A wasted life

[Squall1988]

hey all, ive been away from the boreds for a long time but i need help.

Since i was twelve ive been diagnosed with depression. My childhood was filled with temptation and opportunity to become a drug user,alcoholic,or criminal,ect and i over came them. I have had therapists tell me that after things ive been through i should be one of those things. Now that im 21 years old and my life has gone nowhere since i left high school im beginning to think it may have been all for nothing.

I had a job, a good job. 10/hour doing simple honest work. But every week i would blow all my money on bullshit.after 6 months of that i had a breakdown and quit my job.About three to 5 weeks later i meet this girl and for the first time can see a real future for myself shaping, but now jobless i can see it dissipating as soon as it appeared. I can't find a job anywhere.

Im an artist, im not great but it is the only thing i have that can be considered a skill.(www.sykishi.deviantart.com if you would like to see) More than anything i would like to do something in the art field and accomplish anything. But i start project after project and finish nothing. i cant stay motivated.I try to find like minded people to work with, i find it much easier to work when i have people backing me up and all working tword a common goal.But every time i find someone that i can work with i lose them. ive even had a guy who i was writing a story with dissapear completely on me.

Ive been using video games as a escape all my life, in fact i could very well owe my life to them. But now i can't find relief in them like i used to.They just seem to add more stress and anger.

Suicide is something that ive thought of ever since i can remember. With the world in the seemingly unstoppable downward spiral i ask myself if all these bad feelings i go threw and that i live with worth to keep living with for a chance to do something,anything.

Ive been overwhelmed with feelings lately, mostly depression and feeling like im drowning in a sea of nothingness. Ive come here to vent, and hopefully someone might have just the right words to help me out.I thank anyone who cares enough to read all this.

 

[heretostay]

I guess this wont make you feel any better, but i feel the same way. My life seems extremely pointless. i always thought i would be someone great, or do something great. turns out im just a regular joe on the conveyor belt with everyone else. i guess ive just come to accept my place in life. that helps some. nothing great is going to happen. just boring, day to day stuff. the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you'll realize its not so bad.

 

[Unacceptance]

What defines a non-wasted life?

 

[Brian]

Well, to you guys I would first suggest getting a job. Not in a derogatory mean way, but as something to help you. If you are at least looking, then feel good about that! It's difficult to find work right now...but things will improve. And Squall, once you find another one, stop blowing money! I live/work by the motto, 'Pay yourself before anyone else'. That means sock away money in an account out of every paycheck. A minimum reasonable amount, more if you can. I used to do $50, but I have a more stable job now with routine hours...so I now do $100 almost every check. $75 minimum. If you're spending all of it constantly and doing nothing to keep some for yourself, you're wasting your time and effectively robbing yourself.

And don't touch it. This is a much bigger thing than being able to go buy a video game or stereo or whatever. Some people can't let themselves have debit cards; if you're this way, that's fine. Give yourself a cash allowance until you can manage money better. This is the start of wealth. As you save more, it becomes useful: An emergency fund. A 'fun' fund. Take $200 out every now and then and reward yourself. Go to the gentleman's club, upgrade your computer, buy some fishing gear...whatever does it for you. And you will enjoy it.

Recently I bought myself an ice auger to drill holes for ice fishing, and a little boat for spring and summer fishing. A reward to myself.


Aside from that, we have to forge our own path. We can't just hope for things to happen. 90% of us will never own big yachts or save Africa or create an energy solution...but we can still do something we like. And any decent job comes with vacation time. Take it. Don't just sit around on your weekend moping that nothing happens or being sad because you have nothing to do. I kinda tend to do that, and it sucks. So instead I'm working on doing something with my off time. Take a drive out of the city, even if it is just you. Go fishing or hiking. Relax. If you have friends/family, buy some camping gear and spontaneously go camping.

Be a leader. This generation is starting to show a frightening lack of people who will lead, both in society and in the workplace. Lead confidently and people will follow. Be persistent. And yes, dammit, you can be a leader. I was bullied as a kid, had very few friends, never had a date or did anything physical or remotely cool. Until a couple years ago all I did was sit and play video games. But I worked to be better, and I'm moving up in the world. Eventually I will probably be given some official authority in my workplace, because I make a point to work hard, strive for excellence, and to help others do the same. You can replicate this just as I have, whatever your path is in life.

