Beating Social Anxiety - How do I do it????

[tennisgirl]

Arggghhhhhhhhh, I’m so fed up right now and I don't know what to do. This social anxiety, or whatever it is, is killing me. I have all these fears that I can’t seem to overcome. It’s ironic because I know all my fears are completely irrational, I know I have no reason to be so afraid, yet I can’t seem to avoid it. I’m longing for social interaction, but I fear it. I just can’t talk to people anymore. I stutter, I can’t look them in the eye, I twiddle my hair, I can’t keep a conversation going, I’m so nervous. When I sit in a room full of people, I’m panicking the whole time because I’m the one sitting there in silence, and I can’t think of one thing to say. How can I ask people questions to make them talk when all I really want is for them to all go away and stop making me anxious? I know there’s lots of things to ask people, but why can’t I think of them when I’m sitting there? It’s just so difficult for me to establish any sort of friendship and, after years of trying, I’ve sort of given up and I’m now just so incredibly alone and it’s making life exceptionally difficult. I’m sooo depressed all the time. I cry way too much, it’s draining. I have zero motivation to do anything and my self-esteem is as low as it can get. My sleeping patterns are so erratic. I just can’t be messed anymore but, at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I’m 21, I should be loving life. Instead, I’m living at home, with my parents, I barely leave the house, I have no job, I’ve been unemployed ever since I graduated 7 months ago (yeah, I know it’s pathetic) and I just can’t find any motivation to get a job. I seem to have no ambitions any more and I'm wasting my life. Part of me is scared because getting a job means meeting new people and I’m inevitably going to mess things up. I just can’t meet new people anymore. I haven’t done it in so long. I never have anything interesting to talk about because I have done nothing interesting with my life. I’m such a boring loser. I have no friends. All of the “friends” I had at school and university are no longer in my life due to me being such a social retard and always declining their invitations to go out etc. I so much wanted to have friends, yet the whole social thing scared me. They didn’t know about my social anxiety, though, so they must just think I was being rude for always saying no. I’m so socially isolated now. I have no-one, and it makes me so sad because, deep down, I know this is not who I am or who I want to be. I’m just so afraid that this is how it is for me, and how it’s always going to be. I’ve been this way for years, and I can’t seem to break away from it. My parents are aware of my situation (even though they think I need to try harder to get over the “shyness”) and they’re arranging for me to see some sort of therapist... I can’t imagine it’s going to work, though. I feel so stupid because I have a degree in psychology, I know all about my problems, yet I can’t do anything to help myself. I’m pretty sure the therapist is going to use some sort of cognitive behaviour therapy... ehhh, I have no idea if anything is going to work. I doubt I’m going to be able to open up to this woman. My parents are against meds, though... so I guess I’m going to have to give the therapist a go. I just want to be happy.

I’m so depressed. Alone. Hate life. Hate myself.​

My parents are the only people who know. No-one else understands.. “Try harder” or “be more confident” are frequent comments that I’ve from my sisters. It’s just like a slap in the face when people say things like that. I feel that even if I tell people about it, they won’t care, and definitely won’t understand. My parents don’t fully understand, I know that. It just sounds to them that I am just shy. I hate it when people say “Just be more confident and talk more” it’s like Now why did I not think of that before? Really pisses me off. I don’t know how to lead a normal life anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m living for right now, because my life consists of absolutely nothing. Putting a happy face on every day is what keeps me sane... but, at the same time, it destroys me. I hate living like this.

Uh, yeah, I'm sorry that this is a depressing post... BUT, Is there anyone out there who can tell me what to do/offer advice? Anyone who’s been through similar stuff and come out the other end? I’m not usually one to spill my guts on forums but I figured I’d take advantage of the anonymity of the internet and see if it helps. I need all the help I can get because I'm just so weak. It sucks.

Thank you.

 

[sloth4urluv]

My parents are the only people who know. No-one else understands.. “Try harder” or “be more confident” are frequent comments that I’ve from my sisters. It’s just like a slap in the face when people say things like that. I feel that even if I tell people about it, they won’t care, and definitely won’t understand. My parents don’t fully understand, I know that. It just sounds to them that I am just shy. I hate it when people say “Just be more confident and talk more” it’s like Now why did I not think of that before? Really pisses me off. I don’t know how to lead a normal life anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m living for right now, because my life consists of absolutely nothing. Putting a happy face on every day is what keeps me sane... but, at the same time, it destroys me. I hate living like this.

I understand how you feel. I wouldnt exactly call myself a social butterfly or anything like that (im definatly shy), but I do believe I have been making positive steps recently.
Its hard for people like us to be outgoing, we are like dogs who were beaten as puppys and now just walk around with our tail between are legs.

