[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif][size=small][font=Montserrat, serif]I posted this on a psychology website before, looking for some kind of advice or feedback or insight or any real acknowledgment, but I didn't get anything meaningful. I'm sorry if this treads the line a little, but I'm at the end of my rope and I want to know if I should really give up this time for real. Also sorry for the length. [/font][/font][/size]
[font=Montserrat, serif]I am a sophomore STEM student, barely a legal adult. Throughout my life, I've had nobody to talk to about my issues. Talking to my family, giving them a little glimpse at what's going on in my head, has never made me feel better, only worse. I've tried a couple of times when the weight of it got really bad, and it never helped. Just dismissal and "you'll grow out of it". Lately I've been thinking a lot that i'm loosing it.[/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]I don't get affection. I know little about what's it's like to receive it and I have no idea to how to express it myself. Throughout middle school and high school, I've had one or two friends/acquaintances at a time who I just talked to in class, but all of those relationships fizzled out every time. I'm sure I valued those more that the other person. I've become cynical about friendships and see them as a mercantile and unsatisfying way of boosting your ego and staving off boredom. I don't see any appeal in "hanging out".[/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]My sister told me once that in college there would be so many more people, I was bound to find people I "like", but I actually liked the people I was around less than the ones from my highschool. I grew up in a pretty well-to-do place and now I'm going to a big university with zero larger sense of group identity. For two years, I feel like I've been in a limbo with no real human connections to mark the time except with my parents. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]I[/font][font=Montserrat, serif]'m not a normal person. I've had violent, intrusive thoughts since I was in elementary school. Other intrusive thoughts too. At the peaks of my boredom and dissatisfaction, I used to actively have violent fantasies about the people around me. Other times I stole little things from here and there for the thrill of it. Then those types of thoughts became more sexual. Over the years, I've developed abnormal interests and beliefs too. I know how all this sounds. It's "bad", completely unacceptable. I can't erase it, not that I really feel guilty. I want to talk to somebody, anybody about this. So here I am. This is my best option. Therapy is not an option for me. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]What's been eating away at me since I graduated HS(and before, but less so) is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. When you look at my life, it's not normal, it's not "healthy". How could somebody look at the way I live and think I could be happy? Somebody asks how I'm doing and I say i'm fine every time. I'm not always fine. I wear a mask of normalcy and it works good enough. I can talk to people well enough to work with them or make small talk, but I'm unable to form and maintain relationships. I'm not interested in half-way or quarter-way relationships anymore either. I have a ravenous "hunger" to totally consume another person. I'm built to want these things, so I feel something fundamental to being a human is missing in my life, but i'm too dysfunctional to pursue it. I like how I am despite that. Whenever I see normal people around me, I never want to be one of them, even if I could press a button and make it happen. I feel lucky to be the way I am. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]If I manage to succeed on the path I'm going now, I'll hopefully be able to be a financially independent person. I'm doing alright so far. I plan on moving to the other side of the country and cutting off the familial relationships I have now. I know it's selfish and blah blah they fed me. I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me and they never helped as long as I was "functional". Nothing's guaranteed though. Everybody could be dead by the time I graduate. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad. Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? Technology is the only thing that gives me hope. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]I am a sophomore STEM student, barely a legal adult. Throughout my life, I've had nobody to talk to about my issues. Talking to my family, giving them a little glimpse at what's going on in my head, has never made me feel better, only worse. I've tried a couple of times when the weight of it got really bad, and it never helped. Just dismissal and "you'll grow out of it". Lately I've been thinking a lot that i'm loosing it.[/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]I don't get affection. I know little about what's it's like to receive it and I have no idea to how to express it myself. Throughout middle school and high school, I've had one or two friends/acquaintances at a time who I just talked to in class, but all of those relationships fizzled out every time. I'm sure I valued those more that the other person. I've become cynical about friendships and see them as a mercantile and unsatisfying way of boosting your ego and staving off boredom. I don't see any appeal in "hanging out".[/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]My sister told me once that in college there would be so many more people, I was bound to find people I "like", but I actually liked the people I was around less than the ones from my highschool. I grew up in a pretty well-to-do place and now I'm going to a big university with zero larger sense of group identity. For two years, I feel like I've been in a limbo with no real human connections to mark the time except with my parents. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]I[/font][font=Montserrat, serif]'m not a normal person. I've had violent, intrusive thoughts since I was in elementary school. Other intrusive thoughts too. At the peaks of my boredom and dissatisfaction, I used to actively have violent fantasies about the people around me. Other times I stole little things from here and there for the thrill of it. Then those types of thoughts became more sexual. Over the years, I've developed abnormal interests and beliefs too. I know how all this sounds. It's "bad", completely unacceptable. I can't erase it, not that I really feel guilty. I want to talk to somebody, anybody about this. So here I am. This is my best option. Therapy is not an option for me. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]What's been eating away at me since I graduated HS(and before, but less so) is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. When you look at my life, it's not normal, it's not "healthy". How could somebody look at the way I live and think I could be happy? Somebody asks how I'm doing and I say i'm fine every time. I'm not always fine. I wear a mask of normalcy and it works good enough. I can talk to people well enough to work with them or make small talk, but I'm unable to form and maintain relationships. I'm not interested in half-way or quarter-way relationships anymore either. I have a ravenous "hunger" to totally consume another person. I'm built to want these things, so I feel something fundamental to being a human is missing in my life, but i'm too dysfunctional to pursue it. I like how I am despite that. Whenever I see normal people around me, I never want to be one of them, even if I could press a button and make it happen. I feel lucky to be the way I am. [/font]
[font=Montserrat, serif]If I manage to succeed on the path I'm going now, I'll hopefully be able to be a financially independent person. I'm doing alright so far. I plan on moving to the other side of the country and cutting off the familial relationships I have now. I know it's selfish and blah blah they fed me. I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me and they never helped as long as I was "functional". Nothing's guaranteed though. Everybody could be dead by the time I graduate. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad. Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? Technology is the only thing that gives me hope. [/font]