Working at Mcdonalds with a bunch of losers? Cool. Strive for excellence, impress the boss. Become the sub-boss of all those losers and yell at Jake the Stoner because he sucks at frying things in lard.


Anyway. Back to money, briefly.

Once you have something saved, there's a couple smart things you can do with it that will either get you out and about, get you ahead in life, or both.

The first is college. Go to your local community college (don't 'plan' on doing it 'some time', just say "hey, tomorrow I'm going to do this") and ask to talk (or make an appointment) with a councilor or something and figure out at least some general ed classes to take. Find one to three that fit your schedule and take them. During this time, you can possibly find something that interests you: Management courses, or maybe an art degree.

The second thing is to invest it. "Work hard for your money, then make it work hard for you". I don't care if you're putting it in some piss ant mutual fund that nets you 6% a year...the point is, making even a nickel for effectively not having to do anything is awesome. And learning about how to pick a good mutual fund is easy. Over time, unless you're taking hefty risks, you will profit. After some time doing that you might want to learn to invest in stocks. Don't pay attention to all the advertisements that try and sell you a 'system'. Go somewhere like www.investopedia.com and teach yourself. Open a brokerage with your bank or at a place like Scottrade.com (by far the best online brokerage there is)...invest in financially strong companies with good outlooks, and a low P/E (you'll learn about all of that as you read). I saved $2000 and put it in to a mining company. If I sold it today I'd have a $400 profit. And what did I have to do for it? Nothing. I came home from work every day, sat on my ass and looked at the ink. For a while it was in the red, because the stock market has been a hellish nightmare, fit for a bad acid trip. But I rode it out to where it is now and it will probably continue to go up some more.


Even the most seemingly insignificant lots in life can make you happy if it's something you don't mind doing. I have a mentor of sorts who spent most of his life working at a lumber mill. He managed the log yard, loading and unloading trucks and doing other misc. things. But he played his cards as he saw fit: Now he's retired. He has a nice house on the corner, he's happily married. Has a beautiful lawn, his pride and joy, a good place to relax in the summer. He does things he enjoys.


...Anyway. So that's how to start becoming something, and enjoying life. As long as you start now, it's never too late.


Then again, I'm still often lonely and sometimes depressed...sometimes to the point of anguish. Still haven't got that part figured out...

 

[Unacceptance]

**** capitalist swine! I mean, HI BRIAN.

 

[Brian]

HI BRIAN.

HI UNACCEPTANCE!

What defines a non-wasted life?

I would personally say that if the end result is that you are happy with what you have, or striving to be happy, that is one qualifier. Another would be whether or not you've knowingly been a burden without necessity. Are you capable of working, but instead do whatever you have to to stay on welfare or keep living with your parents as a freeloader?

If the answer is yes, if you're not doing all you can and you continue to stay that way, then maybe that's a wasted life. For me it would be.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe you can try seeking professional help.
If you had a job, you might even qualify to receive medical and disabilty insurance.
The money was taken out of your pay check automatically. It's you're money...don't let AIG get it...lmao
Feaken Uncle Sam taking 32% out of my **** check.That 32% is suppost to help better the quility of my life. Get that straight.

Have you tried you're local mental heath department ? Some of that 32% went to that.
It's there to help you. They helped me alot.
One on one sessions and group therapy.

I attend 12 meetings today..mostly it's therapy for me. Alot of depressed people abuse
drugs and alcohol to cope with thier depression. Most of the the meetings arn't about
drinking. Bascailly heart to heart session about our living problems...depressions or
whatever life throws at us. At the very least I'm not isolating..Plus meetings also gives
me a place to vent or let things out. I get support . I've met people i can call
at any moment of my life...Poeple who are willing to help me get though whatever life
throws at me.

As you know...money, sex, work (peaople, places and things) never cured depression.