Just as it took time for us to become like this, it will take time for us to heal aswell.
What helped me is when I started working I met some people, it took me a while to get comfortable with them and trust them, but once I did I opened up to them. I started hanging out with them on the weekends or going to partys with them. Im usually pretty uncomfortable when I go out to partys, but I find if I have one or two drinks I losen up and dont really care what anyone else thinks about me. (not suggesting you become an alcoholic or anything like that )
I think most people even though dont show it are really just as scared on the inside as we are.

So anyways im not sure how much that will really help you or not, but I hope it does.
Too bad im not over in enlgland, id hang with you and help you gain some confidence.

 

[mink]

Arggghhhhhhhhh, I’m so fed up right now and I don't know what to do. This social anxiety, or whatever it is, is killing me. I have all these fears that I can’t seem to overcome. It’s ironic because I know all my fears are completely irrational, I know I have no reason to be so afraid, yet I can’t seem to avoid it. I’m longing for social interaction, but I fear it. I just can’t talk to people anymore. I stutter, I can’t look them in the eye, I twiddle my hair, I can’t keep a conversation going, I’m so nervous. When I sit in a room full of people, I’m panicking the whole time because I’m the one sitting there in silence, and I can’t think of one thing to say. How can I ask people questions to make them talk when all I really want is for them to all go away and stop making me anxious? I know there’s lots of things to ask people, but why can’t I think of them when I’m sitting there? It’s just so difficult for me to establish any sort of friendship and, after years of trying, I’ve sort of given up and I’m now just so incredibly alone and it’s making life exceptionally difficult. I’m sooo depressed all the time. I cry way too much, it’s draining. I have zero motivation to do anything and my self-esteem is as low as it can get. My sleeping patterns are so erratic. I just can’t be messed anymore but, at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

Sorry to hear about all this tennisgirl *hugs*

My parents are against meds, though... so I guess I’m going to have to give the therapist a go. I just want to be happy.

I really hope that this goes well for you.

Uh, yeah, I'm sorry that this is a depressing post... BUT, Is there anyone out there who can tell me what to do/offer advice? Anyone who’s been through similar stuff and come out the other end? I’m not usually one to spill my guts on forums but I figured I’d take advantage of the anonymity of the internet and see if it helps. I need all the help I can get because I'm just so weak. It sucks.

Thank you.

Well, I don't know of anything helpful to say here at the moment. But I used to be a really shy kid too, even sometimes now but not so often already. Well this might sound easy but it's how I got over a major part of my shyness. I just ignored other people. It starts small really, to pluck up some courage. I tried to shake off any nervous feeling before talking to other people, tell myself that they're not gonna eat me up lol and then go for it, converse with them, say what comes up to mind etc. Well basically I just let go off the worrying thoughts and nervousness. It did take some practice though.

This might not be suitable for you though and I do admit it's probably not the best advice lol but well just putting it out there in case you might wanna give it a try since it did somewhat help me.
Hope you feel better soon.

 

[tomuchnothing]

Im really sorry you feel like this, i really hope you do start feeling better soon *huuugs*

My advice is really not that much different to minks. You have to try not to worry about what other people may think about you, they dont matter, its what you think about yourself that matters. Once you start doing this you should be able to find yourself more free to be yourself around people and do whatever you want.

Now having saying this i know its extremyl hard to do, i havnt accomplished it completly myself either and i do feel the way you do at times aswell but we gotta just try to keep moving fowards

I hope i could help you even a little bit

 

[tennisgirl]

Just as it took time for us to become like this, it will take time for us to heal aswell.
What helped me is when I started working I met some people, it took me a while to get comfortable with them and trust them, but once I did I opened up to them. I started hanging out with them on the weekends or going to partys with them. Im usually pretty uncomfortable when I go out to partys, but I find if I have one or two drinks I losen up and dont really care what anyone else thinks about me. (not suggesting you become an alcoholic or anything like that )

Thank you for your advice... I guess it takes a lot of time. I’m just so impatient cos I hate the fact that I’m wasting these years of my life. I hope I can meet people when I start working like you did. I guess I just have to keep on hoping.

Too bad im not over in enlgland, id hang with you and help you gain some confidence.

Yeahh, I always wish I could meet people that are on this site in real life. I mean, I’d still be nervous, but it’d be easier to connect with people who understand and don’t think I’m weird. Ah well.

Well, I don't know of anything helpful to say here at the moment. But I used to be a really shy kid too, even sometimes now but not so often already. Well this might sound easy but it's how I got over a major part of my shyness. I just ignored other people. It starts small really, to pluck up some courage. I tried to shake off any nervous feeling before talking to other people, tell myself that they're not gonna eat me up lol and then go for it, converse with them, say what comes up to mind etc. Well basically I just let go off the worrying thoughts and nervousness. It did take some practice though.

