Did you really do your best?

[Oldyoung]

Something I see in this forum a lot, and have also experienced doing myself:
"That girl rejected me. I'm unattractive and boring"
"I applied to 10 jobs and no one accepted. I'm useless"
...
This is the convenient and easy way of thinking about it. Drop down in front of the TV then pity yourself. It's very comfortable, and I speak from experience here.

The difficult way is thinking like this:
Am I applying to the right kind of job for me? Are there any jobs around I didn't even consider yet? Am I thinking outside the box when looking for jobs?
Did I try different approaches, meeting in person instead of sending an application?

Should I have showered before I went on that date? Did i interrogate her too much? Does the clothes i wear make me look my best? Did I show enough interest. Was she bored? It was going well for a while, what changed her mood?

My point is, there are ALWAYS more opportunities to explore, and ways to improve. Even if they seem small and insignificant. Don't be lazy, ask the right questions and "explore life".

I'm not saying this is easy. It's not at all. Some of us face difficulties many others don't. But don't make yourself believe there's nothing you can do about your situation, cause there (almost) definitely is.

 

[mickey]

It's good to be constructive, but:

Most people can't be bothered with anyone else. When informed that someone else has problems, their first urge is to pretend that the other person _doesn't_ have problems. This means they don't have to feel guilty for not helping and don't have to put in the effort of helping, either. As a result, most people, when confronted with someone who has problems, will knee-jerk into _blaming_ that person for their problems. It's an extremely common device of rhetoric and sophistry, especially in the United States, where not giving a **** about anyone except oneself is like a national religion.

Understanding a post like yours requires separating it from the usual dismissiveness a person with problems gets from others who either are disingenuous or have poor understanding of themselves.

 

[Tealeaf]

Outside of:
* Social skills books
* Social skills websites
* Practicing social skills one on one
* Getting feedback on how I come across
* Improving body language
* Improving dress
* Inviting people out
* Spending time talking to the people around me
* Getting in touch with people in my locale online
* Attending self-esteem and motivational workshops
* Listening to podcasts on social skills
* Joining groups

I'm open to suggestions. Fire away. Otherwise, let me get back to life instead of spending all my time, energy, and money on this.

 

[Skid Row 89]

Something I see in this forum a lot, and have also experienced doing myself:
"That girl rejected me. I'm unattractive and boring"
"I applied to 10 jobs and no one accepted. I'm useless"
...
This is the convenient and easy way of thinking about it. Drop down in front of the TV then pity yourself. It's very comfortable, and I speak from experience here.

The difficult way is thinking like this:
Am I applying to the right kind of job for me? Are there any jobs around I didn't even consider yet? Am I thinking outside the box when looking for jobs?
Did I try different approaches, meeting in person instead of sending an application?

Should I have showered before I went on that date? Did i interrogate her too much? Does the clothes i wear make me look my best? Did I show enough interest. Was she bored? It was going well for a while, what changed her mood?

My point is, there are ALWAYS more opportunities to explore, and ways to improve. Even if they seem small and insignificant. Don't be lazy, ask the right questions and "explore life".

I'm not saying this is easy. It's not at all. Some of us face difficulties many others don't. But don't make yourself believe there's nothing you can do about your situation, cause there (almost) definitely is.

I would say most people on this forum (including myself) have faced situations where they could have tried harder specifically in their working and/or romantic lives as you have alluded to. By my own admission I'm very much guilty of wallowing in self pity far too often, a dreadful thing to get caught up in.

If you can avoid self pity when things don't go as planned, only then you can start thinking of ways to better yourself. However, willpower is needed to drive positive change and this can be a very difficult thing to obtain. I think we could all be capable of much more if we think outside the box a little more often and don't succumb to negativity so swiftly.

 

[user 115627]

I'll do what I can or what I deem a proper effort for a specific purpose. Whether it's my best or not I cannot tell, but I doubt it matters to anyone else. In the end I can only fulfill my own expectations.

There's always the possibility of trying various approaches when something isn't working out as planned since we all know that insanity is trying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. But occasionally you might still reach a point where you'd have to admit that no method is the right one for you. That some goals are just beyond your reach for whatever reason. Maybe you're at fault, maybe not. Who believes in "You can achieve anything if only you try hard enough" anyway? Everybody runs out of steam eventually. If that happens, you have to accept it for what it is though. An experience. Don't turn into a broken record.

