Buying Friends

[Lost Drifter]

Does anyone else do this?

I overhear someone talking about a movie they would like to see and if I have it, I lend them my copy. The same goes for books or video games. If I see an offer for free newspapers on my way to work, I pick up copies for everyone in my office. If I go to make myself a drink, I ask everyone else if they want me to get them one too.

I used to think I was just being kind but I wonder if, perhaps subconsciously, I'm attempting to buy their favour without realising it. I never get these gestures returned back to me so is this another 'thing' that some lonely people do?

 

[johnny196775]

I used to buy the alcohol when i couldnt afford it so people will drink with me. Yes i have bought friends. but i hope i will not do that anymore or feel a need to.

 

[Ymir]

I try to be helpful and kind because that does help while making friends, but I tend to cut off people who are just my friend when they need something.

 

[Gravely]

It doesn't sound like you're trying to buy anyone-- you're just being socially conscious. If someone is strapped on cash I'll give them $5, or if they need a cigarette I'll give them one. I never thought of it as buying them and I expect nothing in return. I see it as just treating people like I think they should be treated, and people generally do the same for me.

Of course, there are people who take advantage and I am aware of them. If someone is known for taking advantage, especially if I've seen them use others, I will give them nothing. But the thing is, it all depends on how close I am with the person. If it's a new guy at work, I'll just do the things I said above. A cigarette if they need it, $5 if they need it. If I know the person pretty well, if someone is out of cigarettes until payday, I'll give them a pack. If they're hurting for gas money or food, I'll give them a $20. All of this depends on if I can survive without it, but if I can, I'll do it. Being selective with stuff like that has generally worked out for me. Like, sometime's people don't pay me back right away, but I know that if I'm hurting, that's when I'll get it back. It always evens out.

 

[Rosewood]

Reciprocity is natural It is part of evolutionary psychology. Cave man had two kinds. One is natural kin. It is good to care for kin to help survival of ones gene pool.
The other is to insure survival by resources. Sharing food fire and other resources.
It is now a way to connect. We all need to connect. Giving is one that still lives in our genes.
I also look at social rules of friendship I give a little and you give a little, It could be information or resources. This how friends are made.
Tell someone to much or give away to much and the balance is poor. It is a bit by bit process. That's building trust. It also helps to have a friend who has some favors to return for your future needs. It may be just a little time when you need to talk. It could be that rainy day when the car won't start.
Alcohol as way to get others to join you is a bad habit .

 

[SofiasMami]

Lending movies, bringing in papers and making a drink for someone doesn't sound like buying friends, it's sharing. The world would be a better place with more sharers like you.

-Teresa

 

[Bebeskii]

I think it is generally what lonely people do a lot. I gave candies, gums and cookies to my classmates too many times. Even if I have only one left for me, I give it to someone else if that person wants. Sharing sometimes can be difficult, if someone gets left out getting nothing from me. That may hurt that person's feelings. So before I start sharing I count how many sweets I have and how many students are in the classroom. I never expect something like candy for return, I would just want some companionship from them but they hardly ever accompanied me. It feels like as if I've been just used up. Afterall, I realised that It was just a try to draw my classmates' attention to me and hoping they would become closer to me. Most people treat me as if I always have to be like that. If your colleagues are like that I recommend you to take a care of them much less and see what would happen.

 

[raincloud]

I used to do this when I was younger and had more money. It's weird -- now that I am poor, I feel like such a selfish jerk.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Not with money. But I have gone through periods where I would babysit, run errands and stuff for people I wanted to fit in with. I don't do that anymore lol.

 

[thegreyman]

Yeah, I can be overly eager to display generosity, because I feel as though I have so little to offer. But really, if it is done to excess, it can make the intended recipients of the generosity feel uncomfortable. I therefore try to keep it in check. Simply allowing people to borrow your DVD is another matter.

 

[1000lifetimes]

Maybe people think you're doing it because you expect something in return? And if you don't expect anything in return - you're just a doormat - which means people treat you like crap anyways. The only other choice is to be like all those people who treat everyone else poorly. But screw that...I'd rather be a doormat than someone who wipes his feet on other people.

I guess you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Cheers to that!

 

[HappyYogi]

Very interesting question Lost!

I am like you. I tend to automatically want to be generous whether it's thought, word or deed. I do this because of my spiritual background. I've taught myself abundance and giving and believe in the joy of it. I'd rather live a life of free sharing than being tight.

I do it because I think we'd all be happier with more community and friendliness.

However, not everyone sees it this way. Some will see as you trying to buy your way in, that you are not good enough as you are. Some will think you are being disingenuous. Some will not understand why on earth are you giving when you don't have to.

I still do it just because that is the person I want to be. However, like the others say I keep it in check depending upon who the person is. I've developed a real friendship from this with someone I work with and we support each other now...exactly what I want.

Let us know if you figure out your motives. Maybe you just love the joy of giving.