Am I Crazy or Do I Make a Valid Point?!

[lizzy12788]

So, my “boyfriend” of 5 months is not acting like a boyfriend at all. In fact, come to think of it, he hasn’t really acted like a boyfriend at all the entire time we’ve been together. And, I’m almost to the point of telling him you either shape up or I’m shipping out!!
Okay, so here’s the background: we work together—in fact, he’s MY BOSS!! Of course we work for a company in which if ANYONE ever found out we dated, we both would get the ax. And, he would have more to lose than I, since he is higher up on the hierarchy.
I hate the job and I have been looking for another job for the past couple of months anyway (but sadly I have no prospects—the hunt continues). In fact, we both admitted to each other, that we hate the company (he’s finally applying to law school, thanks to this little lady  who motivated him to get the ball rolling) But anyway, we also hate the secrecy, too—we just want to be able to breathe and not worry and look over our shoulders whenever we go out in public—afraid of ‘someone’ catching us.
By the way, we are only 4 years apart. So, this isn’t the 24 year old going after the 40 -something year old married man. Just want to make that clear to everyone!
And, to top it all off, his mother moved in with him a month ago from Boston, because she needed a change with her own life. I have no problem with his mother at all. We actually get together like two peas in a pod!....However, they are getting/moving into a bigger apartment next month—yippie :-/
I realize that he has a lot on his plate right now: to be turning 28 years old next month and having your mom live with you isn’t cool; secretly dating your subordinate and risking losing your job; and speaking of said job, working double the hours because this is our ‘busy season’; applying to law school; not having time for yourself, friends, and your music (he plays guitar and is really good, but of course, he wants to become ‘great’ at it; and it’s a ‘release’ for him, too—I totally support that because I’m musical, too. So I know where he’s coming from).
HOWEVER, WITH ALL THAT SAID….where do I fit in, the “girlfriend”? I feel like a ‘back-burner’ or ‘an after-thought’. He doesn’t call or text me to wish me good-night, or to check in and see what I’m up to, or ‘just because he was thinking about me’ etc. Oh, I should let you know, that the only time he does call/text me, is when he’s going out to the bar. In which case, I’m the ‘responsible’ one that drives him and his friends home because they are too drunk and/or too high on pot to operate heavy machinery—AND that’s when we have sex. Speaking of sex, he doesn’t “go down” on me. And FYI, I keep that sh** clean and fresh, too! Also, I’m ALWAYS on top, which is fun, but geez, jazz it up a bit buddy! Be creative! I feel like it’s more about him getting off, rather then the both of us! When it’s all over within 10-15 minutes, it only takes 60 seconds for him to pass out! And, here I am left wide awake wondering “WHAT THE HELL?!”
Not to mention, we never go on dates. In fact, he “forgot” our date (which I coordinated) yesterday! We were suppose to car to an international car expo (I thought it would be cool, since we both are into cars) and I reminded him how many times beforehand.
Now, I did a little experiment yesterday: I didn’t call/text him the whole day….I wanted to see if he remembered me at all…. Well, when I got to work and coolly reminded him that he completely forgot, I got a simple, “I’m sorry” and that was that! No call or text after work tonight at all from him. Not a peep! GRRR!!!
I know the girlfriend before me broke his heart really bad (according to his friends, but they assured me it was a long time ago). But sometimes, I feel as though I’m competing for his heart—like I’m competing with a ghost from his past. He use to bring up her name all the time in conversation, and I told him to knock it off and told him how it made me feel, which he apologized and hasn’t brought her up since…but I can’t help but wonder if his heart still belongs to her.
I gave him a very thoughtful Christmas present. A few other small gifts here and there. He didn’t give me a birthday present, nor did anything for my birthday 2 weeks ago---and Lord knows I’m not holding my breath for a Valentine’s Day (UGH! I hate how I already ordered his present!).
He never does anything “special” for me—no presents, no flowers, doesn’t open up to me and let me know what he is thinking, etc. And, I know I shouldn’t base our relationship around just those things, but I do like the little things, too, ya know? I feel like I’m nothing more than his chauffeur or taxi for when he’s been drinking/getting high and a good f**k when I bring him home from the bar—and that’s our “date night” or our time “hanging out”.
I’m ready to just lay it out there and tell him: I’m in love with you! Frankly, I don’t know why I am, because you don’t treat me the way I should be treated! You either realize what you have in front of you—a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, all-around amazing woman! A woman who everyone (your friends and mother) is telling you that I am the best thing for you and to not let me go! And, you’ll be the biggest idiot to let me go! You are walking on a fine line , mister and you are risking of losing me! You either realize and change your ways, or I’M GONE! And, I will find someone who will treat me good! (The sad part is just that, I am deeply in love with him and I can’t bare the thought of actually leaving him!)
So I’m going to ask: AM I CRAZY OR DO I HAVE A VAILD POINT?!


So sorry for the long post, but this has just been bottling up inside me for the longest time! Thank you to all who respond

 

[passage]

Simple rule, don't sh** where you eat

 

[Anten]

Maybe you guys should take some time part. Since he isn't really being to much of a boyfriend more just a friend until it comes to sex.

