boring? too nice? how do I get to know why 90% reject me?

[Peaches]

Hi there, one question is really nagging me since a long time: I clearly am a social loser, all my life I spent at the outskirts of social circles, and now once again, older and wiser but not much more interesting I find that in these new groups that I ended up into, related to work and common interests etc, I once again don't fit and the others make friends with each other and I don't.
I can make some guesses about why this happens (leave out: bad breath, bad manners, bad conversation skills; possibly: too sensitive, too deep, inability to connect at emotional level) , BUT I would give really anything to know from someone who can't stand me why they don't (especially when I find them very interesting, and I am not talking about boys and girls, but just friendships).
I was told by someone that I was too friendly, that is possible, and I guess that I seem needy even if I am really not (not that much at least), but is there some way to know why one is a social failure?

 

[johnblancardi]

Hi Peaches , you seem very good hearted and like a nice person. I do not see why they would not. But you need to stay the way you are . Do not change. You be good , caring , loving and compassionate and reach out to others . If they do not reciprocate, it is their problem. You keep being yourself. , John

 

[grainofrice24]

Yup, too nice can be a problem. People don't want to befriend someone who looks like they could really use a friend...funny isn't it. Some of the people I hang around with, but typically don't want to spend too much time with (simply because their idea of "a good time" differs greatly from mine) are the ones who keep calling/e-mailing constantly. It seems reverse psychology still works .

 

[Peaches]

It's just that sometimes the norm seems to "not care", to be able to go through life without much feeling, and sometimes I wonder if that is really better and if those people are actually happier (the fact that my new flatmate of 3 weeks is leaving because I pretended to talk for 5 minutes almost every day and I was "stressing her", has nothing to do with my query ;-)
And, I just feel cut out because those people are the majority, they seem happy with themselves and with each other, and I JUST DON't UNDERSTAND THEM! I wish I could walk a mile in their shoes. And I can't think that 70% of the world is made of jerks, so I am trying to understand what goes through their minds.

 

[tehdreamer]

Oh, I always wish I knew why people rejected me as a friend or otherwise. Unfortunately, that's something you rarely get to find out from the other person. Running up to someone and asking "Why don't you like me?" gives them yet another reason not to like you; you're creepy

It's best not to spend too much time worrying about it though. Just know things didn't work out and you just haven't found the right people you're compatible with. Sometimes it takes a while to find people you can really click with.

 

[SophiaGrace]

People don't want to befriend someone who looks like they could really use a friend...funny isn't it.

This is so true...

They figure something is undesirable or "wrong" with you, so they avoid you.

 

[New Start]

Hi there

I am new to the social scene again also ... and I have discovered that if I just chill out and not worry about any expectations, people will start talking to me.. or I will go up to them and just talk about whatever ... but it;s done from the state of mind that I am not looking for a result. Kinda odd but when you are wanting something, generally people will feel they shouldnt talk to you or avoid you... try a beer or some wine to take the edge off and see how that goes.

 

[Luna]

I was told by someone that I was too friendly, that is possible, and I guess that I seem needy even if I am really not (not that much at least), but is there some way to know why one is a social failure?

I have been told before that I am too friendly and too nice as well.
...
At least back in my heydays when I had an optimistic view of life.

Now is a total 180 however.
I'm the Queen of Rejection.

I think, the best thing to do is to let it go and move on.
It is not something that you likely will ever know; and with that knowledge - how would it make you feel about yourself?

I just keep on chugging along, alright.

 

[Badjedidude]

Who gives a fresia about what others think or expect from you?

Just be yourself and don't apologize for it. I gaurantee that you'll end up with more friends that way.

 

[Matej]

Too true BJD. The only problem remaining now, however, is how to break free from one's thoughts, how to just be oneself.

It's hard if they've been worrying all the time what others think. Guess, it's about trying hard until you succeed.

 

[SophiaGrace]

BJD is a badass

 

[edgecrusher]

Who gives a fresia about what others think or expect from you?

Just be yourself and don't apologize for it. I gaurantee that you'll end up with more friends that way.

this is pretty much what i do now. but i still have trouble connecting with people. i used to think it had a lot to do with people not having similar interests with me. but what i am beginning to think it is is, im just not big on large social gatherings. im just not comfortable around large groups of people i dont know. even when i do attend something like this they always end up talking about stuff i cant relate too. or it turns into this big drinking thing and im just not really into that. and then you got the people who regularly smoke pot and im not comfortable around that either. i feel like maybe i should step out of my comfort zone for stuff like this but then i realize i just want to be myself. it hasnt really helped me out though. im either stuck in an uncomfortable situation or im stuck at home alone. most of the time its being stuck home alone. this is why id kill to meet someone that gets me, prefereably a girl. its all connected though, how do i meet someone if i dont go into these uncomfortable situations. meh... why is everything so complicated?

i dont know about friend wise, but i know im too nice for a girl to be interested in me. im sure i get seen as a wuss or a pussy because im not a jerk. i really hate to sound like how im about to sound by saying this but from what i have seen, it seems that women are for some reason only attracted to ********, military guys, or ******* military guys. atleast around here anyway. this is a very military area so that makes this area different, but this is is mostly what i see with the people i know and the people that come into my work. and since im not in the military and im not a ******, i feel like i am screwed. i see so many women who are probably mistaking arrogance for confidence. and the two can go together but most of what i see these guys are arrogant jerks that dont have much respect for women. the whole "nice guys finish last" thing is so true to me. for the most part i feel like i dont even have a chance in the first place.

 

[Sean]

You shouldn't care what others may or may not think about you.
You don't live your life to please others.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being nice!

 

[Badjedidude]

i see so many women who are probably mistaking arrogance for confidence. and the two can go together but most of what i see these guys are arrogant jerks that dont have much respect for women.

Too true, man... I hate that. But it comes from the media and the innate natural drive for women to seek out "strong, protective, capable" types... and throughout most of human history, that WAS the type of guy who would bonk another guy on the head, take his mammoth steak, and then piss all over the comatose dude's body.

*shrug* It's only in the last couple of centuries that being "strong/confident" has come to mean a man who can be strong and yet humble at the same time. Looking at is historically and biologically, it's pretty easy to understand the WHY of it... but that doesn't make it any easier.

I still think, however, that the best thing a guy can do is simply be himself and make no apology for it. Eventually you'll get a chance to discover a woman who understands the "new" meaning of strength and confidence... and when that chance comes, GO FOR IT!!!!

 

[K2Chmpln]

Hi just wanted to chime in I prefer my solitude and people just won't leave me alone
I find that being closed off gets people curious and then they want to "get to know" me
maybe try the reverse approach

 

[EverFlowingSpring]

I like nice people. I agree with the person who said that so many people seem cold and like they go through life without feeling. I hate the idea that I would need to pretend to be uninterested, or pretend to be anything at all to have friends. If I find out that that's literally what it takes I'm giving up on people.

---

Too true BJD. The only problem remaining now, however, is how to break free from one's thoughts, how to just be oneself.

It's hard if they've been worrying all the time what others think. Guess, it's about trying hard until you succeed.

If anything isn't the only problem remaining finding people that like you for who you are? Even if you think too much or think the "wrong things" "worry all the time" some people go through this. I personally don't even mind if people are worrying all the time. I've met a lot of people who hold by the saying "avoid the unhappy and the unlucky". I personally would not do this, and I would be happy to accept people no matter how dysfunctional they seem or think they seem.