe I'd like to lose my virginity with a consenting partner with whom I am in love. It doesn't matter; everything I say is dismissed.
Apparently, I am supposed to be enjoying my suffering (or not suffering at all, I don't know) and I should just be patient as I await the blessed day when love decides to 'show up' for me.
I remember that before I was actively looking to find someone, I was often told to, 'Get out there! Put in some effort.' The fact that I wasn't too interested in finding someone seemed to bother some people. Now, those same people are very much bothered by the fact that I am putting in so much effort to find someone. 'You need to relax about this.'
I CAN'T WIN.
Of course, being a 35-year-old whose romantic and sexual experience is out of step with 95% of the people my age doesn't help either. This fact puts me in a different position entirely from the average single person my age who knows what being with someone feels like. I'm in a very unique category.
People who have been with someone romantically CANNOT imagine what it is like to be my age and just starting out. I find it INCREDIBLY offensive when they attempt to relate. They really have no idea, so I'd rather they just admit that they can't understand how this must feel for me. I'd appreciate that much more. I have no prior romantic experience from which to draw, so yes, most people will not understand how that feels.
Above all, I wish people would keep their hurtful comments to themselves. Apparently, I really need to use discretion in terms of what I reveal to people in my life about this whole thing.
Again, so glad I found this site.
For those of you who've read my other posts, you'll recall that I'm currently seeking a woman with whom to share my life. It's been a hellish experience, to say the least.
But I have to say that the toughest part of all of this is not the seemingly endless rejection I've had to endure over and over again.
The toughest part has been dealing with the comments directed at me in regards to my search for love. Many people know that I have made finding someone a priority in my life right now, and that seems to bother them.
I've been called desperate, overly fixated, and obsessed. I've been told that I should focus on the good things in my life. I've been called selfish and unappreciative for not focusing enough on the good things in my life. I've been told that I should not care so much about finding someone. I've been told that I should focus on myself first. I've been told that I should not look for someone to complete me or make me happy. I've been told to relax.
I find all of the above comments offensive for various reasons. But I think the overall impression that I'm getting on how single people are expected to behave really offends me the most.
Above all, it seems, we single people are not allowed to complain about being single, at least in front of coupled people. We are also not allowed to make it appear as though we are putting in actual effort to find someone. It should not be clear to anyone else how hard we may be working to find someone. It should be a private, almost shameful practice apparently, the whole 'looking for someone' thing.
There is another dimension to this issue of outside comments.
Over the past year, when I have been asked point-blank why I no longer wish to be single (yes, people have asked me this) and I have tried to explain why I really want to find a special woman with whom to share my life (I want to be in love, I want to experience physical intimacy, etc.) many people have taken my rational desires and somehow twisted them into evidence of something lacking in me that I need to address BEFORE I can be with someone.
'You need to work on yourself first.' 'Don't look for someone else to make you happy.' There seems to be NO answer I can provide as to why I want to find someone that is acceptable. Maybe I just want the chance to experience a normal adult romantic life. Maybe I'm tired of not knowing what romantic love feels like. Maybe I'd like to lose my virginity with a consenting partner with whom I am in love. It doesn't matter; everything I say is dismissed.
Apparently, I am supposed to be enjoying my suffering (or not suffering at all, I don't know) and I should just be patient as I await the blessed day when love decides to 'show up' for me.
I remember that before I was actively looking to find someone, I was often told to, 'Get out there! Put in some effort.' The fact that I wasn't too interested in finding someone seemed to bother some people. Now, those same people are very much bothered by the fact that I am putting in so much effort to find someone. 'You need to relax about this.'
I CAN'T WIN.
Of course, being a 35-year-old whose romantic and sexual experience is out of step with 95% of the people my age doesn't help either. This fact puts me in a different position entirely from the average single person my age who knows what being with someone feels like. I'm in a very unique category.
People who have been with someone romantically CANNOT imagine what it is like to be my age and just starting out. I find it INCREDIBLY offensive when they attempt to relate. They really have no idea, so I'd rather they just admit that they can't understand how this must feel for me. I'd appreciate that much more. I have no prior romantic experience from which to draw, so yes, most people will not understand how that feels.
Above all, I wish people would keep their hurtful comments to themselves. Apparently, I really need to use discretion in terms of what I reveal to people in my life about this whole thing.
Again, so glad I found this site.