Nic
Member
I am sitting in my living room, home for the holiday, and typing on my computer I have hooked up to the big screen; another late night of insomnia and anxiety, bring me back here.
I peruse the forums I have neglected and somehow, instead of feeling better, I feel worse. Identifying with people like me should give me comfort in knowing that I am not alone. They only make me dwell on myself; and I reflect upon the flaws I've come to see in myself. I accept them, because they are a part of me, but I still hate them, because I place so much blame upon their existence.
Thanksgiving. Another meal down, another forgettable "family" gathering. Dead immediate members and distant ones keep our numbers small. Just my mother, father, and sister. Mom and Dad should be divorced, but Mom won't sign the papers. Dad is seeing another women and no longer bears his wedding band. Mom believes Dad will come back, my sister is too dumbfounded to care. I hate them for pretending that nothing is the matter. I envy those happy families, those proud to announce their anniversary, and those with happy children. My family is a circus of actors pretending to be happy.
Mom always identified with my sister. Always gave her the extra attention; sheltered her. I would always fend for myself, because I was the man of the house, a job I never wanted. "Do it yourself" she said, "why do you need me?" she said. Yet she could never say "no" to my sister when she asked the same.
Dad prefers work to spending time with his son. Buy him a gift now and then to make him happy, send him money to please himself with. Give him a title to the sports car he fancied. Give him material things to keep him happy, because I won't be there.
Could anyone do something beyond the physical? Could anyone appeal to my soul? Could I hear those three words for the first time in my life!!?? Could anyone say "I love you" in sincerity and honesty!!?? OF COURSE NOT! I am trying very hard to remember what those words sound like. But I can not recall; the memory doesn't exist. No one has ever said that to me.
I dream of meeting someone who would have the courage to say those three words to me. I dream of what they sound like, and the gleam in their eye when spoken. I want that dream to end, to soothe my aching heart; to save me from myself.
But I am stuck. I cannot escape my own misery. How can I reach out to someone when I am stuck clutching my chest? This paradox is my undoing, and my greatest sorrow. I want to know what love is. I want to know the warmth of another against my body. Love is something that I want so badly, and try so hard to obtain, but always fall short of obtaining. I want to feel love for the first time in my life.
I dream of her, even though I have no idea who she is. I dream of escaping my past to her, to be held by her. I want to meet her, but she never manifests herself. She is but a dream, created in my sorrowful mind, she is a nonexistent entity.
I wish I had courage; the backbone to say something to "that girl", but I fear rejection. I cannot meet her because I do not possess courage, and I am at a loss for words. I imagine the "what if's". What she admired me, would she return my gesture? Or would I embarrass myself? I am stuck thinking like this, and when I come to my senses, my apparent opportunity is gone, and I will never see that girl again. Because I hesitated, because I had no courage.
I fear being alone for much longer, it already hurts so much. The few friends I have do not understand my true pain, or my troubles. I fear they are drifting away from me, losing their interest. No one admires the gloomy gus, or the sadistic dreamer. New friends are not appearing, and I am the one to blame. I never leave my quarters, I never act outgoing. I never say hello to people I met briefly. I never make eye contact, because I fear the look of others.
I was not always like this. I was happy once, I knew how to smile with all my heart. Where has happiness escaped me? Why can't I over come these fears? Why can't I change?
I used to be someone to look up to. I used to be a strong, outgoing individual with ambition. I was someone people went to for wisdom. I hated acting outgoing but I did it anyway, but I can't do that any more. I can't put aside my fears and conquer them. Fears that I defeated in the past. Why now am I failing!? Why now am I such a weak person?
I am mulling over my thoughts again, entering my vicious cycle of personal debate and sadness. I write this to put my thoughts down; to organize them. Maybe I will feel better expressing myself; to reflect upon what troubles me the most.
Thank You for Reading.
(Or just skipping to the bottom to see how long I could ramble on.)
I peruse the forums I have neglected and somehow, instead of feeling better, I feel worse. Identifying with people like me should give me comfort in knowing that I am not alone. They only make me dwell on myself; and I reflect upon the flaws I've come to see in myself. I accept them, because they are a part of me, but I still hate them, because I place so much blame upon their existence.
Thanksgiving. Another meal down, another forgettable "family" gathering. Dead immediate members and distant ones keep our numbers small. Just my mother, father, and sister. Mom and Dad should be divorced, but Mom won't sign the papers. Dad is seeing another women and no longer bears his wedding band. Mom believes Dad will come back, my sister is too dumbfounded to care. I hate them for pretending that nothing is the matter. I envy those happy families, those proud to announce their anniversary, and those with happy children. My family is a circus of actors pretending to be happy.
Mom always identified with my sister. Always gave her the extra attention; sheltered her. I would always fend for myself, because I was the man of the house, a job I never wanted. "Do it yourself" she said, "why do you need me?" she said. Yet she could never say "no" to my sister when she asked the same.
Dad prefers work to spending time with his son. Buy him a gift now and then to make him happy, send him money to please himself with. Give him a title to the sports car he fancied. Give him material things to keep him happy, because I won't be there.
Could anyone do something beyond the physical? Could anyone appeal to my soul? Could I hear those three words for the first time in my life!!?? Could anyone say "I love you" in sincerity and honesty!!?? OF COURSE NOT! I am trying very hard to remember what those words sound like. But I can not recall; the memory doesn't exist. No one has ever said that to me.
I dream of meeting someone who would have the courage to say those three words to me. I dream of what they sound like, and the gleam in their eye when spoken. I want that dream to end, to soothe my aching heart; to save me from myself.
But I am stuck. I cannot escape my own misery. How can I reach out to someone when I am stuck clutching my chest? This paradox is my undoing, and my greatest sorrow. I want to know what love is. I want to know the warmth of another against my body. Love is something that I want so badly, and try so hard to obtain, but always fall short of obtaining. I want to feel love for the first time in my life.
I dream of her, even though I have no idea who she is. I dream of escaping my past to her, to be held by her. I want to meet her, but she never manifests herself. She is but a dream, created in my sorrowful mind, she is a nonexistent entity.
I wish I had courage; the backbone to say something to "that girl", but I fear rejection. I cannot meet her because I do not possess courage, and I am at a loss for words. I imagine the "what if's". What she admired me, would she return my gesture? Or would I embarrass myself? I am stuck thinking like this, and when I come to my senses, my apparent opportunity is gone, and I will never see that girl again. Because I hesitated, because I had no courage.
I fear being alone for much longer, it already hurts so much. The few friends I have do not understand my true pain, or my troubles. I fear they are drifting away from me, losing their interest. No one admires the gloomy gus, or the sadistic dreamer. New friends are not appearing, and I am the one to blame. I never leave my quarters, I never act outgoing. I never say hello to people I met briefly. I never make eye contact, because I fear the look of others.
I was not always like this. I was happy once, I knew how to smile with all my heart. Where has happiness escaped me? Why can't I over come these fears? Why can't I change?
I used to be someone to look up to. I used to be a strong, outgoing individual with ambition. I was someone people went to for wisdom. I hated acting outgoing but I did it anyway, but I can't do that any more. I can't put aside my fears and conquer them. Fears that I defeated in the past. Why now am I failing!? Why now am I such a weak person?
I am mulling over my thoughts again, entering my vicious cycle of personal debate and sadness. I write this to put my thoughts down; to organize them. Maybe I will feel better expressing myself; to reflect upon what troubles me the most.
Thank You for Reading.
(Or just skipping to the bottom to see how long I could ramble on.)