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I think there might be something wrong with me
#11
(01-03-2021, 05:56 AM)polyp Wrote: From what I've seen on the internet, most people, or at least the most vocal ones, feel negatively about many of my interests. Most of what I know about the world and other people comes from the internet, so my perspective is probably skewed, but I think I have good reason to be more cautious than others. I can't say for sure when the line is crossed when I can mention something or not. Being able to spill absolutely all of my guts and still be accepted is my fantasy. 

If given a choice, I'd rather only have the one person instead of all this other stuff I don't actually want.

I thought that besides feeling lonely, I would be okay doing things the way I have been with just a good resume. If I'm actually going to starve to death because I don't become buddies with random people or my coworkers, that's pretty worrisome. 

What are your interests? That line is difficult, and i cant really help you there. I keep alot of things to myself, way too much most would say. Especially irl im pretty much a brick wall. But little by little you can tell when it's ok to share to something. It's a long process but it gets progressively better along the way.
I get you. I have the same fantasy that you describe. It's not going to happen. And if it is, not anytime soon. I'm sorry.

Obviously you won't literally die, but it's a safe bet to assume you'd be pretty miserable. You logged on here for a reason. A good job and work environment goes a long way, but no matter how good, it wont fill the void entirely. Trust me.

I honestly hope things get better for you and you'll feel better. You're at a pivotal point in your life and you have alot of options.
Happiness is a false God.
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#12
When you are only open to having just that "one person", you leave room for obsessive and addictive behaviors. And they tend to be more disappointing than not.
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#13
(01-03-2021, 06:57 AM)Hazed Wrote: What are your interests?

It's not going to happen. And if it is, not anytime soon. I'm sorry.

Obviously you won't literally die, but it's a safe bet to assume you'd be pretty miserable. You logged on here for a reason. A good job and work environment goes a long way, but no matter how good, it wont fill the void entirely. Trust me.
Since you asked, some normal things like music and movies, and weeb stuff, especially of the sexually deviant variety. Doujins, VNs, CGs. I can forget about talking about that stuff with most people, but even with people who like anime or whatever it seems dangerous. Being embarrassed is the least of what could go wrong. It's like as soon as people get a whiff of that you stop being human or something. Maybe that's just a false impression. 

I hope if I take things one day at a time it goes okay. You're right that I logged on here for a reason. Sometimes I can ignore my loneliness for weeks and just get through the day. It's winter break, so I don't have as much to keep me distracted. 
(01-03-2021, 07:00 AM)AmyTheTemperamental Wrote: When you are only open to having just that "one person", you leave room for obsessive and addictive behaviors. And they tend to be more disappointing than not.
I think there's worse things to be addicted to. If the feeling was mutual, wouldn't it be great?
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#14
Addiction is addiction.
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#15
(01-03-2021, 07:41 AM)polyp Wrote: Since you asked, some normal things like music and movies, and weeb stuff, especially of the sexually deviant variety. Doujins, VNs, CGs. I can forget about talking about that stuff with most people, but even with people who like anime or whatever it seems dangerous. Being embarrassed is the least of what could go wrong. It's like as soon as people get a whiff of that you stop being human or something. Maybe that's just a false impression. 

I hope if I take things one day at a time it goes okay. You're right that I logged on here for a reason. Sometimes I can ignore my loneliness for weeks and just get through the day. It's winter break, so I don't have as much to keep me distracted. 

I would consider it nonetheless, you do have something to talk about. And especially if you join a sport, or something where you do something, it gets easier because you can just talk about that. Obviously you'll need to reach out but it's a good foundation. I'm not sure if it's a false impression, but in my experience things are more relaxed and forgiving than you'd think.

Yeah i get you, winter break sucks in that regard lol. Be careful with the sexual deviant stuff, it can get very destructive without you realising.
Happiness is a false God.
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#16
Polyp, at least you've found some interest and kind support here, so you've done well to reach out to a new source.  Now let me add a Christian perspective that's been neglected thus far, starting with a response to these final statements of yours:
 
"Whenever I see normal people around me, I never want to be one of them, even if I could press a button and make it happen. I feel lucky to be the way I am. ... I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me ... Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? Technology is the only thing that gives me hope."

Are you aware that self identity is one of the most perceived problems among youth today?  There are reasons for that, and you should recognize that most of the people around you, especially in school, share that trait.  Perhaps that's why you assess others and don't envy being "normal" like them - because normal doesn't look look so great.  I agree - if you don't hang out with the right people.