 

[Tealeaf]

I would say most people on this forum (including myself) have faced situations where they could have tried harder specifically in their working and/or romantic lives as you have alluded to. By my own admission I'm very much guilty of wallowing in self pity far too often, a dreadful thing to get caught up in.

If you can avoid self pity when things don't go as planned, only then you can start thinking of ways to better yourself. However, willpower is needed to drive positive change and this can be a very difficult thing to obtain. I think we could all be capable of much more if we think outside the box a little more often and don't succumb to negativity so swiftly.

But you also have to consider... how many other people have to count every little thing they did wrong as the reason they don't have a girlfriend, don't have friends, or still need to improve? Every single time they talked too much, every single time they didn't make enough eye contact, and every single time they had a bad hair day and just put on a hat. Every single time they could have tried just a little bit harder or done something differently.

What kind of a life is that? A degrading one and a vicious lifestyle of pointing to every single flaw that others can overlook in themselves. The world doesn't have to accept me, but I won't bow and scrape to appease them like a servile dog. Not the people who don't want my friendship, my love, or my company, and not the people who think I should have tried five times harder than others instead of three.

 

[BeyondShy]

Outside of:
* Social skills books
* Social skills websites
* Practicing social skills one on one
* Getting feedback on how I come across
* Improving body language
* Improving dress
* Inviting people out
* Spending time talking to the people around me
* Getting in touch with people in my locale online
* Attending self-esteem and motivational workshops
* Listening to podcasts on social skills
* Joining groups

I'm open to suggestions. Fire away. Otherwise, let me get back to life instead of spending all my time, energy, and money on this.

I think this is a pretty good list right here. I'm sure they could even work for someone like me.

 

[Tealeaf]

Outside of:
* Social skills books
* Social skills websites
* Practicing social skills one on one
* Getting feedback on how I come across
* Improving body language
* Improving dress
* Inviting people out
* Spending time talking to the people around me
* Getting in touch with people in my locale online
* Attending self-esteem and motivational workshops
* Listening to podcasts on social skills
* Joining groups

I'm open to suggestions. Fire away. Otherwise, let me get back to life instead of spending all my time, energy, and money on this.

I think this is a pretty good list right here. I'm sure they could even work for someone like me.

Hope you have better luck with it than I did.

 

[BeyondShy]

Hope you have better luck with it than I did.

Luck? No.

I don't even know you but I have more faith you than I have in myself.

 

[Mouse]

I'm quite organised and motivated to have done a lot so far which included having 4 kids even though my pregnancies were difficult (ghastly morning sickness). Presently my only constraints is how my health on the day governs. Apart from my daily work as an accountant, I haven't a To Do list other than a steadily increasing weekly shopping list for household food, not forgetting "girl stuff" for the 5 teenagers I'm Mum to. I don't do social networking sites such as Facebook, Tumblr neither do I twitter on bloody Twitter, though do have a commercial Facebook for my tea & coffee importers which is essential for maintaining our very useful customer database. I'm uninterested in podcasts, Skyping and nattering for the most part of an average evening on messenger. I begrudge spending inordinate amounts of time on the internet when I have an absolutely great family to be with.

If I could only get shot of this chronic fatigue syndrome/ME, then I could be looking forward to hiking again and even renew my love for archery (longbow) and abseiling. Used to lead such an active life that included sailing that I can't imagine sitting around on my bum all day convincing myself nothing is possible, being negative all the time is just a nono. I've been there and I have done that. Abseiling was to conquer my fear of fear itself; one day I'd like to renew that hobby just because the rock face is out there waiting to be shouted at in defiance of.

We only get one shot at life and I have a lot of living to do, not even anywhere near my mid-twenties yet! I dress well and I eat well, the latter being a darned sight more than a mouse portion.

Oldyoung's original post I thought was inspiring. Thank you!

 

[Oldyoung]

Just to clarify. I did maybe pick bad examples, things that are indeed unachievable for some people. Like jobs or relationships. But "most" people will be average, and their efforts will make a difference.

