Desolation...

[grundel70]

My soul is barren. Its vast expanse is like a desert...lifeless and dry. Windswept dunes deceive me, and I loose my direction. Somewhere in this wasteland is an oasis...my heart. It is full of passion...yielding all of the water that my thirsty, dying soul craves. With every beat its brilliance is revealed...not as a mirage, but as a living breathing paradise in this dead world.

But I have lost it. I wander the endless regions of my soul lost. Each shifting dune looks like tht last, and I end up walking in circles. Futilty is the end result of my efforts.

I want to see my heart again. i want to touch it. I want to feel that passion. I want to feel comforted by it. I am so weary. I want to know love. I want to know peace.

But I can't find it anymore.

My illness has taken its toll on me. I survived my heart attack, only to have complications in the form of a deep vein thrombosis appear. I conquer something that few do, and am now consumed by this other monster. The DVT brings with it so much pain. Oh the pain...I have never known pain this bad before. Physical, disabling pain just trying to stand up. My leg is a swollen mess...the massive hemotoma that formed since the clot wraps around my leg, like a fungus that chokes out the mighty oak tree.

They say that it won't go away for months. I could be living with this condtion for almost a year. They say that all they can do is keep me comfortable. I live now my life in a narcotic haze. At least now I can bare the pain...

I try to participate in life. I try to work. I try to go out and do things. It is such a chore for me to do things now...and on top of that do them alone.

It is at times like this I miss having a family the most. I wish I had parents still that could help take care of me. I wish I had a brother or sister that maybe could give me rides when I need it. I miss having friends that can come over and cheer me up. or maybe just watch a movie with me. I yearn for a hug.

I know wishing will lead me no where. I have to do this alone. It will make me stronger...it will make me a better person. At least that is what I tell myself.

Thank you everyone that has stuck around long enough to read my long winded, self pitying post. I also thank those that have wished me well in the past. I have very fond and special place in my heart for those very few that have reached out to me with an email or a phone call just to say Hi. You are a rare treasure that I will always cherish forever. I don't deserve such attention...you have more important things to do with your time, and people in your life who need your attention far more than I do.

That is why you are special, and will always be close to my heart...if I can ever find it again.

God Bless you guys.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Im sorry that you are suffering so much, Grundel.
Im glad to see you back around, of course, and I hope that you able to overcome the obstacles in your life.
(((hugs)))

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Hi Grundel nice to hear from you again.

I have a friend that has physical complications. I don't know what that's like.
I can only imagine..though i try not to imagine it.

I'm not sure how people like you and him can bare those pains.
I try to be for him as best I can...sometimes it's very difficult for me to
be around him. I know he has to take pain mediations which remove some
of his phsical pains...yet at the same token being a narcatic state wasn't
too good for him either. I try not to take anything too personal.

I hope you don't take your self pity too personal either...it might be from the medications.

 

[SophiaGrace]

*hug* hang in there Grundel. You'll make it through. Just take it day by day...and dont feel hesitant to post here if you need to ok?

 

[grundel70]

You know, I need to apologize.

I am sending this out to those people who have put in their best effort to cheer up others, to take the time to try and get to know someone, and to try and make the world a better place. Anyone can post a 'Man I know how you feel cheer up' message. But some of you have done so much more than that. You care. You reach out and try to change the world.

I am sorry for putting forth so much negativity. I have allowed my own failures, shortcomings and pain to cloud over so many bright and wonderful things that there are in this world...like most of the people here on these forums.

So many of you come forward with love and compassion, and try to brighten others days. You take negativity, hold it warmly, and give it back to the person wrapped in love and hope. You put your heart and soul into trying to make someone elses day so brighter. It is to you...and you all know who you are...that deserve all of the love, friendship, warmth, and blessings this world has to offer.

I will not allow my hopelessness and my despair hamper your efforts anymore. I will no longer allow the storm couds that my own deficiencies have brought forth dampen the sunny days you all try to create. The forums need you. The lonely people, the depressed, and the sad need you. The world needs you. I pray that the love you share with others is returned to you all ten fold.

It was an honor to know you. I want to thank you for everything you have done. May the future hold for you countless blessings.

I now bid you all farewell. Be well. May each night bring you peaceful dreams and a restful slumber. Thank you for all you have shared.

Goodbye...

Big D

 

[EveWasFramed]

You shouldn't apologize because you've done nothing wrong. We all have low points in our lives and need to sometimes lean on others. I hope you will reconsider, and decide to keep coming to the forum. But, if you don't, I wish you well - where ever life may take you.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

To me you were someone that had an amazing amount of insight, and I always read your posts. Especially your works in the Express Yourself section. I know you have been through a lot, and in my mind you were an inspiration to myself. You posted your true thoughts and feelings without ever lashing out on anything or anyone.

If you do leave then I would just like to really wish you all the best. I know that many people here will miss you and want the best for you.

Take care and goodbye. I hope maybe someday you do come back to post again for a little while.

Joe