If you absorb what school and culture has taught you for the past 2 decades, you'll believe that you're just a highly developed mammal existing in a world of natural chance processes, with no meaning, objective truth, moral values, or purpose in life.  Given that belief and value system, which is a religion by the way, it's no wonder people have self identity issues.  That's going to cause all sorts of strange behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and pursuits, as well as relationship deficiencies and failures.

I think you'd do well to consider that you were created by God for a purpose in life - to know and love him, and to love and care for others.  This IS the source of your self identity, your guiding path in life, and opportunity to acquire good, healthy relationships with others. Many people choose to ignore or reject this reality, but the truth in this case, does set one free from many of the worldly pressures, disappointments, and unsatisfying pursuits that you're facing.

Technology, the STEP program, and completion of school may offer you the successful career and financial security you want and need, but it won't give you peace, joy, and love in life.  Nor will it give you a lasting purpose, encouragement, and hope for the future that a Christian has.  If you turn your attention to God, the Bible, and Jesus, you'll gain a strong sense of self identity, a lasting purpose for your life, and a whole church family of people receptive to knowing and loving you as your Creator does. Now that won't make your whole life simple or easy, but I think it will clear up most of the problems and deficiencies that you're dealing with now.  Give it some thought and prayer.  You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
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#17
(01-04-2021, 06:41 AM)Sir Joseph Wrote: Polyp, at least you've found some interest and kind support here, so you've done well to reach out to a new source.  Now let me add a Christian perspective that's been neglected thus far, starting with a response to these final statements of yours:
 
If you turn your attention to God, the Bible, and Jesus, you'll gain a strong sense of self identity, a lasting purpose for your life, and a whole church family of people receptive to knowing and loving you as your Creator does. Now that won't make your whole life simple or easy, but I think it will clear up most of the problems and deficiencies that you're dealing with now.  Give it some thought and prayer.  You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I've talked with Christians extensively and read a few books of the bible before getting bored with it. I have thought about it. I wont claim to be an expert on your religion, but I'm sure it's not for me for a number of reasons I'll outline since you brought it up. 

I can't accept the concept of divine inspiration. If God wanted to write a book, he could have written it himself and dropped millions of copies down on earth. There's sects for a supposedly crystal clear ideology. Early Christianity's history is a mess and the whole Paul the apostle and Constantine thing is off-putting. I can't accept the Christian, Satan character. Somebody so beautiful and intelligent wouldn't waste their time doing something completely futile and ugly like a 2-dimensional cartoon villain. That's even lower than a lot of human beings. 

If every single thing which deviates from the narrow path of Christianity is evil, evil is vastly more interesting. Everything is going exactly according to God's plan. If he's all powerful and all knowing, he knew every single consequence for his actions, which instigated everything. He can change things effortlessly too, so there's no "he just let's stuff happen", he and he alone is responsible for everything being the way it is. There's also nothing stopping him from lying if he's all knowing and all powerful. 

In heaven there's no marriage or sex. Some think the "new bodies" people will have wont even have mouths or intestines since people wont need to eat and will communicate spiritually or whatever. A communion of people who are all connected and love each other equally and spend eternity praising god like it's Church 24/7 isn't appealing to me. A hatred for flesh and physical reality is fundamental to Christianity despite all the contemporary "conservative" proponents going on about family values incessantly. 

Christians' moral standards have clearly shifted over the centuries. The Church has always been made up of collaborators, going along with whatever the current political regime says. That's why it's survived for so long. Nearly all people in Church now are "pew warmers" or Christian when it suits them. On top of all that, Christians are against most of the things I'm interested in. So my interests, my liberty, my personality and lots of my time are all things I have to lose.  

I'm telling all this to you because I think you have good intentions, so I wanted you to at least know my reasoning. I'm not looking for a debate, so I wont. This will be my only post on Christianity, here for your information. 
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#18
Why do you want to be "normal"? Are you wanting to mold to society's ideals? Your family's ideals? Is that truly going to make you happy?

Do what makes you happy, although you might have to figure that out first.

I don't see anything "wrong" with you, other than your violent thoughts. That is something you should seek help for. With so many apps out there to talk to real counselors, you don't have to physically go. But it won't do you any good unless you believe and want to "get better".
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#19
Polyp, fair enough.  I appreciate the time of your response, which was quite interesting by the way.  I don't want to preach to anyone not receptive to it, so let me just close by wishing you success in sorting your life issues out.
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