It's okay to say, "I did my best, and it wasn't enough." Just don't think it is the case for everything in your life, even if it is true sometimes.

...motivational posts suck. I know. But it was meant for those who have given up on something for the wrong reasons. It won't apply for everyone.

 

[Skid Row 89]

I would say most people on this forum (including myself) have faced situations where they could have tried harder specifically in their working and/or romantic lives as you have alluded to. By my own admission I'm very much guilty of wallowing in self pity far too often, a dreadful thing to get caught up in.

If you can avoid self pity when things don't go as planned, only then you can start thinking of ways to better yourself. However, willpower is needed to drive positive change and this can be a very difficult thing to obtain. I think we could all be capable of much more if we think outside the box a little more often and don't succumb to negativity so swiftly.

But you also have to consider... how many other people have to count every little thing they did wrong as the reason they don't have a girlfriend, don't have friends, or still need to improve? Every single time they talked too much, every single time they didn't make enough eye contact, and every single time they had a bad hair day and just put on a hat. Every single time they could have tried just a little bit harder or done something differently.

What kind of a life is that? A degrading one and a vicious lifestyle of pointing to every single flaw that others can overlook in themselves. The world doesn't have to accept me, but I won't bow and scrape to appease them like a servile dog. Not the people who don't want my friendship, my love, or my company, and not the people who think I should have tried five times harder than others instead of three.

We're all human and we'll inevitably make mistakes and that's OK. It's obviously not healthy to over-analyse every move we make but there are ways to improve things like social ability. True friends won't judge you on trivial things and will appreciate you for who you are. I think you'll find a great clique of friends some day, perhaps when you least expect it

 

[ladyforsaken]

Something I see in this forum a lot, and have also experienced doing myself:
"That girl rejected me. I'm unattractive and boring"
"I applied to 10 jobs and no one accepted. I'm useless"
...
This is the convenient and easy way of thinking about it. Drop down in front of the TV then pity yourself. It's very comfortable, and I speak from experience here.

The difficult way is thinking like this:
Am I applying to the right kind of job for me? Are there any jobs around I didn't even consider yet? Am I thinking outside the box when looking for jobs?
Did I try different approaches, meeting in person instead of sending an application?

Should I have showered before I went on that date? Did i interrogate her too much? Does the clothes i wear make me look my best? Did I show enough interest. Was she bored? It was going well for a while, what changed her mood?

My point is, there are ALWAYS more opportunities to explore, and ways to improve. Even if they seem small and insignificant. Don't be lazy, ask the right questions and "explore life".

I'm not saying this is easy. It's not at all. Some of us face difficulties many others don't. But don't make yourself believe there's nothing you can do about your situation, cause there (almost) definitely is.

You know I agree with you on this mindset. I've been like this pretty much for the most part of my life which has probably helped some. I think some people feel that even if they find something they can do to tackle a problem, it's usually not what they want or how they want it, and most of the time they say that it's too hard to do, so they end up giving up and being unhappy anyway. Or they're not satisfied with the results, even if it's something.

 

[benj]

Something I see in this forum a lot, and have also experienced doing myself:
"That girl rejected me. I'm unattractive and boring"
"I applied to 10 jobs and no one accepted. I'm useless"
...
This is the convenient and easy way of thinking about it. Drop down in front of the TV then pity yourself. It's very comfortable, and I speak from experience here.

The difficult way is thinking like this:
Am I applying to the right kind of job for me? Are there any jobs around I didn't even consider yet? Am I thinking outside the box when looking for jobs?
Did I try different approaches, meeting in person instead of sending an application?

Should I have showered before I went on that date? Did i interrogate her too much? Does the clothes i wear make me look my best? Did I show enough interest. Was she bored? It was going well for a while, what changed her mood?

My point is, there are ALWAYS more opportunities to explore, and ways to improve. Even if they seem small and insignificant. Don't be lazy, ask the right questions and "explore life".

I'm not saying this is easy. It's not at all. Some of us face difficulties many others don't. But don't make yourself believe there's nothing you can do about your situation, cause there (almost) definitely is.

Two thumbs up from me, life is and can be honeysuckle and unfair. But unless you believe in god or an afterlife there's no point in waiting for the world to magically sort itself out after you, you need to get a shovel and start digging your way out.