I don’t know how to shake off the nervous feeling, though. Sometimes, when I’m with a group of people and they’re all talking about something, I think of something (in my head) to add to the conversation. But then I spend so long thinking if it’s the right thing to say and making sure I won’t look stupid that by the time I actually pluck up the courage to actually say it, the topic of conversation has shifted already, and then I just stay silent. :/

My advice is really not that much different to minks. You have to try not to worry about what other people may think about you, they dont matter, its what you think about yourself that matters. Once you start doing this you should be able to find yourself more free to be yourself around people and do whatever you want.

Now having saying this i know its extremyl hard to do, i havnt accomplished it completly myself either and i do feel the way you do at times aswell but we gotta just try to keep moving fowards

Thanks, tomuchnothing. It’s crazy cos I know that people aren’t going to think I look stupid (at least I hope not), but I always have this fear holding me back. Argh. It’s so frustrating, but I suppose I need to try harder.

 

[Blue Sky]

Arggghhhhhhhhh, I’m so fed up right now and I don't know what to do. This social anxiety, or whatever it is, is killing me. I have all these fears that I can’t seem to overcome. It’s ironic because I know all my fears are completely irrational, I know I have no reason to be so afraid, yet I can’t seem to avoid it. I’m longing for social interaction, but I fear it. I just can’t talk to people anymore. I stutter, I can’t look them in the eye, I twiddle my hair, I can’t keep a conversation going, I’m so nervous. When I sit in a room full of people, I’m panicking the whole time because I’m the one sitting there in silence, and I can’t think of one thing to say. How can I ask people questions to make them talk when all I really want is for them to all go away and stop making me anxious? I know there’s lots of things to ask people, but why can’t I think of them when I’m sitting there? It’s just so difficult for me to establish any sort of friendship and, after years of trying, I’ve sort of given up and I’m now just so incredibly alone and it’s making life exceptionally difficult. I’m sooo depressed all the time. I cry way too much, it’s draining. I have zero motivation to do anything and my self-esteem is as low as it can get. My sleeping patterns are so erratic. I just can’t be messed anymore but, at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I’m 21, I should be loving life. Instead, I’m living at home, with my parents, I barely leave the house, I have no job, I’ve been unemployed ever since I graduated 7 months ago (yeah, I know it’s pathetic) and I just can’t find any motivation to get a job. I seem to have no ambitions any more and I'm wasting my life. Part of me is scared because getting a job means meeting new people and I’m inevitably going to mess things up. I just can’t meet new people anymore. I haven’t done it in so long. I never have anything interesting to talk about because I have done nothing interesting with my life. I’m such a boring loser. I have no friends. All of the “friends” I had at school and university are no longer in my life due to me being such a social retard and always declining their invitations to go out etc. I so much wanted to have friends, yet the whole social thing scared me. They didn’t know about my social anxiety, though, so they must just think I was being rude for always saying no. I’m so socially isolated now. I have no-one, and it makes me so sad because, deep down, I know this is not who I am or who I want to be. I’m just so afraid that this is how it is for me, and how it’s always going to be. I’ve been this way for years, and I can’t seem to break away from it. My parents are aware of my situation (even though they think I need to try harder to get over the “shyness”) and they’re arranging for me to see some sort of therapist... I can’t imagine it’s going to work, though. I feel so stupid because I have a degree in psychology, I know all about my problems, yet I can’t do anything to help myself. I’m pretty sure the therapist is going to use some sort of cognitive behaviour therapy... ehhh, I have no idea if anything is going to work. I doubt I’m going to be able to open up to this woman. My parents are against meds, though... so I guess I’m going to have to give the therapist a go. I just want to be happy.

I’m so depressed. Alone. Hate life. Hate myself.​

My parents are the only people who know. No-one else understands.. “Try harder” or “be more confident” are frequent comments that I’ve from my sisters. It’s just like a slap in the face when people say things like that. I feel that even if I tell people about it, they won’t care, and definitely won’t understand. My parents don’t fully understand, I know that. It just sounds to them that I am just shy. I hate it when people say “Just be more confident and talk more” it’s like Now why did I not think of that before? Really pisses me off. I don’t know how to lead a normal life anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m living for right now, because my life consists of absolutely nothing. Putting a happy face on every day is what keeps me sane... but, at the same time, it destroys me. I hate living like this.

Uh, yeah, I'm sorry that this is a depressing post... BUT, Is there anyone out there who can tell me what to do/offer advice? Anyone who’s been through similar stuff and come out the other end? I’m not usually one to spill my guts on forums but I figured I’d take advantage of the anonymity of the internet and see if it helps. I need all the help I can get because I'm just so weak. It sucks.

