cumulus.james
Well-known member
I am very confused about things that went on in my childhood and how they seem to have affected me all my life.
I am 34 and had been identifying as Gay in recent years. I first happened across the practice known as cottaging when I was 13, they used to make holes in the walls of public toilets and display themselves masterbating and I guess I was curious about this. I was playing tuent from school at the time. I used to cover or block them with toilet paper, if they looked back at me I would leave. Sometimes they would put thier hands under the partition and gesture. At first I would kick thier hands away and leave and think they were dirty (and that I was dirty). But I kept going back, started displaying myself back and eventually accepting notes. It started with me kneeling down and being fondled and masterbated and fingers inserted into me but sometime after my 14th birthday I started doing other stuff. Then I started doing it for money and I was a rent boy on and off for 10 years after that. The first time anal sex was performed on me was very voilent, extremely painful and made me bleed a lot and feel sore after. I cried myslef to sleep that night, I put the radio on so no one would hear me. But still I went back. I don't understand that.
I started to act out, teachers noticed a change in me, there were constant confrontations and rows (sometimes voilent) with my parents and I began to witdraw from my school friends. I dropped out of school. I started binge drinking and staying up all night, then I descoverd a gay 'dating' phone line and I would sneak out to meet men. Social service were called in and threatened to take me into care, but dad chucked me out on a couple of occations. I could not tell anyone what I was doing, I was terrified of being found out as being gay.
Since then I have not really had friends very often, and when I have had them I mess it up. I have never had a long term partner and only dated 4 guys for short periods each of them dumped me. I have been self loathing and had no confidence all my life. I struggled to keep jobs and tended to lose them very quickly. During my late teens and early 20's I would go on 'sex binges' to london, placing myself in dangerous situations and often going with several men at once. When I was 21/22 I started to self harm and had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and was suffering depersonalization. I started to really abuse alcahol on a daily basis. I was gradually diagnosed with social phobia, general axiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts and hyperchodriasis (health anxiety). I am now an alcaholic and loner.
I don't know what to think because I still have regular sexual fantasies about those fisrt things. They trouble me. I don't understand why I fetishise such grusome and damiging experiances. Being gay I can't seperate them out from my sexuality.
I find myself dirty and disgusting and I don't know how to get any help with that. You hear all this stuff about child abuse on TV and that and I don't fit into any of it. The literature says it's never the childs fault and I feel like the only one where it was my fault.
I am 34 and had been identifying as Gay in recent years. I first happened across the practice known as cottaging when I was 13, they used to make holes in the walls of public toilets and display themselves masterbating and I guess I was curious about this. I was playing tuent from school at the time. I used to cover or block them with toilet paper, if they looked back at me I would leave. Sometimes they would put thier hands under the partition and gesture. At first I would kick thier hands away and leave and think they were dirty (and that I was dirty). But I kept going back, started displaying myself back and eventually accepting notes. It started with me kneeling down and being fondled and masterbated and fingers inserted into me but sometime after my 14th birthday I started doing other stuff. Then I started doing it for money and I was a rent boy on and off for 10 years after that. The first time anal sex was performed on me was very voilent, extremely painful and made me bleed a lot and feel sore after. I cried myslef to sleep that night, I put the radio on so no one would hear me. But still I went back. I don't understand that.
I started to act out, teachers noticed a change in me, there were constant confrontations and rows (sometimes voilent) with my parents and I began to witdraw from my school friends. I dropped out of school. I started binge drinking and staying up all night, then I descoverd a gay 'dating' phone line and I would sneak out to meet men. Social service were called in and threatened to take me into care, but dad chucked me out on a couple of occations. I could not tell anyone what I was doing, I was terrified of being found out as being gay.
Since then I have not really had friends very often, and when I have had them I mess it up. I have never had a long term partner and only dated 4 guys for short periods each of them dumped me. I have been self loathing and had no confidence all my life. I struggled to keep jobs and tended to lose them very quickly. During my late teens and early 20's I would go on 'sex binges' to london, placing myself in dangerous situations and often going with several men at once. When I was 21/22 I started to self harm and had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and was suffering depersonalization. I started to really abuse alcahol on a daily basis. I was gradually diagnosed with social phobia, general axiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts and hyperchodriasis (health anxiety). I am now an alcaholic and loner.
I don't know what to think because I still have regular sexual fantasies about those fisrt things. They trouble me. I don't understand why I fetishise such grusome and damiging experiances. Being gay I can't seperate them out from my sexuality.
I find myself dirty and disgusting and I don't know how to get any help with that. You hear all this stuff about child abuse on TV and that and I don't fit into any of it. The literature says it's never the childs fault and I feel like the only one where it was my fault.