Extreme Unit
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2016
- Messages
- 87
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I’ve been doing some heavy reflection lately, and have realized that I am a misanthrope and an *******.
I have anger and hate and bitterness that has made me a dick to everyone around me, especially my family. I hold grudges and remember stuff like fights, breakups, and other traumatic events from many years ago, even if the offender attempts to resolve the problem. I take things personally when they aren’t even directed at me. I’m not the type of angry person who lashes out and becomes violent, but rather keeps things bottled up and stews about them simply to avoid going to jail or living on the street. Consequently, no one knows what I think or feel; they just assume I’m okay. I wanted to find something in life to be proud of and to have security in, but apparently I’d been looking in the wrong places. I haven’t felt happy in a long time, even though I may have a supportive family and lived a pretty good childhood. I developed a mentality of, “If this wasn’t happening, life would be better” or “If I had this, I would be happy”. I was never satisfied and when a problem was resolved, there was always something else to be bothered by, which resulted in the following behaviors over the past decade:
-I was abusive to the family dogs. My parents would punish me by making me sit in my room and repeatedly write thousands of sentences along the lines of “I will not hurt the dogs”.
-I was insecure with my body image and went through three eating disorders that got me put in rehab and caused a lot of trouble for my family and friends.
-I got into physical fights with my parents, which got me put in two more mental rehabs.
-I don’t celebrate much of anything about life, including my birthday, nor did I attend my high school graduation because I was angry at my parents for putting me in public school against my wishes even though the students and teachers treated me well.
-When I moved out on my own last year, the landlord and her son were generous about where I could put my food and when I could pay the rent. In turn, I was respectful of their wants and needs, yet I had nothing but hateful thoughts about them because their three dogs’ excessive barking made the house a noisy and chaotic environment; the landlord did nothing whatsoever to control them, so I left and moved back in with my mom where I am now.
-I hate marriage out of envy, and I resent my sister and brothers for having achieved their marriages despite impossible circumstances. I had my first girlfriend for the short time I was living on my own, but one day she stopped talking to me and basically left me, and that’s mostly what I’ve been seething about lately. So I figure that, if I am to be the only single member of my family, why should I tolerate other people’s marriages and relationships?
My parents tried to help me with my schooling and being independent, but I can confirm that even though I appreciate everything my family has done for me, I don’t love them. I see them as a necessity or an obligation because I still need to depend on them, yet I’m embarrassed to be part of this family that I’ve been cruel and hostile to. They were able to forgive me of my trespasses, but I never forgave them of theirs. I wonder if a major reason for the clash between me and my family might be that I’m the only atheist; the rest are Christians, and so I think differently than they do. For that reason, along with the fact that I don’t celebrate anything, I rarely participate in family events; even if I wanted to, my conscience doesn’t allow it because I know I’ve been bad to them. They’ve said they will always love me and be there for me if I need them, which makes me an even bigger *******.
I understand that my behaviors are wrong and that dwelling on the past and being angry all the time is keeping me from moving forward with my life. I feel dead inside, and lack the mental and physical energy to concentrate on my drawings, let alone my homework and job applications. So what if I try to be a “nice” guy, change my way of thinking, and accept what I can’t control? Does that mean I can’t hate on romantic relationships even though they’re emphasized and glorified in practically every aspect of society? Should I conform to my family’s religious beliefs? Should I become a hermit in some shitty town and forget about wanting to live somewhere nice? Is that what it means to be happy? I understand that life is hard for everyone I know, yet somehow they manage to stay positive and eventually get what they want. I’ve been angry for so long that I’ve forgotten what happiness is like.
How am I supposed to confront my angry thoughts? What’s the answer to surrendering oneself and being free from bitterness and hate?
I have anger and hate and bitterness that has made me a dick to everyone around me, especially my family. I hold grudges and remember stuff like fights, breakups, and other traumatic events from many years ago, even if the offender attempts to resolve the problem. I take things personally when they aren’t even directed at me. I’m not the type of angry person who lashes out and becomes violent, but rather keeps things bottled up and stews about them simply to avoid going to jail or living on the street. Consequently, no one knows what I think or feel; they just assume I’m okay. I wanted to find something in life to be proud of and to have security in, but apparently I’d been looking in the wrong places. I haven’t felt happy in a long time, even though I may have a supportive family and lived a pretty good childhood. I developed a mentality of, “If this wasn’t happening, life would be better” or “If I had this, I would be happy”. I was never satisfied and when a problem was resolved, there was always something else to be bothered by, which resulted in the following behaviors over the past decade:
-I was abusive to the family dogs. My parents would punish me by making me sit in my room and repeatedly write thousands of sentences along the lines of “I will not hurt the dogs”.
-I was insecure with my body image and went through three eating disorders that got me put in rehab and caused a lot of trouble for my family and friends.
-I got into physical fights with my parents, which got me put in two more mental rehabs.
-I don’t celebrate much of anything about life, including my birthday, nor did I attend my high school graduation because I was angry at my parents for putting me in public school against my wishes even though the students and teachers treated me well.
-When I moved out on my own last year, the landlord and her son were generous about where I could put my food and when I could pay the rent. In turn, I was respectful of their wants and needs, yet I had nothing but hateful thoughts about them because their three dogs’ excessive barking made the house a noisy and chaotic environment; the landlord did nothing whatsoever to control them, so I left and moved back in with my mom where I am now.
-I hate marriage out of envy, and I resent my sister and brothers for having achieved their marriages despite impossible circumstances. I had my first girlfriend for the short time I was living on my own, but one day she stopped talking to me and basically left me, and that’s mostly what I’ve been seething about lately. So I figure that, if I am to be the only single member of my family, why should I tolerate other people’s marriages and relationships?
My parents tried to help me with my schooling and being independent, but I can confirm that even though I appreciate everything my family has done for me, I don’t love them. I see them as a necessity or an obligation because I still need to depend on them, yet I’m embarrassed to be part of this family that I’ve been cruel and hostile to. They were able to forgive me of my trespasses, but I never forgave them of theirs. I wonder if a major reason for the clash between me and my family might be that I’m the only atheist; the rest are Christians, and so I think differently than they do. For that reason, along with the fact that I don’t celebrate anything, I rarely participate in family events; even if I wanted to, my conscience doesn’t allow it because I know I’ve been bad to them. They’ve said they will always love me and be there for me if I need them, which makes me an even bigger *******.
I understand that my behaviors are wrong and that dwelling on the past and being angry all the time is keeping me from moving forward with my life. I feel dead inside, and lack the mental and physical energy to concentrate on my drawings, let alone my homework and job applications. So what if I try to be a “nice” guy, change my way of thinking, and accept what I can’t control? Does that mean I can’t hate on romantic relationships even though they’re emphasized and glorified in practically every aspect of society? Should I conform to my family’s religious beliefs? Should I become a hermit in some shitty town and forget about wanting to live somewhere nice? Is that what it means to be happy? I understand that life is hard for everyone I know, yet somehow they manage to stay positive and eventually get what they want. I’ve been angry for so long that I’ve forgotten what happiness is like.
How am I supposed to confront my angry thoughts? What’s the answer to surrendering oneself and being free from bitterness and hate?