I was 22 at that time...I had a great paying job...$1200 p/week after taxes
I self medicated to cope with my depression. I party my ass off, Worked my ass off.
I chased plenty of women around. Played vedio games to escape. Purcahsed sports cars, Motocycle,
I had my own house...I had all the material sucess...None of it sovled my problems.
It's like trying to put a fire out with fucken gasoline. Or putting a band aide on fucken cancer.
Yeap...I did alot of escaping from my depression.

My depression had to be adress properly or cared for in healthier ways.

So i had to stop drinking and using drugs. FIRST THINGS FIRST.
That was just a beginning of my recovery.
By staying clean and sober i was able to adress my depression.
I had so much more to learn after that.

Yeap...also know how it is to do 95% of a project and not complete them...
I have plenty of incompleted songs on file.
You can put me on a start up crew anyday...lol


My doctor ask that I put my career on hold for a while. it was very difficult decision for me at that time.
You can't physically see depression. It's like asking a fucken 2 year old baby to run a 24 miles marathon if i went back to work.
He said..if I didn't...I probably kill myself or try to kill myself again.
I tried to committ suecide once before that.

I needed treatment..and to sort out a lot of issuses in my life.
I also needed to recover from my depression. I needed time to heal.
I also need to learn living tools , coping skills to help me through my depression or anxity attacks.

Keep reaching out...

Be well

 

[Unacceptance]

HI BRIAN.

HI UNACCEPTANCE!

What defines a non-wasted life?

I would personally say that if the end result is that you are happy with what you have, or striving to be happy, that is one qualifier. Another would be whether or not you've knowingly been a burden without necessity. Are you capable of working, but instead do whatever you have to to stay on welfare or keep living with your parents as a freeloader?

If the answer is yes, if you're not doing all you can and you continue to stay that way, then maybe that's a wasted life. For me it would be.

What if you are happy and capable as a bank robber?

 

[Brian]

I think that falls under 'knowingly and intentionally being a burden'.

 

[Spare]

Well, to you guys I would first suggest getting a job. Not in a derogatory mean way, but as something to help you. If you are at least looking, then feel good about that! It's difficult to find work right now...but things will improve. And Squall, once you find another one, stop blowing money! I live/work by the motto, 'Pay yourself before anyone else'. That means sock away money in an account out of every paycheck. A minimum reasonable amount, more if you can. I used to do $50, but I have a more stable job now with routine hours...so I now do $100 almost every check. $75 minimum. If you're spending all of it constantly and doing nothing to keep some for yourself, you're wasting your time and effectively robbing yourself.

And don't touch it. This is a much bigger thing than being able to go buy a video game or stereo or whatever. Some people can't let themselves have debit cards; if you're this way, that's fine. Give yourself a cash allowance until you can manage money better. This is the start of wealth. As you save more, it becomes useful: An emergency fund. A 'fun' fund. Take $200 out every now and then and reward yourself. Go to the gentleman's club, upgrade your computer, buy some fishing gear...whatever does it for you. And you will enjoy it.

Recently I bought myself an ice auger to drill holes for ice fishing, and a little boat for spring and summer fishing. A reward to myself.


Aside from that, we have to forge our own path. We can't just hope for things to happen. 90% of us will never own big yachts or save Africa or create an energy solution...but we can still do something we like. And any decent job comes with vacation time. Take it. Don't just sit around on your weekend moping that nothing happens or being sad because you have nothing to do. I kinda tend to do that, and it sucks. So instead I'm working on doing something with my off time. Take a drive out of the city, even if it is just you. Go fishing or hiking. Relax. If you have friends/family, buy some camping gear and spontaneously go camping.

Be a leader. This generation is starting to show a frightening lack of people who will lead, both in society and in the workplace. Lead confidently and people will follow. Be persistent. And yes, dammit, you can be a leader. I was bullied as a kid, had very few friends, never had a date or did anything physical or remotely cool. Until a couple years ago all I did was sit and play video games. But I worked to be better, and I'm moving up in the world. Eventually I will probably be given some official authority in my workplace, because I make a point to work hard, strive for excellence, and to help others do the same. You can replicate this just as I have, whatever your path is in life.

Working at Mcdonalds with a bunch of losers? Cool. Strive for excellence, impress the boss. Become the sub-boss of all those losers and yell at Jake the Stoner because he sucks at frying things in lard.