Thank you.

I have felt like this in the past, and being scared and fearful are real feelings and they need to be delt with in some manner or they will just go on and on, and your situation could become worse.
I think that going to see a therapist is a good idea, and I'm sure that the therapist will give you plenty of ideas a ways of how to overcome your fears and shyness, it's just up to you weather or not you want to implement them or not, and by reading your post it seems to me that you are fed up and you want to change things, so I would give it a real shot if I was you.

 

[Xlim]

Dear Friend,


The truth is Social Anxiety cannot be beat. If you have it, your stuck with it for the rest of your life. No matter what people say about different sort of treatments, I have try them all, and it does not work one bit. I have even gone to great length to get help for it by finding the right therapist who would go out into the world with me and help me. CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy DOES not work, no matter how many people tell you its possible. All it really is to help you understand the human mind, and showing that your thoughts are irrational. It talks about the pyramid of feeling and thoughts, and I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about since you have a degree in psychology.

People like us are screw for life, and I know exactly how you feel. Everything you wrote in your post is related to me in every way. This quarter alone I have lost all 3 of my females friend. Now whenever I meet them, it is awkward, and they think I'm rude. I have live my life in shame and embarrassment and no matter how much I tell my friends, they can't really grasp what it must be like to be socially anxious.

I am only 19, but my life will journey in the same way as well. I don't even know how I can hold up a jobs. Going to class is such a pain, and I always sit in the back of the class.

Social Anxiety is the worst CURSE, and I truly believe it is...

Therefore both of us can never lead a normal life, because were abnormal.

Sorry to break the news to you

Feel free to pm me

P.S. Everyone Social Anxiety is not shyness, it is beyond it, so your advice has no credential what so ever. Please to the OP, just listen to me, we are not shy, we have social anxiety. Social Anxiety affect everything you do, and shyness is only a small part of it. You guy who responded back to the OP, don't understand what Social Anxiety people go through, so therefore you are not helping the OP.

 

[sloth4urluv]

Yeah like others have said you need to like yourself.
I know its hard and I struggle with that myself. Its kinda hard to like yourself if it feels like no one else likes you.
You just need to find someone to get you started on your positive spiral towards happiness.

For me going to the gym helps me feel better about myself. I cant remember, but I think I saw a picture of you on the site and you looked really cute, you just need to find something to do taht will make you proud of yourself.

 

[Larsen B]

((((tennisgirl)))))

I’m really sorry you’re struggling with such debilitating social anxiety. I have struggled with it for most of my life; i still am struggling although not quite as badly these days. So i know how it can eat away at your life - self-confidence, opportunities etc. And it does tend to make one rather lonely doesn’t it? But i am sure that your anxiety will lessen. I don’t know you so my words may sound hollow but, honestly, things will probably get better. Social anxiety is one of the most treatable conditions isn’t it? You will know that, being a psychology graduate. I would be interested to know though, what effect your SA has on your depression, or is it the other way around – does your depression cause you to be socially anxious?

I can offer certain ideas that may be of help. But please don’t think that i have experience of these things because i may not – i am still working towards stuff like this.

Those untimely words of advice like “Just be more confident and talk more” are crap aren’t they? The fact that they are true does not really help – it just makes you feel even more inadequate because you know they are right but you can’t do anything about it. It is like telling a person to be black when they are white or rich when they are poor – the advice is half-baked or useless. But i guess if people knew how to advise you properly they would do so, so it’s their lack of knowledge/experience that is not helping. The issue is how to get confidence – it just doesn’t magic itself into existence as some people think – there is a process. Would i be right in saying that a big factor in social anxiety is appearance? So a cause of embarrassment might be the focus of attention on oneself – and the subject of focus may be something that conflicts with the ego? It might be the ego that is blocking normal thinking and behaviour. One answer may be to bypass the ego. And one way i know of doing this is to temporarily make to conscious effort to forget that we have SA or depression or whatever else, and for a moment concentrate 100% on someone new – a shop assistant, a work-colleague…anyone. The mere act of forgetting who we are for that moment is quite an eye-opener. You might be able to look back and say “wow, i wasn’t really that anxious during that time”.

Something else that may be of help is thinking about trust – i think we can get too hung up on trust. I don’t know about you but i find that trustworthy people are very difficult to come by. But they are around – it just means wading through the rest before we get to them. But my point is that if trust is what guides your choice of friends, instead, it may be better to let go of this idea and purely have faith in yourself. The faith you build up within yourself is worth 10 times more than looking for trusted friends. This may sound pessimistic but it’s really not – it’s the opposite! Having faith in yourself means you don’t have to go looking for trusted friends – they will come to you! But how do you trust yourself? This is the crux of the matter. I guess it takes a lot of soul searching – first understanding ourselves, then accepting, then loving and caring for ourselves. We can do these things on our own, but obviously it takes a conscious effort to do so.

