Loneliness or just resentment towards women? Help...!

[LaughRiot]

Ok...I don't want to tell a giant story...so I'll go brief as I can.


My problem:
I feel that I have to keep a certain distance from people. I haven't made a new friend (real friend) in probably 3 years.This is not to say I am the loner person sitting by themselves in the lunch room, this is far from it. This also extends to my relationships. I feel that I cannot get close to a woman emotionally anymore. Although I have dated a few girls in the past 3 years, they never really went too far. Just recently, I found out my most current ex cheated on me. I just dumped her, I didn't even cry, didn't even care. It's like nothing even happened? I felt a bit of anger, but that quickly faded. :club:

So to get into detail, why do I feel lonely, but not only that, is that I'm starting to prefer it or see it as a realistic choice. Especially in regards to women.
I feel consistently alone, I feel that no one can understand me. I'm in group projects and activities that require me to be in constant personal contact with people. It's usually girls (Cause I usually just tell guys to fresia off straight up if they're being rude) that cause problems or borderline bully me. Yeah they will make snide comments or make fun of me, maybe it's a joke but because they are reoccurring trends - I assume they perceive me as weak and unable to fend for myself. Suddenly this opens up their "true color" as I like to say, and they usually say things they normally wouldn't. This is typically with girls that already have boyfriends and/or not interested in me.

I usually don't reply or "retaliate" as I find this immature, and I would personally feel disgusted if I had to step down to their level. But it really bothers me, because in everyone's eyes, I'm this silent retard (at least around girls).

But here is the psychological problem...

But for girls who are attracted to me, they act completely different. They ignore some of my weirdness or etc, and they obviously don't bully me. But then this sort of pisses me off, it's clear they're only doing this because they are attracted to me physically. But I guess this is my short coming, I find it really hard to act normal/not retarded/un-tense around girls that openly show interest in me. I don't know, I feel weird..I'm the person who doesn't like to get complimented..so you can imagine how weird it is for me when someone starts stroking my biceps.


P.S. ...another problem is that I'm basically a huge nerd/geek at heart (I don't look like it at all). So I assume when a girl finds out, they'll just freak and see me as a "lemon". You know, it's like buying something but then finding out it's bad? You get my idea?
And I don't know, maybe its because of where I live (I live in a large city of over a million people), but there are no geeky/gamer girls...at least in my classes at school/work place.

Anyways, this is getting so long, what I'm hoping for is that someone can give me advice on
1) not appearing so cold/distant
2) getting healthy relationships with girls
3) Am I just freaking OCD and over thinking everything?
4) I feel pretty emotionless these days, some dips into happiness or slight downs occur ...but mainly emotionless..


Ughh...why can't I just find a down to earth girl that I'm interested in and play fooz ball with and watch stupid pop culture movies like Scott Pilgrim vs the world and then go cuddle with? Wait I know, it's cause I chose the wrong college major. I am surrounded with fake, flaky, and generally shallow people (business). Ughhh........................................



If you're still reading...

Who am I?
-Young Male
-In College
-about to graduate
-worked at (will again when I finish) a high paced job in marketing
-I guess I'm above average attractiveness from my observations of girls coming up to me and etc (no ego here)
-A racial minority (not white or black or native american just FYI)
-Actively involved in student clubs and etc
-Played by a girl in my first year of college (I've let that go and even forgiven her. But the damage or resentment towards girls in general is still there)
-Some of my friends would say I'm too aggressive/assertive/open tongued about things
-Sometimes I just shutdown into a state of nervousness and do nothing/say nothing
-Sometimes I'm the center of the room
-I've had problems on freely speaking serious personal issues, but I'm working on this (getting better everyday)

 

[Ian Haines]

Just an opinion...

"-Played by a girl in my first year of college (I've let that go and even forgiven her. But the damage or resentment towards girls in general is still there)"

...there are your magic words - "...damage or resentment towards girls in general...".

That's the place to start - right there, but it certainly doesn't sound as if they are picking up on it.

 

[LaughRiot]

Just an opinion...

"-Played by a girl in my first year of college (I've let that go and even forgiven her. But the damage or resentment towards girls in general is still there)"

...there are your magic words - "...damage or resentment towards girls in general...".

That's the place to start - right there, but it certainly doesn't sound as if they are picking up on it.

That makes sense. The problem is, this is now a subconscious attitude now...I am always actively trying to think positive or never hold grudges/etc.

But subconciously, my mind and heart always has this automatic reflex to distance myself from women. Now I am just noticing because I am most likely hyper/over criticizing faults (personality wise) in women...almost as a justification for my subconcious reflexes.


.....FML.

 

[Ian Haines]

Okay...

Your problem sounds like it's buried at "original event" cognitive level and I don't think the girl who played you is the reason - I suspect that she was merely the red-rag to your unconscious mind's bull! I think it goes back further.

Now, the only problem with that is...we often cannot recall the events that caused us to wrongly, cognitively "swerve" away from the right judgement and response to them.

But, adequate cognitive or cognitive-behavioural therapy is pretty effective at helping to dig back up the hidden target, to make it more available to a new, better adjusted response series being put in place, instead of the originating mis-reading and mis-judging tendency that set in, later. If that event was the reason, then the unrequired modern mal-responses should melt away, over time. At least, that's what happens in a perfect-world-of-therapy-situation.

