grundel70
Well-known member
My soul is barren. Its vast expanse is like a desert...lifeless and dry. Windswept dunes deceive me, and I loose my direction. Somewhere in this wasteland is an oasis...my heart. It is full of passion...yielding all of the water that my thirsty, dying soul craves. With every beat its brilliance is revealed...not as a mirage, but as a living breathing paradise in this dead world.
But I have lost it. I wander the endless regions of my soul lost. Each shifting dune looks like tht last, and I end up walking in circles. Futilty is the end result of my efforts.
I want to see my heart again. i want to touch it. I want to feel that passion. I want to feel comforted by it. I am so weary. I want to know love. I want to know peace.
But I can't find it anymore.
My illness has taken its toll on me. I survived my heart attack, only to have complications in the form of a deep vein thrombosis appear. I conquer something that few do, and am now consumed by this other monster. The DVT brings with it so much pain. Oh the pain...I have never known pain this bad before. Physical, disabling pain just trying to stand up. My leg is a swollen mess...the massive hemotoma that formed since the clot wraps around my leg, like a fungus that chokes out the mighty oak tree.
They say that it won't go away for months. I could be living with this condtion for almost a year. They say that all they can do is keep me comfortable. I live now my life in a narcotic haze. At least now I can bare the pain...
I try to participate in life. I try to work. I try to go out and do things. It is such a chore for me to do things now...and on top of that do them alone.
It is at times like this I miss having a family the most. I wish I had parents still that could help take care of me. I wish I had a brother or sister that maybe could give me rides when I need it. I miss having friends that can come over and cheer me up. or maybe just watch a movie with me. I yearn for a hug.
I know wishing will lead me no where. I have to do this alone. It will make me stronger...it will make me a better person. At least that is what I tell myself.
Thank you everyone that has stuck around long enough to read my long winded, self pitying post. I also thank those that have wished me well in the past. I have very fond and special place in my heart for those very few that have reached out to me with an email or a phone call just to say Hi. You are a rare treasure that I will always cherish forever. I don't deserve such attention...you have more important things to do with your time, and people in your life who need your attention far more than I do.
That is why you are special, and will always be close to my heart...if I can ever find it again.
God Bless you guys.
But I have lost it. I wander the endless regions of my soul lost. Each shifting dune looks like tht last, and I end up walking in circles. Futilty is the end result of my efforts.
I want to see my heart again. i want to touch it. I want to feel that passion. I want to feel comforted by it. I am so weary. I want to know love. I want to know peace.
But I can't find it anymore.
My illness has taken its toll on me. I survived my heart attack, only to have complications in the form of a deep vein thrombosis appear. I conquer something that few do, and am now consumed by this other monster. The DVT brings with it so much pain. Oh the pain...I have never known pain this bad before. Physical, disabling pain just trying to stand up. My leg is a swollen mess...the massive hemotoma that formed since the clot wraps around my leg, like a fungus that chokes out the mighty oak tree.
They say that it won't go away for months. I could be living with this condtion for almost a year. They say that all they can do is keep me comfortable. I live now my life in a narcotic haze. At least now I can bare the pain...
I try to participate in life. I try to work. I try to go out and do things. It is such a chore for me to do things now...and on top of that do them alone.
It is at times like this I miss having a family the most. I wish I had parents still that could help take care of me. I wish I had a brother or sister that maybe could give me rides when I need it. I miss having friends that can come over and cheer me up. or maybe just watch a movie with me. I yearn for a hug.
I know wishing will lead me no where. I have to do this alone. It will make me stronger...it will make me a better person. At least that is what I tell myself.
Thank you everyone that has stuck around long enough to read my long winded, self pitying post. I also thank those that have wished me well in the past. I have very fond and special place in my heart for those very few that have reached out to me with an email or a phone call just to say Hi. You are a rare treasure that I will always cherish forever. I don't deserve such attention...you have more important things to do with your time, and people in your life who need your attention far more than I do.
That is why you are special, and will always be close to my heart...if I can ever find it again.
God Bless you guys.