Other things i would heartily suggest are mindfulness and meditation, as practiced by Buddhists. It might sound like new-age nonsense but it’s really more like age-old wisdom. So simple too.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[evanescencefan91]

ya I'm sorry your feeling down too... I'm unfortunatly getting a cold and those rubber suits make it a little uncomfortable and not quite the same, so what i have done is i have made a big remote controlled teddy bear to give a hug for me

*hugs*


try not to see going to a thearpist as someone your forced to see to figure out your problems, try maybe to see them as a peir that you can "pratice" opening up too.

When my parents separated they made me go to talk to a therapist, and i didn't want to mostly becuase i was forced to go and talk to them and I really didn't like having to talk about my parents all the time, and my mom pretty much told me what to say about them. it was the waiting room I hated the most, mainly becuase i would have to wait for 20 30 minutes, it just felt like my time was being wasted, and i can waste my time my own way.

Now after a couple years, my parents still act like little baby rivals, and i don't go to a therapist anymore. Of course now i kinda would like to, not to talk about some one else or what my parents are doing but talk about me and my problems.

...sorry... i like talking about myself i guess


i don't really have any more to say, indigo and mink gave really good advice. you should try to adhere to it.

I hope things turnout for the better,

when looking for couarge remember the cowardly lion, it's already there you just have to believe in it

 

[IgnoredOne]

What other people said has been very helpful. I'll add a few things which I think are very importantly:

1) Try not to have the mental state of, "I'll try" but rather that "I'll do." Its very easy to end up trying something for years and never actually get anywhere. I encourage working on small objectives that you know that you have a good chance of accomplishing.

i.e., today I wanted to be totally brassy and hit on various girls that I knew for kisses for Valentine's Day. There was a good chance that I'd fail at actually getting kissed, so I focused more on having the courage on actually asking for it. Trust me, that was scary enough, and I was able to mentally credit myself for every time I went through, regardless of the outcome.

2) Like me, you seem to be overwhelmed with the enormity of the many obstacles that you're fighting. I suggest a divide-and-conquer strategy, where you can focus on any one area that you're afraid of, and focus on that first.

i.e. like you, I have moments where I worry when I'm not very interesting. I dealt with this really in two ways - first, I find a crowd that's interested in the same things as I am. Honestly, I'm sure that you're very interesting and whatever hobbies you have, will find a receptive audience. The other way I dealt with it is just to expand my interests; I'm a curious soul, and that's why you find that I'm capable of blathering about psychological studies with the same glee as I talk about history.

I mean, I realize that I bore many people if I got too indepth, but that just proves that I know too much more

3) Look forward to challenges. Its another mental state/shift, but over time, you'll learn to actually like the sense of fear and risk. Because every chance to lose is also a chance to win

Regards,
IO

 

[blak000]

I'm sorry about what you're going through; it sounds tough.

I used to suffer from anxiety when I was in public places. If I ever walked in a public place, I'd break out in heavy sweats (like I just jogged a few miles) and my heart would start beating like crazy. It would slowly worsen until I started stumbling over my words and acting really erratic. It was so bad that people would actually start to notice. At one point, like you, I didn't want to ever go outside and started avoiding people.

Nowadays, I can walk through a crowded area without too much trouble, but I do get the panic attacks now and then. It mainly happens when I unintentionally become the center of attention. If a lot of people (5-10+) start staring at me when I'm in the bank or something, I'll break out into sweats - cause I feel like I'm in the spotlight. If I know a lot of people are going to be watching me beforehand (like when I dance at parties), then I'm OK.

Change is possible, but it's a long, hard road. I'm not even sure if you can fully get rid of the anxiety, either. It might still come to you now and then, but nothing as severe as what you're experiencing now. Still, you'll only really overcome it by continuously putting yourself in social situations that make you uncomfortable, and then acting against your fears. After a while, you'll get desensitized to them. (flooding)... It's really worked for me and helped me to feel more "normal" around people. Now I generally don't have problems starting conversations with strangers, and a few people told me they had a hard time believing that I'm shy. It took me a few years to get to that point, though.

Don't lose hope... just push yourself to change. No matter how hard and how tough it seems, just tell yourself that it's better than doing nothing and living with your fear. Learn to love yourself. You're not a loser, and you're not boring. There are people that love you, and with good reason. Try to change your perception of people. Don't see meeting new people as something to be nervous about, but something exciting!

