Questions for the Women

[VanillaCreme]

I wouldn't be angry, perhaps a little annoyed.  A job is a job, after all.  However, I would make **** sure I did a better job than the men.  

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I have a question, though it's not really directed at women only.  

I keep seeing people looking for advice and then when they get advice they claim "you couldn't possibly understand because you have had relationships." On one hand, I kind of understand that line of thinking, but on the other, it's nonsensical. Wouldn't you rather have get advice from someone who HAS had relationships, instead of people who are in the same position as you are and therefore don't really know any more than you do?

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That's funny. I don't believe I've EVER heard anyone say that to me before, quite the opposite actually.
That happens?

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Yeah, happens here. Had that very comment directed at me. That I wouldn't know because I'm in a relationship, like I came out the womb with a partner or something. But I'd personally rather listen to someone who has been there, done that, than someone who hasn't gone through it. I know some folks would look at someone who has been divorced several times and wonder, "Why would I ever listen to them about marriage?" Well, who better? Who better than someone who has actually gone through it. You'd probably get a more knowledgeable point of view from someone who has experienced something. In the very least, they could tell you the motions of the situation, even if the circumstances aren't the same.

 

[Xpendable]

"Who better than someone who has actually gone through it"

Someone who went through successfully? and that came from a position of disadvantage?

I'll prefer to hear the guy with one long. happy marriage than the one with many divorces.

 

[kamya]

As others have said, similar backgrounds matter. If you are only basing your relationship advice on your own experiences, then the chances are high that your advice won't be very applicable to someone limited by a set of constraints and circumstances that are completely different from yours.

A lot of times people don't really even know why things work for them. They get lucky or have an easier path to success and rather than acknowledge it they feel like it's something they actually earned or "figured out".

It's the same reason people are more likely to take business/ investing advice more seriously if it's coming from Warren Buffett  than if it were to come from Donald Trump.

 

[ardour]

Someone with similar *personalities* and experiences, but who managed to get into a relationship, yes. Advice from the types of people who generally receive a lot of interest from the opposite sex is worth less than nothing to someone like me.

I'd also rather it came from a male. Not to undermine the 'lived experience' of awkward, less attractive women, but there are too many fundamental differences is terms of gender roles and attached expectations.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yeah, but a woman is going to know what is attractive in men than a man is....
Which brings us to another point.....what about gay men?  Do you take their advice too or do you not count that since they are looking for men?

Personally, I would consider any and all advice, whether a person is experienced or not.  I may dismiss a lot of it, but just because a person is experienced or not doesn't mean they couldn't offer good insight.

 

[VanillaCreme]

"Who better than someone who has actually gone through it"

Someone who went through successfully? and that came from a position of disadvantage?

I'll prefer to hear the guy with one long. happy marriage than the one with many divorces.

If you're going through a long, happy relationship, you most likely wouldn't need to hear about divorce. That advice is meant for someone going through the same situation.

 

[ardour]

Yeah, but a woman is going to know what is attractive in men than a man is....
Which brings us to another point.....what about gay men?  Do you take their advice too or do you not count that since they are looking for men?

Assuming she's willing to be honest (to herself as well). What gay men want is likely to differ too much.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yeah, but a woman is going to know what is attractive in men than a man is....
Which brings us to another point.....what about gay men?  Do you take their advice too or do you not count that since they are looking for men?

Assuming she's willing to be honest (to herself as well). What gay men want is likely to differ too much.

And who determines if she's being honest?  You?  The mods?  The CIA?  I've seen several people here assume that the person is "lying" and the only reason I can see would be that they simply don't like what the person said, they don't want to believe that someone (even someone attractive) might actually not care that much about something as trivial as looks or age or experience. 
Why not take them at their word?  What reason do you have to assume they are lying?

 

[Xpendable]

Their actions.

 

[user 115627]

Yeah, but a woman is going to know what is attractive in men than a man is....
Which brings us to another point.....what about gay men?  Do you take their advice too or do you not count that since they are looking for men?

Assuming she's willing to be honest (to herself as well). What gay men want is likely to differ too much.

And who determines if she's being honest?  You?  The mods?  The CIA?  I've seen several people here assume that the person is "lying" and the only reason I can see would be that they simply don't like what the person said, they don't want to believe that someone (even someone attractive) might actually not care that much about something as trivial as looks or age or experience. 
Why not take them at their word?  What reason do you have to assume they are lying?

To me it's not about lying. It's more about them being able to accurately articulate their thought process. Which presumes they actually did make a conscious choice and can account for the reasons why they chose or rejected this or that person. I take people by their words as long as their actions (as Xpendable says) don't raise significant doubts. It also dovetails with the free will debate.

 

[kamya]

Their actions.

Yup. When it comes to dating advice, women almost always contradict their advice with their own actions.

Reminds me of the old frog and scorpion fable.

If you observe the phenomenon enough times with enough women, it's natural to start taking anything they say about what they are attracted to with a heap of salt.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Their actions.

Yup. When it comes to dating advice, women almost always contradict their advice with their own actions.

Reminds me of the old frog and scorpion fable.

If you observe the phenomenon enough times with enough women, it's natural to start taking anything they say about what they are attracted to with a heap of salt.

That could be said for anyone. That's not a gender-based thing.

 

[TheRealCallie]

No, Nilla.  Men are clearly perfect.   

 

[Xpendable]

You mean honest.

 

[kamya]

Their actions.

Yup. When it comes to dating advice, women almost always contradict their advice with their own actions.

Reminds me of the old frog and scorpion fable.

If you observe the phenomenon enough times with enough women, it's natural to start taking anything they say about what they are attracted to with a heap of salt.

That could be said for anyone. That's not a gender-based thing.

 
Yes you're right! You can apply this to anyone about anything. I would hope it would be obvious but apparently not.

However, this profound revelation doesn't change the facts of anything that being said. You were questioning who/ what determines if someone is being honest. This is the answer. Yes, it can apply to anyone.

When it comes to the topic of relationship advice, there is definitely a pattern most men observe where most women tend to say they want one thing but when given a choice will go for something else. This could explain why some guys don't really value a women's opinion on what women want. 

If women noticed this pattern in men then women would treat our advice the same way. I believe most of us tend to give advice similar to Alex's advice in "He's just not that into you", but I might be biased.

 

[ardour]

Thing with less-than-honest sounding advice is that it seems like the right thing to say in the circumstances. Hence the 'vulnerability is okay', "just be open", "just be yourself" statements that seem highly suspect given someone's relationship history.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Virtue Signaling versus Mating Instinct

 

[user 115627]

I thought the common accusation towards men is that they're whiny and entitled ******** who just want perfect 10/10 big-titted bimbos - something that has been thrown out here before. But not that they're dishonest.

 

[TheRealCallie]

This is ridiculous.  If you want to know why you have issues, look at yourselves because that's where the problem is.  Not the shallow ass women, not the bad boys, not the...well, whatever else you try to blame.  The problem is with you.  If you can't/won't see that, that's also on you.  You have quite a few women (and even a man or two) telling you the same thing, but clearly we are all liars because it couldn't possibly be your perfect self that has the issue.

 

[Xpendable]

I assume you take the resposibility for your life choices too, including your relationship history. Because you know how it sounds if I blame you for your experiences.