Yup...I knew something was going to screw up

[58 Voyager]

Posted here a few years ago, and since. Not going to rehash it. It's all in my history.

But 3 years ago, I met someone I connected with like no one else. My PTSD interfered with us a few times in the first year but I got the treatment lacking before, and the last 2 years with her were awesome. I gave her a ring, and we began to plan our future together. Her ********* ex delayed things unnecessarily, which might have been a blessing now.

She has a son from that marriage who turned 15 a few days ago. And he is using drugs, and drinking like no tomorrow, and mom is doing nothing about it. I stayed out of it as he has a dad and mom to deal with it and it was made clear to me that I was not to interfere. Fine.

Well, long story short, kid and buddies smoking pot when they should be in school, landlord catches them, mom gets evicted. Mom looking for a new place to live, knowing sons trouble will follow, and she basically breaks off our relationship/engagement, to save me from a worse future. Imagine we are married and her son is now dealing pot from our house and the police raid and I lose my home and savings and job and passport.....

Point is, I loved her, drugs are bad and they ruin things, and I am now facing loneliness forever, as I don't have the energy to start again with dating.

I hate my life. Been lonely from birth. had 24 years marriage that was nice but still lonely as my ex was more a dependent daughter instead of best friend.....now, I have no one. Zero.

Did I say I hated my life?

 

[Xpendable]

I couldn't love someone who can raise such kid. Sorry man, the signs were all there.

 

[58 Voyager]

I couldn't love someone who can raise such kid. Sorry man, the signs were all there.

When I met her and gave her the ring, he was a nice quiet shy kid...that was 3 years ago. only this past January, after 4 months in high school, did he turn. Hooked up with the wrong crowd. Cant blame him, as he is full of anger...teenage years, fitting in with the cool kids in high school, mom and dad not together, oh, he will do anything to break us up so maybe mom and dad will get back together....the mind of a 15 year old.

 

[Nethic]

She has a son from that marriage who turned 15 a few days ago. And he is using drugs, and drinking like no tomorrow, and mom is doing nothing about it. I stayed out of it as he has a dad and mom to deal with it and it was made clear to me that I was not to interfere. Fine.

Well, long story short, kid and buddies smoking pot when they should be in school, landlord catches them, mom gets evicted. Mom looking for a new place to live, knowing sons trouble will follow, and she basically breaks off our relationship/engagement, to save me from a worse future. Imagine we are married and her son is now dealing pot from our house and the police raid and I lose my home and savings and job and passport.....

I don't know your situation. I don't know this woman. I don't know her son, or her ex. I don't even know you.

But reading that - it feels like there are things that you could have done. Things that you should have done. Part of loving this woman, means accepting that she has a son that has some problems.

These problems are not impossible to fix. If you really loved her, entirely loved her, do you think you could have done something to remedy the situation with the son? Even if you were told to stay out of the situation - you loved this woman, and you knew that the only reason why you couldn't be with her was because you were scared that her son would ruin your own future.

Again, I want to stress this point. Part of loving this woman, means accepting that she has a troubled son. Part of being with this woman, means accepting the fact that she has a troubled son. If that is an insurmountable problem for you, then you break it off and that's the end of it. But if you genuinely loved her, don't you think you could have done something to change this boy's future? Even if you were told to stay out? You could have communicated your fears to this woman - about losing your house. You could have also communicated to her that you love her. And you want to keep on loving her. And you want to be together with her. But in order for you to be together, you need to deal with this problem that is her troubled teenager.

Do you think that that is an insurmountable problem? Would it be an insurmountable problem if you would have been allowed to step in and take care of the situation with her son - and possibly show him a better way of living?

It's much easier to shift the blame to a troubled teenager, as the cause of your unhappiness and misfortune.

But to take responsibility for your own happiness and wellbeing - what do those words mean to you?

Edit:
Some questions / food for thought:
Is there anything you can do today, right now - to remedy the situation?

If you were given permission to interfere with her son - how might things be different, knowing that this son was the barrier to being with this woman who you loved?

If you could successfully heal her troubled teenager and show him a better way of living, how might that affect your life? How might that affect his life? How might that affect where you are today? Where would you be today?

Think about these things. See if there is anything you can do right now about this situation. If there is nothing you can do - learn from it, and move on with your life.

A great book to read on the subject of taking responsibility for your own happiness is called Taking Responsibility: Self-Reliance and the Accountable Life by Nathaniel Branden. I highly recommend it, and any other work that this author published.