I was also a psychology major. It's funny.. I think a large number of people take psychology, because they have social issues of some kind. I met a lot of people in my classes who were far from "normal"; a lot of them seemed to be highly self-conscious or anxious. Maybe they take that major, because they want to understand why they feel the way they do.

I might sound like a broken record to the people who read a few of my posts, but learning how to dance can be a great way of tackling your anxiety. Also, learning how to move your body helps you become more comfortable with yourself. You can practice in the privacy of your own home, and it doesn't cost you any money. Later, once you feel confident enough, you can go to parties and dance in front of people. I actually pushed myself to practice in public places. Having people staring at me (sometimes laughing), while I danced badly, really helped me to stop feeling so self-conscious. You realize that, even though people may laugh or point at you, it isn't the end of the world. Plus, if you feel comfortable dancing badly, then you'll definitely feel comfortable when you know how to dance well. The laughing will eventually turn into admiration and praise. You want a cure for social anxiety? There's nothing better than having a group of people clapping and cheering you on in the middle of the dance floor.

The key thing that helped me overcome my anxiety, though, was determination and motivation. It doesn't matter how much advice you receive; you have to have a strong desire to change your current situation.

@ Xlim: I'm sorry that you haven't had success with your treatment, but the methods do work. I can speak from personal experience. I didn't go to therapy, but I used similar techniques on myself. I went to parties and put myself out there. Eventually, things DO get better. Please keep trying, stay positive, and don't give up. Having a pessimistic attitude towards treatment is an almost sure-fire way of making sure it won't work.

 

[Silvernight]

Tennisgirl, I'm familiar all too well with many things you're talking about. I don't think that social anxiety can be overcome completely and forever. BUT the situation really can be improved. I know what it means to long for social interaction but at the same time be afraid of it in fear to mess up and look stupid. You know what, try this sort of approach: tell yourself you can't realistically fresia up your situation more than it already is, so might as well relax and milk all the fun out of any particular social situation you can get. I dunno, maybe it sounds somewhat on the negative side but it helps me, actually.

You said you're a boring loser who has nothing to talk about. That's bullshit. Even if you haven't led a rich social life and don't have plenty of stories to tell, like about how you got drunk in a party and threw a demonstration of strip-tease on the table, you still have some kind of interests or hobbies. Everyone has. That's what you can talk about.

You'll find a job, just try to think of it as something that will brighten your life instead of screwing it up. Oh yes, I know, it sounds scary - meeting new people, especially if you haven't done so in awhile. But most (not all, of course) people are pretty well-meaning and aren't going to push you away instantly. Folks like us, we don't have the ability to make instant friends, we need to get used to people first and only then a friendship can begin to develop. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just bear that in mind and don't think you're a useless git because you can't become good pals with everyone in a matter of minutes. You're going to be uncomfortable around new people at first, but it will pass gradually. Granted they're not total jerks, you'll start liking them. Smile and greet them, sincerely. Ask a few questions, they can be pretty ordinary questions, something related to your work maybe. It may be that you will not find your immediate coworkers mighty interesting but you may also meet other people with their help.

I agree with your parents that meds are a waste of time, not to mention they may have negative side effects on your health. I don't know about a therapist, haven't tried one myself, but you can give it shot. But basically, what's really gonna help you, is your own decision to acquire a brighter outlook on life. You can even try and find a friend online who shares your interests (and, preferably, lives in the same general area), so you can meet them too.

 

[tennisgirl]

I have felt like this in the past, and being scared and fearful are real feelings and they need to be delt with in some manner or they will just go on and on, and your situation could become worse.
I think that going to see a therapist is a good idea, and I'm sure that the therapist will give you plenty of ideas a ways of how to overcome your fears and shyness, it's just up to you weather or not you want to implement them or not, and by reading your post it seems to me that you are fed up and you want to change things, so I would give it a real shot if I was you.

Yeah, I think my social anxiety is a result of years of fear, building up, leading me to be the person I am today. I do want to change, though. In fact, I’m desperate. I want to live and, right now, I’m not really living at all. People have told me that knowing you want to change is the first step... So I’m just hoping I can build on it. I am going to give the therapist a go. Thanks for your advice.

. I cant remember, but I think I saw a picture of you on the site and you looked really cute, you just need to find something to do taht will make you proud of yourself.

Haha, nah, there’s definitely been no picture of me on here, and I’m not cute. Sometimes I am proud of myself, but those feelings don’t last long and it doesn’t make me feel better. I think it’s because I don’t really believe that I’ve done anything good. I find the whole positive attitude so hard.

I would be interested to know though, what effect your SA has on your depression, or is it the other way around – does your depression cause you to be socially anxious?