There is another way: replace the old, bad response that has become almost a part of your personal psychology...with layer upon layer of reasons for it to go away. Replace a bad experience with many, many good ones and see if your background suspicions or criticisms of sociable females swerves back towards something more realistic and, eventually, away.

Some percentage of what you've declared yourself aware of, in yourself, forms a guy's natural defence mechanism - you don't want all of it to go. You just want to put right a "misguide" from your past that has run rampant enough to adversely affect your daily life in the presence of people - in this case, specifically females.

Ian.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Subconsious reflexes. we all have them. Prevents more pain, but then you are lonely so it's kinda...uhm...not good?

 

[LaughRiot]

Yeah, the problem is that I feel both lonely and almost like "I guess this is better", almost like a hermit.

Ughh..

Thanks though, I've honestly never talked to anyone about this before in my life. Just talking about it has helped alot.

Yeah another problem, my stoic reactions at times causes people to think I'm arrogant (I've had female friends tell me this upfront). I didn't realize this until they started to tell me. I know another forum member had this issue too. But I am just the person who doesn't smile unless I legitimately want to/reflex smile .

 

[Ian Haines]

Hi...

Every non-emotion and unmoved-status I show to the world around me is read...not as coolness and reservedness, making sure that I view all that is happening, instead of speeding into a bad choice - IS VIEWED BY THOSE AROUND ME...AS PRECISELY THE SAME THING - as arrogance! Sometimes, just as pomposity. I know the real reason/s for mine and you know the real reason/s for yours. But, if the others in the world around us cannot get at us...feel annoyingly unable inspire the result that they were reaching for from us, then we are obviously right in being reserved, cautious and, quite often, untrusting of them.

But, their tendency to want to get a rise in emotion (or even just a showing of it) from us is our own proof that they have problems, also. And, with our defences high, we can let ourselves sink into those apparently dangerous situations at our own speed and on our own terms.

I think you're describing a very good defence mechanism, provided it isn't viewed, by you, as being sociopathic or outrightly divisive, between you and the female with whom you mix. That's one thing that I never say about my own. Mine is based on thousands of small and huge experiences that taught me what not to do next time around and what emotion never to show any time around.

On your terms, at your own chosen speed, to your own preferred depths, treasure your emotions' suit of armour and start letting yourself become involved. Feed the results, where they are not too private for revelation, back to this forum/board...others might benefit from attempting the same personally-devised social integration, or just a steady increase in it.

If you've left something out and would care to no longer leave it out, feel free to PM me.

Ian.

 

[French Toast]

It sounds like you have a few things going for you, especially if women are approaching you. That's half the battle right there! I think us guys tend to over-estimate how much women go for physical attractiveness, since it's been my observation that women are much more easily attracted by confidence and assertiveness.

Based on what I've read it sounds like you're plenty confident and assertive in certain ways. I wonder if maybe the problem is that you start out strong but hit a snag down the road. You mentioned that you sometimes worry about girls finding out about your "geeky" side, etc. But the thing is, women sense that kind of anxiety more easily than men can, so that might be what's actually making them think "lemon," when it otherwise would have nothing to do with your personal interests.

To be honest (and I know this is easier said than done) I think the best thing you could possibly do would be to take that "cold/distant" mentally and re-direct it towards not caring what a girl thinks about your personal life. I've always thought it was kind of cheesy whenever someone would tell me that "attitude is everything," but I've come to realize that there's a lot of truth to that. I don't know anything about marketing, but if you were marketing something to a customer you wouldn't worry so much about "what if they don't like what I have to sell." Instead you would have more of a "this is why you should like what I have to offer" sort of mentally. Hope that helps, somewhat.

 

[joeha]

I think I'm a lot like you. I wish I had good advice about the future or my past to tell you..

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I went through that most of my life even
Though I got involved plenty of relationships
Or married even.
Becuase of infidelity....of course my BF
was the one she cheated with..
A double doozer. So I also kept my distant
from males or never form close friendship
With males either.
Not saying i dont have friends..i do.
Ive dated plenty of women and sometime
I can be a manwhote. Lots of sexual extravaganza
because it effected my morals which is in conflict.
Then it becomes an escape..which cause mote
Guilt...hence the cycle of sex addiction that feeds
on itself.

---

The original source. I was never allow to talk about becuase you dont talk about other women
When your in a relationship
. Plus not being close to other males didn't
Help. If i did mentioned jt...they just say she
Was a slut. Or i wss tripping because my
Current GF is pretty. She right in front of me.
What im sayimg is...I burried it deep within
Me and never processes it.

I nevet felt that way about the original soutce.
I love her and always felt i couldn't love
Anyone else....
Im with the original source now.
Talk about honeysuckle comimh up and trihgers
Up the wazoooo.
I know its healing for the both of us.
Talk about facing down your demons.
.

---

Its like learning how to trust again.
Allowing myself to be love again.
everything that she is doing
Is triggerimg at the core as I'm
Processing it or releasing it.
But its intense sometimes because
All the pains flows out of me
when im in public sometimes.
Then i stuff it again.

---

The sedona is helping me.
Especially now.
Sometimes i dive into my pains
Other fimes i can let go..
But im having to the recordings
To help through this. I need the
Instructor to walk me through this.
Becuase im living in the myst of it.
Renae and i kove each other very much.
I feel i can love again. I feel her love for me.