Anyway. Back to money, briefly.

Once you have something saved, there's a couple smart things you can do with it that will either get you out and about, get you ahead in life, or both.

The first is college. Go to your local community college (don't 'plan' on doing it 'some time', just say "hey, tomorrow I'm going to do this") and ask to talk (or make an appointment) with a councilor or something and figure out at least some general ed classes to take. Find one to three that fit your schedule and take them. During this time, you can possibly find something that interests you: Management courses, or maybe an art degree.

The second thing is to invest it. "Work hard for your money, then make it work hard for you". I don't care if you're putting it in some piss ant mutual fund that nets you 6% a year...the point is, making even a nickel for effectively not having to do anything is awesome. And learning about how to pick a good mutual fund is easy. Over time, unless you're taking hefty risks, you will profit. After some time doing that you might want to learn to invest in stocks. Don't pay attention to all the advertisements that try and sell you a 'system'. Go somewhere like www.investopedia.com and teach yourself. Open a brokerage with your bank or at a place like Scottrade.com (by far the best online brokerage there is)...invest in financially strong companies with good outlooks, and a low P/E (you'll learn about all of that as you read). I saved $2000 and put it in to a mining company. If I sold it today I'd have a $400 profit. And what did I have to do for it? Nothing. I came home from work every day, sat on my ass and looked at the ink. For a while it was in the red, because the stock market has been a hellish nightmare, fit for a bad acid trip. But I rode it out to where it is now and it will probably continue to go up some more.


Even the most seemingly insignificant lots in life can make you happy if it's something you don't mind doing. I have a mentor of sorts who spent most of his life working at a lumber mill. He managed the log yard, loading and unloading trucks and doing other misc. things. But he played his cards as he saw fit: Now he's retired. He has a nice house on the corner, he's happily married. Has a beautiful lawn, his pride and joy, a good place to relax in the summer. He does things he enjoys.


...Anyway. So that's how to start becoming something, and enjoying life. As long as you start now, it's never too late.


Then again, I'm still often lonely and sometimes depressed...sometimes to the point of anguish. Still haven't got that part figured out...

There's not much more to say. Nail, you've been hit on the head.

You always feel as though your dreams will come true no matter what. It's what's supposed to happen. It's DESTINY. Well, it's not destiny. Fate has nothing to do with it. Proactivity is the force that makes dreams come true, but no one is going to be proactive for us; we need to do it for ourselves. The work can be terribly hard, but hopefully the reward makes it worth the effort.

Good luck!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Lmao...Brian
I got that part figured out a long time ago. It's not as complicated as you think.

Be transparent and stop fighting it and she'll come...She always dose. For me she dose.
It's a knowing and allowing myself to accpet that. That's the proactive part.

Fear lives in my head. Love lives in my heart.
Depression lives in my head. Peace, love and serenity lives in my heart.
I can't force her to love me...however she is drawn to my heart.

Sometimes all I have to do is sit still and let go of all of my fears...
Like a butterfly or a wild bird she'll just purch herself on my hands.
Without fears...all I have is love to give her.
Women are very sensity creatures...women can smell fear from a mile away.

mmm just like wolve or dogs can hear a higher pitch for sounds that us human can't hear.
Women sense some things the men can't.

 

[Squall1988]

thanks for the reply's guys, ill try to learn from them. =)

 

[Brian]

That's the spirit bud. Kick some ass and show the world you don't quit. Succeed. Inspire.


And Crow...all other issues aside, none of that would work for me because I never leave my 'box'. Work, do the things I do for enjoyment, go to the store every week about. Hang out with the people I know. It's a closed loop that I never leave. I very, very rarely meet anybody new.

I feel I'm wasting part of my life, in that respect. I should be out doing the things that people my age do, having fun with other people. Fishing alone does get old. And as cliche as it is, some of those sunsets feel mighty wasted without someone to watch them with. I am doing ok academically and career-wise. I'm making good choices. But at this rate I'll be aged and old, looking back at a drawing of an otherwise OK life consistently shaded with regret.