I think initially it was social anxiety that caused me to become so isolated which led to immense loneliness, leading to depression. Now, though, I just feel so down all the time that it heightens feelings of anxiety. Hm, yeah, I don’t really know what effect one has on the other. I just want rid of them both so that I can start living the life I really want to live.

The issue is how to get confidence – it just doesn’t magic itself into existence as some people think – there is a process. Would i be right in saying that a big factor in social anxiety is appearance? So a cause of embarrassment might be the focus of attention on oneself – and the subject of focus may be something that conflicts with the ego? It might be the ego that is blocking normal thinking and behaviour. One answer may be to bypass the ego. And one way i know of doing this is to temporarily make to conscious effort to forget that we have SA or depression or whatever else, and for a moment concentrate 100% on someone new – a shop assistant, a work-colleague…anyone. The mere act of forgetting who we are for that moment is quite an eye-opener. You might be able to look back and say “wow, i wasn’t really that anxious during that time”.
Other things i would heartily suggest are mindfulness and meditation, as practiced by Buddhists. It might sound like new-age nonsense but it’s really more like age-old wisdom. So simple too.

I am trying things like that. The other day, I made small talk with a random guy in the post office. I know it sounds lame cos things like this are so easy for most people. He started talking to me, so I talked back... I actually did feel pleased with myself. I can’t remember what we spoke about, I was nervous... but I did establish eye contact and I wasn’t rude. I just have days when I feel like I can do things like that but, other days, I don’t want to leave the house.
I haven’t ever tried meditation. I might try it sometime, thanks.

try not to see going to a thearpist as someone your forced to see to figure out your problems, try maybe to see them as a peir that you can "pratice" opening up too.

I just hope I can open up to her... I don’t feel forced to go see her. Thing is, my parents are so cut and dry. My dad thinks after a few sessions with her, I’ll be “back to normal and I can get on with my life”. He’s a very positive person, which is good... It’s just I don’t feel like a few sessions talking to some woman about me is going to help me resolve all these issues just like that. I’m probably being pessimistic idk.

1) Try not to have the mental state of, "I'll try" but rather that "I'll do." Its very easy to end up trying something for years and never actually get anywhere. I encourage working on small objectives that you know that you have a good chance of accomplishing.

I think that’s ultimately where I fail all the time. I always try, but never actually do. It’s always the fear that holds me back... I somehow have to get over that. Like sometimes I’ll talk myself into doing something but, at the last moment, I’ll pull out. For example if my sister invites me out with all her friends, I’ll psych myself up to go but then I’ll cancel at the last moment and end up feeling rubbish for doing so. Your advice is really helpful, though, thanks.

Change is possible, but it's a long, hard road. I'm not even sure if you can fully get rid of the anxiety, either. It might still come to you now and then, but nothing as severe as what you're experiencing now. Still, you'll only really overcome it by continuously putting yourself in social situations that make you uncomfortable, and then acting against your fears. After a while, you'll get desensitized to them. (flooding)... It's really worked for me and helped me to feel more "normal" around people. Now I generally don't have problems starting conversations with strangers, and a few people told me they had a hard time believing that I'm shy. It took me a few years to get to that point, though.
Don't lose hope... just push yourself to change. No matter how hard and how tough it seems, just tell yourself that it's better than doing nothing and living with your fear. Learn to love yourself. You're not a loser, and you're not boring. There are people that love you, and with good reason. Try to change your perception of people. Don't see meeting new people as something to be nervous about, but something exciting!
I was also a psychology major. It's funny.. I think a large number of people take psychology, because they have social issues of some kind. I met a lot of people in my classes who were far from "normal"; a lot of them seemed to be highly self-conscious or anxious. Maybe they take that major, because they want to understand why they feel the way they do.
The key thing that helped me overcome my anxiety, though, was determination and motivation. It doesn't matter how much advice you receive; you have to have a strong desire to change your current situation.

Wow, thanks so much for taking the time to write all that. Yeah, I guess people take psychology for different reasons... I think it’s cool you did too. It did help studying it though. I feel like I understand why I’m feeling the way I do. I used to put myself in social situations that made me feel uncomfortable, but I always ended up feeling worse at the end of it, cos I stayed silent and never knew how to talk to people. For that reason, lately, I’ve been avoiding anything that makes me feel anxious. I thought that was a good way to deal with things. It’s not. I’m not living any sort of life right now, I know that.