It seems like many girls have a slack ass boyfriend and I know I am not the best but **** I am probably better than most and I can't get anyone. I need to learn how to make some girl fall in love with me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You have valid piont..

He's simply a selfish person..its all about him.
Even in the sex department.

I know its a little complicated.
your heart is hurt. Your head is spinning

Follow your gut or intuitions
Yes, youre being used.

I say run like hell but plenty of people
Told me that when im in a foxic relationship.
i dont take advice or follow instructions.

Drinking and using gets progressive.
It'll only get worst and never any better.
Most poeple dont think its going to happen to them...
But what you described is about as text book alcoholic/addict behaviors as you're going to get.
You can simple read any AA or NA books...you'll see your story all over the pages.

The pain of staying is greater than the pains of leaving.
I believe you know you are at that piont.
This is when people make changes.
Following through is a challenge for most people.

Most people feel crazy when involved with alcoholics/addicts.
Dont freak out....you're not crazy..crazy. You just gotten yourself in a bad situation.

A little bit difficult to establish boundaries
Since you both work together.
You might get some repacusions.

Your not into to deep. And still very well.

You might try googling codependency.
Its what your dealing with.
It might give you some insite.
Theres literature that covers other areas that might also be benificial to you.

Be well

There's plenty of guys that'll go down on you and knows how to get you off.
Get you to have mulitple orgasim all night.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Simple rule, don't sh** where you eat

Aha, Passage, I like that saying. I shall keep it in mind.

But, perhaps he isn't acting like one because he really can't. I mean, I can't imagine living that way, almost a double life seeing as your relationship can't even be known of. That must really be a bust to the both of you. I do see your point, but on the other hand, he's risking his job to be with you. I don't think he's all selfish. Perhaps you'll be able to talk to him about it when things settle down a bit.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Free sex with a woman thats lost, scare and feels along.
Thats text book isolations and abusive relationship.
Living in constant fears and walking eggshells.
Your security and self esteem gets chipped away little by little.
The negative attitude about work feeds into the disease.
Of course all alcholics/addicts looks like rose while using...just ask his mother.
Its all part of a front. Most people that attend AA are bussiness men in high places
with egos bigger than the grand cannon, not whinno or bums...thou some get there eventually.

most new commers either had lost their wives or GF.
Its a common theme....
None...will listen to their partners while they have them.

I'll bet if you ask him to stop drinking or smoking.
Hell tell you,....Hes a grown man and he"ll do whatever the fresia he wants....
Its a freaken cliche or famouse line.

 

[Okiedokes]

I wonder if he will loosen up a bit and act more like a bf to you once you have a new job or he has a new job. I can see where that's very risky and perhaps part of his lack of hmm.. "commitment" towards you is that reason. I do find it a little bit funky that he has you drive him and his drunk buddies home.

As for the ex g/f being in his heart still.. it's very well possible. I understand the feeling of competition with something that's not physically there anymore, but maybe you need to talk to him about it more. Sounds like you guys need to do a lot of talking and tell him what is bothering you.

 

[kamya]

He's busy. To be honest there are a few more important things going on in his life than keeping a GF. You should tell him what you are thinking though. So at least he knows that what he's doing bothers you. If you really do feel like he's not treating you right then you really should leave. If he does have lots of free time and still isn't treating you right then I would leave too.

Life isn't a romantic comedy. He's not going to quit his job, kick his mom out, and decide to suddenly devote his free time to you just because there's a risk of losing you. He isn't going to change. It looks like his job and family are higher on the totem pole, which I don't blame him for.

 

[blurst of times]

Lonesome Crow is spot on with his advice, I wish more people were agreeing with him.

Consider these two points:

1) A major commonality among failed relationships is that they tend to worsen over time, which is to say things start out fairly well, but then rapidly decay. Yours seems to already have started out poorly which means it will only get worse, much worse.

2) Lonesome Crow's observation about him chipping away at your confidence and self esteem is already happening. Just look at your title. You do have a valid point, he is a lousy boyfriend, and you are already questioning your own thoughts.

Dump this guy already and be thankful it only took you 5 months to realize it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

He's busy. To be honest there are a few more important things going on in his life than keeping a GF. You should tell him what you are thinking though. So at least he knows that what he's doing bothers you. If you really do feel like he's not treating you right then you really should leave. If he does have lots of free time and still isn't treating you right then I would leave too.

Life isn't a romantic comedy. He's not going to quit his job, kick his mom out, and decide to suddenly devote his free time to you just because there's a risk of losing you. He isn't going to change. It looks like his job and family are higher on the totem pole, which I don't blame him for.

Busy or not he could text a few times a day...

 

[annik]

Sorry but this post all seems a bit "me me me". He, from what you've said here, has a lot of things going on his life now.

Relationships aren't all about how many times he texts you and valentines presents they are about supporting the other person through bad times and sometimes having to sacrifice what you need and what would make you happy to take pressure of the other person.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sorry but this post all seems a bit "me me me". He, from what you've said here, has a lot of things going on his life now.