It's hard around here. All of my internal barriers aside, I have no way to meet people. And even if I could, would I be accepted? I have to make a point to not let people know where I'm from. Not before they get to know me and realize I'm an alright guy. The natives don't take kindly to Californians (not that I can blame them, having lived there most of my life...no offense meant to -decent- californians, of course). But the people I work with are old enough and mature enough to put that aside because they know me as a person. Would a younger crowd be the same? I don't think so.

Spring's finally on us here. Soon it'll be swimsuit season, and I have a pretty prime view of the local swimming hole, full of women who want nothing to do with me, if for no other reason than because I wasn't born here.

They aren't 'drawn to my heart', as you put it, Crow. Maybe they are to you, and it seems like you have ways to meet them. But in my case I have no way to attempt any sort of connection, and even if I could they're all drawn to the wild, fun guys with their raised-up pickups and dirtbikes, off on some camping trip no doubt. I'm not in to that stuff, and I'm not an Idaho native. And I don't drink unless I'm alone, and even then I don't get outright drunk.

I just really feel like I have nothing going for me in this department.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

That's the spirit bud. Kick some ass and show the world you don't quit. Succeed. Inspire.


And Crow...all other issues aside, none of that would work for me because I never leave my 'box'. Work, do the things I do for enjoyment, go to the store every week about. Hang out with the people I know. It's a closed loop that I never leave. I very, very rarely meet anybody new.

I feel I'm wasting part of my life, in that respect. I should be out doing the things that people my age do, having fun with other people. Fishing alone does get old. And as cliche as it is, some of those sunsets feel mighty wasted without someone to watch them with. I am doing ok academically and career-wise. I'm making good choices. But at this rate I'll be aged and old, looking back at a drawing of an otherwise OK life consistently shaded with regret.

It's hard around here. All of my internal barriers aside, I have no way to meet people. And even if I could, would I be accepted? I have to make a point to not let people know where I'm from. Not before they get to know me and realize I'm an alright guy. The natives don't take kindly to Californians (not that I can blame them, having lived there most of my life). But the people I work with are old enough and mature enough to put that aside because they know me as a person. Would a younger crowd be the same? I don't think so.

Spring's finally on us here. Soon it'll be swimsuit season, and I have a pretty prime view of the local swimming hole, full of women who want nothing to do with me, if for no other reason than because I wasn't born here.

Why wouldn't it work for you ? It works in other area of your life.
It's still the same principles.

You know I'm asian..yes ?
Every relationships that I had ever been in...All the women
asked my out and they where all blondes with hazel or blue eyes.
Totally the odd couple...I didn't even had a car when my ex-wf
asked me out.

I was actually dating an older women at the time. She was 29,
I was 19. I got into a bar fight over her and got arrested.
But the very next day...I promised myself ...no more women..lmao
Errr..I wife asked me out...that day.
Errr...she turned down a bunch of guys.. (my band members)
So everybody was fucken bewilder or dumbfounded..
Becuase she looked like super model and asked me out.
Right in the heart of fucken Texas..where I totally stood out like a fucken shiney door knob.lol

I don't think I'm totally studly looking.
It was the way I carried myself. I never feared her.
Probably it was because I was dating the 29 year old ...when
I interacted with my wife before she asked me out.
So to me...she was more like a girl...she was only 18.
i didn't have a total chip on my shoulder..but i carried myself
okay. Alot of it also had to do with ..that i was focus on
other things...such as my music, my work, studies or just partying.lol
I never feared her. I didn't have a lot of fears in my life at
that time...I was a wild child. I was acting out to cover up
my pains or depression.

What i'm trying to say is...I was minding my own bussiness
and never expected my ex-wife to ask me out. It never occured
to me that she should. Even as messed up as I was...I didn't
have a lot of fears running through my mind around women.

Even Jenni asked me out. It was totally un expected too.
I didn't talked to her for a couple of months. We were just friends then.
I worked with her. Errr totally odd...I dress casaul in jeans and T-shirts.
Jenni dress all profession like a bussiness woman. (I love the knee high boots on her)
(surface stuff....)

I was single again but i never offically announce it to her...i was too
bussy trying to work on myself...letting go of fears or pain.
There she was....She just called me and ask me to have dinner with her out of the blues.
She came and got me. Jenni lived 100 miles from me.
California rules