Tennisgirl, I'm familiar all too well with many things you're talking about. I don't think that social anxiety can be overcome completely and forever. BUT the situation really can be improved. I know what it means to long for social interaction but at the same time be afraid of it in fear to mess up and look stupid. You know what, try this sort of approach: tell yourself you can't realistically fresia up your situation more than it already is, so might as well relax and milk all the fun out of any particular social situation you can get. I dunno, maybe it sounds somewhat on the negative side but it helps me, actually.
You said you're a boring loser who has nothing to talk about. That's bullshit. Even if you haven't led a rich social life and don't have plenty of stories to tell, like about how you got drunk in a party and threw a demonstration of strip-tease on the table, you still have some kind of interests or hobbies. Everyone has. That's what you can talk about.
But basically, what's really gonna help you, is your own decision to acquire a brighter outlook on life. You can even try and find a friend online who shares your interests (and, preferably, lives in the same general area), so you can meet them too.

I’ve been thinking like that lately. My situation can’t get much worse, so any improvement would be welcome. It’s just the fear I can’t get over. It’s always there, holding me back from doing anything... even simple things. I do have hobbies, true, it just seems like everyone I meet, well I don’t meet many people anymore... but say if I go out with my sister and her friends, all they talk about is drinking, who slept with who, so and so’s new boyfriends blah blah blah.. I can’t contribute to discussions like that. One, I’m not interested, and, 2, I don’t know the people they’re all talking about. So I just sit there. I don’t know how to meet likeminded people anymore... I wasted all those opportunities at university. I do have a good online friend who is awesome to talk to. We live no where near eachother, though. Oh well.

Thanks so much for everyone’s advice. Even if you don’t think it’s helpful... it really is to me. I’m going to try to actually implement some of those things (well, I’ll take baby steps) and see what the therapist has to say, too. Thanks again.

 

[blak000]

Hey tennisgirl,

I think it's great that you're willing to take some steps towards self-improvement. That's how all change starts, right? Don't feel lame at all for making small talk with strangers. Every victory counts. Also, a lot of "normal" people can actually have trouble doing what you did. Taking initiative to converse with a stranger is no small feat, and it really shows that you're dedicated to making positive changes in your life. I, for one, am proud of you.

I thought of a few things that might help you. Having a background in psychology, you are well aware that your anxiety is based on irrational fears. That doesn't really help in alleviating them, though, does it? Next time you're in a social situation, or about to engage in a conversation, ask yourself, "What is it that I'm really afraid of?" If the encounter doesn't happen to go well, nothing truly bad will happen. You won't die, the world won't come to an end, and everything will remain perfectly normal. In the worst case scenario, you may feel slightly embarrassed for a few moments, and then it will be all over. However, if things go well, you'll have a nice conversation with a new person, and have taken another step to overcoming your anxiety. In other words, make the outcomes more concrete in your mind.

Also, don't worry about doing something strange or weird. People love unique and weird individuals; they're very interesting! I used to hold myself back, because I thought people would be repulsed by the fact that I didn't fit in. I found the exact opposite to be true. In fact, I've been complimented on my weird sense of humor. I'm not telling you to go pick your nose in public, but don't be afraid to be yourself. Just remember to be kind and considerate to the people you're talking to, and you'll be doing just fine.

If things don't happen to go well, however, don't beat yourself up about it. Remember to remain positive. Think constructively, and ask yourself, "Why didn't that conversation go well? What could I have done differently? Was it even me? (It could easily be that the other person is simply unfriendly)" Whatever it is, remember that it has nothing to do with your self-worth. You are a perfectly normal and special human being. Everybody has bad conversations or awkward moments at some time or another. Heck, I say awkward things all the time! =P If it doesn't go well, just analyze it and move on. There are billions of people out there, so just look forward to meeting the next one.

When I first started out in battling my social anxiety, I used to keep telling myself, "People like me, and want to get to know me." Moments before I was about to talk to someone, I would repeat it over and over again in my head. At first, it didn't really do much, and I still felt nervous. Over time, as I engaged in more and more conversations with people, it became easier to believe it; each successful encounter provided more evidence that it was true. Maybe you should try it; when you think about it, that single phrase is the one thing that you're really trying to prove to yourself.

If you ever start to feel down or begin to doubt yourself, just keep repeating the words, "I'm a special person, and people like me." Do it even if you're by yourself. I know it sounds silly, but just try it. Convince yourself that you're a worthy person. The truth is, people around you are already aware of this fact; you just have to prove it to yourself.

I hope you have a good day, and please let us know how your road to recovery is going!

 

[dnaster]

Just focus on the things that makes you happy.. You like tennis right? Go play!

 

[Luna]

I use sunglasses lol nobody believes but im a shy person but the way i protect myself is acting like if i was not shy. I act like if i was a bit (lol english... sometimes i hate my english lol) snob? And i feel safer with sunglasses. The problem is when i need to get out when its night x) But yeah... i feel like if nobody could see me or recognise me lol and thats why 99% of my pics im using sunglasses. Cause im shy and i hate to take pics lol

 

[Stagnant]

how is everyone doing are you having any luck over coming S.A.D.