Jesse
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2009
- Messages
- 1,423
- Reaction score
- 0
As a PTSD sufferer, sometimes I find that the way I'm behaving is unsatisfactory. Not only by normal social standards, but by my own personal standards. I find myself acting certain ways towards people and not liking myself afterwards.
I feel that I'm recovering from PTSD or maybe I'm beginning to learn how to control it. Lately I've been more aware of my thoughts and processes. I've considered my actions and ways of thinking and thought about why I think that way or act that way. Thankfully I am figuring out the answers.
Here's an example. Yesterday at work I found a mistake that someone had made. My first thought was to show that person their mistake and to my immediate horror I noted a certain satisfaction by the thought of showing someone else that they had done something wrong. This is a certain anti-social behavior. I am pleased that I felt remorse for that thought- that I broke out of that thought, rather than blindly carrying it out without thinking.
Instead I was tactful with the fellow employee and even attempted to help them fix their mistake.
That is just one example. Upon trying to understand why I felt that satisfaction of showing someone a mistake, I determined that it was because of my stepdad. My stepdad would constantly put people down and rub their faces in anything you did wrong (which to my stepdad, was everything you could do).
I compared my stepfather to my grandfather. My grandfather was the opposite. He was the most loving, tender person I've ever known. Rather than taking satisfaction in showing that person her mistake, I took satisfaction in trying to help them fix it and become better at their job. I took satisfaction in being kind to her. That is all I ever want. I want to treat everyone with love, respect, and kindness. Not with contempt, or hate.
My grandfather will always be a shining light for me. Because I'm beginning to gain greater control over my thoughts and actions for the better, I have gained confidence that I do truly have a good heart. I will not be like my stepdad. I will be a real man. I will not fear or hate. I will love.
I feel that I'm recovering from PTSD or maybe I'm beginning to learn how to control it. Lately I've been more aware of my thoughts and processes. I've considered my actions and ways of thinking and thought about why I think that way or act that way. Thankfully I am figuring out the answers.
Here's an example. Yesterday at work I found a mistake that someone had made. My first thought was to show that person their mistake and to my immediate horror I noted a certain satisfaction by the thought of showing someone else that they had done something wrong. This is a certain anti-social behavior. I am pleased that I felt remorse for that thought- that I broke out of that thought, rather than blindly carrying it out without thinking.
Instead I was tactful with the fellow employee and even attempted to help them fix their mistake.
That is just one example. Upon trying to understand why I felt that satisfaction of showing someone a mistake, I determined that it was because of my stepdad. My stepdad would constantly put people down and rub their faces in anything you did wrong (which to my stepdad, was everything you could do).
I compared my stepfather to my grandfather. My grandfather was the opposite. He was the most loving, tender person I've ever known. Rather than taking satisfaction in showing that person her mistake, I took satisfaction in trying to help them fix it and become better at their job. I took satisfaction in being kind to her. That is all I ever want. I want to treat everyone with love, respect, and kindness. Not with contempt, or hate.
My grandfather will always be a shining light for me. Because I'm beginning to gain greater control over my thoughts and actions for the better, I have gained confidence that I do truly have a good heart. I will not be like my stepdad. I will be a real man. I will not fear or hate. I will love.