Relationships aren't all about how many times he texts you and valentines presents they are about supporting the other person through bad times and sometimes having to sacrifice what you need and what would make you happy to take pressure of the other person.

and is he supporting her? nope. Seems pretty one-sided.

He could text her like...oh say....4x a day. (how long could that possibly take?) "good morning sweetheart" "I love you" "How was your day?" "good night <3"

o.- is that really so hard?

 

[passage]

Sorry but this post all seems a bit "me me me". He, from what you've said here, has a lot of things going on his life now.

Relationships aren't all about how many times he texts you and valentines presents they are about supporting the other person through bad times and sometimes having to sacrifice what you need and what would make you happy to take pressure of the other person.

and is he supporting her? nope. Seems pretty one-sided.

He could text her like...oh say....4x a day. (how long could that possibly take?) "good morning sweetheart" "I love you" "How was your day?" "good night <3"

o.- is that really so hard?

No offence (but this will be taken offencively), women are no dumber or more intelligent than men. So, its pretty clear this guy is using her for sex, as a driver...etc, and clearly he isn't the most intelligent guy (dating a subordinate at work). It's really simple and clear that she should leave him. The OP either enjoys this treatment (which is a possibility), or lacks self esteem (if she had high self esteem, she would know to lose the ********* and find a man who treats her the way she wants to be treated).

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Co dependency isnt as cut and dry as most people think it is.
As her title say....Shes second guessing herself.
She's in a mental fog.

So cant just tell her...look..look..look at this.
She's in a mental and emotional fog. She's not going to see everything clearly.

She lives in constant fears...Fear at work and fear to be seen in public with him.
She physicailly and emtionally emmeshed with him.
She loves him as she stated.
Plus her body is also attached to his...wheather she he gets her off or not.
The female body gets attach to their sex partner.

She's also been isolated...If she wasnt...she wouldnt had posted here would she?
She feels alone.

He's not that fucken bussied hanging out at bars getting messed up and stone.
His mommy dont need him to baby sit her ass....

If you have codependency your body and mind will also go through withdraws.
Youll run a high fever and you'll feel like you're going to die.
He's like a drug to her.

Most people are not educated to this until it hits them at home.
Thats why I refer her to some literatures.
It covers a wide area...such as she might had grown up in a dyfucntional home.
She might had gotten adandent as a child or felt she was abandent emotionally.

She's well enough and not totally sick. Thats why shes catching it now.
A lot of people dont relize it until years later into the relationship or even after marriage.

Telling her to dump him like a douchage is about as null as telling a fucken dudes that's always in the friendzone to bang a chick already..ffs
Even if she dumps him, the posibilities are very high that she'll find someone else just like him...just like dudes always ending up in
the friendzones. Or lonely people always staying lonely and wanna trun into a fucken nune or monk to justify thier lonely life.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'm going to get myself to a nunnery to justify my lonely life. But then i'd have to pretend I wasn't an atheist.

 

[kamya]

Sorry but this post all seems a bit "me me me". He, from what you've said here, has a lot of things going on his life now.

Relationships aren't all about how many times he texts you and valentines presents they are about supporting the other person through bad times and sometimes having to sacrifice what you need and what would make you happy to take pressure of the other person.

and is he supporting her? nope. Seems pretty one-sided.

He could text her like...oh say....4x a day. (how long could that possibly take?) "good morning sweetheart" "I love you" "How was your day?" "good night <3"

o.- is that really so hard?

I used to do stuff like that in relationships but after a while it just gets taken for granted and it makes you look boring. Half of the time they don't even answer back. Then it just becomes a tedious task that isn't even worth it anymore. I think stuff like that is better when done spontaneously and not all the time.

That said, I do agree with the other poster that said he's probably just using you for sex at this point. I would just talk to him about the problems and see if he's willing to work on them.

 

[Lost Soul]

You may want to leave out the part about shagging (that should be private) and maybe about drugs. I find sex topics offensive bothersome. I personally would be with someone who does illegal stuff. I'm not telling to dumb him, just giving my opinion.

Have you tried to have a talk face to face? I would try that, if it disen't work out, maybe talk with someone else, like a therapist with him too. I think that is the right word. That's all I can say now. I wish you both much luck.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Well you're clearly not happy in this relationship. He's got other things in his life that he finds more important. He doesn't give you the time, the care and concern. I'm no one to judge but I'll say that maybe he does not feel you do the same towards him. Or if you do show a lot of care and concern and he doesn't return them, then I would suggest you think twice about staying in the relationship because you might just be happier being on your own.

 

[floffyschneeman]

talk to him, tell him what you feel and if he wont compromise, then leave and just be friends. you love him but he's not the person who would inspire you to becoming the best person you are and feeling good about yourself. You'll eventually hate him more. By what you have said.. he has time to drink his butt out with his friends til he passes out.. he might not be that busy.

 

[Limlim]

I wonder how people were able to have relationships before texting? All those poor people dumping each other and not knowing a lack of invented technology was to blame.